Tag Archives: #Phil2020

Throwback Thursday! Distraction Action

(03/24/12) Distraction Action is a lot like Conjunction Junction. Who remembers that? Sing it with me! “Conjunction Junction, what’s your function?”  There you go, now it’s in your head for the day. When I’m elected President, or Sexiest Man Alive, whichever comes first, I’m going to pass a law against eating or smoking while driving. Yes, I know this is going to make some people mad. I have friends who smoke. I even have friends who eat.  I’m not opposed to smoking or eating if both are done in moderation.  I am opposed to unfair laws.

Over the past several years we’ve seen many laws passed to decrease distracted driving. Isn’t putting a stick in your mouth and lighting it on fire at least slightly distracting while driving? About 25 years ago my friend Bob went through a phase where whenever we got together and went out to a bar and played pool he would leave the room and return moments later with a pack of cigarettes. We weren’t smokers, or pool players for that matter, but we would smoke just one or two while we drank beer and played pool. I have no idea how smokers do it. Maybe I was bad at smoking or pool, probably both, but half of the time I couldn’t see what shot I was trying to make because of the smoke in my eyes.  If I can’t hold my cell phone next to my ear while my eyes are fully fixed on the road I don’t see why smokers are allowed to drive while smoke drifts into their eyes. Yes, I know all you smokers will hate this law because you’re running out of places you can legally smoke in public, but hey, guess what? Yeah, it’s your car, but the roadways are public and like I said, I’m not opposed to smoking, I’m opposed to you running into me because you accidentally lit your mustache on fire because you had to get in just one more cig before work.

Like I said, it’s not just smokers who are going to dislike my legislation. It’s eaters too. I’m an eater. The first step is admitting. My name is Phil and I eat and drive. I shouldn’t eat and drive. It’s distracting. It is virtually impossible to get the nugget in the little cup of dipping sauce unless you look down. And cutting your steak is almost impossible while driving. Once I actually saw someone eating corn on the cob while driving. At 8 a.m.! I’m not sure which I’m more appalled by. What’s even worse is that if I hit a rough patch of road my chocolate fountain keeps tipping over, which I find very distracting.

Although my proposed legislation is likely to be somewhat controversial, I’m confident that when I’m elected President, or Sexiest Man Alive, whichever comes first, my overwhelming popularity will make it an easy sell. #PHIL2020

Have a great Thursday! ~Phil

Daylight Stupid Time!

This is my bi-annual reminder that tomorrow night in the United States we move our clocks forward by an hour and my reminder to you that it’s stupid. I’ve been posting this every Fall and Spring since 2006 and will continue to do so until we do away with Daylight Savings Time.

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When I’m elected President, or Sexiest Man Alive, whichever comes first, I’m going to pass a law getting rid of Daylight Savings Time. I don’t know if all other countries do this. I do know that not all the U.S. states abide by it. Daylight Savings Time was created about 120 years ago to give farmers more daylight in which to do their work in the fields. Call me crazy, but why the hell didn’t someone just suggest that the lazy ass farmers drag themselves out of a bed a little earlier each day? Because those cud chewing, overall wearing, udder jerking lay-abouts can’t be bothered to set their alarm clocks we’re all stuck changing time?

I don’t know if anyone else noticed, but about 8 or 9 years ago the U.S. Congress, in another colossal waste of their time and our tax dollars, extended daylight savings time by a few weeks on either end.

First off, why isn’t it called daylight spending time since we are using more daylight in the summer months? Secondly, at this point the farmers (except the creepy Amish ones) all have electricity and alarm clocks, which may not have been the case 120 years ago. I can get away with saying that about the Amish because my demographic data shows that for some reason I have very low readership among the Amish. I guess they just don’t get me.

Reportedly the reason Congress did this is to save energy. How will changing our clocks twice a year save energy? Don’t we set our thermostats and use heat based on the outdoor temperature, not how light out it is? I’d like to save the energy I expend changing my clocks! I’d like Congress to tell me when I get that back. Congress has again proven to be the biggest collection of morons outside of…well…I guess I can’t think of a bigger collection. Why doesn’t Congress set their alarm clocks an hour earlier so they can get up early and get more of this important work done?

