Yes, that’s right, I used the word “neckiest.” Blake Shelton is not just a red neck, he’s the red neckiest of red necks. Truth be told though, he does need a big red neck to hold up that gigantic melon he calls his head. His noggin is shaped like a canned ham. A giant canned ham. If his head was a canned ham, a family of twelve could have a nice Christmas dinner with it.
If Blake Shelton is the Sexiest Man Alive, then the Russians have obviously meddled in another one of our elections. Election? I don’t remember voting. Where the hell was my polling place for this train wreck? I guarantee you that if there was an actual election Blake Shelton would never win Sexiest Man Alive.
Look at the relative size of their heads in the picture above. Blake could kill him with a head butt. That’s why he looks so terrified. Think about this: The big stupid head pictured above is allegedly sexier than every other man on planet Earth. Every. Other. Man. Including me! I know. Hard to believe, right? I’m not into guys, not that there’s anything wrong with that, and I could still name ten guys sexier than Blake Shelton.
It just occurred to me that Shel-ton sounds a lot like Shit-Ton, as in Blake Shit-Ton needs a shit ton of hair product for a head that large.
Speaking of planet Earth; remember that solar eclipse we had back in August? That wasn’t the moon blocking the sun. It was Blake’s head. He just walked outside.
Remember when Blake took up with Miranda before his divorce to his first wife? Then he was married to Miranda Lambert and cheated on her? Now he’s on to Gwen Stefani. He’s cheating and sleeping his way to the top. Is this the role model we want for young impressionable rednecks?
Upon being named Sexiest Man Alive, with a dribble of chewing tobacco spit on his chin, Blake said, “I can’t wait to shove this up Adam’s ass,” referring to fellow The Voice judge Adam Levine, who is also a past Sexiest Man Alive. Ooh that’s classy Blake. That ought to play well with the middle America, Honey Boo-Boo, right wing crowd though. You’ve got to be kidding me. I was beaten out for Sexiest Man Alive by that goober? People Magazine, to what lowest common denominator are you pandering? And Blake, if you’ve got a problem with this, I’d love to hear from you.
Want to Win Something? As an aside, my book Time To Lie is still in the running in the AllAuthor.com November Cover of The Month contest. If you voted for me last week, would you mind voting again? And if you haven’t voted yet, why not? Just click THIS LINK and click “Vote.” There’s no sign-up, or leaving your e-mail or anything. If you vote, come back here and leave a comment that you did and I’ll enter you in a drawing to win an e-book, paperback, or Audible version of my book. Thank you! Have a great Wednesday! ~Phil