This weekend is it. The penultimate American holiday. The Super Bowl. There are no religious affiliations. Football is our religion, so much so that we keep trying to spread it to the rest of the world that seems hooked on playing that funny little round ball kicking game. There seems to be a debate afoot. So let’s have an objective examination of the evidence in support of both.
American Football Players are the best athletes in the world. The bigger you are, the better. In America we like everything bigger all the time. According to possibly true facts I made up, compared to the rest of the world’s football players, our football athletes have a higher mortality
rate (see, they’re best at that too!) and a lower average age of death, but when they are on the field entertaining us it is glorious. See that gut on the guy in the picture above? In a Third World country a gut like that implies wealth. Sure, in the States it implies diabetes, but man can he push some other guys around. If he fell on Wayne Rooney he would kill him!
American Football Players Hide Their Faces in helmets so that we don’t have to see any unattractive people on our televisions and if the attractive ones are grimacing, we don’t have to look at it. That must be why they wear the helmets, because apparently they’re completely ineffective at protecting the players brains. I know that’s a fact, because Will Smith said so. If you can’t trust The Fresh Prince, who can you trust? If the rest of the world’s football was any good Will Smith would have made a movie about it.
In America we like to score a lot of points: All of you people from countries in the rest of the world, imagine if your football games ended with a 14-12 score! How great would that be, right? Get rid of the goalie! He’s ruining everything!
The Rest Of The World Named Their Game Wrong: Here is the ultimate irony: In American football only one player on each team gets to touch the ball with his foot. In the rest of the worlds football only one player on each team gets to touch the ball with his hands. That obviously means that the rest of the world should change the name of their game to Handball.
So, as you can see, although the United States has less people than the rest of the world, we are still right. And Canada is on our side too. They have football just like ours. Ok, well, not just like ours, but kind of close and with poutine. The bottom line is, if Will Smith and Canada thinks we’re right, I don’t wanna be wrong.
Have a great Super Bowl weekend everybody, unless you’re watching the wrong football. ~Phil