Tag Archives: Throwback Thursday

TBT! Happy Diwali! or दीपावली की हार्दिक शुभकामनाएं !

In the “States” and many other countries we’re all excited about Halloween, but we’re overlooking a big holiday tomorrow. Because of the continued popularity of my post Real Sexting Conversations to Read in Hindi? I thought I would branch out my humorous holiday coverage to include the Hindu holiday of #Diwali, which is tomorrow. Before we go any further, Hindi is the language that is spoken by most, or is it moist, people in India? Let’s face it, everyone in India is probably moist all the time. It’s more overpopulated than Miami during Spring break and the average winter temp in India is 107 degrees Fahrenheit (42 C). Ok, Hindi is a language and Hindu is a religion. You can speak Hindi without being Hindu and vice-versa, but most people who speak Hindi happen to be Hindu.

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I figured that because so many Hindi people also visit my site for dating advice, like I gave in my post How Ron Burgundy Will Save Hindi Sex , that I would continue to court their growing influence in the blogosphere by writing about one of their biggest holidays. For the rest of you, here is some info to help you understand why this is such a big holiday: Diwali, or Deepavali, as it is sometimes called, (look, I know there are a lot of people in India, but why can’t you all agree on one name for the holiday? The rest of us have Christmas period. We don’t call it anything else.) is the Festival of Lights. It’s a celebration of light over darkness, or good over evil. Good over evil? Awesome. Who isn’t down with that, right? It’s like having a Batman holiday. It’s also an official holiday not just in India, but in eleven other countries. Let’s face it, if you’re not down with Diwali then you ain’t jolly. I’m pretty sure that’s going to be a saying in India.

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Why would you need “eye health safety tips for Diwali”? Because it’s like our Fourth of July/Independence Day in the States. On Diwali, all the Hindus get lit! They don’t get lit in the sense of drinking a lot, or do they? I imagine that the Feni will be flowing freely in Mumbai tomorrow as they celebrate the Festival of Lights by lighting candles and fireworks until the wee hours of the morning. Something like one tenth of the Earth’s population is in India, nobody has more than 6 inches of personal space, and on one day each year they all start fires. I don’t see how that could possibly go wrong! The fire departments in India earn their keep on Diwali. There are literally tons of fire accidents on Diwali, so read this article to help you stay safe and alive tomorrow. No one wants to leave Diwali in a funeral trolley. That’s not a saying in India yet, but mark my Hindi words, this time next year some marketing dude in India is going to make this the tag line for a public service announcement.  Here it is in Hindi: कोई भी एक अंतिम संस्कार ट्राली में दीवाली छोड़ना चाहता है. And tomorrow, someone in India who reads this will say it to their friends moments before one of them blows off a finger or two with firecrackers.

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I love the angry baby memes. I wonder if one day in 20 years we’ll see a picture of the angry baby then and now. Anyway, for those of you who are not Hindu, I hope you learned a little more about another culture today and for all my Hindi speaking readers, if you drink too much don’t get into a brawly on Diwali. Yeah, I could do this all day. दीपावली की हार्दिक शुभकामनाएं ! <–That may or may not be me and my Hindi readers making fun of the rest of you. For all you Netflix watchers, go look up The Office episode about Diwali. Very funny. Have a great weekend! ~Phil

Throwback Thursday! I Ain’t Afraid of No Ghost!

There’s two things I’m not sure if I believe in, ghosts and death. Well, I’m sure I don’t believe in my own death, and if by chance it does happen, I plan to overcome it by becoming a ghost. I’m sure you’re thinking to yourself What a weirdo! Hey, relax on the judgement there. I’m contractually bound to comeback after death, if I have one, a death that is.

Contractually bound? Yup. Nothing I can do about it now. It was many years ago in college. One night myself and two friends were drinking some adult beverages. You know how when you’re young, like 20 or so and you think you’re really deep even though you’re really idiots who don’t know anything? We had imbibed a few and got to talking about death and the afterlife.