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B.T. dubs, if we set our clocks ahead an hour now but we turn them back in the Spring, over the course of a year what difference does it make? If we learned anthying from Marty McFly it was that we shouldn’t muck about with time. Also, according to statistics,  the day after we change our clocks there are more workplace injuries, car accidents, and for the day, a 10% rise in heart attacks.

I for one am not going to go for this stupid daylight savings time thing anymore. I don’t work at a farm or for Congress, so I told my boss that for 6 months I’ll be to work an hour early or late, however it works out. When I’m elected President, or Sexiest Man Alive, whichever comes first, this is going to change

If you’d like to support my bid for President or Sexiest Man Alive, please hit the Facebook, Twitter or re-blog share button below, but hurry because you have an hour less to do it in this weekend. Or is it an hour more? Have a great weekend! ~Phil

#PHIL2020

My Solution To The Gun Crisis in America

His eyes are closed! He definitely shouldn’t have a gun. Photo from benchmarkreporter.com

There are two sides to every argument and this one is no different. Earlier this week Donald Trump proposed that instead of more restrictions on guns in the United States we just need more guns in the United States. In fact, he wants teachers in schools to be loaded for bear just in case a school shooter steps on the premises. More people with guns and bullets flying in multiple directions? (Warning: Read the next sentence with extreme sarcasm) I don’t see how that could go wrong!

Being a reasonable and rational man, (I can see you rolling your eyes right now. Stop that!) I decided to delve into this argument and look at it from both sides. The concern of many is the type of guns available to just about anybody. In some states, if you’ve got a pulse and a United States birth certificate, you can get an automatic weapon with nobody even blinking an eye. For some, it’s the type of gun that people can get their hands on that’s the problem. I couldn’t agree more. Automatic weapons are tools of war and have no place in the hands and homes of civilians.

Think about comparing guns to cars. Anybody and everybody can get a license to drive a car, but not just anybody can drive a military tank. I’m not saying all guns should be eliminated, just the types that are dangerous in the hands of the wrong people. Just like cars, I can drive one, but I probably shouldn’t be able to go to my local department store and buy a military tank. I’d be pretty dangerous with that. I say let everyone have access to guns, but only certain kinds. What kinds you ask? Here’s where I get creative!

Lets take the dangerous guns out of the hands of the public. Which ones though? My suggestions is to take away the ones with bullets. Guns don’t kill people. Bullets kill people. It’s pretty rare that an empty gun has ever killed anyone, despite all the pistol whipping you see in crime shows. But, criminals will be criminals, so we can’t just take away the bullets. They’d find a way to get them illegally. So we have to take away all the bullets and the dangerous guns.

I’m sure you’re saying to yourself, “But Phil, what guns aren’t dangerous?” First, I like that you said “But Phil” when thinking to yourself. Secondly there are only three types of guns the public should be allowed to have: Nerf, water, and Potato.  I’m sure most of you are familiar with the first two. If you’re not familiar with Potato guns, here’s the description from Wikipedia:  A potato cannon is a pipe-based cannon which uses air pressure (pneumatic), or combustion of a flammable gas (aerosol, propane, etc.), to launch projectiles at high speeds. They are built to fire chunks of potato. When I was a kid we fired tennis balls out of them instead of potatoes. Sure, if the gas or propane backfires, you’ve got a big problem, but in that case only the shooter gets hurt. Now if someone decided to shoot tater tots, that would be an epically good use of a Spud gun as long as someone else had a ketchup gun.

