Tag Archives: #Phil2020

The Unemployment Diaries Day 3: Home Alone?

Apparently, if me and Macaulay Culkin had a baby, it would not be pretty

Day 3: Wife stayed home from work today due to illness. Suddenly being unemployed isn’t nearly as fun as it was yesterday. I guess I’ll have to start looking for a job.

Possible Job Thoughts: (this is an actual picture from the Notes file on my phone)

Run for President: We all know this is already a given, but the election isn’t until 2020. So even if I get the job, the paychecks won’t start coming in until 2021. It also takes time to build momentum, so I’ll need your help. Here’s what you can do: Whenever you share one of my posts on Facebook or Twitter, add the hashtag #PHIL2020.

Apply to Celebrity Big Brother: TV ads are teasing the new season of Celebrity Big Brother, but I don’t think it’s too late for me to jump on board. And why wouldn’t they want me? I have one of the longest running blogs in the world!

Wait, are you questioning my credentials of being “celebrity” enough for Celebrity Big Brother? Seriously? OK, if you want to, let’s do this! Here’s some of the cast:

Natalie Eva Marie. Who? Do you know she is? You probably don’t, but you know who I am. Boom. There’s one that I’m more famous than.

Ryan Lochte? Michael Phelps shadow much? A former Olympic swimmer who’s more famous for getting drunk at the Rio Olympics and kicking in the bathroom door of a gas station. Hell, there’s probably twenty rednecks in my podunk town who have been on the local news for the same thing.

Tamar Braxton? Apparently singer Toni Braxton  has a sister that no one had heard of until the Big Brother ads hit TV this week.   I wonder if Toni even knew.

Jonathan BennettYou could show up at any kindergarten class in a well to do American suburb and find four kids named Jonathan Bennett.

Don’t worry, I’m not going to go through all twelve alleged “celebrities”. You get the idea. You’ve heard of me more than you’ve heard of them. CBS, get me on that show! And, one thing I have in common with all of the pseudo celebrities is that I’m unemployed too!

That’s it for today folks! Thanks for reading. Have a great Friday! ~Phil

#PHIL2020

Were My Psychic Predictions for 2018 Right? Let’s see!

Every year I post my psychic predictions for the following year. Some I get right and others I don’t. This is the case with every psychic in the world, but of course all the other psychics don’t post a scorecard at the end of the year like I do. I’m sensing a mass of cowardice from the other psychics as The Phil Factor steamrolls them with my integrity. Two years ago I predicted Kate Middleton’s third pregnancy a full 6 months before it happened. (I swear I didn’t have anything to do with it)  I also predicted Prince Harry’s engagement, although I didn’t quite get the victim  bride correct. Let’s see how I did on my 2018 predictions:

Prediction 1: 

I predicted that the Royal wedding and royal birth would take place on the same day due to the Queen mums dire illness. Sadly, the Queen is still OK and the wedding went off without a hitch. (heavy sigh) I’m starting to think that Queen Elizabeth is an alien. Stay tuned on tomorrow for my 2019 psychic predictions…

Prediction 2:

This is not me, but I’m considering the hairdo

I predicted that I would interview famous hairdo psychic Gary Spivey for my blog. This being wrong is not my fault. I foresaw this event accurately, but it seems that brillo-headed Gary Spivey did not see this coming and was unable to attend the interview due to a “scheduling conflict.” That sounds a little questionable, don’t you think? I think he was intentionally trying to ruin my prediction because he fears that my burgeoning predictive prowess might eclipse his gifts. And I have better hair.

Prediction 3:

nytimes.com

This was the scene in New York City Thursday night after an alleged massive “transformer explosion” lit the sky blue for about 20 minutes. A lot of people were tweeting about an alien invasion, but not me. I was worried that contrary to my prediction, the world was ending. When I woke up Friday morning and the world was still here intact, just as I predicted it would be last year, I made my coffee and felt a little more smug than usual. Nailed it. Psychic Phil strikes again.

Prediction 4:

I predicted that Donald Trump would resign from the American Presidency by the end of 2018. We still have a couple days to go, but I’m going roll this one over into 2019. I’m not sure if this is a psychic vibe or just wishful thinking. Speaking of Presidential…

Prediction 5:

NewSonia

I predicted that Dwayne “the Rock” Johnson would announce a run for the United States Senate in January of 2018.  Dwayne Johnson did not announce a Senate run last January, but… according to Entertainment Tonight, in response to rumors that he was considering a Presidential run in 2020, he “confirmed in April that he had taken the next step, and was actively taking meetings to “understand more” about the job. ” I’m going to call that a partial victory for my psychic noggin. I had the political vibe right but I aimed too low.

If Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson does become President I think that means that he has to abdicate his 2016 title as Sexiest Man Alive and that years title would then be bestowed upon the number 2 in the voting, yours truly, Phil “The Factor” Taylor. So, his political career is a win-win for both of us. Go Rock Go!

