A lot of people say “Twitter? I don’t get it.” Sometimes even Presidents don’t get it even WHEN they THINK they DO. If you’re a President, or just someone who wants to understand Twitter better, follow these ten funny people”
TOP 10 HALLS:
10. City Hall 9. Arsenio Hall 8. Rebecca Hall 7. Hall & Oates 6. Carnegie Hall 5. Anthony Michael Hall 4. In the Hall of the Mountain King 3. The “Hall Pass” 2. Hall of Justice 1. Hall ‘O Ween
– magnetic calves – ability to predict milk expiration dates – super ability to get bartenders’ attention – always have change of a $50 bill – telekinesis, but can only move senior citizens – can always moonwalk due North – smell like cinnamon
Your new password must include: a letter, a number, the coordinates for where you lost your virginity, two pieces of garlic bread, the name of your first uncle’s third dog, a color ending in r, your mom’s banana bread recipe and a self-addressed stamped envelope.
Usually one hit wonder songs seem like the greatest musical discovery in our lives for a few months and then they fade away, only to later embarrass us when someone discovers them in our music collection and mocks us. Here are 10 of my favorite one hit wonder songs. What are some of yours? I’d love to hear them in the comments.
10. Your Love by The Outfield. This was an 80’s classic and we all know the lyrics by heart. Oddly, one of my sons recently discovered The Outfield and loves the entire album.
9. Good Vibrations, Marky Mark and The Fun Bunch, 1991 No video here because I’m sure you all know this one. I wonder if The Fun Bunch is having as much fun now that Marky Mark has moved on to bigger and better things.
8. Somebody That I Used to Know, Gotye, 2011
7. Who Let The Dogs Out? Baha Men, 2000 This song is a particular favorite of mine because of something that happened in a courtroom, one of the greatest moments in legal history, when I was on a jury in 2015. Here is what happened:
This is an actual exchange I witnessed in the courtroom between a cross examining defense attorney and a sworn under oath witness:
Attorney: So, you let the dogs out?
When I heard that, I couldn’t help but smirk and I looked around at my fellow jurors and no one else seemed to have gotten the joke. I’ve never been more disappointed in a group of human beings in my life.
6. Stacy’s Mom, Fountains of Wayne, 2003 I find it impossible not to sing along. If you want to hear the song, don’t be afraid. The video is appropriate.
5. 1985, Bowling For Soup, 2004 Truth be told, I think I may have all this bands songs in my collection and they’re all hilarious. This one is the catchy and funny story of a suburban soccer mom who despises her minivan and wishes she were back in 1985 so that she might have a chance to “shake her ass on the hood of Whitesnake’s car.” Look it up and add it to your collection. You’ll thank me.
4. Jump Around, House of Pain, 1992 I first heard this song in a Pringles commercial in the 90’s. Here it is:
3. Breakfast at Tiffany’s, Deep Blue Something, 1996. I owned the cassette tape of this one long after I should have been buying cassettes.
2. Common People, William Shatner and Pulp, 2004. Pulp originally released this song on their own in 1995. When they re-released with Captain Kirk chipping in, it took them to new heights. If you don’t know it, give it a listen:
Gangam Style, Psy 2012. One of the weirdest most popular songs ever. The crazy video still cracks me up.
There is the Top Ten of one hit wonder songs that are actually in my music collection. So tell me in the comments, what are your embarrassing, dirty little secret one hit wonders that you sing aloud when you’re alone in your car?
You know I’m a fan of Twitter and one of my favorite places to hang out is funny Twitter. Funny Twitter you ask? Yes, Funny Twitter. Twitter can be whatever you want and you can find groups of people from all over the world that share your interests. If you have an interest in hand painting the shells of left handed turtles, there’s a Twitter for that. It’s called Hand Painting Left Handed Turtle Shells Twitter! Duh! There’s Democrat Twitter, Republican Twitter, Canadian Twitter and British Twitter. If you belong to a group, there’s a Twitter for you. But my favorite Twitter is the one that commences at 5 p.m. U.S. EST on Friday. It’s Weekend Twitter! There are no holds barred. I will spare you some of the more.. ahem.. interesting tweets from Weekend Twitter. Here are some of my favorite recent tweets:
I just poured half a bottle of Chardonnay into an empty venti sized Starbucks cup, so yeah I’m definitely all about recycling and saving the planet.
Admittedly, this is a re-run. But it’s an appropriate one because I’m in a hotel all week this week for work. And, c’mon, seriously, who doesn’t want to live in a hotel? Am I right?