Yes, when I’m elected President, or Sexiest Man Alive, whichever comes first,  I’m removing all bullet firing weapons from the public domain with the exception of law enforcement and the military. Don’t give me the protecting your own home or hunting argument. More guns in homes accidentally kill people in the home than they do criminals. Get yourself an alarm system and a baseball bat. Hunting? Really? Is there anyone in the United States that needs to hunt to survive? Bueller? Bueller? Yeah, I didn’t think so. If you really like shooting or want a gun in your home, get a Nerf gun or a potato gun. Like Ralphie’s mother worried, you might shoot your eye out, but nobody’s getting killed. Trust me, we don’t need guns. We’re idiots. The fact that the Kardashians are still on TV proves that. #PHIL2020

Have a great Saturday! ~Phil

Three Things in The World That Need Fixing

And I’m the guy to fix them. As I always say, when I’m elected President, or Sexiest Man Alive, whichever comes first, I will fix these three things.

1. What kind of Zone is Worse Than the Friend Zone? Time zones, that’s what’s worse. Last week I traveled for work and I was three time zones away from home. It was stupid. If I wanted to call or text someone back home I had to do math. “Well, I can’t call now because even though it’s a reasonable time here, they’ve already gone to bed.” What time should I call you? 8:00? Yes. Your time or my time? And then, when I woke up in the morning in Pacific time, half the friggin’ day was already done on the East coast. Here’s my solution: When I’m elected President, (#PHIL2020) I will abolish time zones.  Boom. Mic drop. It will be a 24 hour clock and it will the same time everywhere, ALL THE TIME. What time do you want me to call? 4:00? Boom. Done. The whole world. Yes, I’m going to be President of the whole world.

This is how healthy McDonald’s will seem

2. Not So Happy Meals: McDonald’s is making cheeseburgers available in Happy Meals only by request and reducing the size of fries that come with McNuggets. AND they’re reducing the amount of sugar in their chocolate milk. Are you kidding me? Hello McFlyDonalds! We already have almond milk! Why do we need reduced sugar chocolate milk?!!? We know how to drink water and when we walk into McDonald’s we are choosing not to drink water. If we wanted to eat healthy; if we wanted our kids to eat healthy, we wouldn’t have walked into McDonald’s in the first place.  Nobody goes to McDonald’s looking for broccoli. Stay in your lane. Do what you’re good at. As President I will invoke eminent domain and block this idiotic move.

3. Guns: I’m sick and tired of senseless violence and people blaming shootings on “mental health issues.” Guess what? We can’t get rid of mental health issues, but we can get rid of guns. As President and Sexiest Man Alive, (Yes I plan to hold both titles simultaneously. Also, as a psychic, I predict that upon reading this, People Magazine will choose to name Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau 2018’s Sexiest Man Alive in November.) Back to me. As President I will mandate that all automatic weapons and handguns be removed from the public domain. If you’re a “hunter” and you need an automatic weapon, then you’re a moron and shouldn’t be allowed to have any guns. People can still hunt deer with a normal one-shot-at-a-time shotgun, but outside of that, only law enforcement and active military can have any kind of guns. Yes, it will be a hard, long battle to get rid of guns, but it needs to be done. #ParklandStrong

Sorry that I got a little heavy there at the end, but something needs to change. Something that transcends political lines. Something that has only the best interest of people at heart. If I can pull this off, would it be so bad if I also made McDonald’s serve bad food and put the entire world on the same time? Feel free to share by one of the social media buttons below.

Have a great Saturday! #PHIL2020

Fifty Shades of…

I am absolutely outraged! Just because I’m a small time author, some big movie company thinks they can steal my title, change a word and pretend it’s their idea. My Fifty Shades of Phil book came out in June 2013, before all the Fifty Shades movies, so obviously I had the idea first. I’m considering legal action.

