Tag Archives: #Phil2020

Top Ten Tuesday! Ten Funny Tweets!

A lot of people say “Twitter? I don’t get it.” Sometimes even Presidents don’t get it even WHEN they THINK they DO. If you’re a President, or just someone who wants to understand Twitter better, follow these ten funny people”

Have a great Tuesday! ~Phil

Daylight Stupid Time

This is my bi-annual reminder that this weekend in the U.S. we move our clocks back by an hour and my reminder that it’s stupid. I’ve been posting this every Fall and Spring since 2006 and will continue to do so until we do away with Daylight Savings Time.

Daylight-Savings-Time

When I’m elected President, or Sexiest Man Alive, whichever comes first, I’m going to pass a law getting rid of Daylight Savings Time. I don’t know if other countries do this. I do know that not all the U.S. states abide by it. Daylight Savings Time was created about 100 years ago to give farmers more daylight in which to do their work in the fields. Call me crazy, but why the hell didn’t someone just suggest that the lazy ass farmers drag themselves out of a bed a little earlier each day? Because those cud chewing, overall wearing, udder jerking lay-abouts can’t be bothered to set their alarm clocks, we’re all stuck changing time?

I don’t know if anyone else noticed, but about 10 years ago the U.S. Congress, in another colossal waste of their time and our tax dollars, extended daylight savings time by a few weeks on either end. First off, why isn’t it called daylight spending time since we are using more daylight in the summer months? Secondly, at this point the farmers (except the creepy Amish ones) all have electricity and alarm clocks, which may not have been the case 100 years ago. I can get away with saying that about the Amish because my demographic data shows that for some reason I have very low readership among the Amish. I guess they just don’t get me.

Reportedly the reason Congress did this is to save energy. How will changing our clocks twice a year save energy? Don’t we set our thermostats and use heat based on the outdoor temperature, not how light out it is? I’d like to save the energy I expend changing my clocks! I’d like Congress to tell me when I get that back. Congress has again proven to be the biggest collection of morons outside of…well…I guess I can’t think of a bigger collection. Why doesn’t Congress set their alarm clocks an hour earlier so they can get up early and get more of this important work done?

dst-baby

B.T. dubs, if we set our clocks back an hour now but we turn them ahead in the Spring, over the course of a year what difference does it make? If we learned anything from Marty McFly it was that we shouldn’t muck about with time. Also, according to statistics,  the day after we change our clocks there are more workplace injuries, car accidents, and for the day, a 10% rise in heart attacks.

I for one am not going to go for this stupid daylight savings time thing anymore. I don’t work at a farm or for Congress, so I told my boss that for 6 months I’ll be to work an hour early or late, however it works out. When I’m elected President, or Sexiest Man Alive, whichever comes first, this is going to change

If you’d like to support my bid for President or Sexiest Man Alive, please hit the Facebook, Twitter or re-blog share button below, but hurry because you have an hour less to do it in this weekend. Or is it an hour more? Have a great weekend! ~Phil

#PHIL2020

Alec Baldwin: Terrorist or Adorable Curmudgeon?

Mandatory Credit: Photo by Erik Pendzich/REX/Shutterstock (9688107v)
tvline.com

 Alec Baldwin was arrested Friday and charged with assault and harassment after allegedly striking a man in the face during a dispute over a parking spot outside his New York City home, authorities said.

Police said the actor claimed he had a family member holding the spot for him as he attempted to park his black Cadillac Escalade around 1:30 p.m. when a man driving a black Saab station wagon pulled up and took it.

Police said the men were arguing and pushed each other before Baldwin, 60, got more aggressive. The driver of the station wagon told police Baldwin hit him with his hand, but wasn’t sure if it was a punch or a slap. The driver, 49, was taken to a hospital with jaw pain and redness in the neck area, police said.  All type in italics is from The Chicago Tribune.

Gasp! A celebrity attacking a commoner! How dare he! If we replace the name Alec Baldwin with Justin Bieber, we’d all be outraged and call for him to do jail time. And it does seem like the kind of thing that the Biebs would do, doesn’t it?

