Very happy Sloth couch potato, eating hibiscus flowers.
10. They are waaay to into weed.
9. Constipation
8. Their mother is calling and they really don’t want to go in for dinner.
7. Once a cop said, “Don’t make any quick moves.”
6. They’re tired from working out.
5. They we’re listening when Ferris Bueller said, “Life moves pretty fast. If you don’t stop and look around once in awhile you could miss it.”
4. You know sometimes kids play “Let’s pretend the floor is lava”? Sloths play “Let’s pretend the air is water.”
3. They are actually aliens from a parallel universe where they are considered fast A.F.
2. They are all asleep and in one of those dreams where you’re trying to run fast but you can’t get away from anyone.
1. They’re sloths, duh! Don’t overthink it.
I’m sure this post is definitely going to rank #1 on Google searches about funny sloths by the end of the day. I hope you’re having a nice Friday and easing into the weekend slowly like a sloth.
Have you ever thought to yourself, “I am so sick of hearing that phrase!”? Sometimes it’s an acronym at work. Other times it’s a pop culture phenomenon. And often it’s a word or phrase that someone from another generation (younger) seems to say all the time that makes no sense to you.
Lake Superior State University, is located in Michigan’s upper peninsula, which should really be part of Wisconsin. Each year they publish a list of the top ten words that people would like to see banished. That’s exactly the kind of hard hitting research you’ll find at a “state school.” I should know, because I went to one. Harvard is busy curing cancer, but Lake Superior State University is spending public money making lists of silly phrases. They are definitely my kind of people.
I’ll give you the list with my comments and I’d love to hear your thoughts and suggestions in the comments.
10. Supply chain: 90% of us didn’t know what a supply chain was before 2021. Now it’s my favorite phrase to get out of work. “I’m sorry boss, I can’t make it to work today. Supply chain issues.” Supply chain gets me out of more things than Covid. “I apologize your honor, but I can’t be on this jury all week. Supply chain issues.” or “Not tonight honey. I’ve got supply chain issues.” (Ladies, feel free to use that last one)
9. You’re on mute: I hear this one a lot when I’m pretending to have technical difficulties to get out of being on a two hour Zoom meeting. Also my wife is fond of saying, “Sorry honey. I can’t hear you. You’re on mute.” She says that when she’s sitting right next to me. A lot.
8. New Normal: Anybody that’s using this phrase is just giving up on life. Saying that something is the new normal is like saying, “I give up. This sucks but I can’t change anything.” I don’t think we should avoid the phrase. I think that anyone who says it should immediately be prescribed an anti-depressant and sentenced to ten weeks of therapy.
7. Deep Dive: Admittedly, I’ve used this one in work situations more than once. Yes, I know it’s overused, but what else can we say that means the same and is just as cool? In-depth look? Nah. That phrase bores me. I fell asleep typing it. Thorough investigation? That only sounds good with a British accent and I can never pull that off. (Now you’re imagining that phrase in a British accent aren’t you? See what I mean?”)
6. Circle back: Of course this one came from a state school. When I was in college and we we’re at a bar near campus that was basically circular, we’d check out the talent by walking a lap around the bar. If you couldn’t find someone to your liking, you say to your friends, “Nope. Nothing yet. I’m going to circle back in a half hour or so.” Now my generation uses it in Zoom meetings to say, “Yeah, no. That’s not gonna happen.”
5. Asking for a friend: Never in the history of the world has anyone ever believed this lie. People on Twitter wore this phrase out six years ago.
4. That being said… This is a way to pretend you agree but you’re really disagreeing. It sounds a little pretentious to me. Enough so that if you’re on a Zoom call, pretend you don’t hear the person and repeatedly say, “You’re on mute. I can’t hear you.” Give it about minute or two before you acknowledge them again.
3. At the end of the day… This is a way to act smart and pretend that you’re saying something obvious. It’s also a great way to get people thinking of 5:00 and having a drink as soon as “this blowhard on my work conference call shuts the hell up.” People who say ‘At the end of the day’ are the people that overtalk in every conference call be cause they want to impress the higher ups.