Because of this weeks movie opening of Fifty Shades Freed I thought I’d capitalize on all the people searching the web for info using the phrase #FiftyShades by putting my book on sale Many people may visit my site here from their smartphones and never see the link in the sidebar for my book Fifty Shades of Phil. I could tell you about the book that contains the best 50 humor essays from the first 8 years of #ThePhilFactor, but I won’t. I’ll let the reviewers do it for me:

Hilariously Funny! ~Narly Nuts Book Lovers: Phil takes us on a HILARIOUS ride of HUMOR and TRUTH! He says all the things we know to be true, but most of us likely don’t say out loud. We think it and know how we feel about the different topics. Yes, some of it is ego-centric and down right blunt, but what fun would it be if Phil wasn’t putting his spin on it.
All in all, this is a book I will recommend for laughs, wit and Phil’s oh so subtle charm. When Phil is elected President, or Sexiest Man Alive, I WILL VOTE PHIL, whichever comes first.:)

Author Sean Smithson (How to Lose a Girl in 10 Ways): “Perfect read for any commute. …snappy and entertaining reading. Perfect for a very recent and uncomfortable long haul flight. Definitely do not regret picking this up.”

Now for contrast, here is an excerpt of a review of Fifty Shades Darker from USA Today: There are a lot of negative things to be said about Fifty Shades. But it does impress in one sense: The erotica lite sequel somehow manages to be worse than the stupefyingly bad Fifty Shades of Grey.”

To celebrate the movie #FiftyShadesFreed this week, I’ve put my book on sale for just $2.99 for Kindle, Nook, or in the iTunes bookstore.  I’m not sure what it is in Euro’s or GBP but you can still find it in the Amazon bookstore in every country in the world and they’ll tell you how much it is.  What? You don’t have a Kindle or Nook? You don’t need one! You can download the free Kindle or Nook app to your iPad or smartphone and then download Fifty Shades of Phil. For $2.99 you can’t go wrong. If you can read the entire thing without laughing I’ll refund your money. If you go to Fifty Shades Freed and you hate it, I doubt they’ll give you the same offer.

Have a great Friday! ~Phil

#PHIL2020

The Casino Walking Dead

For work I had to spend the last week in a hotel with a casino. It was a very nice hotel. About 3/4 of the bottom floor was a casino. That is an interesting scene. And when I say interesting, I mean it in the way a doctor would say, “Interesting…” when he looks at the lab result and sees that you have a bizarre and almost unheard of disease.

There seem to be two crowds at the casino: There’s Ma and Pa Kettle from middle America who are built like they eat nothing but dairy products and carbohydrates. They’re always squeezed in a sausage like fashion into the jersey of their favorite sports team.

The second group is the opposite of Ma and Pa Kettle. This group LOVES to go out to the casino for the night. The guys are decked out in $100 jeans with pointy leather shoes, a shirt that looks bedazzled but isn’t, and an invisible cloud of body spray surrounding them.

The women that hang on their arms probably have to hang on their arms because they’re feeling faint from the body spray aroma. I think these women are trying to attract men the same way fisherman attract fish. They wear tiny shiny cocktail dresses that are the equivalent a flashy metallic fishing lure.  It seems to work.  Of course the women catch men, the tiny dresses literally prevent them from doing anything but walking forward with very tiny little steps. God forbid they drop something and have to bend over to pick it up. We’d all have a view their gynecologist would envy.

To be fair, up until about 11:00 pm the casino crowd looks fun. Everything is glitzy and there’s music and happy cheering at the Craps tables. After 11:00 pm once this crowd has either lost or won and is in an alcohol fueled amplified emotional state things get ugly. Gamblers who’ve lost are drowning their sorrows and those who won are celebrating by giving their winnings back buying drinks. The cocktail dresses who caught their man hitting on a different cocktail dress are on the couch in the corner looking like mascara raccoons.

Ma and Pa Kettle are still there, not having left the same slot machine they sat down at after clearing the entire buffet upstairs. Playing the slots is something I just don’t get. Now in the 21st century the slots are not one armed bandits, but computers. So you put your money in and a computer that’s owned by the casino will let you know if you win. Hmm..I wonder whose best interest they have at heart?

