(3/27/13) We’ve all seen the ads for e-harmony.com, the internet site that allows you to meet your perfect match after a questionnaire rates you on 29 personality variables. What?!!? I’m a guy. I’m pretty sure guys don’t even have 29 personality variables! I have maybe 4 tops. Now for women, I don’t think 29 personality variables is enough. In fact most women seem to have more than 29 complete personalities.
The old crackpot that runs that site has got to be making a fortune. His kindly, old, grandfatherly, “I want to help you meet your perfect partner” schtick is sucking people in like an emotional, and financial, black hole. Well I want part of that gravy train. I’m younger, smarter, and more in touch with what the young, single internet daters are interested in.
First of all, if you’re someone who uses the internet regularly, you don’t have the attention span to answer a long quiz. In fact, I’m sure most of you think I’ve rambled enough already today. Stick with me my lovelorn friends. Secondly, my personality quiz won’t waste time evaluating the unimportant, nit-picky personality characteristics like humor and intelligence. If you’re paying an internet site to find you a date then you’re already way past being picky about the little things. My quiz will just hit the high points. Even if you’re not looking for love on the web, you can use this quiz when meeting new dates. Here is the entire Phil-Harmony.com compatibility quiz:
1. Are you married?
2. Have you ever seen a Twilight or Star Wars movie at the theater within one week of its release?
3. How many pets do you live with? (a good follow up question might be “how many are still living?”)
4. During sex, have you ever requested something that caused your partner to break up with you and/or call the authorities?
5. Are your parents or grandparents biological siblings?
6. Would a lawyer be notified if we were within 500 feet or your ex?
7. How do you feel about the right to bear arms?
If the person you’re speaking with answers “yes” or “more than one” to any or all of these questions then run for your life. If they answer no to all of them, or if you’re really tired of looking, at least a majority of them, then anything else is just minor details you can live with.
If you’re interested in a long term commitment with me you can click my Facebook “Like” button up there on the right and you can follow me or subscribe to The Phil Factor by e-mail or on your Kindle.
All of my personality variables come with the label “disorder” attatched. I also don’t trust that e-harmony guy. I swear he’s hiding something.
Thank you Kelly!
Laugh out loud funny, Phil
I already thought we had a long term committed relationship!
Well of course! I just wrote this for everyone else!
LoL, so funny!!
Not here. Didn’t read any posts. Or laugh at this one. Which will definitely not be printed & shared with anyone. (We don’t often online share in this, my attempted non-virtual life. We actually use moving body parts other than fingers to communicate. Still missing you all, though, and your pieces.)