Tag Archives: New Years Resolutions

Throwback Thursday! Why YOU Did Your New Years Resolutions Wrong!

(Jan. 1, 2018) Good morning and welcome to the next year of your life. YOU did your resolutions wrong. Whether you wrote about them online, posted them on Facebook, or just said them aloud to your friends, you did it wrong. “I want to lose ten pounds,” or maybe you said, “I want to be more organized in 2018!”  Perhaps you might have gone the “I’m going to learn something new!” route. Regardless, you were wrong, wrong, WRONG! Yes, that last wrong was said in frustration at you. At the whole human race in fact.

Last night I was watching one of those insipid New Year’s Eve countdown shows and they had clips of about fifteen different celebrities saying their resolutions. These were famous, talented people who have displayed their skills for the world to see. Surely people like this must have grand goals they aspire to, right? Nope. They wanted to lose the same ten pounds as you and “live more in the moment” in 2018. Ugh. Snoozefest. Zzzzzz Zzzzzzz Zzzzzzz. That was me last night dozing off because I was bored with the whole human race and their pathetically small aspirations.

What is wrong with people? Does no one aspire to greatness anymore? Does no one want to change the world, or even conquer it in some fashion? We’ve grown from a single cell organism to creatures that travel to outer space and have phones that can reach anyone anywhere on the planet at any time! Our history is filled with dreamers that wanted to achieve greatness just because they could! But this year, I didn’t hear any of them.

Guess what everybody? We only get one New Year beginning every year. Why squander it dreaming small? You know the old saying: “Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss you’ll die without oxygen in the void of space you’ll land among the stars.” If you set some mundane goal, you’ll never be excited about achieving it.

Here are my goals for 2018:

  1. Be chosen as Sexiest Man Alive by People Magazine. Seriously, if Blake Shelton can win it, then it’s obviously open to anyone.
  2. Have one of my books achieve best seller status and sell the movie or TV rights.
  3. Resume doing stand-up comedy. Get my own special on Netflix.
  4. Sit down with Donald Trump and Kim Jong Un and tell them both to grow up and act like adults. Then I will broker a peace treaty between the two countries.
  5. Get all my psychic predictions right and be acknowledged as the world’s greatest psychic who is consulted by world leaders. (This one may have to happen before #4.)

There. That’s how you set goals! Now get off your lazy asses, lose ten pound AND change the world! Are you with me? If you are, put one of your ‘shoot for the moon‘ goals in the comments for all the world to see.

Have a great Monday and an even better 2018! ~Phil

Why YOU Did Your New Year Resolutions Wrong!

Good morning and welcome to the next year of your life. YOU did your resolutions wrong. Whether you wrote about them online, posted them on Facebook, or just said them aloud to your friends, you did it wrong. “I want to lose ten pounds,” or maybe you said, “I want to be more organized in 2018!”  Perhaps you might have gone the “I’m going to learn something new!” route. Regardless, you were wrong, wrong, WRONG! Yes, that last wrong was said in frustration at you. At the whole human race in fact.

Last night I was watching one of those insipid New Year’s Eve countdown shows and they had clips of about fifteen different celebrities saying their resolutions. These were famous, talented people who have displayed their skills for the world to see. Surely people like this must have grand goals they aspire to, right? Nope. They wanted to lose the same ten pounds as you and “live more in the moment” in 2018. Ugh. Snoozefest. Zzzzzz Zzzzzzz Zzzzzzz. That was me last night dozing off because I was bored with the whole human race and their pathetically small aspirations.

What is wrong with people? Does no one aspire to greatness anymore? Does no one want to change the world, or even conquer it in some fashion? We’ve grown from a single cell organism to creatures that travel to outer space and have phones that can reach anyone anywhere on the planet at any time! Our history is filled with dreamers that wanted to achieve greatness just because they could! But this year, I didn’t hear any of them.

Guess what everybody? We only get one New Year beginning every year. Why squander it dreaming small? You know the old saying: “Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss you’ll die without oxygen in the void of space you’ll land among the stars.” If you set some mundane goal, you’ll never be excited about achieving it.

