I said it. In the words of Ralphie, “I said THE word, the big one, the queen-mother of dirty words, the “F-dash-dash-dash” word!” It’s not news that I said it. It’s noteworthy because my son heard me say it for the first time in his life. He’s 17, so he wasn’t traumatized, but he was so surprised that he immediately went and told Mrs. Phil.
Hi. My name is Phil and I’m an effing swearer. It’s been my dirty little secret for years. I’m a fecking secret curser. Not cursor like on your computer, but curser like in a Quentin Tarantino film. I do it, and I’m not going to be ashamed anymore. (BTW, “fecking” was not a typo. In Ireland it’s a perfectly acceptable form of exclammation, so I’ll fecking use it whenever I want. You can just go feck off if you don’t like it!)
Me saying the F— word isn’t all that unusual for me, though most people who know me would probably be as surprised as my son. I’m a secret swearer. I say it when frustrated with effing traffic, but when I do I’m in my car alone. Heck, when I’m in my car and another driver does something so unfathomably stupid that it slows me down by four tenths of a second I will “work in profanity the way that other artists work in oils or clay.” I will enunciate so clearly and obviously that there is no doubt when the other driver looks in his rearview at me that he understands how displeased I am. Another time I effing swear is when I get frustrated assembling something that came with instructions that make no effing sense. That was the case this past weekend.
I said it when assembling an effing IKEA-like shelving unit. I’m fairly certain that IKEA is Latin for Satan. Needless to say, the holes didn’t line up and I couldn’t get the screws to go in right and I ended up being the one that was fecking screwed, and not in the good way. So I used the F— word. I’m not even sure how many times I used it or how creatively. I was completely not self-conscious because I wasn’t aware anyone was within earshot.
Like I said, my son is 17 years old and I actually heard him use the F— word in a song he wrote, long before he ever heard me use it, so as far as parenting goes, I’m pretty sure I deserve some sort of gold medal. But there never is that parenting gold medal is there?
What about swearing? Have you noticed that in our society, in the U.S., it’s becoming much more acceptable to the point that sometimes you will now hear the word “asshole” in a prime time show? Is it good that we’re becoming more effing liberal, or relaxed when it comes that s—t? Will the relaxation of the standards of what is acceptable have a deleterious effect on law and order in our effing society? I don’t know the answers to any of these questions. I’m just an effing humor blogger. What do you think, and would you like to see more effing swearing on my fecking blog?
As always, if you enjoy The Fecking Phil Factor, (that’s great alliteration, maybe I should make that a permanent part of the effing title) please share this sh-t by hitting the Facebook, Twitter, or re-blog buttons below. Have a great effing weekend! ~Phil
I have the same problem…blame the other drivers. If they would behave, we wouldn’t have to swear so much.
But has your daughter heard you do it?
I’m hanging my head in shame…
It’s amazing to me that my son had never heard me say it. I had no idea.
Good job, Dad!
Swearing isn’t fun or cute
We use it as a substitute
And it only serves to disparage
The use of the English language
But there is time when it is true
No other words will really do
Bad drivers or just rotten luck
The only word to say is f***
I really liked this effing post. Sadly, I am an offender and as such my children are, too. However, they’re 28 & 25 so I have no control over it. Great post as always, Phil. Always makes me smile 🙂
Thanks Dorinda! Based on your beautiful poetry I can’t imagine a cross word ever coming from you.
Thank you, Phil…it’s those that I do not share here….only for my eyes. Great for reducing stress 😉
Many people in the blog world would be quite surprised to know that my language can actually be quite…well, we’ll just say “colorful.” I avoid the f word around Grace because we have a deal that she can’t start saying it until she hears us say it. 😉 Personally, I think it’s a bit silly that we’ve designated particular words as off limits…they’re just sounds. On the other hand, I realize that not everyone sees things that way, and I want her to be well-versed in the whole “there’s a time and a place” concept.
I for one am surprised that a cross word ever crossed your lips. Your rule about her not saying a word until she hears you say it is a good one. It makes everyone show restraint.
From one closet swearer to another, I say congratulations on your verbal liberation 🙂
It makes me think of my husband many years ago as he was learning english, he mourned the poverty of swear words in the english language which lacked the richness of cursing in french.
I’ll have to take his word for it because it seems to me that regardless of the culture, language or background, the word of choice is f*** … which of course in french sounds exactly like “phoque” … the word for “seal” … which can be a little embarrassing when you take your small bilingual children to Marineland :/
My son may view me differently but I’m far from liberated. I still believe that using positive language appropriately is the best way to get where you want in life.
I thought the F word was Feminism?
Nah, I’ve got no problem with feminism. For my friends the F word is Fill
My mom usually only swears when she’s on Space Mountain at Disneyland. I remember sitting in the seat in front of her when I was in high school, and while we were zooming through the dark, I was laughing so hard because she kept screaming. Her screams were punctuated with “Shit,” repeatedly. It was hilarious. The first time I heard her say the F-word, I think I was 30. I was shocked.
My daughter started saying, “What the heck!” when she was 3. That’s on me. 🙂
That Space Mountain story is hilarious!
I’m an effing swearer who comes from a long line of effing swearers, and I married a man who swears me to shame, so I think it’s fair to say our kids will be little effing swearers. I’ve heard my son (21) swear a handful of times, and he was just. I never hear my eldest daughter swear, well, not since she was 6 and shouted to her brother that it wasn’t that damn hard to do, which made me giggle, but she didn’t hear me giggle and didn’t know I’d heard her swear.
I know the little ones are quite comfortable with the B word, because the house is fulla B’s, not the least of which is our dog, and we say things like, “Bitch, get in your crate,” or “Bitch, I said roll over!” (And she does.) So I’m probably not the person to talk to about appropriate.
We’re just like, “Don’t swear at people. It’s rude.” 😉
LOL you’re family sounds hilarious. Someone should base a TV show on you.
Thanks! We are a lot of fun 🙂
I didn’t used to be till I discovered that using profanity – selectively-stops me wanting to punch people in the face. I also swear at my self a lot. ‘Anne-Marie, you stupid fecker, why did you say that?’ And I answer back, ‘Stop feckin’ berating yourself. The sh*t desreved it.’ I don’t have an I-phone so I had to check out what Kindle does and it says shit. Just like that, no problem. This amused me no end so I have to follow and see what other secrets you have to laugh about. Thanks to #Suzie’sblogshare.
Thanks Anne-Marie! It’s nice to meet you. Heading over to your blog now.
There’s a leetle bit of fecking going on 😉