I Think I’m Turning Japanese, I Really Think So

I’ve got your picture, I’ve got your picture

I’d like a million of them all round my cell
I want the doctor to take your picture
So I can look at you from inside as well.
You’ve got me turning up and turning down and turning in and turning ’round. I’m turning Japanese, I think I’m turning Japanese, I really think so. ~ The Vapors, 1980

I don’t think that I’m turning Japanese, but it’s possible that #ThePhilFactor is. Earlier this week my Music Monday post featuring the band #Babymetal went a little viral through some Twitter love from Japan. I’ve never had a huge Japanese following, but I figure that since I’m publishing a new book soon I might as well try to capitalize on my newfound audience. Thinking that I want to take advantage of the tidal wave of attention from Japan is entirely different than actually successfully doing so. For instance, I just committed a Godzilla sized faux pas in the last sentence by using the phrase ‘tidal wave’ in reference to Japan. They seem a little nervous when that phrase comes up.

In an effort to get up to speed with my new Japanese blog visitors I’m going to review everything I know about Japan in the hope that if I’m mistaken about any facts you’ll help straighten me out.

Things I Know About Japan: 

A girl heavy metal band named Babymetal is more popular than The Phil Factor: I’m sure you’re as surprised by this as I am. Seriously? Are you kidding me? I’m The Frickin Phil Factor! My blog is older than those snot nosed little punks. Quick survey: Who thinks I should rename my blog The Frickin Phil Factor?

Japan is an island nation: Of this I am fairly sure.

Godzilla (or Gojira for my Japanese friends) is the official mascot of Japan. Of this I am also fairly sure. In fact, most people mistakenly believe that in all those old Godzilla movies the giant lizard was attacking Tokyo. He was in fact attempting to protect it from Rhododendron, that flying three headed thing.

Slurping Loudly is considered polite: It is a way to show your host or hostess that you really like the meal.

Cuddle Cafe! In Japan there are Cuddle Cafes where you can pay money just to snuggle with a stranger that works there. I don’t see how that could possibly cause any problems.

Adult Men Get Adopted: 98% of adoptions in Japan are men between 20 and 30. The reason? If the owner of a business doesn’t have a son to keep the family name alive, an heir is adopted into the family. I may move to Japan just hoping to get adopted by the owner of Sony.

The Japanese Penis Festival: The Kanamara Matsuri is centered on a local penis-venerating shrine. The legend being that a jealous sharp-toothed demon hid inside the vagina of a young woman the demon fell in love with and bit off penises of two young men on their wedding nights. After that the woman sought help from a blacksmith, who fashioned an iron phallus to break the demon’s teeth, which led to the enshrinement of the item. (Description from Wikipedia) Aww…what a sweet story!

Mr. Miyagi from the Karate Kid movies is now the President. (By the way, next year Ralph Macchio and the guy that played his nemesis will reprise their roles as 50 year old dudes still holding a grudge in a YoutubeRed series)

Based on my extensive research, those are all the facts you need to know about Japan. In order to welcome my new friends to my blog and to improve U.S.-Japan relations I would like to translate a few useful phrases for them:

Half of us didn’t vote for Donald Trump: 私たちの半分はドナルドトランプに投票しなかった

The Frickin Phil Factor: フリッキンフィルファクター

Hello my Japanese friends! こんにちは私の日本の友達!

Real sexting conversation to read in Japanese: 日本語で読めるリアルなセックス会話  (this one is a throwback to another of my posts which has brought thousands of Hindi speaking people to my blog over the last two years)

Babymetal Loves ThePhilFactor.com : ベビーメタルはThePhilFactor.comを大好き

Yes world, you are welcome. The Frickin Phil Factor is once again bringing people together. Have a great Saturday! ~Phil フィル

27 responses to “I Think I’m Turning Japanese, I Really Think So

  1. I have a cousin that lives in Japan and teaches people to be ninjas. For real. You can add that to your list. LOL!

  2. Adopting adult males! penis festivals! cuddle cafes! And to think I won’t remember any of this because of the ear worm you’ve inspired. “Turning Japanese, I think I’m turning Japanese.” That’ll take days to shift!

  3. And now I’ll probably have that song stuck in my head for the rest of the day…!

  4. Ok, I know very little about Japan, but coincidentally, this is the second day in a row that I have heard of this penis festival! And it made the immature little girl that I am giggle both times. Also, aren’t there cat cafes, too? Or did I make that up/ dream it?

  5. Lol there is more than one penis festival! The one I mentioned yesterday is a different version Becca! They are all still a brilliant events to visit!

    @Phil, good work with the Japanese. 🙂 I spotted a typo, would you like to know, or should I leave it?

    • You know Japanese? I am so impressed! I just used Google translate, so I probably wouldn’t worry about the typo.

      • Yep, it’s a fun language to learn. I lived there for several years, attending things like the penis festivals. 😀

        Google translate is getting pretty good now. It used to be terrible!

  6. This is hilarious! I want to check some of these things out too!!!

  7. Just found your blog—I studied Japanese martial arts for years, so this post helped bring back all the weirdness 😀

    • Hi Laura! Nice to meet you! Did you study martial arts in Japan? They certainly seem like a weird society to me, but then again I’m sure we seem pretty weird to them.

  8. I’m glad that Phil Factor, the Japanese adore
    Do you know what ‘turning Japanese’ is a euphemism for?
    And while you are out with your Japanese fans
    Do you know that Gojira is a metal band?

  9. Earworm alert!
    I would love to visit Japan. They have the best noodles, and manga designs on EVERYTHING. Instant joy for me really. I’ll have to go and check out your Babymetal post now! 😊

  10. LOLing at the Cuddle Cafe idea. Also that Penis Festival sounds delightful!

  11. It’s so cool the Japanese love your Music Monday post…but how do you know? LOL! I can’t read their writing can you?

    • They keep showing up at my blog and from my stats I followed back too referring website that was all in Japanese except for the words The Phil Factor. It was really funny to see

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