As a kid growing up I loved Spider-Man comics because the internet hadn’t been invented yet. I wouldn’t want to be Spider-Man though and here’s why:
10. The pay isn’t worth it: He’s doing that gig for free. He got into it because he had been too self-absorbed to stop a petty thief who later killed his uncle. If it’s me I save one life and call it even and then use the awesome strength and speed to go play pro football.
9. I like my beauty sleep: Dude goes to college, works part-time, then fights crime at night? Aint’ nobody got time for that. When does he even get time to watch TV?
8. That costume is a 24/7 wedgie: Holy crap Batman! That costume does not hide anything. He’s gotta be wearing a thong or going commando under that right? And the workout time he must need to stay in that kind of shape? No thanks. When Spidey gets to be thirty or forty years old and wants to slack off and enjoy some Krispy Kreme donuts that costume isn’t doing him any favors.
7. The mask: Chicks dig a man of mystery, but you can’t kiss them through a mask. Also, the mask would just ruin my hair. I’ve got a full head of thick, lustrous hair that you can run your fingers through. I should know. I do it all the time. When I’m swinging through the city I want my hair rippling seductively in the breeze. If I’m fighting crime I’m going with just the black eye mask like Zorro.
6. A lot of spiders don’t really want to bite you: As a kid I spent weeks trying to provoke a spider into biting me so I’d get Spider-Man powers. Apparently they’re immune to sarcasm and insults. I was bitten by a spider once. My finger swelled up for a day but I got no wall crawling ability.
6. No health insurance: I’m pretty sure Obamacare doesn’t cover injuries incurred while web slinging, wall crawling and fighting other costumed freaks.
5. Anonymity sucks: Why do all superheroes hide their identities? Are you kidding? If I’ve got superpowers I’m not naming myself after a bug or hiding behind a mask. Why have the superpower if you can’t enjoy the fame? I’d be Phil. That would be my superhero name. It’s hard to be the lead on TMZ if they don’t know your name.
4. No commercial endorsements? By taking away the anonymity part of the job I’d be open to all sorts of commercial endorsement opportunities. A superhero still has to pay the electric bill somehow right? “I may be a superhero by day, but when I take a Kapow! BLAM! or Kerplooie! right in the danger zone I may need a little help at night when I’m swinging with the ladies. That’s why I take Viagra!“ Camera pans out to show me and Catwoman sitting in bathtubs, holding hands and gazing at the New York skyline.
3. No vacation time: Superheroes are always morally obligated to help when lives are on the line and there’s danger afoot. Why is danger always afoot? Why can’t danger just sit there for a few days so Spider-Man can go to Cancun and lay on the beach? I want my four weeks off plus holidays.
2. Chicks dig the bad boys: Sure, in the movies Spider-Man always has a girlfriend, but we all know that in real life chicks are looking for a guy with a little edginess and maybe a dark secret or two. I’m pretty sure that supervillain is the way to go if you’ve got superpowers and want a kick ass love life.
1. Blogging: Do you know any superheroes with a blog? I can barely keep this blog going three times a week. If I fought crime in addition to my day job it would mean the end of The Phil Factor, and when you get right down to it, we already have cops to fight the bad guys, but who’s gonna write The Phil Factor if I don’t?
Yes, some of you may remember this from almost two years ago. I’ve got a great idea for a new top ten but just couldn’t pull it together for today. As always, if you laughed at #ThePhilFactor that you think your friends would enjoy please share it by hitting the Facebook, Twitter or re-blog buttons below. Remember, with great swag comes great responsibility.