In my mind, because it’s Alec Baldwin, it’s OK. And because it’s New York City it’s OK. In New York City a slap in the face is how people greet each other. Arrested over a parking dispute? Ridiculous. Why am I so willing to take Alec Baldwin’s side on this? This is why:

Before Alec Baldwin did a Trump impression he was an obnoxious ass with several instances of public boorishness on his record. Now, since his Emmy winning Trump impersonation I consider him a national treasure, an adorable curmudgeon if you will.

First of all, what’s a 49 year old doing getting in a fight with a 60 year old? And more embarrassingly, losing. Secondly, a guy in a Saab fighting with a guy in an Escalade? If one of these wasn’t Alec Baldwin, wouldn’t we all just say “Let the rich S.O.B.’s fight it out. They both probably deserve a good slap in the face.” ?

When I’m elected President, or Sexiest Man Alive, whichever comes first, I’m going to pass two laws. 1) Alec Baldwin will be required to do President Phil impersonations, and 2) There should a statue of Alec Baldwin, as Donald Trump, erected at the site of the disputed parking spot so that he has dibs on it forever.

 “I wanted to be president of the United States. I really did. The older I get, the less preposterous the idea seems.” ~Alec Baldwin. Sorry Alec, you’ll have to get in line behind me, but I promise you can be my Vice-President. What’s your opinion? Take the poll below:

Please share this post to and fro. I’d love to see the poll go viral. Have a great weekend everybody! ~Phil

Throwback Thursday! Distraction Action

(03/24/12) Distraction Action is a lot like Conjunction Junction. Who remembers that? Sing it with me! “Conjunction Junction, what’s your function?”  There you go, now it’s in your head for the day. When I’m elected President, or Sexiest Man Alive, whichever comes first, I’m going to pass a law against eating or smoking while driving. Yes, I know this is going to make some people mad. I have friends who smoke. I even have friends who eat.  I’m not opposed to smoking or eating if both are done in moderation.  I am opposed to unfair laws.

Over the past several years we’ve seen many laws passed to decrease distracted driving. Isn’t putting a stick in your mouth and lighting it on fire at least slightly distracting while driving? About 25 years ago my friend Bob went through a phase where whenever we got together and went out to a bar and played pool he would leave the room and return moments later with a pack of cigarettes. We weren’t smokers, or pool players for that matter, but we would smoke just one or two while we drank beer and played pool. I have no idea how smokers do it. Maybe I was bad at smoking or pool, probably both, but half of the time I couldn’t see what shot I was trying to make because of the smoke in my eyes.  If I can’t hold my cell phone next to my ear while my eyes are fully fixed on the road I don’t see why smokers are allowed to drive while smoke drifts into their eyes. Yes, I know all you smokers will hate this law because you’re running out of places you can legally smoke in public, but hey, guess what? Yeah, it’s your car, but the roadways are public and like I said, I’m not opposed to smoking, I’m opposed to you running into me because you accidentally lit your mustache on fire because you had to get in just one more cig before work.

Like I said, it’s not just smokers who are going to dislike my legislation. It’s eaters too. I’m an eater. The first step is admitting. My name is Phil and I eat and drive. I shouldn’t eat and drive. It’s distracting. It is virtually impossible to get the nugget in the little cup of dipping sauce unless you look down. And cutting your steak is almost impossible while driving. Once I actually saw someone eating corn on the cob while driving. At 8 a.m.! I’m not sure which I’m more appalled by. What’s even worse is that if I hit a rough patch of road my chocolate fountain keeps tipping over, which I find very distracting.

Although my proposed legislation is likely to be somewhat controversial, I’m confident that when I’m elected President, or Sexiest Man Alive, whichever comes first, my overwhelming popularity will make it an easy sell. #PHIL2020

Have a great Thursday! ~Phil

Daylight Stupid Time!

This is my bi-annual reminder that tomorrow night in the United States we move our clocks forward by an hour and my reminder to you that it’s stupid. I’ve been posting this every Fall and Spring since 2006 and will continue to do so until we do away with Daylight Savings Time.

