Hey Scientists! Shut The H#LL Up!

Dear Scientists,

It’s really nice that you have inquisitive minds. Your discoveries and research really benefit man and womankind. Most of the time you guys and gals are just swell. But… there are other times when I’m not so thrilled with you science types.

You know how when you were a kid and you heard strange noises coming from your parents bedroom at night? When you asked about the noises they would tell you that they were just wrestling or having a tickle fight. Sometimes ignorance is bliss.

Sadly, you scientific types feel compelled to tell us everything you know. Sometimes, it would be nice if when you had bad news you would just lie to us like our parents did. Imagine if they had told us the truth! We’d have been horrified. Sometimes it’s best that we don’t know. Like for instance, yesterday when I read about this:

Oklahoma City, October 03, 2006. Oklahoman Photo By Steve Gooch

That is a reticulated python. I saw the headline that said “Pythons Can Kill a Human in a Minute and Swallow Them in an Hour.” Β For you scientists that study these kind of things, this is one of those times I wish you’d shut the hell up. We don’t need to know that! We don’t want to know that! We don’t need to know that these things get up to 25 feet long. Also, based on my post from a few weeks ago,Β Could There Be Snakes in YOUR Can?,Β those two pieces of information together could cause widespread panic.

Imagine people worrying about 25 foot snakes coming out of their toilet and swallowing them whole! Now because of you, we all know that’s a possibility.

Another thing you scientists can shut the hell up about is the fact that there are germs everywhere! We don’t need to know that our cell phones have more germs than toilets. We don’t need to know that the lettuce in restaurants usually has fecal matter and e coli. Enough with the studies of germs! We don’t want to know about the invisible horrors.

And meteors! This article about a new meteor came out yesterday. Unless you can figure a way to stop meteors or to steer the Earth out of the way, stop telling us when meteors are headed right at us. Just because you can science doesn’t always mean that you should.

Sometimes life is more pleasant if we get to believe that the big snakes, germs and meteors are all just having a tickle fight.

Have a great Saturday, it just might be your last! ~Phil

56 responses to “Hey Scientists! Shut The H#LL Up!

  1. Oh, I have tears rolling down my face, I’m laughing so hard! 25 foot snakes that can eat you whole? And that may be lying in wait for you in the can? Really didn’t need to know that! Some times ignorance sure is bliss! πŸ˜‰

  2. I totally agree, Phil. I don’t want to know about the dangers of killer snakes in the toilet or deadly microbes on my phone or what happened in my parents’ bedroom. Luckily in Maine the snakes would freeze to death and I rely on a tip top immune system to protect me from the ubiquitous nature of micro flora. Oops! Just dropped my donut on the floor. No problem. There is acid in my stomach and I’m not afraid to use it!

  3. Not mentioning that in a former life I was a scientist…but….25ft snake in your can? how smegging big is the U-bend. Blighter would get stuck and drown in… well no need to finish that off lol I’m all for conspiracy too; if news leaks out about, say, said meteor then what’s on the back burner they don’t want to dominate media? Them aliens most likely :). Fab post Phil. really enjoyed it πŸ™‚

  4. This made me laugh so hard. It is funny coz I am a scientist… Or rather I am a lab tech that works with scientists in research… And I have these thoughts a lot. Some things we are better off NOT knowing. Epic Saturday to you, Phil

  5. Oh my… definitely there are some things those ‘scientists’ can keep to themselves!!!

  6. Jo (Fallen Angel)

    Oh my goodness, this made me laugh! I totally agree. I really don’t want to know what’s on my lettuce on how many germs are on the seat on a train or a bus! Maybe we should boycott scientists, although would that include social scientists like psychologists as I’m training to be one and don’t want to be on your hit list?!

  7. Had to laugh out loud reading this. Why then did I check before using the facilities? You devil you.

  8. Phil, don’t be tarring all scientists with the one brush lol! My degree is microbiology πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚

  9. Amen! I’m married to a scientist. It’s not easy being constantly informed :/

  10. It’s because of those millions-of-germs-on-office-telephones articles that I walk around with hand sanitizer and Kleenex Wipes! I wish I’d never known… πŸ˜†

  11. The final line cracked me up. Ha! In defence of scientists…actually no, I can’t defend them, they are sadists πŸ˜‰

  12. angelanoelauthor

    I’m with everyone else on this one, it’s good that someone knows this stuff, but sometimes–I just don’t want to think about it. If the snake in my toilet is going to eat me, I say get on with it whilst I eat my fried Cheetos and drink my fourth beer.

  13. Hahaha, awesome, Phil! From a very NON science perspective, I get completely freaked out by some of the stuff that I hear from the world of atoms, neutrons, and test tubes! I agree; either shut the h*ll up, or give us the latest news about discovering a money tree that sheds its ‘leaves’ once a day! Then I’m in! Cher xo

  14. For scientists this is their mission
    Shattering dreams part of their job description.

  15. I agree,for the most part, with you, Phil! Bad news could be carefully doled out to us, in small pieces. Possibly add in some good news, interspersed with this. . .
    Now, I do believe in being proactive with pollution and preventing aerosol and other gases into our air. Oops, hope you still like my stopping by. πŸ˜‰

  16. HAHAHA!! I agree completely!

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  18. Losing the Plot

    ITs only a little meteorite – and it’s going to hit the scary snake. It’ll all be fine!

  19. I tend to switch off the radio/TV when I hear stories that start “Scientists conducting experiments have discovered … ” (a cure for cancer, AIDS, Alzheimer’s, the common cold, boredom, sin, Brexit ….) because I just know it will relate to some vague experiment with mice or some futuristic promise that we’ll never hear of again!

  20. My takeaway is I won’t be cleaning my toilet today. Thank you. lol

  21. 25 feet? That’s it. I’m done.

  22. Too much info Phil. I’ll be checking the toilet for Pythons going forward. Thanks.
    P.S. Hold the lettuce on my burger too. πŸ˜‰

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