Tag Archives: science humor

Scientists Making The World Worse, Again…

Posted on February 24, 2024 | 8 comments

Will dinosaurs roam the Earth again? Yes! And maybe by 2027. Apparently scientists, who have never seen the ending of a Jurassic Park movie, are hell bent on making new dinosaurs.

A company, named appropriately as Colossal (as in colossal mistake), is going to use some old woolly mammoth DNA they found lying around and they’re going to mix it with some DNA from an Asian elephant, because their DNA is a 99.6% match. Damn, you never see a score that good on Tinder, right?

The funny part of the whole thing is that the scientists are going to introduce the new woolly mammoths in arctic areas, including northern Russia, because the Siberian area was part of the woolly mammoths natural habitat when they were alive. I’m thinking that this is actually a secret C.I.A. plot to take down Russia and end the Ukraine war. Russia will have to decide if they want to fight the woolly mammoths or the Ukrainians. Take that Putin! 

The stated intent of Colossal for recreating woolly mammoths is to help the environment. Watch the video below. It’s only 1:16. It doesn’t sound real. It sounds as if it’s the beginning of another Jurassic Park movie. After the video ends you can picture a boardroom with a bunch of guys in suits shaking hands with scientists in lab coats. Then someone loudly says, “I don’t see how this could possibly go wrong!”

My question for Colossal is how in the world is adding woolly mammoths going to help the environment? They are basically elephants the size of a house. Can you imagine how much methane gas those things are going to give off when they walk around farting? And their poops are going to be as big as an eight year old child. Who’s going to be picking those up? Is there a doggy bag big enough for that? Yes, I turned a genetics discussion into a fart joke.

I’m really hoping that my theory about the C.I.A. is right. Between dinosaurs and evil A.I., I’m kind of worried about the future of mankind.

Have a great weekend and thanks for reading! ~Phil

8 Comments

Posted in Humor, Science

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Hey Scientists! Shut The H#LL Up!

Posted on April 1, 2017 | 56 comments

Dear Scientists,

It’s really nice that you have inquisitive minds. Your discoveries and research really benefit man and womankind. Most of the time you guys and gals are just swell. But… there are other times when I’m not so thrilled with you science types.

You know how when you were a kid and you heard strange noises coming from your parents bedroom at night? When you asked about the noises they would tell you that they were just wrestling or having a tickle fight. Sometimes ignorance is bliss.

Sadly, you scientific types feel compelled to tell us everything you know. Sometimes, it would be nice if when you had bad news you would just lie to us like our parents did. Imagine if they had told us the truth! We’d have been horrified. Sometimes it’s best that we don’t know. Like for instance, yesterday when I read about this:

Oklahoma City, October 03, 2006. Oklahoman Photo By Steve Gooch

That is a reticulated python. I saw the headline that said “Pythons Can Kill a Human in a Minute and Swallow Them in an Hour.”  For you scientists that study these kind of things, this is one of those times I wish you’d shut the hell up. We don’t need to know that! We don’t want to know that! We don’t need to know that these things get up to 25 feet long. Also, based on my post from a few weeks ago, Could There Be Snakes in YOUR Can?, those two pieces of information together could cause widespread panic.

Imagine people worrying about 25 foot snakes coming out of their toilet and swallowing them whole! Now because of you, we all know that’s a possibility.

Another thing you scientists can shut the hell up about is the fact that there are germs everywhere! We don’t need to know that our cell phones have more germs than toilets. We don’t need to know that the lettuce in restaurants usually has fecal matter and e coli. Enough with the studies of germs! We don’t want to know about the invisible horrors.

And meteors! This article about a new meteor came out yesterday. Unless you can figure a way to stop meteors or to steer the Earth out of the way, stop telling us when meteors are headed right at us. Just because you can science doesn’t always mean that you should.

Sometimes life is more pleasant if we get to believe that the big snakes, germs and meteors are all just having a tickle fight.

Have a great Saturday, it just might be your last! ~Phil

56 Comments

Posted in Humor

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