The Offenders: Age of Philtron (What’s Your Superpower?)

Avenger Phil

Last night the new Avengers movie, Age of Ultron, debuted in the United States. It got me to thinking, shocking I know, but I do it sometimes. All boys grow up hoping to have a superpower and become a superhero. Do women ever hope for the same? And if women hope to have superpowers, what kind of powers do they dream of? The new Avengers movie also got me to thinking of what might be some of the worst super powers ever.

For instance, in The Avengers there’s a character called Hawkeye. His alleged “superpower” is being really good at using a bow and arrow. Really? That’s it? Bow and arrow? That’s not a super power; that’s a kid who never stopped playing Robin Hood and defends his choice of wearing tights as a lifestyle decision.

Another character in the Avengers is Black Widow whose only super power is looking hot in a tight leather suit. For this I believe Scarlett Johansson deserves an Academy Award. (That’s an idea for a future Phil Factor, Academy Awards There Should Be. Coming to a blog near you in February 2016!)


Or, if you’re old enough,  you remember the Superfriends show. (The link takes you to the cartoon theme song on YouTube) They had two of the worst superheros ever. Remember Aquaman? How is telepathically talking to fish a super power? For me the only way that’s a super power is if I could command scallops and crab legs to deep fry themselves and then jump on my plate.


Remember though when the Superfriends occasionally would start adding other characters, like the Wonder Twins in the picture above? The two teenagers would put their fists together and yell, “Wonder Twin powers activate!” Then the girl would turn into any animal she chose, like a lion or a gorilla, or if she needed to fly, a hawk. I can see that being a useful superpower. But the boy, his power was to turn into any form of water. Yes, he turned into water. If a mop and a roll of paper towels is your nemesis then you’re pretty much screwed.

The superhero in that group who has the best power is Wonder Woman. She has boobs. Talk about wonder twins! Seeing as there are not a lot of female supervillains and most of the evil doers in movies, tv, and real life are guys, you cannot underestimate the power of boobs. Is the point I’m making here tasteless and obvious? Yes, but is it true? Absolutely. If a bunch of guys are robbing a bank and Wonder Woman walks in flashes her boobs and says “Drop your weapons,” they would all willingly surrender. Scratch that, she should walk in, flash her boobs and yell, “Wonder Twin powers activate!” Ladies, feel free to use that in the bedroom tonight. As long as women use that power for good instead of evil the world will be a better place.

Boys grow up dreaming of being super strong, or fast or being able to fly. Ladies, what do you grow up dreaming of? It can’t all be princesses can it?

There is one superpower that you all have, and that’s the power to make my day by sharing #ThePhilFactor by hitting the Facebook, Twitter, or other social media sharing button below. Have a great weekend everyone! ~Phil

10 responses to “The Offenders: Age of Philtron (What’s Your Superpower?)

  1. As a young girl, I loved superheroes. I wanted to be dark and mysterious, and bring justice to the world… sometimes. The rest of the time I wanted to be a villain, because they seemed to have more fun. Seriously, The Joker and Harley Quinn always had more to be happy about than Batman. Unfortunately (fortunately?) I never chose the way of the villain, going instead in the pursuit of justice… sorta.

    Anyway, the superpowers I wanted were many, here are a couple:

    1) As an X-Man (woman) I would have a dark field around my body, sort of like an electric field, but it wouldn’t damage electronics. No, this field would radiate about half a foot to three feet from my body, damaging all living things it touched. This was inspired by my hatred of insects.

    2) The ability to sprout wings and fly (yes, very original). I wanted to soar. The strange thing? I have an intense fear of heights now xD

    There were others, but I don’t remember them well. It’s been too long since I came up with what powers *I* wanted, instead of what I want my characters to have (I like to come up with stories. Don’t judge me!)

    My dream as it is right now: Voice act as a villain on some Power Rangers season (what number of seasons are they up to now? 72?) who will be crushed, but dang it they’ll have fun taunting the rangers before they dissolve into goo.

    • Too funny! Your ideas for superpowers are good. You could write some great stories around that dark energy field. I hear that a Power Rangers movie is coming. I thought about including the Power Rangers in this post, but I think I’d need a whole post to make fun of them.

  2. I never was allowed to read comic books when I was a kid. Parents were clear on that point. I’m only now learning about what I missed out on. All these movies, all these characters, all these intricate plots. And me, an adult, asking questions about it all. I’m driving my husband nuts!

  3. When I read this blog I have to say I am offended
    For there’s a blog that I once wrote I fear you don’t remember
    Perhaps you aren’t reading them as carefully as I think
    So for future reference I’ll provide you with a link
    I’ll let you get by this time, let’s say it’s a fresh start
    From now on I’ll expect you’ll have them memorized by heart

    Hey, Phil, sorry for the shameless self promotion but it was all I could do not to reprint the entire poem in your comments section.

  4. Of course I have a Super
    Power. It’s called Survival.

  5. I wanted to be SuperWoman, of course. To hell with that Super”Girl” cr#p.

    I also wanted to be the smartest woman in the world–which to me was the same as the smartest person in the world (just as, to a man, being the smartest man would mean being the smartest person).

    I watched the vid link on Aquaman, and I am very confused: The movie Aquaman became the TV Green Arrow (in Smallville). Did he run into kryptonite underwater and it made him lose his water-breathing and fish-understandering abilities, but gain green-loving arrow-shoving ways? Did the TV Aquaman not harbor some resentment? Or, maybe instead, he lorded it over him:

    “Well, Landman, my work here is done. Guess I’ll just go back slip under WATER where I’ll cool off and GLIDE back home, breathing the whole way. Oh! Sorry! Was that insensitive of me? I guess I can be a bit of a COLD FISH! Har, har, har!!”

Leave a Reply