Why YOU Did Your New Year Resolutions Wrong!

Good morning and welcome to the next year of your life. YOU did your resolutions wrong. Whether you wrote about them online, posted them on Facebook, or just said them aloud to your friends, you did it wrong. “I want to lose ten pounds,” or maybe you said, “I want to be more organized in 2018!”  Perhaps you might have gone the “I’m going to learn something new!” route. Regardless, you were wrong, wrong, WRONG! Yes, that last wrong was said in frustration at you. At the whole human race in fact.

Last night I was watching one of those insipid New Year’s Eve countdown shows and they had clips of about fifteen different celebrities saying their resolutions. These were famous, talented people who have displayed their skills for the world to see. Surely people like this must have grand goals they aspire to, right? Nope. They wanted to lose the same ten pounds as you and “live more in the moment” in 2018. Ugh. Snoozefest. Zzzzzz Zzzzzzz Zzzzzzz. That was me last night dozing off because I was bored with the whole human race and their pathetically small aspirations.

What is wrong with people? Does no one aspire to greatness anymore? Does no one want to change the world, or even conquer it in some fashion? We’ve grown from a single cell organism to creatures that travel to outer space and have phones that can reach anyone anywhere on the planet at any time! Our history is filled with dreamers that wanted to achieve greatness just because they could! But this year, I didn’t hear any of them.

Guess what everybody? We only get one New Year beginning every year. Why squander it dreaming small? You know the old saying: “Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss you’ll die without oxygen in the void of space you’ll land among the stars.” If you set some mundane goal, you’ll never be excited about achieving it.

Here are my goals for 2018:

  1. Be chosen as Sexiest Man Alive by People Magazine. Seriously, if Blake Shelton can win it, then it’s obviously open to anyone.
  2. Have one of my books achieve best seller status and sell the movie or TV rights.
  3. Resume doing stand-up comedy. Get my own special on Netflix.
  4. Sit down with Donald Trump and Kim Jong Un and tell them both to grow up and act like adults. Then I will broker a peace treaty between the two countries.
  5. Get all my psychic predictions right and be acknowledged as the world’s greatest psychic who is consulted by world leaders. (This one may have to happen before #4.)

There. That’s how you set goals! Now get off your lazy asses, lose ten pound AND change the world! Are you with me? If you are, put one of your ‘shoot for the moon‘ goals in the comments for all the world to see.

Have a great Monday and an even better 2018! ~Phil

30 responses to “Why YOU Did Your New Year Resolutions Wrong!

  1. Ha!!! Well I wish you well on your journey to smash those goals!!!

  2. My goal? World peace or world domination, I’m easy either way.

  3. My goal? Well, to master the German language and be able to speak in complete sentences to other adults who also speak German. Truthfully, I will settle for being able to understand the bus driver when he talks to me on the bus.

  4. This is so true! Making it hard enough makes it worth it.

  5. You got me moving. Beside all my insipid and selfish goals, I’m going to solve world hunger. Thanks, Phil. I feel so fulfilled now that I have a worthy goal. Happy New Year.

  6. I’ve already done mine in September this year. I’ll be rich when everyone can buy one of my time machines.

  7. Ahhh, Phil, you are certainly setting the bar high but I will try and match you.

  8. Aim high, Phil! But if anyone can achieve world peace, it’s you Phil! ✌🏻👊🏻

  9. I’d love to see your breakdown of how you’re going to achieve those goals.
    Mine are:
    – to go to the moon;
    – to have a bestseller
    – to have the BBC make a historically-accurate TV series of one of my novels

  10. I did do mine wrong! Ok mine is to get Elon Musk to finally rerun my calls and be offered a chance to become a space tourist, which I of course would document on my blog.

  11. Make the world my bitch and eat more sriracha than my husband

  12. Here’s my problem….I want to have goals and I want to succeed at them. Then the Hot Mess Devil steps in and says, “just one more bottle of wine” or “splurge on that sweater. You deserve it.” So I’m going to start tiny and change a few things with my diet and lack of exercise.

  13. Hahaha…@Blake Shelton… this is quite ambitious…! I love it..❤

  14. I had one resolution which was really only a bit of fun idea and I never actually thought I would do it. But I did! During the first few hours of 2018 as well. Go me!

  15. My goals for 2018:

    1. Of course, lose 10 pounds
    2. Stop yelling at my children (definitely a shoot-for-the-moon goal)
    3. Organize the house and keep it that way all year (hahahahaha!!!!)
    4. Earn a million dollars

Leave a Reply