Daylight-Savings-Time

When I’m elected President, or Sexiest Man Alive, whichever comes first, I’m going to pass a law getting rid of Daylight Savings Time. I don’t know if all other countries do this. I do know that not all the U.S. states abide by it. Daylight Savings Time was created about 120 years ago to give farmers more daylight in which to do their work in the fields. Call me crazy, but why the hell didn’t someone just suggest that the lazy ass farmers drag themselves out of a bed a little earlier each day? Because those cud chewing, overall wearing, udder jerking lay-abouts can’t be bothered to set their alarm clocks we’re all stuck changing time?

I don’t know if anyone else noticed, but about 8 or 9 years ago the U.S. Congress, in another colossal waste of their time and our tax dollars, extended daylight savings time by a few weeks on either end.

First off, why isn’t it called daylight spending time since we are using more daylight in the summer months? Secondly, at this point the farmers (except the creepy Amish ones) all have electricity and alarm clocks, which may not have been the case 120 years ago. I can get away with saying that about the Amish because my demographic data shows that for some reason I have very low readership among the Amish. I guess they just don’t get me.

Reportedly the reason Congress did this is to save energy. How will changing our clocks twice a year save energy? Don’t we set our thermostats and use heat based on the outdoor temperature, not how light out it is? I’d like to save the energy I expend changing my clocks! I’d like Congress to tell me when I get that back. Congress has again proven to be the biggest collection of morons outside of…well…I guess I can’t think of a bigger collection. Why doesn’t Congress set their alarm clocks an hour earlier so they can get up early and get more of this important work done?

dst-baby

B.T. dubs, if we set our clocks ahead an hour now but we turn them back in the Spring, over the course of a year what difference does it make? If we learned anthying from Marty McFly it was that we shouldn’t muck about with time. Also, according to statistics,  the day after we change our clocks there are more workplace injuries, car accidents, and for the day, a 10% rise in heart attacks.

I for one am not going to go for this stupid daylight savings time thing anymore. I don’t work at a farm or for Congress, so I told my boss that for 6 months I’ll be to work an hour early or late, however it works out. When I’m elected President, or Sexiest Man Alive, whichever comes first, this is going to change

If you’d like to support my bid for President or Sexiest Man Alive, please hit the Facebook, Twitter or re-blog share button below, but hurry because you have an hour less to do it in this weekend. Or is it an hour more? Have a great weekend! ~Phil

#PHIL2020

My Solution To The Gun Crisis in America

His eyes are closed! He definitely shouldn’t have a gun. Photo from benchmarkreporter.com

There are two sides to every argument and this one is no different. Earlier this week Donald Trump proposed that instead of more restrictions on guns in the United States we just need more guns in the United States. In fact, he wants teachers in schools to be loaded for bear just in case a school shooter steps on the premises. More people with guns and bullets flying in multiple directions? (Warning: Read the next sentence with extreme sarcasm) I don’t see how that could go wrong!

Being a reasonable and rational man, (I can see you rolling your eyes right now. Stop that!) I decided to delve into this argument and look at it from both sides. The concern of many is the type of guns available to just about anybody. In some states, if you’ve got a pulse and a United States birth certificate, you can get an automatic weapon with nobody even blinking an eye. For some, it’s the type of gun that people can get their hands on that’s the problem. I couldn’t agree more. Automatic weapons are tools of war and have no place in the hands and homes of civilians.

Think about comparing guns to cars. Anybody and everybody can get a license to drive a car, but not just anybody can drive a military tank. I’m not saying all guns should be eliminated, just the types that are dangerous in the hands of the wrong people. Just like cars, I can drive one, but I probably shouldn’t be able to go to my local department store and buy a military tank. I’d be pretty dangerous with that. I say let everyone have access to guns, but only certain kinds. What kinds you ask? Here’s where I get creative!

Lets take the dangerous guns out of the hands of the public. Which ones though? My suggestions is to take away the ones with bullets. Guns don’t kill people. Bullets kill people. It’s pretty rare that an empty gun has ever killed anyone, despite all the pistol whipping you see in crime shows. But, criminals will be criminals, so we can’t just take away the bullets. They’d find a way to get them illegally. So we have to take away all the bullets and the dangerous guns.

