TBT! The Afterlife To-Do List

(01/17/16) Yesterday I wrote that it’s disconcerting to see so many people possibly more famous and probably wealthier than me, pass away and it has made me realize that it’s possible I may not be able to avoid death.  Don’t get me wrong, I still have no plans to die, but as I get older I like to hedge my bets a little. Hell, if Steve Jobs FitBit didn’t help him avoid death, what chance do I have? That’s right all you FitBit nuts, the Grim Reaper is coming for you no matter how many steps you take today.


That’s my favorite Grim Reaper. He’s from a cartoon my kids watched. I thought he was particularly funny because he had a Jamaican accent. That’s the first item on my After-Life To Do List: If I’m going to allow myself to be escorted to the other realm it’s got to be him, that Jamaican Grim Reaper. It’s impossible to stay mad at anyone with a Jamaican accent. C’mon man. It will be alright. Let me show you around. Being dead ain’t no big ting… If it’s not him, I’m not going.

Prior to my death, and possibly as soon as this week, I’m going to choose my house to haunt. Who says that you have to haunt your own house? What’s to stop me from haunting the Big Brother house? There’s always people home, so I’d never be bored. I could participate by doing ghosty kind of stuff. How great would Big Brother be if the ten dolts were locked up in a haunted house for three months? And how about if the ghost gets to choose who leaves the house each week by making some mysterious sign, like a mark on a chalkboard or something? I’m totally going to pitch this idea to the producers. I’m putting it in my will just in case I don’t get the contract signed before I pass.


List of people to haunt: I’m making this list and including in my will that invites be sent out to my funeral. Only the date of the funeral will have to be filled in.  I’m pre-signing the invites now  with the phrase “See YOU soon!” How creepy would it be to get one of those? Also, at my funeral I want every one there to stand up and read their favorite Phil Factor aloud.

Choose My After-Life Occupation: If I have eternity ahead of me, I don’t want to retire yet. Sitting around playing checkers with the old guys at McDonald’s in the afterlife sounds boring. In the after-life I’m going to be a real estate agent helping the recently deceased find the home of their dreams to haunt.

Me: This lovely colonial on a cul-de-sac has five of the living, four bedrooms and two and a half baths..

Recently Deceased: What about pets? I hate pets. Dogs always barking at me. Cats getting spooked when I’m trying to stand quietly in the corner watching TV. They can see us you know.

Me: So are pets a deal breaker for you?

Recently deceased: What about Jennifer Lopez? I’d love to haunt Jennifer Lopez.

Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Her house just went off the market last month. How about Justin Bieber?

Recently Deceased: Ugh. No thanks.

Phil found his time as a ghost comedian to be both odd and confusing.

Phil found his time as a ghost comedian to be both odd and confusing.

After-Life Hobbies: I never want to be all work and no play, so I’m going to be an amateur stand-up comedian in my spare time. Spare time? I’m dead. All my time is spare! See? I’m writing jokes for the after-life already. Man, I am gonna brighten that place up.

Blogging: Yup, I’m going to continue. I’ve been doing this blog for almost 11 years. Why should I let death stop me? I’ve pre-written an extra post a week for the last ten years and scheduled them to be released on a regular schedule after my transition to the after-life, Heck, I could be dead already and you wouldn’t know! Why else would I be writing about death?

So, as you can see, there’s lots to do in the after-life, and I don’t want to show up unprepared. What do you want to do after you die?

(This paragraph isn’t part of the throwback) Also, before you transition to the great beyond, would you mind clicking THIS LINK and voting for my Time To Lie book cover in the AllAuthor.com Cover of the Month contest? You click the link and hit vote. That’s it. No logging in, handing over your email or Facebook nonsense. If you’ve voted before, you can vote again each day. Thanks, I’d really appreciate your help.

Have a great Thursday! ~Phil


23 responses to “TBT! The Afterlife To-Do List

  1. What fun it would be at your funeral to see the looks on people’s faces when they read those “See ya soon” cards. Not saying that I want to be at your funeral anytime soon. But it should be live streaming (or would that be death streaming?) so everyone can be in on the fun.

  2. I have no plans after I die, but I appreciate your enthusiasm. I suppose I’ll do spiritual things, which would be refreshing after X amount of years of being trapped in a body on earth. Too much violence, too many alarm clocks, often too hot, all the best food is bad for me — I’ll need a break and then I suppose I’ll head into another round of existence. Maybe we’ll see one another. 🙂 By then, you’ll be making Top Ten Lists for your next life:
    1. Must be in a summery place
    2. Must be Sexiest Man Alive or POTUS
    3. Must find same wife
    4. Must enjoy lots of hotels
    5. Must drink wine at sunsets
    6. Must include tie job

    • Wow. You really have been paying attention to my blog. Maybe I️ better shake things up. I’m obviously too predictable

      • LOL Well I have read you for FOUR YEARS! 🙂

      • And possibly more consistently than anyone else! You are always here and I️ really appreciate that. I’m really am sorry that I’m not as good at visiting your blog.

      • It’s fine, I’m not a tit-for-tat kinda person. I read what I like 🙂

      • Thank you, and I️ do like your blog but unfortunately I’ve followed back almost everyone who follows me and it’s impossible to see my favorites in my Reader on a regular basis. I️ need to trim that list down to just the good ones

      • Oh I understand that. I subscribe to my regulars through email and then I choose from there. Some people don’t have the email thing and so when I remember them, I pop over and have a look, but honestly, there are only so many hours in a day!

  3. I look forward to reading your afterlife blog. NO! Wait…. 🙂

  4. I hope I don’t go yet as I have just started my training to become a nurse. don’t suppose there will be much call for that in the after-life seeing as everyone is dead! I will still be able to blog hopefully! 🙂

  5. Can I haunt a playground? I’ve never liked children.

    If not, I claim one of the other reality shows… Hell’s Kitchen seems appropriate, and I could amuse myself endlessly fucking with the competition. Or maybe America’s Next Top Model? I could trip them on the runway and slip lard in their food…

    Basically, I’m not after the “friendliest ghost” title.

    • I️ think playgrounds and reality shows are fair game for hauntings. You can scare the kids. Just don’t hurt them. As for the reality show people… they deserve whatever they get.

  6. Voted. I had to. You have done me a service by enlightening me on my death options 😉 How could I not repay the favour.

  7. D.L Finn, Author

    Here is a list I i didn’t even realize I needed…lol.

  8. Excellent, Phil.

  9. I love the idea of being a real estate agent for the recently deceased so they can get a primo house to haunt. In case reincarnation is what really happens I can see a role for a broker to help people come back as the person of their dreams. I want dibs on Giselle, Tom Brady’s wife.

  10. That’s weird. About 25 minutes ago I started working on a blog post concerning the grims adventures 😱😱😱

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