Tag Archives: Top Ten Tuesday The Phil Factor

Ten Ways People Ruin Halloween

Halloween is one of my favorite holidays. If I wasn’t a full grown adult I’d dress up and go Trick or Treating. I do have some pet peeves though about people who don’t share my love of this holiday.

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10. “Fun Size” candy: There is nothing fun about a candy bar so small that it wouldn’t give a sugar rush to a hummingbird. For cripes sake! It’s once a year, you can splurge for the full size.

9. Turning Out Your Lights: Are you the house that turns out your lights and hides in a back room pretending you’re not home? We hate you and you deserve to have your house egged.

8. Making it about religion: Lighten up Francis! (If you know what movie that quote came from put your answer in the comments) The kids aren’t worshiping Satan, they’re worshiping a sugar buzz. Once someone in my neighborhood was handing out popcorn balls with religious notes attached to them. If I knew who it was I’d have called the police.

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7. Handing out popcorn balls or apples or pencils or McDonald’s coupons. When I was a kid we were told never to take the apples because there might be a razor blade in them. Now the health food nuts are giving them out like candy.

6. Not having Halloween in your neighborhood: I hate when groups of parents decide they’ll have a neighborhood party or that the kids will trick or treat at the local shopping mall. Geez! How did these people grow up and at what age did the demon suck out their souls? Theirs are the kids who will rebel later and get arrested for egging houses or putting flaming bags of poop on someone’s front porch.

5. Not allowing re-visits: If a kid has the endurance and initiative to make a second lap around the neighborhood, more power to them! They’re getting exercise. If they have a different costume second time around I give bonus candy.

4. Adults who don’t dress up: If you don’t wear something Halloweeny to work on today or refuse to answer your door for the kids tonight then just click out of this page, close your browser and don’t ever come back.

3. Women who think men don’t respect the sexy Halloween costumes: Memo to ladies: Men hate cutesy couples costumes. Let us be Batman or an Army guy and you can be the Sexy Nurse, Sexy Zombie, Sexy Football Player, Slutty Pumpkin. (Btw, if you get the Slutty Pumpkin reference put it in the comments) Whatever. We don’t care. Just dress up and let your inner sexy self out.

2. People who don’t decorate their house: I want to start a neighborhood where over the top Halloween decorating is mandatory. If you don’t, you have to move out immediately or the rest of the neighbors will egg and toilet paper your house every day until next Halloween.

1. The fixed Oct. 31st date: When I’m elected President, or Sexiest Man Alive, whichever comes first, I’m going to pass a law mandating that Halloween will occur on the last Saturday of September regardless of the date. In September so there’s better weather for the kids to go out and on the last Saturday so we can all have parties, the kids can stay up late and we can all relax, sleep in and take down our decorations the next day.

As always if you enjoy #ThePhilFactor please feel free to share. Have a great Tuesday! ~Phil

The Top Ten Ways to Tell if You Are A Boomer

I don’t think being a certain age means that you’re a “boomer”. My impression is that boomers are the Karens of people over 50. (Although, I think every Karen no matter what age is a Boomer) Being a boomer isn’t a specific age though, it’s more a state of mind.  There are still cool people over 50, and there are 40 year olds that act like Boomers.  Here are the top ten ways to know if you are a Boomer:

10. If you’re not worried that you might be a boomer, you’re either getting your student loans forgiven, or you’re already too far gone. Boomers are blissfully unaware that their Brady Bunch quotes might not be relevant to their grandkids. C’mon, who remembers “pork chops and applesauce”? Am I right?

9. If you just googled “Boomers age range“, you might be a Boomer. (And happily, I’m still in the Gen X range.)

8. If someone calls you Karen, and you try to correct them with your real name, you might be a Boomer. 

7. If you still buy batteries for your Jitterbug flip phone, you might be a Boomer. 

6. If you watch 60 Minutes on both the clock and the tv, you are definitely a Boomer.  

5. If you’re wearing Skechers right now: If it’s too much work to bend over and tie your shoes, you might be a Boomer.

4. If you use a three foot long shoe horn to put your Skechers on, you might be a boomer. To be honest, if you use any kind of shoe horn, you are totally a Boomer.