10. No lawn to mow: At hotels I won’t have any yardwork and yet the hedges will always be impeccably trimmed and sometimes in the whimsical shapes of animals. Or should it be the shapes of whimsical animals? Are animals capable of whimsy? I’m not even sure I am.
9. Housekeeping! Who doesn’t want their room cleaned every day? I imagine though that I’d develop an unhealthy Mom complex with my housekeeper to the point that she asks to be re-assigned to another floor.
8. The hotel bar: If I lived there it would be like Cheers and everyone would know my name and yell “Phil!” when I walk in.
7. Coffee in my room: I love just hopping out of bed, turning on the coffee maker and then hopping back in bed with my fresh cup of joe to watch the morning news.
6. The in room hotel safe: I don’t care if it’s tiny. I still feel cool as hell having a safe to lock things up with my secret code. I feel all Mission Impossible-like when I use the safe. I still can’t find a way to lower myself from the ceiling when I’m pretending to break into my own safe.
5. Fresh towels! Soft, cushy and clean every day. They make me feel like that fabric softener bear in the commercial. And btw, I’m only using them once. Re-using a towel is not going to save the planet. I saw a trash receptacle at my local supermarket that said “179 recycled milk jugs were used to create this trash can.” Are you kidding me? The time, energy and fossil fuel needed to make a giant trash can out of milk jugs probably shortened the life of this planet by a year. Don’t tell me to re-use my towels!
4. Weather: I grew up in upstate New York and I still live here. I’m sick and tired of snow. No, I don’t like the change of seasons. You know who says they like the change of seasons? People who live somewhere warm. Jackasses. Spend your whole life digging your car out of the snow six months a year and see if you like the change of seasons then. When I live in hotels I’ll never have to see snow again if I don’t want to.
3. If You’re tired of the view you can move: If it’s the view from my room or just the city the hotel is in; if I’ve seen all there is to see I can just go to another hotel somewhere else. At some point you know I’ll be in Snow White’s Castle at Disney World. That will be awkward.
2. The friendly hotel staff: They have to be nice to you whether they like you or not. It’s not that I have any problem with people not liking me, but in real, non-hotel life sometimes other people are having bad days or whatever and are not nice. Within the safe confines of a hotel everyone is friendly and there to help. Who doesn’t enjoy groveling sycophants?
1. Being driven around: If I sold my house and car and lived in hotels I’d never have to drive again. At some point in the distant future my sight and reaction time will decline to the point that it would be unsafe for me to continue driving; but you know what? I’ll still have a driver’s license and no one will stop me. When I live in hotels I’ll just call for a taxi, shuttle bus or town car if I need to go somewhere. Me living in hotels will save lives, so if you would all go buy all of my books to the point that I get that trillion dollars I need, it may even save your life. Who knows? If left to my own devices I could be driving down your street someday and you don’t really want that do you?
As always, if you enjoy #ThePhilFactor feel free to share it by hitting the Facebok or Twitter share buttons below. Also, I’d love your vote for Funniest logger in the Annual Bloggers Bash Awards. You can vote HERE !
Apparently we’ve got a Psychic Showdown! I capitalized that as if Psychic Showdown was a reality show. It’s not. Not yet anyway, but I may just have predicted it. The Psychic Showdown this week is between me and The Simpsons. My psychitude abilities are well documented here on my blog. (Click THIS if you want to read those posts. If you can find it on Google, it must be true.) The world’s most famous cartoon, The Simpsons, made news this past week when The United States curling team won the Olympic gold medal, which was predicted in the Simpsons episode from Feb. 14, 2010 titled Boy Meets Curl. That’s not all they’ve predicted! Here are the top ten Psychic Simpsons predictions which have come true:
10: USA wins curling gold! (Feb. 10, 2014)
9. Siegfried and Roy’s Tiger Attack: Season 5, Episode 10, Mr. Burn’s opened a casino at which there was a magician act featuring two German magicians. Their show ended in tragedy when they were attacked by their tiger. In 2003, ten years later, during a Siegfried and Roy show in Las Vegas, Roy was attacked on stage by a white Bengal tiger.
8. President Trump: In a 2000 episode called Bart To The Future Lisa Simpson becomes President of the United States and says to her advisers, “As you know, we’ve inherited quite a budget crunch from President Trump,”
7. Disney buying Fox: In a 1998 episode titled When You Dish Upon a Star, a sign outside of a building is shown that reads “20th Century Fox, a Division of Walt Disney Co.” In Dec. 2017, just a little over two months ago Disney announced a deal to acquire a significant share of the Fox networks assets.
