I read a news report of a (American football) Philadelphia Eagles fan who sadly passed away too young last week. People passing away everyday isn’t usually newsworthy outside of their friends and family. This one was however because he wrote his own obituary in which he requested “8 Philadelphia Eagles as pall bearers so they can let me down one last time.” I don’t know whether the team obliged and sent the pall bearers, but good on the guy for trying.
Death. I hate it and will do anything to avoid it. Seems pretty obvious, right? Yes and no. There are people that go around spouting nonsense like, “Well, we all have our time,” or “Enjoy the time you have. You never know when it’s going to be up!” I’m not one of those people, and I’m tempted to punch those people in the mouth, perhaps hastening their death. Trust me, the fewer of those death optimists, the better. I just coined a phrase, “death optimists.” Feel free to use it liberally in conversation over the next few years until it becomes embedded in the English language. If you speak a different language, such as Hindi, feel free to use it too. Everybody else, just piss off. Except for Norway. Norway, you definitely seem like a country full of death optimists.
When I’m elected President, or Sexiest Man Alive, whichever comes first, I’m going to pass a law mandating that the wall between the United States and Mexico be taken down, and that funerals should be fun. Funeral has fun right in the word! If you rearrange all the letters, you get “real fun.” C’mon, our ancestors that invented the word funeral obvious meant for us to enjoy ourselves at these things! Also, I’m going to pass a law stating that at the age of 21, everyone has to make their funeral plans. Why 21? Well, aren’t the choices you make about anything in life more fun at 21 than at 41? If people plan their funerals when they’re old and boring, their funerals will be old and boring.
A Celebration of Life! Yeah, this cockamamie phrase gets tossed out there at every funeral and I’ve never seen one that achieves it. If you want to celebrate someones life, do it the way they would have. Pick their happiest, partyingest moment and recreate that. Play the music from their wedding reception and everybody get drunk and form a conga line! That’s what I want, my drunk friends in a conga line going by my open casket while Love Shack by the B-52’s plays. I got me a casket as big as a whale and it’s about to set sail!
Wouldn’t it be poetic justice if I did pass away and because I wrote this, it actually comes to pass? I definitely don’t want to die anytime soon, or ever really. But if I do, I want my ten closest friends or family to read their favorite Phil Factor post aloud at my funeral. You just read that, so it might be you. Here’s what I want from you, my readers; in the comments write what fun way you’d like to pep up your funeral!
Have a great Saturday! ~Phil
P.S. My new humorous suspense novel hits the Amazon Kindle bookstore on Friday Sept. 1st!