Hi everyone. Happy New Year’s Eve. We’ve made it through another year and I thank you for all your reading, support, and comments over the past year. Just in case you woke up this morning wondering what the most popular Phil Factor posts were in 2018, well I’ve got you covered. Here they are!
You might have noticed that a couple of them weren’t written in 2018. Their popularity continues thanks to search engines that bring people to The Phil Factor from all over the world for very strange reasons. Have a Happy New Year tonight and be safe! For my friends in Australia, I hope you had a nice New Year’s Eve! ~Phil
See? I’m not a Scrooge or a Grinch. Last weeks Top Ten Reasons to HATE the Holidays was just an attention-getter. Everybody knows that haters gonna hate. But I’m a fair guy, so here’s all my reasons to love the holiday season:
10. Ridiculous Holiday Light Displays: That’s not my house but I wish it was. I love people that take the decorating and lights waaaay too far. I wish we could do it all year long. If there’s a neighborhood that decorates all year long, let me know. I’ll move there.
9. Getting presents: Well duh! Free stuff that we didn’t know we needed or wanted? Yes please! Notice that the presents are only 9th on my list? That’s because I’m not superficial and materialistic.
8. Nutcrackers: I buy my nuts pre-cracked but I love these guys anyway for no good reason. As much as I love them I’d also love Stephen King, or maybe me, to write a Christmas horror story where nutcrackers come to life and terrorize people like Chuckie. Imagine how creepy they’s be if you added sharp teeth! (Yes, that herd of nutcrackers is at my house staring at me right now)
7. Holiday Movies: Scroll back to Tuesday Dec. 8th for my list of the ten best holiday movies.
6. Time off from work: Let’s be honest, how many of us love our job so much that we’d do it even if we didn’t get paid? Bueller? Bueller? Yeah, I didn’t think so. I’m taking the week off between Christmas and New Years. Don’t worry, I’ll still keep blogging because I’d do that even if they didn’t pay me.
5. Holiday Specials: Scroll back to Dec 1st for my top ten holiday specials. The Grinch is a total badass but he’s not number 1 on that list.
4. Awkward Family Holiday Photos: I don’t care if they’re real or fake, they’re funny. I hope someday to create my own that becomes a meme on the internet.
3. Sometimes jerks try a little harder not to be: Including me. I don’t think I’m a jerk, but it’s nice that me and most other people try a little harder to be cordial, except at the mall.
2. My holiday tie collection: Yes, this is one you should love too. This year I own enough holiday themed ties that I can wear a different one every work day from Thanksgiving until Christmas. If you follow me on Instagram or Facebook you’ve probably seen them.
Number 1 is left blank for you. What is it that you love about the holidays above all else? Put in the comments what you love most about Hanukkah or Christmas. Have a great Tuesday!~Phil
I knew it. I knew you couldn’t resist the title. I can’t blame you. I’d click on this too. We all love the mysterious Amish and we all wonder what goes on behind closed doors, or is it closed barn doors? The Amish sure seem to have a lot of kids and I’m pretty sure they’re not getting them by cloning or in-vitro fertilization. The Amish make their kids the old fashioned way, or ways, ten to be exact. Consider this post the new Amish Kama Sutra. Enjoy the list you perverts!
THE TOP TEN AMISH SEX POSITIONS
10. The Butter Churn move
9. The Barn Raiser
8. Milk your own cow
7. The Downward Hog
6. The Lancaster
5. The Bonnet Comet
4. The Pennsylvania Dutch Oven
3. The Suspender Bender
2. The Guilty Quilty
1. The Horse & Buggy
Yes, I know you were hoping for different kinds of pictures, but that’s what the rest of the internet is for. If you thought this was funny, please feel free to share it with your equally perverted friends by hitting one of the social media sharing buttons below. Have a great Tuesday! ~Phil
9. The Ten Most Horrific Diseases You Didn’t Know About
8. Ten Ways Your Pets Might Kill You
7. The Ten Worst Ideas for Top Ten Lists
6. Ten Ways To Tell If Your Spouse Doesn’t Love You
5. The Ten Most Painful Things That Could Happen To You
4. Ten Reasons You’ll Never Really Find Happiness
3. The Ten Most Unusual Bowel Movements Ever
2. Ten Ways Your Children Will Disappoint You
1. Ten Things Living Inside Your Body Right Now
So who wants me to actually look up and create lists for all of these? And which one would be the absolute worst for you to read? Or do you have another suggestion for the list? Have a great Tuesday everyone! ~Phil
5. Zombies don’t worry about pageviews: I’ve never once seen a zombie blogger check his phone 10x during the day to see how many people read his blog. Zombies don’t give a crap if you read their blog. They’re cool like that.
4. When You’re Dead, Weight Loss is Easy! Got a few extra pounds? Just offer it to your friend as an appetizer. How many points is an arm worth Weight Watchers?
