How I Will Spend My Lottery Winnings

The Mega Millions jackpot that will be drawn tonight is nearing one billion dollars. Obviously, I’m going to win. The only question is, what should I do with all that money?

1. Once I am worth a billion dollars I will immediately relax, which I haven’t done in years. I will quite possibly relax to the point that someone will call a medical examiner. The best part of that is that it’s free and after I’m done relaxing I’ll still have a billion dollars, which will make me feel very happy.

2. Watch the sun set. Watching the sun set over Lake Ontario is my favorite part of every summer weekend.  Watching the sun set sounds free, but not the way I’m going to do it. I will buy a plane and hire a pilot to fly around the world at the same speed as the Earth rotates so that I can watch the sun set for 24 hours straight. There would probably be champagne involved.  The plane and pilot will remain on call so that I can see a nice sunset anytime I choose.

3. Daylight savings time. It’s stupid, outdated, inconvenient and it’s time for it to end. With a billion dollars I’m pretty sure there’s a way I could “persuade” enough legislators to take care of this.

4. Automated asteroid detecting lasers on the moon. Need I say more?

5. Thanksgiving. We’ve all been doing it wrong for centuries now. Do you think that the pilgrims wanted to eat the dead carcass of the largest, ugliest bird in North America? Of course they didn’t. Remember when telephones were attached to the wall and we could only go as far as the cord allowed? Well once we found a way around that we moved on to cell phones. Guess what? We now have better food than dead turkeys so it’s time to move on. When I have 2 billion dollars we will start eating pizza on Thanksgiving. Now that’s a food worthy of a national holiday.

6.  A seat on the Supreme Court. Did you know that technically there’s nothing that says you have to be a lawyer or judge to be on the Supreme Court? Powdered wigs and black robes? Seriously how swag would that be? Yeah, I know the modern day judges don’t wear the powdered wigs, but I would.

How about in the comments section here everyone write one crazy thing they would do in the unlikely event that someone other than me wins the Mega Millions lottery tonight?

16 responses to “How I Will Spend My Lottery Winnings

  1. I would buy and island and create a giant animal rescue. Dogs, cats, bunnies, you name it, they can all come live with me on my crazy animal lady island.

  2. This is an inspirational post, Phil, in that I’ve never specifically thought of “crazy” things I’d buy if I ever won a lot of money. Sure, I’ve thought of adding to the kids’ college fund, paying off student loans, credit cards, etc., and just outright giving money to charity but never something crazy attached to it. This is really fun! It would be fascinating to really think this through, but for now I’m gonna say I’ll commission a big group of the largest made (or I’ll have them specially made; with a billion dollars, what the hey?) Trump Baby balloons and deploy them all around the major cities of the United States such that they make Trump throw a major wobbler as my British or Australian friends might say and then I’ll make the largest donations in history to the Union of Concerned Scientists and in Trump’s name to combat *very real and human-made* climate change, plus donations to the SPJ, the International Center for Journalists (ICFJ), and the U.S. associations for black, Native American, and Hispanic journalists, all also in Trump’s name. And that’s just me getting started . . . hope I haven’t run out of money to torment Trump (but also do some good stuff)! 🙂

  3. If I win, I will save enough of it to live comfortably for the rest of my life and give the rest of it away – recipients to be determined. But I’m definitely leaving America.

  4. 24 hours of sunsets? You’d definitely need champagne photos for that! Also, please please put an end to daylight savings time! Why hasn’t any other billionaire done that yet??

  5. Pretend I earned it.

  6. Well done Phil. Good luck on the drawing

  7. Good Luck Phil!

    You should win for the good of us all if you can rid the world of daylight savings!

  8. Dude…

    I would buy a GINORMOUS farm in the middle of BFE (but farther than I am now) I would have a maid, a chef and a shit-ton of acreage for at least 12 Jack Russell’s (only even numbers please). In addition, I would have a pool with around the clock pool BOYS!!

    Or is that what Heaven is for me?

  9. I would simply find a way to “disappear” and “never be found again”.

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