6. NSA Spying Scandal: Remember back in 2013 when American defector Edward Snowden blew the whistle on the U.S. government monitoring private citizens electronic communications? (I made fun of the scandal in THIStop ten list in 2013) In a 2007 episode the Simpsons family is on the run from the government and are located because the NSA by listening in on one of their cell phone conversations. Go ahead, click the NSA link in the last sentence. I dare you.
5. The Horse Meat Scandal: In 2013 it was big news when it was discovered that some fast food restaurants used horse meat in their burgers. (To be honest, I’m happy any time they use any kind of real meat) In a 1994 episode of The Simpsons, the Springfield Elementary school was caught secretly using horse meat in their cafeteria.
4. The Simpsons seem to have predicted both The Big Bang Theory and the secret to the Universe: In a 1998 episode Homer decided to become an inventor. In the episode he was shown writing on a chalkboard with an equation that predicted the mass of the yet-to-be-discovered “God particle.” According to Dr. Simon Singh, a physicist “If you work it out, (the equation on the chalkboard) you get the mass of a Higgs boson that’s only a bit larger than the nano-mass of a Higgs boson actually is,” he told the Independent. “It’s kind of amazing as Homer makes this prediction 14 years before it was discovered.”
3. They Predicted a Nobel Prize Winner 6 years ahead!: In a 2010 episode Krusty wins a Nobel Peace Prize. In the episode, the characters had a betting pool on who would win the award. Bengt R. Holmstrom was predicted by Millhouse, who really did win the prize for Economics in 2016.
2. Clothing the David statue: In a 1990 episode a duplicate of Michelangelo’s David statue is brought to Springfield. Some Springfield citizens protested to have the nude statue covered up. In 2016 when a duplicate of the David statue was brought to St. Petersburg, Russia, citizens protested to have the naughty bits covered up.
1. The first iPod: The picture above is from a 1996 episode. The first iPod didn’t debut until 2001.
So there you have it. Trust me, there are many, many more examples of The Simpsons predicting the future. So tell me, who is your favorite psychic, The Phil Factor or Bart Simpson?
Tomorrow People Magazine will name their Sexiest Man Alive for 2017. I have high hopes, but as usual I assume that People Magazine will pander to the lowest common denominator and choose some allegedly good looking, hunky but mindless actor or musician. Here are my ten reason’s why they should choose me:
10.Because Google Says So: Go to Google Images and Google “Phil Sexiest Man Alive”. That picture above comes up first. If Google thinks it’s true, it must be.
9. Because I Have A Blog: I have a blog and I published a book. We’re not even sure if most of these pretty boys they choose can read much less write.
8. You Stare At My Picture More Than Theirs: Let’s face it, you’ve been to my blog several times a week over the past year, meaning that you’ve probably seen my little profile pic countless times. Over the past year you’ve looked at my picture far more than whoever People will choose, ergo, I am sexier.
7. I’m all natural: Unlike many previous Sexiest Man Alive winners, I’m all natural. No steroids, hair implants or hair dye. I’m 100% all-American male.
6. I’m Employed: Have you ever noticed that they always choose actors? That’s a fly by night bunch if I ever saw one. Flitting from one job to the next. I’m employed full-time every day and I have health insurance. That’s the American dream right?
5. I’m a Normal Guy: Aren’t we all tired of magazines pushing these unrealistic expectations of what is sexy on us? It’s always rail thin models with implants and “hunky” guys who have no real jobs so they work out all day with a personal trainer. How about if People chose a “real” man for Sexiest Man Alive? A normal guy who is sexy because he’s smart, funny, works hard, and provides for his family? Isn’t that what most women really want at the end of the day instead of an unattainable player?
4. I’m Smart: Now I know nobody is going to mistake me for Leonardo DaVinci, but I’m pretty sure I could crush Leonardo DiCaprio at Jeopardy! Most people think intelligence is sexy. Marilyn Monroe once said that the sexiest man alive was Albert Einstein. I’m not going to give you a lecture on physics, but I can hold up my end of a conversation. I’m willing to pit myself against any show biz pretty boy in a Jeopardy! challenge. C’mon People magazine! Set it up! Let’s make this years Sexiest Man Alive earn it by being sexy inside and out. How about me, Bill Gates, and Neil DeGrasse Tyson vs. Channing Tatum, Bradley Cooper & Ryan Reynolds in a game of Trivial Pursuit? That would be riveting television!