3. If you still have the same blog that you started in 2005 instead of a TikTok, you might be a Boomer. (present company excluded of course)

2. If you’ve never had tendonitis from playing video games, you might be a Boomer. 

1.  If you ever start any sentence with the words “In my day…” you are definitely a boomer. Also, if you are insulted by any of these, you are….

Hopefully whether you’re a boomer or not, you found some humor in this. If you didn’t, then you might be a Karen/Boomer! If you’ve got other Boomer jokes feel free to add them in the comments.

Have a great Tuesday! ~Phil

Top Ten Tuesday! Ten Questions We All Should Ask Ourselves

The genesis for this post was that last night I sat down wanting to write a new post but only wanted to spend 45 minutes doing so because there’s television to watch. In general people like top ten lists. So many of mine continue to rack up views years after I wrote them. So this is what comes out of my head with no planning or editing whatsoever. 45 minute timer…GO!

10. Am I kind enough to other people? If you’re not being kind to others, wtf is your problem? 99.9% of all humanity has never done anything wrong to you, so why be a dick? Don’t honk your horn the second the light turns green.

9. Should I still be wearing this haircut? Probably not. Unless you’re a good looking bald guy, and no, Vin Diesel doesn’t qualify. Your haircut is definitely not doing you any favors. I should know. I’ve had the same one for about a dozen years and it’s probably out of style, but I have no idea what to do next.

8. Should I really tell my spouse my real opinion on so many things? No, you definitely shouldn’t. Some of those opinions might hurt feelings, and you definitely don’t want to hear from them what they think of the flaws you don’t realize that you have.

7. Am I spending too much time on social media? I don’t know the answer to that. Some of us yes, and some of us no. But if the world is going to a more remote way of engaging with others, shouldn’t we stay current so we can stay in touch?

6.  Should I leave my money in my 401k, or pull it out before the entire economy collapses? I really don’t want to give anyone an opinion on this one, but aren’t we all thinking it? Talk to a financial adviser who isn’t managing your money or volunteering to manage your money.

5. Why is Amazon increasing their subscription service by $20 if we’re not getting anything added to the service? Jeff Bezos, you’re up. Can you answer that Mr. Billionaire? If you want loyal customers, give us a break. You and your company are profiting by billions a year and when inflation is killing the common man you decide to try to squeeze more out of us? F U

4. Shouldn’t I say something funny after all the serious questions? Yes, we all should. Never in the history of mankind have so many had so much stress. We all need to lighten up and laugh more often. I don’t know if this is funny, but if we’re playing the six degrees of separation, I may be the only person in the world through whom you can connect deceased dictator Fidel Castro and the lead singer of Tommy Tutone (867-5309)

3. Am I in the right line of work? Probably not. Unless you wake up excited for another day at your job, then you should probably find yourself a new job. Life is too short for us not to enjoy a third of it. Find what you love and find a way to make money from it. If you like it, chances are other people do too and they’ll pay for you to do it, whatever it is. After that Tommy Tutone video I feel that this video for is perfect for that last thought:

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2. How do I stop worrying about all these things: You know what? There’s probably no fool-proof way to forget your worries. Sometimes there’s even good reasons to worry about things. There’s so much wisdom on this topic in the public arena that I can’t purport to bring anything new. Enjoy the little things in life. Focus on the positive when you can and accept that life isn’t going to be perfect. Not even for effing Jeff Bezos. (Can you tell that I’m really kind of ticked about that $20 more for Amazon)

1. What’s Your One Thing? In an old movie with Billy Crystal, City Slickers, an old cowhand gave some great advice. Just find that one thing big or small that makes you happy. You’re never going to be happy all the time, but if you know your one thing, maybe you’ll be happy some of the time.

Ok, that’s it. It took me 47 minutes to write that, including adding pictures and spell checking. Not bad for my brain. I hope you enjoyed it. If you were to add a question to this list, what would it be?

Have a great Tuesday! ~Phil

Top Ten Tuesday! The Top Ten Best Captains

If Sgt. Pepper had been promoted, this would have been an easier list. In the comments please tell me your favorite or who you would add that I missed.