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We all were curious to know if there really was life after death, so right then and there we Googled and then re-enacted a centuries old Druid ceremony complete with a circle of salt, candles under a full moon and signing a pact with our own blood, which was flowing easily because of the alcohol we had been drinking. Ok, no we didn’t, but I had you going there for a second, didn’t I? There was no blood signed contract, and there was also no Google when I was in college, but we did make a promise to each other that whichever one of us died first would come back and haunt the other two so we would know that there’s life after death.

I don’t know where those two college friends are now and don’t even remember ones last name. Hopefully, because of our vow, some sort of afterlife mojo will help us find each other to keep our promise. As far as I know, none of us has ever shown up to haunt the others. With Halloween in the air I got to thinking of this and what else I might do if I were to be a ghost.

Stars DEMI MOORE and PATRICK SWAYZE. Licenced by Channel 5 Broacasting. Contact Five Stills: 0207 550 5583/5509/5544. Free for editorial press and listings use in connection with the current broadcast of Channel 5 programmes only. This. image may only be reproduced with the prior written consent of Channel 5. All rights reserved. Not for any form of advertising, internet use or in connection with the sale of any product.

I know this may be hard for you to believe, but in my life I’ve been a bit of a practical joker at times. I’m pretty sure that if I ever come back  as a ghost I’m not going to take off my shirt and help anyone with pottery. Jeez, what a waste of an afterlife. I’ll probably be what we all know as a poltergeist. I’ll move a lot of peoples car keys just before they have to leave for work. During live televised events I’ll show up invisibly and give the President or the Pope a wet willie. I’ll be on the field at all my favorite live sporting events, helping out a little to ensure my favorite teams win. You know that feeling you get when you feel like someone’s behind you but you turn around and no one’s there? That’ll be me.  Who knows? Ghost Phil may even zip into the internet and follow the connection to your computer and cause embarrassing typos when you’re posting pictures.

So do you believe in life after death? Do you think there are real ghosts? Have you ever had an experience with what you think was a ghost? What would you do if you were a ghost?

Have a great Thursday, and no, you don’t have enough Halloween decorations up yet! ~Phil

TBT! The Guy Code of Conduct: Public Bathroom Etiquette

I went way way back in time for this one. This post is from October of 2006. I used to have an intermittent series of posts called The Guy Code of Conduct. This was one of the more popular ones.

Toilet sign – men, women, hipsters

(10/2/2006) As is well known, women have the “never go to a public restroom alone” rule. Women also have several other rules devoted to their bathroom habits, but to imply that I know them would say something bad about me. I’m not sure what, but I’m pretty sure it wouldn’t be good. Despite what women believe, we are not complete barbarians. There are some rules we live by when it comes time to answer the call of nature. In fact, The Guy Code of Conduct has an entire chapter devoted entirely to how, when, and where men eliminate metabolic waste. Here are some of those rules:

1. If you are intoxicated and it is after dark, it is entirely acceptable to urinate anywhere outdoors, just look out for other men who also might be out there urinating in the dark.

2. In a public restroom never use the urinal immediately next to another man if it is possible to go elsewhere, like two urinals down the row, in a stall, or in the sink. Whenever possible you must attempt to keep a three foot buffer zone between you and other urinating men.

3. In a public restroom never use the urinal next to another man unless there is at least one of those little dividers. If there is no divider and the stalls or sinks are full, just wait your turn.

4. If you are using a urinal immediately next to another man just stare straight ahead and do not speak.

5. Speaking while urinating is allowed under only two circumstances: a) if two men are peeing outside and there is an appropriate buffer zone between them, or b) if two men are using urinals and there is a divider and one empty urinal between them.

6. Things you should never pee on: the fire, electric fences, other men, women, your food. (This rule was first written by two cavemen named Ed and Thog during the Jurassic period and originally only included the reference to the fire. Over the years through trial and error the list was expanded to include the other items.)

There is also an index in the back of The Guy Code of Conduct which includes world records involving urination, such as distance, from the greatest height, volume, off of famous landmarks etc.