Here are my goals for 2018:

  1. Be chosen as Sexiest Man Alive by People Magazine. Seriously, if Blake Shelton can win it, then it’s obviously open to anyone.
  2. Have one of my books achieve best seller status and sell the movie or TV rights.
  3. Resume doing stand-up comedy. Get my own special on Netflix.
  4. Sit down with Donald Trump and Kim Jong Un and tell them both to grow up and act like adults. Then I will broker a peace treaty between the two countries.
  5. Get all my psychic predictions right and be acknowledged as the world’s greatest psychic who is consulted by world leaders. (This one may have to happen before #4.)

There. That’s how you set goals! Now get off your lazy asses, lose ten pound AND change the world! Are you with me? If you are, put one of your ‘shoot for the moon‘ goals in the comments for all the world to see.

Have a great Monday and an even better 2018! ~Phil

TBT! The 5 People You’ll Meet In The Gym

It’s that time of year again! Time for many of us to join a gym for three weeks. This is a classic post from 2013 that is always appropriate this time of year.

abb64cb3b05fcc6c6cc88a69c2500098

Was your New Years Resolution to get in better shape? Did you sign up for a gym? You may not know it by looking at me, but I belong to a gym. I think there was a law passed stating that the more popular a gym is, the louder the music has to be. If you were to notice only the music and people on cell phones you’d think you were out at a club. I’ll be damned if I can find someone to give my a beer though. That’s why I fill my water bottle with beer before I go.

There are several categories of people that go to a gym. I think that the smallest number belong to the group of normal people who go to the gym a few times a week just to stay in decent shape. That’s the group I’m in. There are several other types. Which one do you fit in to?

1.  “Three-weekers.” You may be one of these and don’t know it yet. I call them this because they probably won’t use their membership for more than three weeks. You can always spot one of the three-weekers because they are so clueless about exercise that they actually accept the complimentary session with the personal trainer so they can learn how to use the equipment. Another way to spot the three weekers is that you’ll see them sort of drifting around the gym watching people use equipment as if they are watching animals at the zoo. The three weekers do this to try to figure out which pieces of equipment they might be capable of using without becoming a danger to themselves or others.

2.  Locker Room Nudists. Who doesn’t hate these people? These are the people who are obviously way too comfortable with their bodies, and in general they’re usually the people who shouldn’t be. For God’s sake, put on a towel when you walk from the shower back to your locker! And do not, under any circumstances, talk to ME while you are naked. We’re not that intimate!

3. “Women” at the gym. Some of them scare me. When women start doing things like wearing weight belts and bench pressing, doing pull-ups, and curls, I get a little scared about getting too close. I want no part of a pre-menstrual woman who has more muscle mass than me. That is not a safe combination.

b705cbc3042a2946ff2a8cfb3efa2c97

4. “The Bicep Bunch.” Just imagine the theme song, “The Bicep Bunch, the Bicep Bunch, that’s the way we became the Bicep Bunch!” There would be the t.v. screen full of the little picture squares, except instead of looking at each other and smiling they would all be looking at their flexing biceps and smiling. In that scenario I would be Alice. The Bicep Bunch has a uniform too. It consists of work boots, denim jeans and a black muscle shirt. They literally walk around the gym in groups of several guys in this identical outfit. I call them the Bicep Bunch because they’re only interested in working out their upper body in hopes of impressing women. Not that impressing women is a bad goal. For most of these guys though, their bodies are disproportionate. They spend so much time on their upper body and none on their lower body that they just have little stick-like legs. I imagine in a fight they’d be pretty easy to take out if you just “sweep the leg Daniel” they’d fall on their back and like a turtle be stuck that way with their little legs flailing helplessly in the air until the rest of the Bicep Bunch flipped them over.