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10. Captain Jack Sparrow is the only captain on this list wearing eye liner.

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9. Captain Underpants: See? Not all captains are pirates or in the military! If you’re not familiar, Captain Underpants is a series of graphic novels, sort of, aimed at the 8-12 year old boys demographic, much like my blog.

Worst picture I've ever put on #ThePhilFactor

Worst picture I’ve ever put on #ThePhilFactor

8. Captain & Tennille: A cheesy husband/wife musical duo from the 70’s. The Captains “real” name is Daryl Dragon. He and Tennille used to wife swap with Tony Orlando and Dawn.

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7. Captain Morgan: Aaaand we’re back to the pirate theme. After this famous Englishman got done plundering Puerto Rico they named a rum after him.

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6. Captain America: This virtuous warrior always beats Captain England in a fight.

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5. Captain Hook:  That hook for a hand had to crimp his style with the ladies, but on the bright side he always had a corkscrew with him.

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4. Captain and Coke: If you sneak a flask of rum into the movies in your purse or under your coat, you can buy a large coke at concessions and you’re good to go for the next two hours. It makes any movie funnier.

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3. Captain Kangaroo was the main character on a terrible children’s show when I was a kid. Ironically, the show never featured an actual kangaroo, so I’m not sure who he was Captain over.

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2. Captain Kirk: He was a bad ass before the phrase bad ass was invented.

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1. Cap’n Crunch: I’d never disrespect the inventor of crunchberries by calling him “Captain” instead of Cap’n. Pretty sure he’d shiv me with a sharpened spoon and then use it to eat his breakfast over my cold, dead body. How’s that for a bad ass Captain?

Those are the ten best captains I could think of. Did I miss any of your favorites?

Have a great Tuesday! ~Captain Phil

Top Ten Tuesday! My 10 Favorite One Hit Wonder Songs

Usually one hit wonder songs seem like the greatest musical discovery in our lives for a few months and then they fade away, only to later embarrass us when someone discovers them in our music collection and mocks us. Here are 10 of my favorite one hit wonder songs. What are some of yours? I’d love to hear them in the comments.

10. Your Love by The Outfield. This was an 80’s classic and we all know the lyrics by heart. Oddly, one of my sons recently discovered The Outfield and loves the entire album.

9. Good Vibrations, Marky Mark and The Fun Bunch, 1991 No video here because I’m sure you all know this one. I wonder if The Fun Bunch is having as much fun now that Marky Mark has moved on to bigger and better things.

8. Somebody That I Used to Know, Gotye, 2011

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7. Who Let The Dogs Out? Baha Men, 2000  This song is a particular favorite of mine because of something that happened in a courtroom, one of the greatest moments in legal history, when I was on a jury in 2015. Here is what happened:

This is an actual exchange I witnessed in the courtroom between a cross examining defense attorney and a sworn under oath witness:

Attorney: So, you let the dogs out?

Witness: Yes.

When I heard that, I couldn’t help but smirk and I looked around at my fellow jurors and no one else seemed to have gotten the joke. I’ve never been more disappointed in a group of human beings in my life.

6. Stacy’s Mom, Fountains of Wayne, 2003 I find it impossible not to sing along. If you want to hear the song, don’t be afraid. The video is appropriate.

5. 1985, Bowling For Soup, 2004 Truth be told, I think I may have all this bands songs in my collection and they’re all hilarious. This one is the catchy and funny story of a suburban soccer mom who despises her minivan and wishes she were back in 1985 so that she might have a chance to “shake her ass on the hood of Whitesnake’s car.” Look it up and add it to your collection. You’ll thank me.

4. Jump Around, House of Pain, 1992  I first heard this song in a Pringles commercial in the 90’s. Here it is:

3. Breakfast at Tiffany’s, Deep Blue Something, 1996. I owned the cassette tape of this one long after I should have been buying cassettes.

2. Common People, William Shatner and Pulp, 2004. Pulp originally released this song on their own in 1995. When they re-released with Captain Kirk chipping in, it took them to new heights. If you don’t know it, give it a listen:

Gangam Style, Psy 2012. One of the weirdest most popular songs ever. The crazy video still cracks me up.

