Tag Archives: #Phil2020

Three Things in The World That Need Fixing

And I’m the guy to fix them. As I always say, when I’m elected President, or Sexiest Man Alive, whichever comes first, I will fix these three things.

1. What kind of Zone is Worse Than the Friend Zone? Time zones, that’s what’s worse. Last week I traveled for work and I was three time zones away from home. It was stupid. If I wanted to call or text someone back home I had to do math. “Well, I can’t call now because even though it’s a reasonable time here, they’ve already gone to bed.” What time should I call you? 8:00? Yes. Your time or my time? And then, when I woke up in the morning in Pacific time, half the friggin’ day was already done on the East coast. Here’s my solution: When I’m elected President, (#PHIL2020) I will abolish time zones.  Boom. Mic drop. It will be a 24 hour clock and it will the same time everywhere, ALL THE TIME. What time do you want me to call? 4:00? Boom. Done. The whole world. Yes, I’m going to be President of the whole world.

This is how healthy McDonald’s will seem

2. Not So Happy Meals: McDonald’s is making cheeseburgers available in Happy Meals only by request and reducing the size of fries that come with McNuggets. AND they’re reducing the amount of sugar in their chocolate milk. Are you kidding me? Hello McFlyDonalds! We already have almond milk! Why do we need reduced sugar chocolate milk?!!? We know how to drink water and when we walk into McDonald’s we are choosing not to drink water. If we wanted to eat healthy; if we wanted our kids to eat healthy, we wouldn’t have walked into McDonald’s in the first place.  Nobody goes to McDonald’s looking for broccoli. Stay in your lane. Do what you’re good at. As President I will invoke eminent domain and block this idiotic move.

3. Guns: I’m sick and tired of senseless violence and people blaming shootings on “mental health issues.” Guess what? We can’t get rid of mental health issues, but we can get rid of guns. As President and Sexiest Man Alive, (Yes I plan to hold both titles simultaneously. Also, as a psychic, I predict that upon reading this, People Magazine will choose to name Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau 2018’s Sexiest Man Alive in November.) Back to me. As President I will mandate that all automatic weapons and handguns be removed from the public domain. If you’re a “hunter” and you need an automatic weapon, then you’re a moron and shouldn’t be allowed to have any guns. People can still hunt deer with a normal one-shot-at-a-time shotgun, but outside of that, only law enforcement and active military can have any kind of guns. Yes, it will be a hard, long battle to get rid of guns, but it needs to be done. #ParklandStrong

Sorry that I got a little heavy there at the end, but something needs to change. Something that transcends political lines. Something that has only the best interest of people at heart. If I can pull this off, would it be so bad if I also made McDonald’s serve bad food and put the entire world on the same time? Feel free to share by one of the social media buttons below.

Have a great Saturday! #PHIL2020

Fifty Shades of…

I am absolutely outraged! Just because I’m a small time author, some big movie company thinks they can steal my title, change a word and pretend it’s their idea. My Fifty Shades of Phil book came out in June 2013, before all the Fifty Shades movies, so obviously I had the idea first. I’m considering legal action.

Because of this weeks movie opening of Fifty Shades Freed I thought I’d capitalize on all the people searching the web for info using the phrase #FiftyShades by putting my book on sale Many people may visit my site here from their smartphones and never see the link in the sidebar for my book Fifty Shades of Phil. I could tell you about the book that contains the best 50 humor essays from the first 8 years of #ThePhilFactor, but I won’t. I’ll let the reviewers do it for me:

Hilariously Funny! ~Narly Nuts Book Lovers: Phil takes us on a HILARIOUS ride of HUMOR and TRUTH! He says all the things we know to be true, but most of us likely don’t say out loud. We think it and know how we feel about the different topics. Yes, some of it is ego-centric and down right blunt, but what fun would it be if Phil wasn’t putting his spin on it.
All in all, this is a book I will recommend for laughs, wit and Phil’s oh so subtle charm. When Phil is elected President, or Sexiest Man Alive, I WILL VOTE PHIL, whichever comes first.:)

Author Sean Smithson (How to Lose a Girl in 10 Ways): “Perfect read for any commute. …snappy and entertaining reading. Perfect for a very recent and uncomfortable long haul flight. Definitely do not regret picking this up.”

