Tag Archives: Top Ten

Top Ten Tuesday! The Ten Worst Fortune Cookie Messages

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The other day I got a really lame fortune cookie fortune. It was something like “Don’t stick your arm in a wood chipper or you’ll be up in arms.” It got me thinking that not all fortunes are fortunate. Here are the ten worst fortune cookie fortunes:

10. That time that you thought no one saw you, someone did.

9. You should probably get that rash checked out. It’s worse than it seems.

8. Calm down. That girl in accounting flirts with everybody.

7. If you’re looking for wisdom in a fortune cookie you’re a moron.

6. You should probably brush up your resume’.

5. Your blog isn’t as funny as you think.

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4. Avoid nude beaches. Please. 

3. Don’t eat any Chinese food today. It will make you very ill. No, seriously, stay near a bathroom.

2. A bird in the hand will probably crap in your palm.

1. Don’t worry about the expiration date on your milk. Don’t ask how I know. I just do.

So what’s the best fortune you’ve ever gotten? Did you ever have any come true? Have a great Tuesday! ~Phil

Top Ten Tuesday! Ten Amish TV Shows There Should Be

Who are we kidding? We know we all love the Amish. If there were an Amish TV channel we’d binge watch all of the shows on Netflix. Here are ten shows that would be killer in the Amish Nielsen ratings.

10. House of Cardboard: Inept Jebediah Gruber keeps building his house out of cardboard and the strong wind off the plains keeps blowing it over. Each week his clumsy friends Levi, Amos, and Paul come over to rebuild while the women-folk churn butter and gossip. Hijinks ensue.

9. Breaking Bad Wind: Miriam Fisher is lactose intolerant but ironically lives on a dairy farm. Her frequent flatulence wreaks havoc on her dating life.

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8. Downtown Abbey: Young Abbey Stoltzfus has known nothing but the Amish farm life. She has heard tales of the big city from tourists who frequent the family farm stand and she yearns to see more and be more, believing that her future lies in the city that never sleeps. How will she achieve her dreams against her parents wishes?

7. CSI Lancaster: Lancaster, Pennslyvania; the epicenter of Amish culture is an attraction for tourists, but it’s also an attraction for murder. Pastor King is found with a pitchfork through his chest and his crucifix missing. Detective Jacob usually handles hog theft. Is he in over his black bearded head with this mystery?

6. Amish Idol: Best yodeler wins the right to marry the woman of their choice. It’s really only one episode, live from the Raber family barn. 20 minutes tops.

discoverychannel.com

discoverychannel.com

5. 16 and Pregnant: Josephine’s sixteen year old prize winning cow surprises everyone by becoming pregnant. But who is the father? Could it be the Yoder’s bull or perhaps a strange bull who got loose when the gypsy travelers passed through town?

4. The Working Dead: Jethro attempts to fake his own death to get out of building “one more frickin’ barn that we don’t need.” Will the community laugh it off or will Jethro’s lazy ways finally get him shunned?

3. A Mennonite Gladiator: The pacifist Amish are enthralled and confused by a bearded man in a sequined cape who attempts to pick fights with everyone in town.

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2. Dr. Who? One Amish communities resistance to modern medical care results in an epidemic of chlamydia, foot in mouth disease, and ringworm. Will they give in and accept help or suffer until they’re extinct?

1. Game of Phones: Eli and Samuel buy cell phones from some tourists and discover the joys of sexting. As the only two Amish with cell phones, they don’t realize that it’s each others “barns” they’re raising. Hijinks and a surprisingly sensitive exploration of sexuality ensue. (Rated MA for mature content)

So what would be your suggestions for TV shows the Amish would enjoy? Also, from the results of last weeks poll it looks like there are a whole bunch of bloggers who would like to do guest posts on #ThePhilFactor. If you’re one of them e-mail me or say so in the comments and we’ll get started. Have a great Tuesday! ~Phil

Top Ten Tuesday! Ten Weird “Facts” About Australia

From Twitter @weareAustralia

I was perusing my stats for the year and I discovered that despite ranking 119th in population by country, Norway was visiting my blog more often than #Australia, which ranks 53rd. I do love my friends from the wonderful snowy country of Norway as I’ve written about them before but the grass is always greener on the other side, right? On the other side of the world from Norway is Australia, a completely odd country in it’s own right and I want more of those weirdos visiting my blog so I decided I’d try to provoke a reaction by writing about them. Here are ten possibly true “facts” about Australia.

10. Some people in Australia raise their children in kangaroo-like pouches: A new strap on prosthetic pouch is often worn by mother’s, and sometimes fathers, to simulate the physical closeness, warmth and bonding seen among kangaroos and their offspring.