After 11:00 still isn’t the worst. Oh no, it gets worse. Far worse. I’m an early riser. I get up around 5:00 a.m. I start my day with a cup of coffee. In a hotel with a casino, they don’t put a coffee maker in your room because they want you out of your room spending money. So, I had to go down to the coffee shop in the casino. Remember the glitzy people at 11:00 pm? They’re still there and they’ve turned into the walking dead. Still smoking, drinking and gambling. Their eyes that were once as shiny as their cocktail dresses now look sunken and hollow. The men are glassy eyed but still putting away drinks. Now the body spray aura around them is replaced by the smell of smoke, sweat and desperation. They’re the walking dead but they just don’t know it yet. Behind the shiny cocktail dresses and Ed Hardy t-shirts, their tiny hearts are still beating slowly but their mind has left the building.

Sorry there’s not more pictures. I did this from my phone while traveling! I’ve had so many flight delays that I’m not sure I’ll ever get home. ~Phil

Throwback Thursday! The Official Blog of The Super Bowl

(Jan. 31, 2015) I’m not saying that The Phil Factor is The Official Blog of The #SuperBowl, and I’m not saying it’s not. What I am saying is that I want to get a cease and desist letter from the National Football League’s lawyers.

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For those of you not from the States, or from the U.S. but you just don’t care, this weekend is the championship game of the National Football League, otherwise known as the #SuperBowl. I’m hashtagging those words, linking to their site, and making a point of using the phrase ‘Super Bowl’ because the NFL (No Phil League) literally tries to sue anyone who uses the phrase “Super Bowl” without paying them millions of dollars to do so. (I’m putting the words Super Bowl in bold print on the off chance that they’ll be more noticeable when someone from the NFL is looking at the internet.) Some networks even prohibit their announcers from saying Super Bowl out of fear of being sued by the NFL. Comedian Steven Colbert has taken to calling it the Superb Owl.

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I call bullshit. I don’t care who you are or what entity you’ve created, no one gets to own words. When I’m elected President, or #SuperBowl MVP (Most Valuable Phil), whichever comes first, I’m going to pass a law stating “No people or corporations can own words.” It’s a stupid idea that someone can own the right to the words #SuperBowl. I’m pretty sure that the words super and bowl were around long before American football. In fact, on Downton Abbey last week Mr. Carson was bringing soup to the Earl and Countess in this big, ornate dish and the Earl said, “Why Mr. Carson! That is the most super bowl I have ever laid my eyes upon!” Downton Abbey happened a hundred years ago, so there’s your proof that someone else used the phrase first.

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What if I really do own a super bowl? You know, one of those cool ones with a picture at the bottom that you can’t see until you’ve eaten every drop. That is truly a super bowl. Or what about the people who invented the Perfect Bacon Bowl? That has got to be the superest of bowls. If there were a vote I’m pretty sure that the Bacon Bowl beats out football as the best kind of bowl. I’m also pretty sure that the Bacon Bowl people aren’t going to sue me for mentioning their product. In fact, they might even send me a free Bacon Bowl maker for mentioning it (hint, hint). Click on the video below. The song is a hilariously awesome and may sound more than a little like Queen’s Bohemian Rhapsody.

I’m also sure that the folks in the legal marijuana states of Washington and Colorado  think their bowls are pretty Super too. Is the NFL going to sue anyone there who says to their smoking buddy “Man, this is one super bowl“?

I’m not afraid to say any word I want. And by the way National Football League, what in the hell makes you so arrogant to think that you have to police the world to make sure no one uses your phrase? I would like to hereby announce that I am legally forbidding anyone from referring to themselves as the official anything of #ThePhilFactor unless I declare it. There you go National Football League. I dare you to declare your #SuperBowl is The Official Super Bowl of The Phil Factor. You know what though? I’m not going to sue you if you do. They’re only words. If you think my blog is so awesome that you want to affiliate yourself with it, great, but it’s going to cost you. In fact, nevermind. The title is already taken. I’m officially declaring that the Perfect Bacon Bowl is The Official Super Bowl of The Phil Factor. And if the Perfect Bacon Bowl people wanted to buy advertising space in my sidebar I’m not opposed to that.

As always, if you enjoy #ThePhilFactor, which is the #SuperBowl of blogs, please share by hitting the Facebook, Twitter, or re-blog button below. Have a great #SuperBowl weekend! ~Phil