The People At Your Super Bowl Party

I don’t know these people

We may be going to different Super Bowl parties this weekend, but a lot of the people at our parties will be eerily similar and equally irritating. Read on and see if you can identify these folks at your party this Sunday. If you can’t, you’re probably one of them.

The Gambler: He may know when to hold’em but he doesn’t know when to fold’em or when to shut up. This guy always wants you to know the “over/under” and how much he’s got riding on the game. And he spends most of the game fuming and stomping around every time an officials “b.s.” call threatens to upset the point spread he wants. He usually has a “prop bet” on the coin toss too. Unfortunately if the game doesn’t go his way The Gambler turns into The Belligerent Drunk. That is unless the black lab covers the spread in his bet on The Puppy Bowl.

toshcc.com

toshcc.com

The Referee: This tool has to explain every official ruling on the field as if he’s calculating a quadratic equation. He’ll usually say something like: “Well that was an illegal formation because the half-caff flanker position moved from a three point stance to a two point stance without waiting for a pause in the snap count while the rigamarole motion was ad infinitum. Now normally the refs would let that go but because of the down and distance and clock situation they were forced to call it.” Yeah thanks coach, I can’t imagine why you don’t win your fantasy football league every year.

The Commercial Lover: I hate to stereotype, but this is usually a woman. We all know her. She has no clue about what teams are in the game and often thinks that one teams “costumes are pretty.”  She usually says, “Oh I love the Super Bowl because of the commercials. I heard this year that Doritos and Coca Cola combined  for a commercial where The Pope break dances with a 3-D video of Michael Jackson. Oh wait, wait, wait, QUIET EVERYBODY, I think this is it. SHHHHH…I want to see this one. Did you see that? That was so funny! Oh my god! BEST Super Bowl commercial EVER!” Usually I’m secretly rooting for the drunk, belligerent gambler to spill his beer on her.

joyreactor.com

joyreactor.com

Team Jersey Guy: This guy arrives at the party first and only brings a bag of chips. He grabs a beer and immediately plants his un-athletic physique in the recliner directly across from the television an hour before kick off and won’t leave that seat until the game is over. If you’re the homeowner you might as well just haul that chair out to the curb after the game. You won’t want to keep it.  He doesn’t even get up to get another beer. “Oh, hey, if you’re going out to the kitchen could you grab me a brewski?” Once he’s settled in he’s almost as bad as The Gambler. Team Jersey Guy is also the pleasant guy who tries to wave your children out of the way if they walk in front of the t.v. during the game and you swear his head will explode if one of the kids even mentions switching the channel to The Puppy Bowl.

Contributions From the Peanut Gallery: Because I got several great suggestions in the comments when I posted this last year, I’m going to add them here and credit their contributors.

The Phone Clutcher:  Every party has a pooper– and he or she is usually that person whose gaze is on his or her smart phone, more often than it is upon the TV screen. They get noticeably antsy when told to put their phones down, and often can be found in dusty corners hugging the only thing they care about in the room. Why they go to these parties, I have never figured out. This spot on contribution came for Ally of The Spectacled Bean. Go visit her blog. She’s always interesting.

The Grazers: The grazers are the guys who don’t talk or interact with the rest. They just keep filling their plate and wandering around the house with no reason to be there other than the food. This great one is from John Howell of Fiction Favorites. Go visit John, he’s always got some great writing going on.

The Hater: The person who comes for the “party” and doesn’t care about the game, and proceeds to complain about the game the whole time. They’re always trying to get someone to play cards with them or something. This one is from Dr. Meg Sorick who still believes the Steelers got gypped. Her blog deserves a visit because she writes better than she dresses.

If you have any other suggestions for Super Bowl party people please add them in the comments. This list will evolve every year based on your suggestions. Even my friends from other countries can play! Feel free to add suggestions from your experience at football parties of your own.

This year be sure to look for The Phil Factor commercial during the halftime show. If you miss that, feel free to share this to other social media using the buttons below. Have a great weekend! ~ Phil

10 responses to “The People At Your Super Bowl Party

  1. I have an added category for you, and I am a little ashamed to admit this party goer is my husband. The European guy who talks trash about American Football through the whole game. He proudly reports that Rugby is a true sport, where they don’t need pads to plan like real men. And, how dare they even call this football?? Then he will launch into what “real” football is, while all of the American men want to drown him in the guacamole. PS, I only took him to one Super Bowl party, we didn’t get invited back. LOL

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Holy Crap. It’s like you’ve been to my house…I’m pretty much ALL these people, except for the smarmy European ass-wipe. And grab me a brewski while you’re up.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Great guest list. It’s why I don’t go to Super Bowl parties anymore. That and I don’t really have any friends to speak of, but that’s okay. Fly Eagles fly,
    On the road to victory,
    Fight Eagles fight,
    Score a touchdown one…two…three,
    Hit ‘em low,
    Hit ‘em high,
    And watch our Eagles fly,
    Fly Eagles fly,
    On the road to VIC-TOR-Y,
    E…A…G…L…E…S
    EAGLES!!!
    On Monday morning I’ll be able to laugh at those miserable fake Cowboys fans.

    Liked by 2 people

  4. Pingback: Ask J-Dub – Episode Ten: The Super Duper Bowl 2018 | Dubsism

  5. Thanks for the mention, Phil. I still laugh at the recliner out on the curb after the guy spends five hours in it. 😀

    Liked by 1 person

  6. I used to be the Commercial Lover. You know, back when the commercials were worth watching. And before you couldn’t just find them online if you really cared THAT much. Now I’m the one who knows there’s a game on tonight but doesn’t have cable or the will to figure out how to live stream it, but who will totally buy a bunch of terrible-for-you food and use the Super Bowl as an excuse to eat it all in one sitting alone in the comfort of her own home. And by “alone,” I mean, “with my husband who gives an equal number of fucks about the game.” This is in large part because I hate the The Party Host Who Gets Pissed If You Favor a Different Team. You know that guy. The one who can’t take a joke if you teasingly cheer for the team he doesn’t want to win. The one who says that if you’re drinking HIS booze and eating HIS food, you have to go for HIS team, otherwise get out of HIS goddamn house. That guy.

    Liked by 1 person

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