Now for contrast, here is an excerpt of a review of Fifty Shades Darker from USA Today: There are a lot of negative things to be said about Fifty Shades. But it does impress in one sense: The erotica lite sequel somehow manages to be worse than the stupefyingly bad Fifty Shades of Grey.”

To celebrate the movie #FiftyShadesFreed this week, I’ve put my book on sale for just $2.99 for Kindle, Nook, or in the iTunes bookstore.  I’m not sure what it is in Euro’s or GBP but you can still find it in the Amazon bookstore in every country in the world and they’ll tell you how much it is.  What? You don’t have a Kindle or Nook? You don’t need one! You can download the free Kindle or Nook app to your iPad or smartphone and then download Fifty Shades of Phil. For $2.99 you can’t go wrong. If you can read the entire thing without laughing I’ll refund your money. If you go to Fifty Shades Freed and you hate it, I doubt they’ll give you the same offer.

Have a great Friday! ~Phil

#PHIL2020

The Casino Walking Dead

For work I had to spend the last week in a hotel with a casino. It was a very nice hotel. About 3/4 of the bottom floor was a casino. That is an interesting scene. And when I say interesting, I mean it in the way a doctor would say, “Interesting…” when he looks at the lab result and sees that you have a bizarre and almost unheard of disease.

There seem to be two crowds at the casino: There’s Ma and Pa Kettle from middle America who are built like they eat nothing but dairy products and carbohydrates. They’re always squeezed in a sausage like fashion into the jersey of their favorite sports team.

The second group is the opposite of Ma and Pa Kettle. This group LOVES to go out to the casino for the night. The guys are decked out in $100 jeans with pointy leather shoes, a shirt that looks bedazzled but isn’t, and an invisible cloud of body spray surrounding them.

The women that hang on their arms probably have to hang on their arms because they’re feeling faint from the body spray aroma. I think these women are trying to attract men the same way fisherman attract fish. They wear tiny shiny cocktail dresses that are the equivalent a flashy metallic fishing lure.  It seems to work.  Of course the women catch men, the tiny dresses literally prevent them from doing anything but walking forward with very tiny little steps. God forbid they drop something and have to bend over to pick it up. We’d all have a view their gynecologist would envy.

To be fair, up until about 11:00 pm the casino crowd looks fun. Everything is glitzy and there’s music and happy cheering at the Craps tables. After 11:00 pm once this crowd has either lost or won and is in an alcohol fueled amplified emotional state things get ugly. Gamblers who’ve lost are drowning their sorrows and those who won are celebrating by giving their winnings back buying drinks. The cocktail dresses who caught their man hitting on a different cocktail dress are on the couch in the corner looking like mascara raccoons.

Ma and Pa Kettle are still there, not having left the same slot machine they sat down at after clearing the entire buffet upstairs. Playing the slots is something I just don’t get. Now in the 21st century the slots are not one armed bandits, but computers. So you put your money in and a computer that’s owned by the casino will let you know if you win. Hmm..I wonder whose best interest they have at heart?

After 11:00 still isn’t the worst. Oh no, it gets worse. Far worse. I’m an early riser. I get up around 5:00 a.m. I start my day with a cup of coffee. In a hotel with a casino, they don’t put a coffee maker in your room because they want you out of your room spending money. So, I had to go down to the coffee shop in the casino. Remember the glitzy people at 11:00 pm? They’re still there and they’ve turned into the walking dead. Still smoking, drinking and gambling. Their eyes that were once as shiny as their cocktail dresses now look sunken and hollow. The men are glassy eyed but still putting away drinks. Now the body spray aura around them is replaced by the smell of smoke, sweat and desperation. They’re the walking dead but they just don’t know it yet. Behind the shiny cocktail dresses and Ed Hardy t-shirts, their tiny hearts are still beating slowly but their mind has left the building.

Sorry there’s not more pictures. I did this from my phone while traveling! I’ve had so many flight delays that I’m not sure I’ll ever get home. ~Phil

Throwback Thursday! The Official Blog of The Super Bowl

(Jan. 31, 2015) I’m not saying that The Phil Factor is The Official Blog of The #SuperBowl, and I’m not saying it’s not. What I am saying is that I want to get a cease and desist letter from the National Football League’s lawyers.