9. Australia is full of a lot of weird wildlife, including camels: Camels? In Australia? Aren’t they from the Middle East? Saudi Arabia imports camels from Australia.

8. The water swirling in a toilet in Australia goes counter-clockwise: That’s the opposite of all the toilets in the northern hemisphere.

7. Despite inventing the boomerang, Australians only finished 3rd in it at the most recent Olympics.

6. The band Men at Work was so popular that two of the members have been knighted and one is currently the acting Prime Minister.

5. The city of Melbourne was originally called Batmania.

4. Australia is the largest peninsula in the world.

3. Kangaroos can’t jump or walk backwards: Because of this they are easy to sneak up on and Australians frequently startle kangaroos and run away.

2. Although English is spoken predominantly, there is a native Australian language, kukuku, that most Australians speak at home.

1. Australia once declared war on England: Australia was originally an English colony and in 1871 they declared war on England to gain their independence as a sovereign nation. England calculated the time an effort to actually go to Australia to fight the war and they just said, “Feck it, you can go.” That was the actual newspaper headline.

Some of these facts are true, some are partially true and some are completely made up. Can you tell the difference? If any of you reading this are from the land down under, I’d love to hear from you. Have a great Tuesday, or Wednesday if you’re in Australia. ~Phil

Top Ten Tuesday! Ten Reasons I Won’t Date Taylor Swift

I won’t. I won’t do it. No matter how much she begs or how many songs she writes, I won’t date Taylor Swift. Here’s why:

10. If Taylor Swift married me and took my name, her name would be Taylor Taylor and that’s just ridiculous. But, if she took my first name as her married surname, her name would be Taylor Phil. I might consider letting her do that. It would be great fun at party introductions. “Hi, I’m Phil Taylor and this is my wife Taylor Phil.”

9. If she and I broke up with each other she’d write songs about it and I’d write blogs about it. Does the world really need that?

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8. The relationship would never work. She’d be jealous and insecure about my success. It would probably destroy her.

7. Mrs. Phil would probably kick both our asses , resulting in a lengthy and highly public trial, and I can’t go through that again.

6. Because of their well publicized feud over me, if I dated Taylor Swift I’d never get a shot with Katy Perry. (pause) Or would I?

Taylor & Katy in better times before they began fighting over me

Taylor & Katy in better times before they began fighting over me

5. She’s too tall. At 5’11’, she’s taller than me, and well… there’s all sorts of ways that would be awkward. Like at red carpet events for instance: “Hi Taylor. Melissa Rivers here from E! network. Oh wait, stop the camera. Why is your chauffeur still with you?”

4. I don’t want to get stuck supporting that one hit wonder in her old age when she’s lost her marginal good looks and blown all the money she made from that one song that did ok.

3. She’s attractive and all, but she’s no Kylie Minogue. (A little blatant pandering to my U.K. and Australian friends who’ve read this far. If you did, give me a quick shout out in the comments so I know that reference wasn’t in vain)

Kylie dailytelegraph.com.au

Kylie     dailytelegraph.com.au

2.   I’m a pretty forgiving guy, but not once has Taylor’s agent called me and asked if she could be interviewed on #ThePhilFactor. I don’t pursue. I’m the pursued.

1. Taylor may be able to rhyme some catchy lyrics, but from what I’ve heard she’s a snooze when it comes to conversation. Apparently Taylor isn’t all that swift.

As always, feel free to share with your favorite Taylor Swift fan by hitting the Facebook, Twitter, or re-blog button below. Have a great Tuesday!

Top Ten Tuesday! The Ten Worst Songs I’ve Ever Heard

Yes, The Beatles made my list. Read on to find out which song.These are the songs that make my brain want to seize and I hit the change station button on the first note. I apologize that many of these are over twenty years old. That’s the last time I listened to pop music because most of it is terrible.

10. Rick Astley- Never Gonna Give You Up: A song so bad that it became a joke to send your friends a link, tell them it’s something else and have them open it up to discover this piece of crap.

9. We are the World: A bunch of formerly good artists: Yes, I know it was done to raise money to feed the hungry or something, but I don’t care how hungry I am, this song will make me vomit.

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8. The Beatles:Ob-La-Di, Ob-La-Da: I don’t care that it’s The Beatles. This song is stupid. Nonsense lyrics are always bad. Just ask The Police.

7. Diesel: Sausalito Summer Nights: This might be the worst ever. If you don’t remember it, click on the video below and listen to about 30 seconds. This song should be used as torture for prisoners of war. I doubt that the United Nations would allow that.