Or maybe I should run…

That’s The White House behind me   #Phil2020

Prediction 6: 

I predicted that the Church of Scientology would dissolve under the weight of financial fraud and that Tom Cruise (born in the same hospital as me) would start his own new religion with this as his theme song: “Just put those old religions on the shelf. I’ll make a new one myself. Today’s Gods ain’t got the same soul. Just follow me, I’m as dumb as a troll.” Sadly, this one has yet to come true, but how much fun would it be if it did?

I’ll fess up here. It looks like I got about 1.5 out of 6 correct, giving me a 25% hit rate, which isn’t bad, but it’s not as good as usual.  Don’t forget though, just because they didn’t happen this year doesn’t mean that the others aren’t going to happen at another time. When I’m looking into the future, time can be a slippery thing.

Come back tomorrow for what is usually my most popular post of the year,  My Psychic Predictions for 2019. Have a great Saturday! ~Phil

Shitty Lettuce Starts World War 3

MSN.com

Last week the entire population of the United States, except me, was thrown into a nutritional panic when the Centers For Disease Control sent out a dire warning about ALL Romaine lettuce being contaminated by E. Coli, or in other words,  poop.

The current President of the United States, confused about the origin of Romaine lettuce, declared war on Romania tweeting, “If THE Romanians think THEY can bring the GREAT United States to their knees by pooping on our lettuce they have ANOTHER thing coming! Fake news! Covfefe! I hereby declare war on Romania!” 

Daily Kos

White House Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders said, “Although Romaine lettuce doesn’t specifically or directly come from Romania, (then she rolled her eyes and sighed heavily) the President has decided to take no chances in his efforts to protect the American people from (using finger quotes)biology warfare.”

According to reports from the White House, Donald Trump has mobilized troops to the border of Romania. Trumps attempted invasion of Romania was stymied when U.S. troops discovered that Romania has put up a wall to keep foreigners out. The irony was lost on Trump who immediately accused the Romanians of stealing his idea.

Have a great Saturday! ~Phil

Top Ten Tuesday! Ten Funny Tweets!

A lot of people say “Twitter? I don’t get it.” Sometimes even Presidents don’t get it even WHEN they THINK they DO. If you’re a President, or just someone who wants to understand Twitter better, follow these ten funny people”

Have a great Tuesday! ~Phil

Daylight Stupid Time

This is my bi-annual reminder that this weekend in the U.S. we move our clocks back by an hour and my reminder that it’s stupid. I’ve been posting this every Fall and Spring since 2006 and will continue to do so until we do away with Daylight Savings Time.

Daylight-Savings-Time

When I’m elected President, or Sexiest Man Alive, whichever comes first, I’m going to pass a law getting rid of Daylight Savings Time. I don’t know if other countries do this. I do know that not all the U.S. states abide by it. Daylight Savings Time was created about 100 years ago to give farmers more daylight in which to do their work in the fields. Call me crazy, but why the hell didn’t someone just suggest that the lazy ass farmers drag themselves out of a bed a little earlier each day? Because those cud chewing, overall wearing, udder jerking lay-abouts can’t be bothered to set their alarm clocks, we’re all stuck changing time?

I don’t know if anyone else noticed, but about 10 years ago the U.S. Congress, in another colossal waste of their time and our tax dollars, extended daylight savings time by a few weeks on either end. First off, why isn’t it called daylight spending time since we are using more daylight in the summer months? Secondly, at this point the farmers (except the creepy Amish ones) all have electricity and alarm clocks, which may not have been the case 100 years ago. I can get away with saying that about the Amish because my demographic data shows that for some reason I have very low readership among the Amish. I guess they just don’t get me.

Reportedly the reason Congress did this is to save energy. How will changing our clocks twice a year save energy? Don’t we set our thermostats and use heat based on the outdoor temperature, not how light out it is? I’d like to save the energy I expend changing my clocks! I’d like Congress to tell me when I get that back. Congress has again proven to be the biggest collection of morons outside of…well…I guess I can’t think of a bigger collection. Why doesn’t Congress set their alarm clocks an hour earlier so they can get up early and get more of this important work done?

dst-baby

B.T. dubs, if we set our clocks back an hour now but we turn them ahead in the Spring, over the course of a year what difference does it make? If we learned anything from Marty McFly it was that we shouldn’t muck about with time. Also, according to statistics,  the day after we change our clocks there are more workplace injuries, car accidents, and for the day, a 10% rise in heart attacks.

I for one am not going to go for this stupid daylight savings time thing anymore. I don’t work at a farm or for Congress, so I told my boss that for 6 months I’ll be to work an hour early or late, however it works out. When I’m elected President, or Sexiest Man Alive, whichever comes first, this is going to change

If you’d like to support my bid for President or Sexiest Man Alive, please hit the Facebook, Twitter or re-blog share button below, but hurry because you have an hour less to do it in this weekend. Or is it an hour more? Have a great weekend! ~Phil

#PHIL2020

Alec Baldwin: Terrorist or Adorable Curmudgeon?