3. All the unprotected sex you want! Do I need to elaborate on this one?
2. No technology worries: Zombies never worry about a wi-fi signal or their phone battery.
I can’t even tell you how much I hate GIFs, but when the subject of finger guns came up, how could I pass on Michael Scott? Last Friday I dropped my son off at college and for one of the pictures in his dorm room he posed, giving me the finger guns. I said to myself, “Phil, there must be a lot of perfect moments in life to pull out the finger guns. Also Phil, it’s odd that you refer to yourself in the third person in your own inner monologue.” Both very true, so I said to myself, “Phil, you should make a top ten list of the best times in life to pull out the finger guns.”
10. For your author picture on the inside cover of your next book. Mark my words folks… Time to Lie, estimated release date Dec. 2015.
9. At the end of surgery or any medical procedure really, and especially at the end of a colonoscopy or ob/gyn visit. If someone is mucking about in my private parts I want them to be confident about it.
8. Walking down the aisle after tying the knot. We’ve seen far too many wedding parties dance down the aisle to Pharrell’s Happy. How about if the bride and groom turn around and give the whole crowd the fingers guns as they leave the church?
7. Birth of a child: What wife doesn’t want the finger guns from her hubby just to say, “You did alright honey”? If that doesn’t make 20 hours of labor worth it, I don’t know what will.
6. At the end of a job interview: Win or lose, good or bad, it always looks good to walk out with a little swagger. Finger guns gives you that in any situation.
5. Funerals: Far too many funerals are ruined by a lack of humor. If the deceased was posed in the casket, or even in a chair, giving the finger guns, who wouldn’t crack a smile?
4. After winning anything: This one’s pretty obvious. Whether it be a Nobel Prize or a game of backgammon with your grandma, there’s no better way to say, I’m the man, or I’m the Woman, than with finger guns. True fact: I taught my dog to do finger guns.
Finger Gun Inventor Ted Lange
3. When you’re a bartender on a cruise ship: Actor Ted Lange, aka bartender Isaac Washington on the late 70’s/early 80’s show The Love Boat is credited as having invented the finger guns. Now all Royal Caribbean cruise ship bartenders are required to incorporate finger guns in their interactions with customers or the drinks are free.
2. Presidential debates: I hereby vow that I will give my vote to any candidate who finger guns his opponent after a rebuttal.
1. At the completion of sex. I think the most important part would be putting the guns in their imaginary holsters on your naked hips after. Please someone do this and then come back to the comments just to tell me you did.
As always, if you enjoy #ThePhilFactor please feel free to shshare by hitting the Facebook, Twiiter or re-blog buttons below. If you do I’ll give you the finger guns! Have a great Tuesday! ~Phil
Your new password must include: a letter, a number, the coordinates for where you lost your virginity, two pieces of garlic bread, the name of your first uncle’s third dog, a color ending in r, your mom’s banana bread recipe and a self-addressed stamped envelope.
Even good artists write bad lyrics sometimes. Here are ten of the worst:
10. Nickelback, Figure You Out: “I love your pants around your feet… You’re like my favourite damn disease.” Not a shock that Nickelback made the list, right? Seriously, who has a favourite disease ? 9. Puff Daddy feat. Mase, Can’t Nobody Hold Me Down: ““Young, black and famous – with money hanging out the anus.” Does he even know how money works? This is exactly why they say money isn’t clean and you shouldn’t put it in your mouth.
8. The Beatles, Ob La Di, Ob La Da: “Ob la di, ob-la-da, life goes on, bra” Thanks genius philosophers. That was helpful.
7. Stone Temple Pilots, Plush: “When the dogs begin to smell her, will she smell alone?” If she’s that smelly, maybe some sort of intervention…
6. R. Kelly, You Remind Me of Something: “Girl you look just like my cars, I want to wax it” R. Kelly has a way with words. I’m sure the ladies like being compared to a car.
5. Kaiser Chiefs, Oh My God: “You work in a shirt with your name tag on it, drifting apart like a plate tectonic.” At least it rhymes. Apparently he has a problem with name tags. How does he order at McDonald’s?
4. Prince, Supercalifragisexy: “Keep the blood flowing down to your feet, Brother Lois will be around in a minute, with a bucket filled with squirreled meat.” Not only does the not sound good, that lyric is anything but supercalifragisexy. Raise your hands, who here wants to be presented with a bucket of squirreled meat? I didn’t think so.
3. Deep Purple, Highway Star: “She’s got everything – like a moving mouth, body control and everything.” They nailed it. Those are exactly the qualities I find attractive in a woman. My standards are not very high.
2. Queen, Bicycle Race: “You say ‘black’ I say ‘white’. You say ‘bark’ I say ‘bite’. You say ‘shark’ I say ‘hey man ‘Jaws’ was never my scene!’” This is apparently a transcript from Freddie Mercury’s therapy session.
1. Red Hot Chili Peppers, Around The World: “Bonafide ride, step aside my johnson. Yes I could in the woods of Wisconsin.” That’s maybe one of the best haikus ever, but nobody sings about Wisconsin.