2. No worries! People that say this are obviously worriers trying to overcompensate by using this linguistic pacifier. If someone says this to you, immediate worrying is called for. They’re like the character in a suspense film who says, “Don’t worry. We got this,” right before all hell breaks loose.
1. Wait, what? In other words, “Are you effing kidding me?” It’s a cute way to express disbelief, as in “Are you serious? Did you just say that?” This is always the prelude to a good conflict and if you’re lucky, fisticuffs.
Now there’s a word we should pump up in 2022. Fisticuffs! In the comments, what are the words and phrases you found most tiresome in 2021?
Hi everyone. Happy New Year’s Eve. We’ve made it through another year and I thank you for all your reading, support, and comments over the past year. Just in case you woke up this morning wondering what the most popular Phil Factor posts were in 2018, well I’ve got you covered. Here they are!
You might have noticed that a couple of them weren’t written in 2018. Their popularity continues thanks to search engines that bring people to The Phil Factor from all over the world for very strange reasons. Have a Happy New Year tonight and be safe! For my friends in Australia, I hope you had a nice New Year’s Eve! ~Phil
See? I’m not a Scrooge or a Grinch. Last weeks Top Ten Reasons to HATE the Holidays was just an attention-getter. Everybody knows that haters gonna hate. But I’m a fair guy, so here’s all my reasons to love the holiday season:
forums.hexus.net
10. Ridiculous Holiday Light Displays: That’s not my house but I wish it was. I love people that take the decorating and lights waaaay too far. I wish we could do it all year long. If there’s a neighborhood that decorates all year long, let me know. I’ll move there.
9. Getting presents: Well duh! Free stuff that we didn’t know we needed or wanted? Yes please! Notice that the presents are only 9th on my list? That’s because I’m not superficial and materialistic.
8. Nutcrackers: I buy my nuts pre-cracked but I love these guys anyway for no good reason. As much as I love them I’d also love Stephen King, or maybe me, to write a Christmas horror story where nutcrackers come to life and terrorize people like Chuckie. Imagine how creepy they’s be if you added sharp teeth! (Yes, that herd of nutcrackers is at my house staring at me right now)
7. Holiday Movies: Scroll back to Tuesday Dec. 8th for my list of the ten best holiday movies.
6. Time off from work: Let’s be honest, how many of us love our job so much that we’d do it even if we didn’t get paid? Bueller? Bueller? Yeah, I didn’t think so. I’m taking the week off between Christmas and New Years. Don’t worry, I’ll still keep blogging because I’d do that even if they didn’t pay me.
5. Holiday Specials: Scroll back to Dec 1st for my top ten holiday specials. The Grinch is a total badass but he’s not number 1 on that list.
4. Awkward Family Holiday Photos: I don’t care if they’re real or fake, they’re funny. I hope someday to create my own that becomes a meme on the internet.
3. Sometimes jerks try a little harder not to be: Including me. I don’t think I’m a jerk, but it’s nice that me and most other people try a little harder to be cordial, except at the mall.
2. My holiday tie collection: Yes, this is one you should love too. This year I own enough holiday themed ties that I can wear a different one every work day from Thanksgiving until Christmas. If you follow me on Instagram or Facebook you’ve probably seen them.
1. _________________________
Number 1 is left blank for you. What is it that you love about the holidays above all else? Put in the comments what you love most about Hanukkah or Christmas. Have a great Tuesday!~Phil
I knew it. I knew you couldn’t resist the title. I can’t blame you. I’d click on this too. We all love the mysterious Amish and we all wonder what goes on behind closed doors, or is it closed barn doors? The Amish sure seem to have a lot of kids and I’m pretty sure they’re not getting them by cloning or in-vitro fertilization. The Amish make their kids the old fashioned way, or ways, ten to be exact. Consider this post the new Amish Kama Sutra. Enjoy the list you perverts!