Mandatory Credit: Photo by Erik Pendzich/REX/Shutterstock (9688107v)
tvline.com

 Alec Baldwin was arrested Friday and charged with assault and harassment after allegedly striking a man in the face during a dispute over a parking spot outside his New York City home, authorities said.

Police said the actor claimed he had a family member holding the spot for him as he attempted to park his black Cadillac Escalade around 1:30 p.m. when a man driving a black Saab station wagon pulled up and took it.

Police said the men were arguing and pushed each other before Baldwin, 60, got more aggressive. The driver of the station wagon told police Baldwin hit him with his hand, but wasn’t sure if it was a punch or a slap. The driver, 49, was taken to a hospital with jaw pain and redness in the neck area, police said.  All type in italics is from The Chicago Tribune.

Gasp! A celebrity attacking a commoner! How dare he! If we replace the name Alec Baldwin with Justin Bieber, we’d all be outraged and call for him to do jail time. And it does seem like the kind of thing that the Biebs would do, doesn’t it?

In my mind, because it’s Alec Baldwin, it’s OK. And because it’s New York City it’s OK. In New York City a slap in the face is how people greet each other. Arrested over a parking dispute? Ridiculous. Why am I so willing to take Alec Baldwin’s side on this? This is why:

Before Alec Baldwin did a Trump impression he was an obnoxious ass with several instances of public boorishness on his record. Now, since his Emmy winning Trump impersonation I consider him a national treasure, an adorable curmudgeon if you will.

First of all, what’s a 49 year old doing getting in a fight with a 60 year old? And more embarrassingly, losing. Secondly, a guy in a Saab fighting with a guy in an Escalade? If one of these wasn’t Alec Baldwin, wouldn’t we all just say “Let the rich S.O.B.’s fight it out. They both probably deserve a good slap in the face.” ?

When I’m elected President, or Sexiest Man Alive, whichever comes first, I’m going to pass two laws. 1) Alec Baldwin will be required to do President Phil impersonations, and 2) There should a statue of Alec Baldwin, as Donald Trump, erected at the site of the disputed parking spot so that he has dibs on it forever.

 “I wanted to be president of the United States. I really did. The older I get, the less preposterous the idea seems.” ~Alec Baldwin. Sorry Alec, you’ll have to get in line behind me, but I promise you can be my Vice-President. What’s your opinion? Take the poll below:

Please share this post to and fro. I’d love to see the poll go viral. Have a great weekend everybody! ~Phil

Throwback Thursday! Distraction Action

(03/24/12) Distraction Action is a lot like Conjunction Junction. Who remembers that? Sing it with me! “Conjunction Junction, what’s your function?”  There you go, now it’s in your head for the day. When I’m elected President, or Sexiest Man Alive, whichever comes first, I’m going to pass a law against eating or smoking while driving. Yes, I know this is going to make some people mad. I have friends who smoke. I even have friends who eat.  I’m not opposed to smoking or eating if both are done in moderation.  I am opposed to unfair laws.

Over the past several years we’ve seen many laws passed to decrease distracted driving. Isn’t putting a stick in your mouth and lighting it on fire at least slightly distracting while driving? About 25 years ago my friend Bob went through a phase where whenever we got together and went out to a bar and played pool he would leave the room and return moments later with a pack of cigarettes. We weren’t smokers, or pool players for that matter, but we would smoke just one or two while we drank beer and played pool. I have no idea how smokers do it. Maybe I was bad at smoking or pool, probably both, but half of the time I couldn’t see what shot I was trying to make because of the smoke in my eyes.  If I can’t hold my cell phone next to my ear while my eyes are fully fixed on the road I don’t see why smokers are allowed to drive while smoke drifts into their eyes. Yes, I know all you smokers will hate this law because you’re running out of places you can legally smoke in public, but hey, guess what? Yeah, it’s your car, but the roadways are public and like I said, I’m not opposed to smoking, I’m opposed to you running into me because you accidentally lit your mustache on fire because you had to get in just one more cig before work.

Like I said, it’s not just smokers who are going to dislike my legislation. It’s eaters too. I’m an eater. The first step is admitting. My name is Phil and I eat and drive. I shouldn’t eat and drive. It’s distracting. It is virtually impossible to get the nugget in the little cup of dipping sauce unless you look down. And cutting your steak is almost impossible while driving. Once I actually saw someone eating corn on the cob while driving. At 8 a.m.! I’m not sure which I’m more appalled by. What’s even worse is that if I hit a rough patch of road my chocolate fountain keeps tipping over, which I find very distracting.

Although my proposed legislation is likely to be somewhat controversial, I’m confident that when I’m elected President, or Sexiest Man Alive, whichever comes first, my overwhelming popularity will make it an easy sell. #PHIL2020

Have a great Thursday! ~Phil