5. Cell Phone People. I have no freakin’ idea how they can even hear anyone on their cell phones over the din of the music. The only exercise these people are getting is exercising their mouths. I’m sure they can’t do real exercise because they’re so winded from talking. It’s always a temptation to drop a big weight on these dopes. Not that I’m carrying big weights, but maybe I could persude one of the Bicep Bunch to do it for me because after taking out their leader Karate Kid style I am now their king.

If you enjoy what you read please hit the Facebook Like or Share button. If you enjoy my nonsense and want to get a regular reading workout you can subscribe to The Phil Factor on your Kindle or you can order my humorous, books for Kindle, Nook, or iPad, iPod or iPhone.

My Top Ten New Years Resolutions

10.  Punch Edward Snowden in the nose: Because of him the government & NSA are going to change their technology monitoring policies in 2014. Well guess what? I fly to & from somewhere about four times a year. I don’t like the idea that the NSA is less likely to catch some terrorists plans.  Thanks #EdwardSnowden

9.  Go to BobfestMy friend Bob, of the band Slurp Deluxe, has thrown a big party at his house every August for over twenty years. They send out about 200 invitations. It starts at 2:00 on a Saturday afternoon and ends whenever. I went the first 5 years or so and I’d do a stand up set and sing a song with the band. When Bob moved further away, making my drive there about eight hours, I stopped going. Since I started writing books, Bob, his family, and some of his friends have been my best supporters. In fact, if you read The Sneaker Tree, my inclusion of the character names Bolo and Scott is a shout out to Bob and his brother. I’d like to go and thank everyone personally.

8. Make more crop circles: Who doesn’t love crop circles like this one that just showed up in a field in California yesterday? If you see a mysterious crop circle show up somewhere in 2014 I want everyone to think one thing…Phil

crop-circle-thumbnail2

7.  Take more ‘selfies’: 2013 was The Year of Me.  Not me Phil, but me everybody and the selfie is the symptom. Kik, Snapchat, Instagram are all just different ways to take more selfies. As a society could we be anymore ego-centric? Then again, I guess it’s not a new thing. The cave paintings were just pre-historic selfies. Maybe I’ll take selfies of the crop circles I make that look like my head.

6. Have a crazy meltdown/fiasco: All the celebrities are doing it and they seem to get rewarded with more fame. Unfortunately, the most public stage on which I have to put my meltdown on display is this blog. Once I figure out how to embarrass myself publicly, you’ll be the first to know.

5. Live: It may not sound like much, but at the beginning of each year I set a goal to still be alive at the end of that year. I think it’s important to clearly state that as an expectation just in case there is real karma or other forces in the universe that might be omnipotent and influential. I’ve got a great streak going and I have no plans to end it in 2014.

4. Start my New Years Resolution list earlier: Had I started working on this much sooner that 6:00 a.m. today, like maybe a day or two ago, I’m sure this would be far more entertaining. Thanks for sticking with me this long. I’m hoping my top 3 will be better than this one.

3. An end to all reality TV: Whether it be by my election as President, Pope, or Sexiest Man Alive, or just through a popular, shared blog post I want to bring an end to idiotic reality TV shows. I’m not sure it’s possible to dumb down our society any more. Yeah, I know that if I don’t like something I don’t have to watch it, but shows that don’t feature stupid people in captivity are getting fewer and fewer.

2.  I will not “pay it forward” with coffee. Great everybody, it’s a nice sentiment to pay for the coffee of the person in the car behind you, but how about paying it forward by donating that money to a charitable organization instead of to a soccer mom getting her Starbucks fix?

1. 2014: The Year of Engagement: Like I said, 2013 has been The Year of Me for all of us. Selfies, blogs, reality TV are all just ways people draw attention to themselves. I want 2014 to be The Year of Engagement for me. I’m not getting married, I want to engage more with others. I’m going to try to end each blog post with a question and ask more questions on my Facebook page instead of just force feeding people their daily dose of Phil.

As always, if you enjoy #ThePhilFactor please share by the Facebook or Twitter buttons below or by reblogging. Like I said, I’m ending on a question. In the comments, what is your most important personal resolution for 2014?