THE TOP TEN AMISH SEX POSITIONS
10. The Butter Churn move
9. The Barn Raiser
8. Milk your own cow
7. The Downward Hog
6. The Lancaster
5. The Bonnet Comet
4. The Pennsylvania Dutch Oven
3. The Suspender Bender
2. The Guilty Quilty
1. The Horse & Buggy
Yes, I know you were hoping for different kinds of pictures, but that’s what the rest of the internet is for. If you thought this was funny, please feel free to share it with your equally perverted friends by hitting one of the social media sharing buttons below. Have a great Tuesday! ~Phil
9. The Ten Most Horrific Diseases You Didn’t Know About
8. Ten Ways Your Pets Might Kill You
7. The Ten Worst Ideas for Top Ten Lists
6. Ten Ways To Tell If Your Spouse Doesn’t Love You
5. The Ten Most Painful Things That Could Happen To You
4. Ten Reasons You’ll Never Really Find Happiness
3. The Ten Most Unusual Bowel Movements Ever
2. Ten Ways Your Children Will Disappoint You
1. Ten Things Living Inside Your Body Right Now
So who wants me to actually look up and create lists for all of these? And which one would be the absolute worst for you to read? Or do you have another suggestion for the list? Have a great Tuesday everyone! ~Phil
Since we all will eventually be zombies I wanted to take a moment to remind everyone that it’s not all bad. In fact there are quite a few perks to being undead.
10. Zombies never pay insurance premiums: No health, no dental, no auto or home. Who isn’t frustrated by all the money you spend on insurance that you never get back? Zombies, that’s who!
9. Cardio! With all that constant, aimless wandering around zombies are in great shape.
8. Your wardrobe never goes out of style! Just wear the same outfit forever, kind of like our parents.
7. No tan lines! That’s hot, right?
6. Dating is easy: Zombie chicks don’t care if you have six pack abs. In fact, they don’t care if you have abs at all!
5. Zombies don’t worry about pageviews: I’ve never once seen a zombie blogger check his phone 10x during the day to see how many people read his blog. Zombies don’t give a crap if you read their blog. They’re cool like that.
4. When You’re Dead, Weight Loss is Easy! Got a few extra pounds? Just offer it to your friend as an appetizer. How many points is an arm worth Weight Watchers?
3. All the unprotected sex you want! Do I need to elaborate on this one?
2. No technology worries: Zombies never worry about a wi-fi signal or their phone battery.
1. The night life is phenomenal! Every night, all night raves. And now that Michael Jackson is dead he can dance with the zombies forever! What? Too soon?
Feel free to share by the Facebook, Twitter or reblog buttons below. Have a great Tuesday everyone! ~Phil
I can’t even tell you how much I hate GIFs, but when the subject of finger guns came up, how could I pass on Michael Scott? Last Friday I dropped my son off at college and for one of the pictures in his dorm room he posed, giving me the finger guns. I said to myself, “Phil, there must be a lot of perfect moments in life to pull out the finger guns. Also Phil, it’s odd that you refer to yourself in the third person in your own inner monologue.” Both very true, so I said to myself, “Phil, you should make a top ten list of the best times in life to pull out the finger guns.”
10. For your author picture on the inside cover of your next book. Mark my words folks… Time to Lie, estimated release date Dec. 2015.
9. At the end of surgery or any medical procedure really, and especially at the end of a colonoscopy or ob/gyn visit. If someone is mucking about in my private parts I want them to be confident about it.
8. Walking down the aisle after tying the knot. We’ve seen far too many wedding parties dance down the aisle to Pharrell’s Happy. How about if the bride and groom turn around and give the whole crowd the fingers guns as they leave the church?
7. Birth of a child: What wife doesn’t want the finger guns from her hubby just to say, “You did alright honey”? If that doesn’t make 20 hours of labor worth it, I don’t know what will.
6. At the end of a job interview: Win or lose, good or bad, it always looks good to walk out with a little swagger. Finger guns gives you that in any situation.
5. Funerals: Far too many funerals are ruined by a lack of humor. If the deceased was posed in the casket, or even in a chair, giving the finger guns, who wouldn’t crack a smile?