6. Just a Friend: Biz Markie: This is the Sausalito Summer Nights for a new generation. A shout out to my friend Jim Bernheimer who gave me the idea for this when a character in his book played this on a loop to torture someone they were holding captive.

5. Come on Eileen: Dexy’s Midnight Runners: I’m pretty sure the band was saying “Come on Eileen, don’t leave. Our music isn’t that bad.” Yes guys,  it is.

4. Smoke on the Water: Deep Purple: Ugh. This three chord monstrosity has stood the test of time. I think it’s the first song every 10 year old learns at their first guitar lesson. You can’t go into a guitar store without hearing somebody playing it.

3. Stars are Blind: Paris Hilton: Do I really need to make any commentary for this?

2.  What Does The Fox Say: Ylvis: It may have been hilariously funny but it is a terrible piece of music. What the hell though. Those Norwegians need something to smile about.

1. Stone Temple Pilots: Plush: Where ya’ going with that mask I found? And I feel, and I feel. When the dogs begin to smell her, will she smell alone? WORST SONG LYRIC IN THE HISTORY OF PLANET EARTH.

If you have ideas or suggestions of songs that you find equally reprehensible please add them in the comments. Have a great Tuesday! ~Phil

Top Ten Tuesday! Ten Reasons Dogs Are Better Than Cats

10. Dogs always warn you when there’s a house fire.

9. According to Cruella Deville, they make excellent coats.

8. Dogs are too stupid to lie.

8. The Grinch had a dog. (Who knows his name?)

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7. Dogs often solve mysteries (see Doo, Scooby)

6. Dogs are capable of making noises you can hear more than three feet away.

5. When Timmy falls down a well dogs will always tell you.  Remember Baby Jessica? Yup, dog told them where she was.  (I hope she reads this. Hi Jessica!)

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4. Brian Griffin (R.I.P.) fom Family Guy, funniest cartoon character ever, is a dog.

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3. Dogs always act like whatever you’re saying is really interesting. Cats won’t even feign a little interest.

2. Dogs will always clean up food you drop on the floor. In fact, my dog is officially my housekeeper.

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1. If my dog hadn’t followed me up to my writing room, like she does every night, I would still be trying to figure out my Top Ten list for today.

If you have any more reasons why dogs are better than cats feel free to share in the comments. Cat people, you get your day next week. Have a great Tuesday! ~Phil

Top Ten Tuesday! The Ten Best Movie Sequels Ever

With the recent debut of Guardians of the Galaxy vol. II and the return of the Alien movie franchise in ten days, I thought I’d explore sequels. Personally, I rarely like sequels. If you disagree with my list of the best sequels, please feel free to add your opinion in the comments, but if you want to add one to the list, say which one you’d take off the list.

10. Men in Black III: For the rest of this list I averaged the rankings of several websites and surveys, but this choice was all mine. If you enjoyed the first Men in Black movie, watch part two and then this one, MIB3. The last chapter in the trilogy ties everything together brilliantly with heart and humor.

9. Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan: Like I said, from here on this list is an average from several sites. I don’t see this one ranking as an all timer. Sure, who doesn’t love Ricardo Montalban and seeing Spock buy the farm? But a top ten sequel? And seriously, how old were the people that ranked this movie this high?

8. The Lord of The Rings: The Two Towers: I think the series as a whole should rank right up there on the list of all movie franchises. Honestly, they all blur together in my head and I can’t remember anything specific from any one of them. If the world says this was the best one, I’ll buy it.

7. The Dark Knight: Propelled by Heath Ledger’s brilliantly creepy Joker this film stands out as the best of the series.

6. Silence of The Lambs: Few people realize that this suspense/thriller is actually a sequel to 1986’s Manhunter that featured another detective on the trail of Hannibal Lecter.

5. Terminator 2: Judgement Day: I saw this. It was a good sequel, but I don’t know if it was top 5 all time. What do you think?

4. Aliens: Number two in the Alien series back when Sigourney Weaver was still kicking Alien ass.

3. Star Wars: The Empire Strikes Back: In the first movie Princess Leia kisses her brother. This movie she kisses Han Solo. She was kind of an intergalactic slut don’t you think? Still everyone loves this because Luke got his hand cut off.

2. Toy Story 2: As good as the first, but for my money, I’d include Toy Story 3 in place of this. It’s hilarious.

1. The Godfather Part II: To be honest, I’ve never watched a Godfather movie from start to finish. I’m just not into blood and murder. I’m more of a comedy kind of guy. I do however know all the classic lines.

So, what movies would you put in your top ten sequels list, and which ones on this list would you take out?

Have a great Tuesday! ~Phil