I Tried Allergy Testing So You Don’t Have To

I had allergy testing on Friday and the picture above is from the exam room that I spent two hours in. First of all, who isn’t allergic to venom? Superman? And secondly, how do they do the food skin testing? I’m fantasizing about a nurse rubbing pizza and bacon all over my naked skin. Now you’ve got that picture in your head, don’t you? You’re welcome.

There are things that I know I’m allergic to: People who are mean spirited, people who treat wait staff at restaurants poorly, buffoonish orange skinned Presidents, racism, sexism, and penicillin. So far that’s my list, but in spite of my best efforts to avoid those things my allergy symptoms have grown worse over the last couple years. I’ve had unrelenting sinus congestion, watery eyes and random sneezing. Although that sounds delightful, I don’t enjoy it as much as you’d think.  Over the counter meds have helped only a little, so I asked my doctor for an allergy workup in hopes of finding out what exactly has turned my sinuses into a 24/7 snot factory.

I arrived at the doctors office early so that I could fill out the paperwork. I got there so early that it wasn’t open yet. Fifteen minutes later when it did open, I discovered that I was scheduled at the doctor’s other office across town. I raced across town and surprisingly made it in time. The first thing that the nurse did when she took me back was to weigh me and measure my height, because how tall you are is obviously a factor in what gives you hives. The nurse informed me that by her measure I was 3/4 of an inch (2 feet for my metric people) shorter than I thought I was. Obviously the effect of my allergies was far worse than I realized, and it explains why all my pants have been getting longer.

First she marked each forearm with 24 purple dots, 48 total,  to determine if I was allergic to purple ink. No, actually next to each of those dots she jabbed me with a little needle that had a small amount of a possible allergen. The purple ink still hasn’t completely come off yet, so I’m keeping my forearms covered in public so people don’t think I’m Typhoid Phil spreading the Purple Plague. Fortunately the purple dot round of needle sticks didn’t reveal anything other than my tolerance to purple ink, so it was onto the next round of bigger needles!

Yes, that is an actual picture of 36 syringes that they then stuck into my upper arms next to 36 more purple dots. I felt like I had a free acupuncture session, which I’ve never done, but I might just to get a funny blog post out off it.

Joy of joy, they found four things that I’m allergic to! Dust mites, molds, box elder trees, and people who don’t leave comments on my blog. The doctor said that last one could be fatal.  Apparently some people are so surprised at the results of their allergy testing that they actually shit themselves, which it why the office felt it necessary to put this sign up in the exam room:

Being kind and considerate, I did take my soiled diapers with me. The title of my post is a nod to Christine of the I’m Sick and So Are You blog who wrote THIS funny post back in July. So, on your way out of The Phil Factor, don’t be allergic to leaving comments, and please take your soiled diapers with you. Have a great Sunday! ~Phil

26 responses to “I Tried Allergy Testing So You Don’t Have To

  1. I have found that I am allergic to Germany 🇩🇪. Well, it’s not an official diagnosis, I didn’t get stuck with a load of needles to find out. I just spend my time sniffing, snotting, and sneezing pretty much all the time.
    Do they develop a plan to treat your allergies? Or do you just get to feel better with the knowledge that you know what you are allergic to? Like, how the hell do you avoid trees??

  2. See, this is how you and I are different. I would be showing everyone my purple dots hoping they thought I was Typhoid Christine.

  3. The most shocking thing about this is the soiled diapers! 🤢

  4. hahah Thank you for your service!

  5. i love your first paragraph so much. in teaching kinders , i love that they often say ‘they are allergic’ to something they don’t want to taste. this is a good lifelong strategy

  6. Oh my gosh…….this is hysterical!!!!! Thank you so much for the belly laugh Phil!!!!

  7. You voluntarily let them stick you with you 36 needles? I don’t care what makes me sneeze…. that’s not going to happen anytime soon!

  8. As a lifelong allergy and now asthma sufferer, I can tell you that no matter how you work it the allergies seem to win. Hope you have a different result.

  9. I have had this test, many times, also, my entire back, like a box grid. I am sorry for your snot.
    I am GALLED about the diapers. WTF? Just… NO. I don’t have diapers, but for the love of Pete, it’s a medical office.

  10. I’m allergic to the air I breathe and food. Eat like a bird over here. Or squirrel. Dang allergies

  11. I’m all for a war on dust mites and molds… Probably work as well as the war on drugs or poverty?

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