4. After winning anything: This one’s pretty obvious. Whether it be a Nobel Prize or a game of backgammon with your grandma, there’s no better way to say, I’m the man, or I’m the Woman, than with finger guns. True fact: I taught my dog to do finger guns.
Finger Gun Inventor Ted Lange
3. When you’re a bartender on a cruise ship: Actor Ted Lange, aka bartender Isaac Washington on the late 70’s/early 80’s show The Love Boat is credited as having invented the finger guns. Now all Royal Caribbean cruise ship bartenders are required to incorporate finger guns in their interactions with customers or the drinks are free.
2. Presidential debates: I hereby vow that I will give my vote to any candidate who finger guns his opponent after a rebuttal.
1. At the completion of sex. I think the most important part would be putting the guns in their imaginary holsters on your naked hips after. Please someone do this and then come back to the comments just to tell me you did.
As always, if you enjoy #ThePhilFactor please feel free to shshare by hitting the Facebook, Twiiter or re-blog buttons below. If you do I’ll give you the finger guns! Have a great Tuesday! ~Phil
Your new password must include: a letter, a number, the coordinates for where you lost your virginity, two pieces of garlic bread, the name of your first uncle’s third dog, a color ending in r, your mom’s banana bread recipe and a self-addressed stamped envelope.
— 🦄🧛🏻♀️👻🖤ficklenuts🖤👻🧛🏻♀️🦄 (@ficklenuts) May 4, 2018
Tilapia, the fish of revenge.
He thinks as he hits 2 minutes at full power on the break room microwave.
Even good artists write bad lyrics sometimes. Here are ten of the worst:
10. Nickelback, Figure You Out: “I love your pants around your feet… You’re like my favourite damn disease.” Not a shock that Nickelback made the list, right? Seriously, who has a favourite disease ? 9. Puff Daddy feat. Mase, Can’t Nobody Hold Me Down: ““Young, black and famous – with money hanging out the anus.” Does he even know how money works? This is exactly why they say money isn’t clean and you shouldn’t put it in your mouth.
8. The Beatles, Ob La Di, Ob La Da: “Ob la di, ob-la-da, life goes on, bra” Thanks genius philosophers. That was helpful.
7. Stone Temple Pilots, Plush: “When the dogs begin to smell her, will she smell alone?” If she’s that smelly, maybe some sort of intervention…
6. R. Kelly, You Remind Me of Something: “Girl you look just like my cars, I want to wax it” R. Kelly has a way with words. I’m sure the ladies like being compared to a car.
5. Kaiser Chiefs, Oh My God: “You work in a shirt with your name tag on it, drifting apart like a plate tectonic.” At least it rhymes. Apparently he has a problem with name tags. How does he order at McDonald’s?
4. Prince, Supercalifragisexy: “Keep the blood flowing down to your feet, Brother Lois will be around in a minute, with a bucket filled with squirreled meat.” Not only does the not sound good, that lyric is anything but supercalifragisexy. Raise your hands, who here wants to be presented with a bucket of squirreled meat? I didn’t think so.
3. Deep Purple, Highway Star: “She’s got everything – like a moving mouth, body control and everything.” They nailed it. Those are exactly the qualities I find attractive in a woman. My standards are not very high.
2. Queen, Bicycle Race: “You say ‘black’ I say ‘white’. You say ‘bark’ I say ‘bite’. You say ‘shark’ I say ‘hey man ‘Jaws’ was never my scene!’” This is apparently a transcript from Freddie Mercury’s therapy session.
1. Red Hot Chili Peppers, Around The World: “Bonafide ride, step aside my johnson. Yes I could in the woods of Wisconsin.” That’s maybe one of the best haikus ever, but nobody sings about Wisconsin.
Those weren’t in any particular ranking order, but they are all epically bad. What are the worst song lyrics you can think of? Please add them in the comments and if there’s enough I’ll put out another list and link to the contributors. Have a great Tuesday! ~Phil
Self-proclaimed grand poobah of leisure and author of humorous suspense novels The Sneaker Tree & White Picket Prisons, the humor essay book Fifty Shades of Phil and the long running blog The Phil Factor.
thephilfactor.com