There is the Top Ten of one hit wonder songs that are actually in my music collection. So tell me in the comments, what are your embarrassing, dirty little secret one hit wonders that you sing aloud when you’re alone in your car?

Have a great Tuesday! ~Phil

Top Ten Tuesday! The Ten Best Books I’ve Ever Read. What Are Yours?

Like the title says, these are the ten best books that have ever read. They’re my favorites. Yours may be different. In fact, I’m hoping they are. Either in the comments or, in your own blog post with a link back, I’d like you to share some of your favorite books so that we can all maybe find a new favorite book or author from each other. Of course I won’t shamelessly plug my own books by putting them on my list, but if you want to, I won’t argue.

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10. The Vampire LeStat: by Anne Rice. Unbeknownst to most people (you know it’s serious when I use big words like unbeknownst) it wasn’t Stephanie Meyer who invented the vampire genre, but Anne Rice about fifteen years earlier. LeStat, referred to as the Brat Prince, is such a fun character you’ll want to become one of the undead just to hang out with him for eternity.

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9. The Da Vinci Code: by Dan Brown. The first in the series was easily the best. Don’t watch the movie because Tom Hanks stars in it with a ridiculously bad hairdo, but read the book.

8. How to Succeed in Evil: by Patrick E. McLean. Edwin Windsor is an Evil Efficiency Expert who contacts out his services to help supervillains be more villanous. Hilarious!  You end up rooting for evil!

7. Bite Me: by Christopher Moore, award winning, New York Times bestselling author who I interviewed for The Phil Factor about three years ago. Spoiler alert: This won’t be his only book on the list. Trust me on Christopher Moore. You’ll want to read so many of his books. Bite Me skewers the vampire genre with brilliant sarcasm.

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6. Dave Barry’s Complete Guide to Guys: by Pulitzer Prize winning Dave Barry, whom I interviewed for The Phil Factor in 2013. If you’re a woman, you’ll laugh as you read countless hilarious examples of the idiocy of men. If you’re a guy you”l see yourself in so many of the true stories.

5. 11/22/63: by Stephen King. I hope you didn’t watch the Hulu miniseries. They took some liberties with the plot that I didn’t think were necessary and detracted from the story. Read the book. It’s a surprising love story.

4. Good Omens: by Neil Gaimans and Terry Pratchett. Read. Laugh. Thank me later. Both authors are cherished titans of English literature, and their other solo works are brilliantly funny. Together they don’t disappoint.

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3. The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy: by Douglas Adams. This book is a literary classic. Do not, I repeat, DO NOT watch the movie. Read the book. Your cultural education cannot be considered complete until you’ve read this book.

2. A Dirty Job: by Christopher Moore. Being the Grim Reaper is a tough job, but somebody’s got to do it. Hilarity galore. If you enjoy the absurdity of Douglas Adams and Terry Pratchett, then you’ll also love Christopher Moore.

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1. Odd Thomas: by Dean Koontz. In general I consider Dean Koontz to be Stephen King lite, but Odd Thomas is his signature character. I read books from a first person point of view. I become the protagonist when I read. Some characters fit in my head better than others. Odd Thomas fit me like a glove. For me, he was one of those characters where I wasn’t sure if I wanted to be him or have him as my best friend. I read the first Odd Thomas novel at least a decade ago and was disappointed earlier this year when, after 16 novels, the series came to an end.
Those are my top ten. What are yours? Answer in the comments or create a post and link back so we can all find a few more good reads.

Have a great Tuesday! ~Phil

Top Ten Tuesday! Ten Funny Tweets

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You know I’m a fan of Twitter and one of my favorite places to hang out is funny Twitter. Funny Twitter you ask? Yes, Funny Twitter. Twitter can be whatever you want and you can find groups of people from all over the world that share your interests. If you have an interest in hand painting the shells of left handed turtles, there’s a Twitter for that. It’s called Hand Painting Left Handed Turtle Shells Twitter! Duh! There’s Democrat Twitter, Republican Twitter, Canadian Twitter and British Twitter. If you belong to a group, there’s a Twitter for you. But my favorite Twitter is the one that commences at 5 p.m. U.S. EST on Friday. It’s Weekend Twitter! There are no holds barred. I will spare you some of the more.. ahem.. interesting tweets from Weekend Twitter. Here are some of my favorite recent tweets:

Have a great Tuesday and follow all these funny people on Twitter. ~Phil

Top Ten Tuesday! Ten Reasons I Want To Live in Hotels Forever!