Those weren’t in any particular ranking order, but they are all epically bad. What are the worst song lyrics you can think of? Please add them in the comments and if there’s enough I’ll put out another list and link to the contributors. Have a great Tuesday! ~Phil
If Sgt. Pepper had been promoted, this would have been an easier list. At the end please tell me your favorite or who you would add that I missed.
10. Captain Jack Sparrow is the only captain on this list wearing eye liner.
9. Captain Underpants: See? Not all captains are pirates or in the military! If you’re not familiar, Captain Underpants is a series of graphic novels, sort of, aimed at the 8-12 year old boys demographic, much like my blog.
Worst picture I’ve ever put on #ThePhilFactor
8. Captain & Tennille: A cheesy husband/wife musical duo from the 70’s. The Captains “real” name is Daryl Dragon. He and Tennille used to wife swap with Tony Orlando and Dawn.
7. Captain Morgan: Aaaand we’re back to the pirate theme. After this famous Englihman got done plundering Puerto Rico they named a rum after him.
6. Captain America: This virtuous warrior always beats Captain England in a fight.
5. Captain Hook: That hook for a hand had to crimp his style with the ladies, but on the bright side he always had a corkscrew with him.
4. Captain and Coke: If you sneak a flask of rum into the movies in your purse or under your coat, you can buy a large coke at concessions and you’re good to go for the next two hours. It makes any movie funnier.
3. Captain Kangaroo was the main character on a terrible children’s show when I was a kid. Ironically, the show never featured an actual kangaroo, so I’m not sure who he was Captain over.
2.Captain Kirk: He was a bad ass before the phrase bad ass was invented.
1. Cap’n Crunch: I’d never disrespect the inventor of crunchberries by calling him “Captain” instead of Cap’n. Pretty sure he’d shiv me with a sharpened spoon and then use it to eat his breakfast over my cold, dead body. How’s that for a bad ass Captain?
Those are the ten best captains I could think of. Did I miss any of your favorites?
I know I look squeaky clean and about as cool as most sit-com dads, but I do like tattoos. I have a few myself and so do others in my family. When choosing a tattoo, my philosophy is that you should choose wisely because you are, for the most part, stuck with that on your body forever more. Some people aren’t so picky though. Based on seeing others, these are my top ten worst possible tattoo choices. In the comments, tell me what your ideas are.
10. A corporate logo: I like a lot of products, but not so much I’d tattoo them on me. I’ve heard of people being paid to have a logo tattooed on them. No thanks. What if in ten years you find out that company has been poisoning people or making hamburgers out of puppies?
9. Someone’s name: Through a job I once had, I knew a couple that had each others names tattooed on their necks, so of course they broke up. Maybe your name and home address with the phrase “If found, return to:” just in case you pass out somewhere.
8. Face tattoo: The news came out yesterday that Justin Bieber got a face tattoo. Of course he did. He’s a moron. His is just a tiny cross beneath his eye, but others have certainly done much worse on their faces.
7. The permanent makeup: Sounds like a great idea right? Never have to put eyeliner or lipstick on again! I don’t get it. I think 99% of women look better without makeup.
6. A band name: Unless it’s The Beatles, can anyone think of any band right now that we’ll still consider brilliant 40 years from now? Who’s got that One Direction tattoo? Anyone?
5. A cartoon character: I like SpongeBob as much as the next guy, but I’m pretty sure that when I’m 80 I’m not going to be into Scooby Doo, or SpongeBob, or Batman as much as I was when I was young. Also, when I’m 80 my grandchildren will wonder who all those weird characters on me are.
4. The bar code: The first time I heard of some one getting a bar code tattooed on the back of their neck I thought it was hilarious. Outside of that first dude, the rest of the people that did it are stupid and unoriginal.
3. A ghost shaped like a penis: The last time I got a tattoo, I asked the artist what was the stupidest tattoo anyone had ever requested from her. Yes, a ghost shaped like a penis. She showed me a picture.
2. The WordPress logo: I’m pretty sure that even if I got a WordPress tattoo and posted a picture of it on my blog every day for a year, I’d still never get Freshly Pressed. Jerks. If they did offer to Freshly Press a post of my choice from my blog if I get a WordPress tattoo…yes, I’d do it.
1. The neck tattoo: Not only do I imagine that the neck would be a painful place to get a tattoo, but unless you’re willing to wear a turtleneck, that neck tattoo will be the first thing anyone notices about you. That’s why Steve Jobs always wore a turtleneck. He was hiding an Apple tattoo he had gotten when he was drunk. It’s possible I just made that up.
So those are my ideas for the top ten worst possible types of tattoos. What are yours? Do you have tattoos? Do you like tattoos? Do you hate tattoos? Is there one you’re dying to get? Do you have one you regret?
Self-proclaimed grand poobah of leisure and author of humorous suspense novels The Sneaker Tree & White Picket Prisons, the humor essay book Fifty Shades of Phil and the long running blog The Phil Factor.