Tag Archives: Throwback Thursday

TBT! Frozen! So You’re Telling Me There’s a Chance!

(09/03/2016) No! Not that stupid Disney Frozen movie! Although that might be Elsa in one of those tubes in the picture. We can only hope, right?  Speaking of Disney, did you know that it’s only a myth that Walt Disney was cryogenically frozen so that he could be revived when they discover a cure for what ever killed him. He was actually buried traditionally. Sucker! Death is for quitters. That’s not me of course. By hook or by crook I plan to avoid death. OK, maybe not by crook. It seems like crooking to live forever would engender some bad mojo or karma.

“Remember my name. Fame! I’m gonna live forever!

I’m gonna learn how to fly–high!” ~ Phil and the cast of Fame

Yes, my blog will live on in perpetuity because I’ve scheduled a post for 100 years in the future, but I want to be there to respond to the comments. My plan to live forever is two-fold: First, I refuse to believe that I will ever pass away like regular people. It’s never happened to me, so I have no evidence that it ever will. If the time ever comes where my body begins to fail, I will just refuse to go.

Secondly, I’m going to name a cryogenic company as the beneficiary for my life insurance. Before you think I’m crazy, um…crazier, don’t laugh. Others have done this already. Some are celebrities, but many are regular people. In fact, a 23 year old woman with cancer did it in January of 2013, hoping to be revived in the future when her cancer could be cured. This is her:

Now I know that most of you think I’m just some idiot on the internet with a blog, and that may be true, but I find this story amazing. Not only is it full of hope, but bravery as well. This young woman looked at her imminent death and just said, “Nope. Not gonna do it.” She saw the infinite chasm that is death facing her and decided to put on a life jacket and go for a swim, hoping that in the future science would throw her one of those life preserver rings and pull her back to the shore of the living. Man those millenials kick ass, don’t they?

It’s like that scene in Dumb and Dumber where one of the two dopes asks a girl out and she says his chances are one in a million and he replies, “So you’re telling me there’s a chance!”

dumb

You know what? I’ll take that chance any day. One in a million is infinitely better than zero in a million. As the sage prophet Wayne Gretzy once said, “You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take.” Right now there are 330 or more people all over the world cryogenically frozen waiting for their future. There are many, many more who have signed up but haven’t passed away yet. Here’s what I want to hear: In the poll below vote for if you would or wouldn’t want to be frozen in hopes of a future cure and in the comments, explain your choice.

Have a great Thursday! (and buy my new book on Amazon right after you do the poll. Seriously, it’s funny and suspenseful) ~Phil

TBT! It’s The End of The World As we Know It…

Because the solar eclipse earlier this week brought out a few “end of the world” zealots, I thought I’d repost this classic Phil Factor from 2009 just to remind everyone that we have nothing to worry about. The world’s not going to end until 4077.

(Oct. 13, 2009) “It’s the end of the world as we know it, and I feel fine.”–R.E.M.

The Mayan calendar ends on December 21, 2012. Many people believe this is a prophecy of the end of the world. First of all if the world ends on December 21st that will seriously put a crimp in my birthday party plans for two days later. The new movie, 2012 coming to a theater near you in November, has whipped the apocalypse zealots into a frenzy and scared school children everywhere.

In the news yesterday a current day Mayan leader said, “Dude, seriously, I am so sick of hearing about this. If the world does end, don’t try and pin it on us. Damn, did you ever think that maybe the guy making the caledar just died, got laid off, or was fired for stealing office supplies?” I may be paraphrasing a bit, but that was generally the gist of what he said. He also pointed out that in some other carved-in-stone tablets another Mayan referenced the year 4077. He didn’t reference a specific day, but I’ll be pretty damn mad if the world ends right before my birthday again.

My cell phone, pda, and computer all have calendar functions and all of their calendars go past Dec. 21, 2012 so there’s all the proof you need that the world is not going to end in 3 years. In fact, I have written a post and dated it to be released to my blog for Dec. 22, 2012. Suck on that you Mayan calendar nutjobs.

Ok, back to the present. See? Someone always believes the Earth is going to end and it never does. How funny is it that I mentioned a PDA in that 8 year old blog post? Who remembers PDA’s? Just remember, as long as Bruce Willis and #ThePhilFactor are around, the world is safe. Have a great Thursday! ~Phil

Throwback Thursday! An Open Letter To Vespa Dude

Here is a classic Phil Factor from August 2008. Enjoy!

Dear Vespa Dude,

You are SO not cool. I don’t care if you wear a leather jacket and helmet with dark visor, that does not make your scooter a motorcycle. I don’t care if you get 80 miles to the gallon of gas. After two weeks of riding your Vespa, the savings should allow you to buy a real motorcycle or maybe even a car. You’re an adult and you’re riding a SCOOTER! Let that sink in for a moment… If you had any minuscule shot at getting a date with an actual real life woman, your scooter just killed that. Unless Al Gore has a really hot daughter who cares about the environment as much as you do, you’re not going to find a woman who wants to be taken out to dinner on a…SCOOTER. (As an aside, Jenna Bush is a smokin’ hottie and I’d vote for her dad for a third term if she got to be on tv more because of it)

And by the way, if your vehicle has a top speed of 30 mph, get the hell off the road. You don’t belong in my way. Just because you have a tiny license plate, like the ones I tied on the back of my bike when I was 8, doesn’t mean you should be on the road. While you’re at it why don’t you just clip some baseball cards to the spokes so your Vespa almost sounds like a motorcycle. In fact, because your 30 mph ass is in my lane I have to go slower and take longer, burning more gas and thus negating any benefit to the world you thought you were providing by riding your SCOOTER. I’d like to put my big carbon footprint right up your scooter riding ass.