Admittedly, this is a re-run. But it’s an appropriate one because I’m in a hotel all week this week for work. And, c’mon, seriously, who doesn’t want to live in a hotel? Am I right?

10. No lawn to mow: At hotels I won’t have any yardwork and yet the hedges will always be impeccably trimmed and sometimes in the whimsical shapes of animals. Or should it be the shapes of whimsical animals? Are animals capable of whimsy? I’m not even sure I am.

9. Housekeeping! Who doesn’t want their room cleaned every day? I imagine though that I’d develop an unhealthy Mom complex with my housekeeper to the point that she asks to be re-assigned to another floor.

8. The hotel bar: If I lived there it would be like Cheers and everyone would know my name and yell “Phil!” when I walk in.

7. Coffee in my room: I love just hopping out of bed, turning on the coffee maker and then hopping back in bed with my fresh cup of joe to watch the morning news.

6. The in room hotel safe: I don’t care if it’s tiny. I still feel cool as hell having a safe to lock things up with my secret code. I feel all Mission Impossible-like when I use the safe. I still can’t find a way to lower myself from the ceiling when I’m pretending to break into my own safe.

5. Fresh towels! Soft, cushy and clean every day. They make me feel like that fabric softener bear in the commercial. And btw, I’m only using them once. Re-using a towel is not going to save the planet. I saw a trash receptacle at my local supermarket that said “179 recycled milk jugs were used to create this trash can.” Are you kidding me? The time, energy and fossil fuel needed to make a giant trash can out of milk jugs probably shortened the life of this planet by a year. Don’t tell me to re-use my towels!

4. Weather: I grew up in upstate New York and I still live here. I’m sick and tired of snow. No, I don’t like the change of seasons. You know who says they like the change of seasons? People who live somewhere warm. Jackasses. Spend your whole life digging your car out of the snow six months a year and see if you like the change of seasons then. When I live in hotels I’ll never have to see snow again if I don’t want to.

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3. If You’re tired of the view you can move: If it’s the view from my room or just the city the hotel is in; if I’ve seen all there is to see I can just go to another hotel somewhere else. At some point you know I’ll be in Snow White’s Castle at Disney World. That will be awkward.

2. The friendly hotel staff: They have to be nice to you whether they like you or not. It’s not that I have any problem with people not liking me, but in real, non-hotel life sometimes other people are having bad days or whatever and are not nice. Within the safe confines of a hotel everyone is friendly and there to help. Who doesn’t enjoy groveling sycophants?

1. Being driven around: If I sold my house and car and lived in hotels I’d never have to drive again. At some point in the distant future my sight and reaction time will decline to the point that it would be unsafe for me to continue driving; but you know what? I’ll still have a driver’s license and no one will stop me. When I live in hotels I’ll just call for a taxi, shuttle bus or town car if I need to go somewhere. Me living in hotels will save lives, so if you would all go buy all of my books to the point that I get that trillion dollars I need, it may even save your life. Who knows? If left to my own devices I could be driving down your street someday and you don’t really want that do you?

As always, if you enjoy #ThePhilFactor feel free to share it by hitting the Facebok or Twitter share buttons below. Also, I’d love your vote for Funniest logger in the Annual Bloggers Bash Awards. You can vote  HERE !

Have a great Tuesday! ~Phil

Top Ten Tuesday! Ten Things I Learned From Toddlers

10. A nap solves almost any problem. (I find this still applies in adulthood)

9. TV shows and movies are so much better when you watch them over and over until you have the lines memorized and then you watch them some more. (I’m convinced a child invented Netflix)

8. When you’re really bored you should just lay down on the floor no matter where you are.

7. If I cover my eyes I become invisible. (Wouldn’t it be great if this were true? At work this would come in handy)

6. Sliding glass doors are a really mean trick.

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5. Why do something for yourself if someone else will do it?