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For those of you not from the States, or from the U.S. but you just don’t care, this weekend is the championship game of the National Football League, otherwise known as the #SuperBowl. I’m hashtagging those words, linking to their site, and making a point of using the phrase ‘Super Bowl’ because the NFL (No Phil League) literally tries to sue anyone who uses the phrase “Super Bowl” without paying them millions of dollars to do so. (I’m putting the words Super Bowl in bold print on the off chance that they’ll be more noticeable when someone from the NFL is looking at the internet.) Some networks even prohibit their announcers from saying Super Bowl out of fear of being sued by the NFL. Comedian Steven Colbert has taken to calling it the Superb Owl.

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I call bullshit. I don’t care who you are or what entity you’ve created, no one gets to own words. When I’m elected President, or #SuperBowl MVP (Most Valuable Phil), whichever comes first, I’m going to pass a law stating “No people or corporations can own words.” It’s a stupid idea that someone can own the right to the words #SuperBowl. I’m pretty sure that the words super and bowl were around long before American football. In fact, on Downton Abbey last week Mr. Carson was bringing soup to the Earl and Countess in this big, ornate dish and the Earl said, “Why Mr. Carson! That is the most super bowl I have ever laid my eyes upon!” Downton Abbey happened a hundred years ago, so there’s your proof that someone else used the phrase first.

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What if I really do own a super bowl? You know, one of those cool ones with a picture at the bottom that you can’t see until you’ve eaten every drop. That is truly a super bowl. Or what about the people who invented the Perfect Bacon Bowl? That has got to be the superest of bowls. If there were a vote I’m pretty sure that the Bacon Bowl beats out football as the best kind of bowl. I’m also pretty sure that the Bacon Bowl people aren’t going to sue me for mentioning their product. In fact, they might even send me a free Bacon Bowl maker for mentioning it (hint, hint). Click on the video below. The song is a hilariously awesome and may sound more than a little like Queen’s Bohemian Rhapsody.

I’m also sure that the folks in the legal marijuana states of Washington and Colorado  think their bowls are pretty Super too. Is the NFL going to sue anyone there who says to their smoking buddy “Man, this is one super bowl“?

I’m not afraid to say any word I want. And by the way National Football League, what in the hell makes you so arrogant to think that you have to police the world to make sure no one uses your phrase? I would like to hereby announce that I am legally forbidding anyone from referring to themselves as the official anything of #ThePhilFactor unless I declare it. There you go National Football League. I dare you to declare your #SuperBowl is The Official Super Bowl of The Phil Factor. You know what though? I’m not going to sue you if you do. They’re only words. If you think my blog is so awesome that you want to affiliate yourself with it, great, but it’s going to cost you. In fact, nevermind. The title is already taken. I’m officially declaring that the Perfect Bacon Bowl is The Official Super Bowl of The Phil Factor. And if the Perfect Bacon Bowl people wanted to buy advertising space in my sidebar I’m not opposed to that.

As always, if you enjoy #ThePhilFactor, which is the #SuperBowl of blogs, please share by hitting the Facebook, Twitter, or re-blog button below. Have a great #SuperBowl weekend! ~Phil

Wordless Wednesday! Super Blue Blood Moon

Picture courtesy of ndtv.com

At 6:48 a.m. the United States will see a Blue Moon, a total lunar eclipse and a supermoon coincide to create a rare lunar event that hasn’t been seen in North America in more than 150 years. This is a picture taken last night. Have a great Wednesday! ~Phil

The Great Nutella War of 2018

If you’re goin’ through hell keep on going
Don’t slow down if you’re scared don’t show it
You might get out before the devil even knows you’re there ~Rodney Atkins

I  haven’t been to hell, but I’ve been to France once, for just eight hours. It was Paris. I can’t really elaborate more. We were given a job to do, we did it and got out before they knew we had been there.