Have a great Thursday! ~Phil

TBT! Frozen! So You’re Telling Me There’s a Chance!

(09/03/2016) No! Not that stupid Disney Frozen movie! Although that might be Elsa in one of those tubes in the picture. We can only hope, right?  Speaking of Disney, did you know that it’s only a myth that Walt Disney was cryogenically frozen so that he could be revived when they discover a cure for what ever killed him. He was actually buried traditionally. Sucker! Death is for quitters. That’s not me of course. By hook or by crook I plan to avoid death. OK, maybe not by crook. It seems like crooking to live forever would engender some bad mojo or karma.

“Remember my name. Fame! I’m gonna live forever!

I’m gonna learn how to fly–high!” ~ Phil and the cast of Fame

Yes, my blog will live on in perpetuity because I’ve scheduled a post for 100 years in the future, but I want to be there to respond to the comments. My plan to live forever is two-fold: First, I refuse to believe that I will ever pass away like regular people. It’s never happened to me, so I have no evidence that it ever will. If the time ever comes where my body begins to fail, I will just refuse to go.

Secondly, I’m going to name a cryogenic company as the beneficiary for my life insurance. Before you think I’m crazy, um…crazier, don’t laugh. Others have done this already. Some are celebrities, but many are regular people. In fact, a 23 year old woman with cancer did it in January of 2013, hoping to be revived in the future when her cancer could be cured. This is her:

Now I know that most of you think I’m just some idiot on the internet with a blog, and that may be true, but I find this story amazing. Not only is it full of hope, but bravery as well. This young woman looked at her imminent death and just said, “Nope. Not gonna do it.” She saw the infinite chasm that is death facing her and decided to put on a life jacket and go for a swim, hoping that in the future science would throw her one of those life preserver rings and pull her back to the shore of the living. Man those millenials kick ass, don’t they?

It’s like that scene in Dumb and Dumber where one of the two dopes asks a girl out and she says his chances are one in a million and he replies, “So you’re telling me there’s a chance!”

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You know what? I’ll take that chance any day. One in a million is infinitely better than zero in a million. As the sage prophet Wayne Gretzy once said, “You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take.” Right now there are 330 or more people all over the world cryogenically frozen waiting for their future. There are many, many more who have signed up but haven’t passed away yet. Here’s what I want to hear: In the poll below vote for if you would or wouldn’t want to be frozen in hopes of a future cure and in the comments, explain your choice.

Have a great Thursday! (and buy my new book on Amazon right after you do the poll. Seriously, it’s funny and suspenseful) ~Phil

TBT! It’s The End of The World As we Know It…

Because the solar eclipse earlier this week brought out a few “end of the world” zealots, I thought I’d repost this classic Phil Factor from 2009 just to remind everyone that we have nothing to worry about. The world’s not going to end until 4077.

(Oct. 13, 2009) “It’s the end of the world as we know it, and I feel fine.”–R.E.M.

The Mayan calendar ends on December 21, 2012. Many people believe this is a prophecy of the end of the world. First of all if the world ends on December 21st that will seriously put a crimp in my birthday party plans for two days later. The new movie, 2012 coming to a theater near you in November, has whipped the apocalypse zealots into a frenzy and scared school children everywhere.

In the news yesterday a current day Mayan leader said, “Dude, seriously, I am so sick of hearing about this. If the world does end, don’t try and pin it on us. Damn, did you ever think that maybe the guy making the caledar just died, got laid off, or was fired for stealing office supplies?” I may be paraphrasing a bit, but that was generally the gist of what he said. He also pointed out that in some other carved-in-stone tablets another Mayan referenced the year 4077. He didn’t reference a specific day, but I’ll be pretty damn mad if the world ends right before my birthday again.

My cell phone, pda, and computer all have calendar functions and all of their calendars go past Dec. 21, 2012 so there’s all the proof you need that the world is not going to end in 3 years. In fact, I have written a post and dated it to be released to my blog for Dec. 22, 2012. Suck on that you Mayan calendar nutjobs.