4. Sometimes just pointing is enough. (If only this worked when you’re dating!)

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3. If you can’t see it, it doesn’t exist.

2. If you act tired someone will pick you up (this is mostly only applicable to toddlers and women in bars)

1. An ear piercing scream will get you out of almost any situation.

Do you have any fun ones to add from your experience? Please put them in the comments. Have a great Tuesday! ~Phil

 

Top Ten Tuesday! The Top Ten Reasons I’m Not Spider-Man

As a kid growing up I loved Spider-Man comics because the internet hadn’t been invented yet. I wouldn’t want to be Spider-Man though and here’s why:

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10. The pay isn’t worth it: He’s doing that gig for free. He got into it because he had been too self-absorbed to stop a petty thief who later killed his uncle. If it’s me I save one life and call it even and then use the awesome strength and speed to go play pro football.

9. I like my beauty sleep: Dude goes to college, works part-time, then fights crime at night? Aint’ nobody got time for that. When does he even get time to watch TV?

8. That costume is a 24/7 wedgie: Holy crap Batman! That costume does not hide anything. He’s gotta be wearing a thong or going commando under that right? And the workout time he must need to stay in that kind of shape? No thanks. When Spidey gets to be thirty or forty years old and wants to slack off and enjoy some Krispy Kreme donuts that costume isn’t doing him any favors.

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7. The mask: Chicks dig a man of mystery, but you can’t kiss them through a mask. Also, the mask would just ruin my hair. I’ve got a full head of thick, lustrous hair that you can run your fingers through. I should know. I do it all the time. When I’m swinging through the city I want my hair rippling seductively in the breeze. If I’m fighting crime I’m going with just the black eye mask like Zorro.

6. A lot of spiders don’t really want to bite you: As a kid I spent weeks trying to provoke a spider into biting me so I’d get Spider-Man powers. Apparently they’re immune to sarcasm and insults.  I was bitten by a spider once. My finger swelled up for a day but I got no wall crawling ability.

6. No health insurance: I’m pretty sure Obamacare doesn’t cover injuries incurred while web slinging, wall crawling and fighting other costumed freaks.

5.  Anonymity sucks: Why do all superheroes hide their identities? Are you kidding? If I’ve got superpowers I’m not naming myself after a bug or hiding behind a mask. Why have the superpower if you can’t enjoy the fame? I’d be Phil. That would be my superhero name. It’s hard to be the lead on TMZ if they don’t know your name.

4. No commercial endorsements? By taking away the anonymity part of the job I’d be open to all sorts of commercial endorsement opportunities. A superhero still has to pay the electric bill somehow right?  “I may be a superhero by day, but when I take a Kapow! BLAM! or Kerplooie! right in the danger zone I may need a little help at night when I’m swinging with the ladies. That’s why I take Viagra! Camera pans out to show me and Catwoman sitting in bathtubs, holding hands and gazing at the New York skyline.

3. No vacation time: Superheroes are always morally obligated to help when lives are on the line and there’s danger afoot. Why is danger always afoot? Why can’t danger just sit there for a few days so Spider-Man can go to Cancun and lay on the beach? I want my four weeks off plus holidays.

2.  Chicks dig the bad boys: Sure, in the movies Spider-Man always has a girlfriend, but we all know that in real life chicks are looking for a guy with a little edginess and maybe a dark secret or two. I’m pretty sure that supervillain is the way to go if you’ve got superpowers and want a kick ass love life.

1. Blogging: Do you know any superheroes with a blog? I can barely keep this blog going three times a week. If I fought crime in addition to my day job it would mean the end of The Phil Factor, and when you get right down to it, we already have cops to fight the bad guys, but who’s gonna write The Phil Factor if I don’t?

Yes, some of you may remember this from almost two years ago. I’ve got a great idea for a new top ten but just couldn’t pull it together for today. As always, if you laughed at #ThePhilFactor that you think your friends would enjoy please share it by hitting the Facebook, Twitter or re-blog buttons below. Remember, with great swag comes great responsibility.