I’m sure you’re saying to yourself, “But Phil, what guns aren’t dangerous?” First, I like that you said “But Phil” when thinking to yourself. Secondly there are only three types of guns the public should be allowed to have: Nerf, water, and Potato.  I’m sure most of you are familiar with the first two. If you’re not familiar with Potato guns, here’s the description from Wikipedia:  A potato cannon is a pipe-based cannon which uses air pressure (pneumatic), or combustion of a flammable gas (aerosol, propane, etc.), to launch projectiles at high speeds. They are built to fire chunks of potato. When I was a kid we fired tennis balls out of them instead of potatoes. Sure, if the gas or propane backfires, you’ve got a big problem, but in that case only the shooter gets hurt. Now if someone decided to shoot tater tots, that would be an epically good use of a Spud gun as long as someone else had a ketchup gun.

Yes, when I’m elected President, or Sexiest Man Alive, whichever comes first,  I’m removing all bullet firing weapons from the public domain with the exception of law enforcement and the military. Don’t give me the protecting your own home or hunting argument. More guns in homes accidentally kill people in the home than they do criminals. Get yourself an alarm system and a baseball bat. Hunting? Really? Is there anyone in the United States that needs to hunt to survive? Bueller? Bueller? Yeah, I didn’t think so. If you really like shooting or want a gun in your home, get a Nerf gun or a potato gun. Like Ralphie’s mother worried, you might shoot your eye out, but nobody’s getting killed. Trust me, we don’t need guns. We’re idiots. The fact that the Kardashians are still on TV proves that. #PHIL2020

Have a great Saturday! ~Phil

Three Things in The World That Need Fixing

And I’m the guy to fix them. As I always say, when I’m elected President, or Sexiest Man Alive, whichever comes first, I will fix these three things.

1. What kind of Zone is Worse Than the Friend Zone? Time zones, that’s what’s worse. Last week I traveled for work and I was three time zones away from home. It was stupid. If I wanted to call or text someone back home I had to do math. “Well, I can’t call now because even though it’s a reasonable time here, they’ve already gone to bed.” What time should I call you? 8:00? Yes. Your time or my time? And then, when I woke up in the morning in Pacific time, half the friggin’ day was already done on the East coast. Here’s my solution: When I’m elected President, (#PHIL2020) I will abolish time zones.  Boom. Mic drop. It will be a 24 hour clock and it will the same time everywhere, ALL THE TIME. What time do you want me to call? 4:00? Boom. Done. The whole world. Yes, I’m going to be President of the whole world.

This is how healthy McDonald’s will seem

2. Not So Happy Meals: McDonald’s is making cheeseburgers available in Happy Meals only by request and reducing the size of fries that come with McNuggets. AND they’re reducing the amount of sugar in their chocolate milk. Are you kidding me? Hello McFlyDonalds! We already have almond milk! Why do we need reduced sugar chocolate milk?!!? We know how to drink water and when we walk into McDonald’s we are choosing not to drink water. If we wanted to eat healthy; if we wanted our kids to eat healthy, we wouldn’t have walked into McDonald’s in the first place.  Nobody goes to McDonald’s looking for broccoli. Stay in your lane. Do what you’re good at. As President I will invoke eminent domain and block this idiotic move.

3. Guns: I’m sick and tired of senseless violence and people blaming shootings on “mental health issues.” Guess what? We can’t get rid of mental health issues, but we can get rid of guns. As President and Sexiest Man Alive, (Yes I plan to hold both titles simultaneously. Also, as a psychic, I predict that upon reading this, People Magazine will choose to name Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau 2018’s Sexiest Man Alive in November.) Back to me. As President I will mandate that all automatic weapons and handguns be removed from the public domain. If you’re a “hunter” and you need an automatic weapon, then you’re a moron and shouldn’t be allowed to have any guns. People can still hunt deer with a normal one-shot-at-a-time shotgun, but outside of that, only law enforcement and active military can have any kind of guns. Yes, it will be a hard, long battle to get rid of guns, but it needs to be done. #ParklandStrong

Sorry that I got a little heavy there at the end, but something needs to change. Something that transcends political lines. Something that has only the best interest of people at heart. If I can pull this off, would it be so bad if I also made McDonald’s serve bad food and put the entire world on the same time? Feel free to share by one of the social media buttons below.

Have a great Saturday! #PHIL2020