3. I Would Look Great On Money: Why not? Why does money have to feature old, dead Presidents? Most of them are pretty ugly any way. I propose that each Sexiest Man Alive gets to spend the following year as the face on the American one dollar bill.
2. Gray Hair is Distinguished: All you ladies always say that gray hair makes a man look “handsome” or “distinguished.” Over the past year my hair has been getting gray A.F. as the kids say. If chicks dig a guy with a little salt and pepper action going on, then I’m your man.
1. I’m Already Sexiest Blogger Alive: I was once namedSexiest Blogger Alive so doesn’t it make sense that I should take the next step and ascend to the real throne? Go ahead, click that link. I dare you.
There you have it, my annual argument why I should be named Sexiest Man Alive. If I don’t win it this year, as a consolation there is one other thing I’d like to win: The AllAuthor.com Cover of The Month Contest. Please click THIS LINKand vote for my book cover. Thank you and have a great Tuesday! ~Phil
Halloween is one of my favorite holidays. If I wasn’t a full grown adult I’d dress up and go Trick or Treating. I do have some pet peeves though about people who don’t share my love of this holiday.
10. “Fun Size” candy: There is nothing fun about a candy bar so small that it wouldn’t give a sugar rush to a hummingbird. For cripes sake! It’s once a year, you can splurge for the full size.
9. Turning Out Your Lights: Are you the house that turns out your lights and hides in a back room pretending you’re not home? We hate you and you deserve to have your house egged.
8. Making it about religion: Lighten up Francis! (If you know what movie that quote came from put your answer in the comments) The kids aren’t worshiping Satan, they’re worshiping a sugar buzz. Once someone in my neighborhood was handing out popcorn balls with religious notes attached to them. If I knew who it was I’d have called the police.
This isn’t me, but I wish it was
7. Handing out popcorn balls or apples or pencils or McDonald’s coupons. When I was a kid we were told never to take the apples because there might be a razor blade in them. Now the health food nuts are giving them out like candy.
6. Not having Halloween in your neighborhood: I hate when groups of parents decide they’ll have a neighborhood party or that the kids will trick or treat at the local shopping mall. Geez! How did these people grow up and at what age did the demon suck out their souls? Theirs are the kids who will rebel later and get arrested for egging houses or putting flaming bags of poop on someone’s front porch.
5. Not allowing re-visits: If a kid has the endurance and initiative to make a second lap around the neighborhood, more power to them! They’re getting exercise. If they have a different costume second time around I give bonus candy.
4. Adults who don’t dress up: If you don’t wear something Halloweeny to work on today or refuse to answer your door for the kids tonight then just click out of this page, close your browser and don’t ever come back.
3. Women who think men don’t respect the sexy Halloween costumes: Memo to ladies: Men hate cutesy couples costumes. Let us be Batman or an Army guy and you can be the Sexy Nurse, Sexy Zombie, Sexy Football Player, Slutty Pumpkin. (Btw, if you get the Slutty Pumpkin reference put it in the comments) Whatever. We don’t care. Just dress up and let your inner sexy self out.
2. People who don’t decorate their house: I want to start a neighborhood where over the top Halloween decorating is mandatory. If you don’t, you have to move out immediately or the rest of the neighbors will egg and toilet paper your house every day until next Halloween.
1. The fixed Oct. 31st date: When I’m elected President, or Sexiest Man Alive, whichever comes first, I’m going to pass a law mandating that Halloween will occur on the last Saturday of September regardless of the date. In September so there’s better weather for the kids to go out and on the last Saturday so we can all have parties, the kids can stay up late and we can all relax, sleep in and take down our decorations the next day.
As always if you enjoy #ThePhilFactor please share by hitting the Facebook, Twitter, or re-blog button below. Have a great Tuesday! ~Phil
Sure Amazon delivery drones seem like an awesome idea, but if it’s so great, why hasn’t it been rolled out for public consumption like another iPhone? Give up the flying car idea. Let’s face it, most of us shouldn’t be allowed to drive on the ground. Here are some other things I think someone should invent:
10. Remote house unlock: I can’t tell you how many times I get out of my car and point the car unlock remote at myhouse door expecting it to unlock it like it does my car.
9. Invisible Fencing, but for kids: The people that don’t like this idea are probably also opposed to putting kids on a leash. Without a leash my parents would have lost me. I’d get curious at a store and wander off. Without a leash I’d probably have been kidnapped. If spanking is legal so should a little electricity be. If dogs can learn it, kids will learn it twice as fast.