Whew, it’s been a long time since I got off a good rant on here. This time I’m honestly hoping to get back to blogging at least once a week. Thanks for coming back.
Phil

Have a great Thursday! ~Phil

#Throwback Thursday! Who Let The Dogs Out?

This post is a throwback from a very interesting day in my life ten years ago. It came up because Michael Vick was in the news again today as there has been some public backlash to his university inducting him into their sports Hall of Fame. Those of you in the United States will no doubt remember the 2007 news story of the professional football player who ran a dog fighting ring.

(August 27, 2007) So I get sent to Richmond, Virginia for a two week training to prepare me for my new job. I’ve been here since the 19th. This morning I walked out of my hotel room and right into the middle of biggest news story of the day. I went down to the second floor where we have breakfast and start our training at 8 a.m. As I get down there another employee says, “Did you hear the rumor that Michael Vick is staying here? It’s probably just an urban myth.” I agreed, although I’m in a fairly nice hotel only three blocks from the Richmond courthouse.

At 9:30 during a break in training I went up to my room to get something. As I came out of my room an older gentleman in a suit exited the elevator in front of me and opened the door of the room next to mine. As he did so I heard the voice of an African-American man before the door closed. I went downstairs only to return a few minutes later after the wheels in my head started to turn. As I returned three men in suits exited the room next to mine and headed towards the elevator and I overheard one say, “Court should take about an hour.” After this I observe a hotel employee talking on a walkie-talkie, using the phrase “Room____ is a VIP room for today.” Now the light bulb went on over my head! I went downstairs and went back to my training.

About two hours later we got another break and as I exited the conference room a steady stream of men with cameras and microphones began to hurry past me towards the conference room across the hall from mine. So I got into the line. It was the Michael Vick press conference. As I walked to the line filing into the press conference I passed George Thorogood, the singer, talking to one of my co-workers. He was as curious as the rest of us. In addition to the press, spectators began to file into the hotel lobby. Some had religious shirts encouraging Michael Vick to repent. A family with young children came in carrying signs saying “We Love you” A co-worker of mine began to almost shout at the children, “You love him? How can you say that? He hung dogs!”

So me, Michael Vick, George Thorogood, and hordes of media were all here today. Needless to say, I had to answer a lot of questions about my blog.

TBT! Could Healthy, Organic Foods Be Killing You? Probably.

(Sept. 6, 2014) The answer is of course! If you hit anyone hard enough with a cantaloupe it would probably kill them. The question is are health foods killing you slowly and insidiously the way health food advocates claim that all those so called “unhealthy” foods are?

squashsquares

See that picture? Notice the smiling cartoon children? Of course they’re cartoon children! You can’t get real children to smile about squash for breakfast! I’m calling Child Protective Services on anyone who buys this for their kids.

A clinical study that I would do if I had the time would show that healthy, organic foods are killing us little by little, emotionally and maybe physically. In an article I found online anthropologist Rachel Caspari said that by examining Neanderthal dental records, her team established that 130,000 years ago, ‘no-one survived past 30. At least I think that’s what she was saying. I didn’t want to read further in case she presented some alleged facts that wouldn’t support my point.

And what is my point? My point is that 130,000 years ago nobody was frying stuff, nobody was adding antibiotics to anything and nobody was giving cows steroids, and guess what? They didn’t live past 30. So back when all we ate was organic foods nobody lived very long. Then when we started adding additives, preservatives and trans fats around 1900 or so the average human lifespan in many developed countries has extended to 80 or better.

See that picture? “Chickenless” nuggets? Just knowing they exist made my soul die a little bit. Take a moment to imagine a life where you wake up, grab a cup of Fair Trade, Organically Grown Coffee, pour yourself a bowl of Banana Squash Squares for breakfast and then, after a long, hard day of work, you come home to a dinner of “Chickenless” nuggets made from textured wheat protein. Maybe later with a glass of organic wine you’ll munch on some flax seeds. Did any of you feel happy when you imagined that scenario? No! Of course not. Health food is bad for your soul. Now picture swinging by Starbucks in the morning to grab a brownie and a tall Mocha Cookie Crumble Frappuccino. Then for lunch you grab a juicy burger and fries. When you return home maybe you eat a little healthy by having some nice salmon, but when you settle down later you top the day off with a couple chocolate chip cookies. How did you feel when you thought about that day? Much better right? So called “bad” food is good for your soul.

Also, if nuggets were to forever be chicken-less, would the chicken population explode and civilized areas would be overrun by chickens running around without having their heads cut off? That’s the apocalypse scenario I’m worried about. Zombie chickens!