It’s a good thing I got out in time. I’m not saying that I went to France to smuggle Nutella out of the country, but I’m not saying I didn’t either. Like I said, it was good that I got out because on Friday a French supermarket chain, Intermarche, put Nutella on sale. Awesome, right? Who doesn’t love Nutella? Apparently, those of us who think we love Nutella don’t love Nutella the way the French love Nutella. They love it so much that it hurts. Their love of Nutella doesn’t hurt themselves, but occasionally, if it’s on sale, their love of Nutella hurts other people.  (See how all the Nutella’s are hyperlinked? Each one is linked to the Nutella website for a different country)

Apparently the French went full on Black Friday over a Nutella sale. Police had to break up fights in one supermarket. One customer had a black eye, one woman had her hair pulled, another was hit in the head with a box and another customer had a bloody hand. And it wasn’t just one supermarket. This occurred all over the country.

France, which is infamously not good at fighting wars, seems to have found their passion. If I need to hire a team of mercenaries to fight terrorists, I’m hiring a bunch of French people and telling them that the terrorists have all the Nutella.

Here’s a new ad slogan: Nutella! Because you can’t punch someone without just cause!

Here is my list of things for which I would go ‘French Nutella beserker’ for:

Cheez-ItsThis is my drug of choice. If at some time it’s discovered that the chemical responsible for Cheez-Its orange color is poisonous and they’re being taken off store shelves, I drop what I’m doing, empty my bank account and immediately drive the nearest store to buy all the Cheez-Its.”Cheez-Its! The official snack cracker of The Phil Factor!” I like the sound of that. Cheez-It people get at me.

Girl Scout cookiesThese sweet treats are incredibly satisfying and because they’re sweet they balance out the salty from my Cheez-Its. I can switch back and forth between the two for a balanced diet. As always, I’m open to sponsorship opportunities. Girl Scouts get at me! Kidding. Not the actual Girl Scouts, but maybe their cute moms. Kidding! I’m married. Just bring me the cookies. Those are more attractive to me than women at this point in my life.

So, what things do you like so much that you’d go “French Nutella berserker” about? Put yours in the comments! Have a great Sunday! ~Phil

#PHIL2020

President Oprah & V.P. Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson?

photo from menshealth.com

Could it happen? Oprah as President with Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson as the second in command? It sounds ridiculous, but it’s not as far fetched as it may seem, and it may not be a bad thing.

First get over the fact that I, as a psychic soothsayer, predicted Oprah as President in this post from 2011 and three weeks ago predicted Dwayne Johnson would run for a Florida senate seat in 2018 in my psychic predictions for 2018 . (Also, this just came to me, a new addition to my 2018 psychic predictions: Meghan Markle, the new Duchess of Something or Other, will get pregnant. It may be announced late in 2018 or early in 2019.)

Some people are up in arms about another TV personality running for public office. Many people are thinking, “Why do we need another ego-driven, no political experience,  blowhard in office?”

Guess what? I think that’s exactly what we need in office.  I lived through it once already and it wasn’t so bad. When I was a kid, Ronald Reagan was elected President of the United States. And guess what? Back then everybody felt pretty good about it. I think we all felt pretty good about it specifically because he had been an actor! We didn’t think to ourselves, “Oh great a B-list actor from the 1950’s is our President!” What I believe we liked was his ability to appear Presidential and speak in a very Presidential manner. He acted like a President. His State of the Union addresses seemed like it was your grandfather sitting the country on his knee and telling you that no matter how many nuclear weapons the Russians had you should just have your milk and cookies and go to bed because he was going to make everything alright.

Ronald Reagan may have been a pioneer, as far as politics go, when he first was elected to public office, but he certainly wasn’t the last:

Four terms as Congressman

California Governor 8 years

Former Governor of Minnesota

He played a District Attorney on Law & Order while he was a Senator!

See? Some Hollywood types have successfully segued into the political arena without doing permanent harm to the country’s collective psyche. And, admit it, there have even been times that you’ve thought to yourself that you could be a better leader of the country than whoever was in charge. You imagine yourself filling your cabinet with the wisest, most experienced minds in the land, and you would hear and consider their counsel before making wise decisions.

Don’t you want someone running our country who might just take that approach and give kick ass speeches that make us feel good? I do. That’s why I’m running for President in 2020 against any and all Hollywood types that choose to show up. If a goofy old actor or exaggerated real estate salesman can be President, why can’t a psychic humor blogger? A psychic President would be great. If I knew what was going to happen in the future I could make all the right decisions!  #Phil2020 <== Go ahead, click that, you know you want to!

Have a great Saturday! I’ll see you on the campaign trail! ~Phil