8. A drug to increase metabolism so nobody gets fat. Any objections?
7. A pet language translator: I think this is the big one on the list. Maybe we wear something in our ear that translates what animals are saying or they wear a voicebox on their collar that translates their noises. Chances are we’d realize that our pets are idiots, but it would still be very popular.
6. The self-driving car: I know Google is working on it. This one’s the dream isn’t it? It is for me. Just like going somewhere in a plane. I just want to put my destination in the GPS and take a nap. Somehow NASA manages to send unmanned satellites all over the galaxy but we can’t get cars that work the same way. I say we pull NASA’s funding and put it towards the self-driving car. I want to get to Pittsburgh easy, not Uranus.
5. The Home Dome: I live where it’s cold and it snows. I want a dome over my property so I never have to shovel or scrape ice off my car.
4. A mind reading device: If we could all read each others thoughts we’d all be a whole lot nicer to each other wouldn’t we?
3. Airborne charging: The same way our cell phones and satellite dishes get a signal through the air, why can’t we get an electric charge from the air? Maybe solar charging for electric devices? Sure we’ll all get brain tumors from all the signals and electricity, but what the hell?
2. A cure for cancer: I am really angry about cancer. Also, as I said in number 3, with all the satellite and wi-fi signals flying through the air, and our heads, I’m pretty sure we’re all developing brain tumors and we’re going to need a cure big time in a few years.
1. Your idea: I’m not a genius and I definitely never have all the answers. I’m sure that some time you’ve thought to yourself that you had a great idea for an invention. In the comments, what’s your big idea? What do you think should be invented?
Right now I’m wishing someone had already invented a Top Ten list idea generator. Have a great Tuesday! ~Phil
Who are we kidding? We know we all love the Amish. If there were an Amish TV channel we’d binge watch all of the shows on Netflix. Here are ten shows that would be killer in the Amish Nielsen ratings.
10. House of Cardboard: Inept Jebediah Gruber keeps building his house out of cardboard and the strong wind off the plains keeps blowing it over. Each week his clumsy friends Levi, Amos, and Paul come over to rebuild while the women-folk churn butter and gossip. Hijinks ensue.
9. Breaking Bad Wind: Miriam Fisher is lactose intolerant but ironically lives on a dairy farm. Her frequent flatulence wreaks havoc on her dating life.
8. Downtown Abbey: Young Abbey Stoltzfus has known nothing but the Amish farm life. She has heard tales of the big city from tourists who frequent the family farm stand and she yearns to see more and be more, believing that her future lies in the city that never sleeps. How will she achieve her dreams against her parents wishes?
7. CSI Lancaster: Lancaster, Pennslyvania; the epicenter of Amish culture is an attraction for tourists, but it’s also an attraction for murder. Pastor King is found with a pitchfork through his chest and his crucifix missing. Detective Jacob usually handles hog theft. Is he in over his black bearded head with this mystery?
6. Amish Idol: Best yodeler wins the right to marry the woman of their choice. It’s really only one episode, live from the Raber family barn. 20 minutes tops.
5. 16 and Pregnant: Josephine’s sixteen year old prize winning cow surprises everyone by becoming pregnant. But who is the father? Could it be the Yoder’s bull or perhaps a strange bull who got loose when the gypsy travelers passed through town?
4. The Working Dead: Jethro attempts to fake his own death to get out of building “one more frickin’ barn that we don’t need.” Will the community laugh it off or will Jethro’s lazy ways finally get him shunned?
3. A Mennonite Gladiator: The pacifist Amish are enthralled and confused by a bearded man in a sequined cape who attempts to pick fights with everyone in town.
2. Dr. Who? One Amish communities resistance to modern medical care results in an epidemic of chlamydia, foot in mouth disease, and ringworm. Will they give in and accept help or suffer until they’re extinct?
1. Game of Phones: Eli and Samuel buy cell phones from some tourists and discover the joys of sexting. As the only two Amish with cell phones, they don’t realize that it’s each others “barns” they’re raising. Hijinks and a surprisingly sensitive exploration of sexuality ensue. (Rated MA for mature content)
So what would be your suggestions for TV shows the Amish would enjoy? Also, from the results of last weeks poll it looks like there are a whole bunch of bloggers who would like to do guest posts on #ThePhilFactor. If you’re one of them e-mail me or say so in the comments and we’ll get started. Have a great Tuesday! ~Phil
Self-proclaimed grand poobah of leisure and author of humorous suspense novels The Sneaker Tree & White Picket Prisons, the humor essay book Fifty Shades of Phil and the long running blog The Phil Factor.