Picture credit: play.google.com

Picture credit: play.google.com

So, in summary, if you eat too much “healthy” food you won’t live as long or feel as happy, and you would cause us to be overrun by chickens. Is that what you want?

So what are your favorite indulgent foods that make you feel better at the end of a rough day? What are the worst healthy foods you’ve ever seen or eaten? As always, if you enjoy #ThePhilFactor feel free to share by hitting the Facebook, Twitter, or re-blog button below. Have a great weekend! ~Phil

Throwback Thursday! The President Might Kill Me

(Feb. 9, 2013) He’s probably not trying to kill me right now, but he might. And he could, and it would be legal. I’m sure President Obama wouldn’t be the first to think about killing me, but he’s probably the first that could do it legally by remote control plane. Earlier this week the Obama administration re-affirmed a Bush era policy that gives the President the right to unilaterally decide to kill someone that might be a threat to the country in the future.  If you need more factual information than I’ll ever provide you can read about it here: http://www.cnn.com/2013/02/07/us/drones-classified-document/index.html

Sure my little Barack Obama jokes on my blog may seem cute, but what if Barry gets his panties in a bunch and decides that I’m trying to lead an uprising? I won’t debate the pros or cons of the policy, but I will say as a “guy” that it is a seriously awesome policy. We get to sit home playing Call of Duty while Barack by virtue of his job gets to play it for real. Part of the policy leaked to the public this week indicated that Barack Obama could use drone planes to assassinate anyone he thought might be a threat to U.S. security. Drone planes! Seriously, how cool is that? I wonder if he has a Playstation controller in his desk drawer that he takes out.

Now if he’s picking off al-Queda operatives I’m cool with that. But what if he gets some bad info? Or worse yet, what if somewhere out there some terrorist has the same name as me? Sure, the chances of that are fairly small, but it could happen. How can I rest easy knowing that Barack could be scrolling through the online White Pages and click on the wrong Phil Taylor when he’s targeting the drone? Or what if Barack decides to take a night off, gets all liquored up, checks Michelle’s browser history and finds that she’s been visiting my blog just a little too often? That is exactly when we need a little bit of the old checks and balances system.

I’m pretty sure that my ADT security system won’t be much help if a drone flies in my front door and tries to drop a smart bomb in my pants. It won’t matter where I am if Barry decides that me or my blog are a threat to the country. I’m pretty sure that if Dominos can find me in 30 minutes or less the Air Force can GPS the hell out of my cell phone and find me no matter where I am.

I’d just like to say a big hello to all the wonderful CIA and FBI operatives reading this today. Welcome to The Phil Factor! Think about this: the CIA and FBI monitor “internet chatter” to find threats to U.S. security. I assume that they probably have some internet filter that grabs onto anything with certain keywords they’ve programmed it to look for. In the course of this blog I’ve used the words President Obama, kill, smart bomb, al-Queda, threat and Michelle.

In the event that I’m killed by a drone plane or I mysteriously “disappear” please keep #ThePhilFactor spirit alive by hitting the Facebook Like or Share buttons. Also, I’m still on my quest to have my novel White Picket Prisons gross more than the $264 that Christian Slater’s movie Playback did, so if you haven’t, please buy my book for your Kindle, Nook, or iPad for only $2.99. You can also keep up with all my writing hijinks including contests by following my Facebook page at https://www.facebook.com/pages/Phil-Taylor/331876066920144

Btw, this is me talking in present time. Not part of the Throwback post anymore. I don’t care who any of you voted for. Just please don’t make President Trump aware of this policy. If he knew that he could use drones to kill anyone at any time…

Have a great Thursday! ~Phil

TBT! The Clown Whisperer

(Aug. 7, 2007) Yesterday started out normally enough and then I saw the first clown. Yes, I said the first clown. There is no circus in town. There was no parade yesterday. But there he was, in front of the guitar store waiting for a ride. He sat on the bench and carefully arranged his clown suitcase and his other clown accoutrements in front of him as he waited. I became self-conscious that he might notice me staring even though I was watching him in my rear view mirror. He appeared to look in my direction, right at my rear view mirror and into my soul. A chill crept across my heart. I looked down for a moment, fearful that he was returning my gaze and I’d suddenly be mesmerized by his piercing stare. Then when I looked up again he was gone. It was so sudden that I wasn’t certain he’d ever been there. There was no car pulling away. No trail of endless brightly colored handkerchiefs as he walked away. Just nothing. He was…gone.

 
Later in the day I was driving home from running some errands and as I stopped at a traffic light I looked at the car turning left, crossing the intersection in front of me. What I saw looking back at me was unbelieveable. Two clowns in a car. Yep, only two. But they were clowns in full makeup looking at me as they passed. “WTF,” I thought. And then they were gone, just like the other one.
Why? Why are all these clowns showing up? What is the meaning? Why are they following me? As far as omens go, this can’t be a good one. Randomly seeing three clowns in one day with no circus or parade going on? That is effing weird. Enjoy your coulrophobia! Have a great Thursday! ~Phil