Ok, back to the present. See? Someone always believes the Earth is going to end and it never does. How funny is it that I mentioned a PDA in that 8 year old blog post? Who remembers PDA’s? Just remember, as long as Bruce Willis and #ThePhilFactor are around, the world is safe. Have a great Thursday! ~Phil

Throwback Thursday! An Open Letter To Vespa Dude

Here is a classic Phil Factor from August 2008. Enjoy!

Dear Vespa Dude,

You are SO not cool. I don’t care if you wear a leather jacket and helmet with dark visor, that does not make your scooter a motorcycle. I don’t care if you get 80 miles to the gallon of gas. After two weeks of riding your Vespa, the savings should allow you to buy a real motorcycle or maybe even a car. You’re an adult and you’re riding a SCOOTER! Let that sink in for a moment… If you had any minuscule shot at getting a date with an actual real life woman, your scooter just killed that. Unless Al Gore has a really hot daughter who cares about the environment as much as you do, you’re not going to find a woman who wants to be taken out to dinner on a…SCOOTER. (As an aside, Jenna Bush is a smokin’ hottie and I’d vote for her dad for a third term if she got to be on tv more because of it)

And by the way, if your vehicle has a top speed of 30 mph, get the hell off the road. You don’t belong in my way. Just because you have a tiny license plate, like the ones I tied on the back of my bike when I was 8, doesn’t mean you should be on the road. While you’re at it why don’t you just clip some baseball cards to the spokes so your Vespa almost sounds like a motorcycle. In fact, because your 30 mph ass is in my lane I have to go slower and take longer, burning more gas and thus negating any benefit to the world you thought you were providing by riding your SCOOTER. I’d like to put my big carbon footprint right up your scooter riding ass.

Whew, it’s been a long time since I got off a good rant on here. This time I’m honestly hoping to get back to blogging at least once a week. Thanks for coming back.
Phil

Have a great Thursday! ~Phil

#Throwback Thursday! Who Let The Dogs Out?

This post is a throwback from a very interesting day in my life ten years ago. It came up because Michael Vick was in the news again today as there has been some public backlash to his university inducting him into their sports Hall of Fame. Those of you in the United States will no doubt remember the 2007 news story of the professional football player who ran a dog fighting ring.

(August 27, 2007) So I get sent to Richmond, Virginia for a two week training to prepare me for my new job. I’ve been here since the 19th. This morning I walked out of my hotel room and right into the middle of biggest news story of the day. I went down to the second floor where we have breakfast and start our training at 8 a.m. As I get down there another employee says, “Did you hear the rumor that Michael Vick is staying here? It’s probably just an urban myth.” I agreed, although I’m in a fairly nice hotel only three blocks from the Richmond courthouse.

At 9:30 during a break in training I went up to my room to get something. As I came out of my room an older gentleman in a suit exited the elevator in front of me and opened the door of the room next to mine. As he did so I heard the voice of an African-American man before the door closed. I went downstairs only to return a few minutes later after the wheels in my head started to turn. As I returned three men in suits exited the room next to mine and headed towards the elevator and I overheard one say, “Court should take about an hour.” After this I observe a hotel employee talking on a walkie-talkie, using the phrase “Room____ is a VIP room for today.” Now the light bulb went on over my head! I went downstairs and went back to my training.

About two hours later we got another break and as I exited the conference room a steady stream of men with cameras and microphones began to hurry past me towards the conference room across the hall from mine. So I got into the line. It was the Michael Vick press conference. As I walked to the line filing into the press conference I passed George Thorogood, the singer, talking to one of my co-workers. He was as curious as the rest of us. In addition to the press, spectators began to file into the hotel lobby. Some had religious shirts encouraging Michael Vick to repent. A family with young children came in carrying signs saying “We Love you” A co-worker of mine began to almost shout at the children, “You love him? How can you say that? He hung dogs!”

So me, Michael Vick, George Thorogood, and hordes of media were all here today. Needless to say, I had to answer a lot of questions about my blog.