Tag Archives: medical humor

I Tried Allergy Testing So You Don’t Have To

I had allergy testing on Friday and the picture above is from the exam room that I spent two hours in. First of all, who isn’t allergic to venom? Superman? And secondly, how do they do the food skin testing? I’m fantasizing about a nurse rubbing pizza and bacon all over my naked skin. Now you’ve got that picture in your head, don’t you? You’re welcome.

There are things that I know I’m allergic to: People who are mean spirited, people who treat wait staff at restaurants poorly, buffoonish orange skinned Presidents, racism, sexism, and penicillin. So far that’s my list, but in spite of my best efforts to avoid those things my allergy symptoms have grown worse over the last couple years. I’ve had unrelenting sinus congestion, watery eyes and random sneezing. Although that sounds delightful, I don’t enjoy it as much as you’d think.  Over the counter meds have helped only a little, so I asked my doctor for an allergy workup in hopes of finding out what exactly has turned my sinuses into a 24/7 snot factory.

I arrived at the doctors office early so that I could fill out the paperwork. I got there so early that it wasn’t open yet. Fifteen minutes later when it did open, I discovered that I was scheduled at the doctor’s other office across town. I raced across town and surprisingly made it in time. The first thing that the nurse did when she took me back was to weigh me and measure my height, because how tall you are is obviously a factor in what gives you hives. The nurse informed me that by her measure I was 3/4 of an inch (2 feet for my metric people) shorter than I thought I was. Obviously the effect of my allergies was far worse than I realized, and it explains why all my pants have been getting longer.

First she marked each forearm with 24 purple dots, 48 total,  to determine if I was allergic to purple ink. No, actually next to each of those dots she jabbed me with a little needle that had a small amount of a possible allergen. The purple ink still hasn’t completely come off yet, so I’m keeping my forearms covered in public so people don’t think I’m Typhoid Phil spreading the Purple Plague. Fortunately the purple dot round of needle sticks didn’t reveal anything other than my tolerance to purple ink, so it was onto the next round of bigger needles!

Yes, that is an actual picture of 36 syringes that they then stuck into my upper arms next to 36 more purple dots. I felt like I had a free acupuncture session, which I’ve never done, but I might just to get a funny blog post out off it.

Joy of joy, they found four things that I’m allergic to! Dust mites, molds, box elder trees, and people who don’t leave comments on my blog. The doctor said that last one could be fatal.  Apparently some people are so surprised at the results of their allergy testing that they actually shit themselves, which it why the office felt it necessary to put this sign up in the exam room:

Being kind and considerate, I did take my soiled diapers with me. The title of my post is a nod to Christine of the I’m Sick and So Are You blog who wrote THIS funny post back in July. So, on your way out of The Phil Factor, don’t be allergic to leaving comments, and please take your soiled diapers with you. Have a great Sunday! ~Phil

Throwback Thursday! I’m Not A Doctor, But There’s an App For That

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10/19/2013)  I went to my doctor yesterday because I was bitten by a radioactive spider and I seem to have super-human strength and sticky hands. Well, that and maybe a sinus infection. So of course they decided to weigh me to decide if my sinus infections body mass index was too high. After seeing my weight I’m pretty sure my sinus infection weighs about 10 pounds.

Then I went into the holding cell exam room. My doctors office is very deceptive. They always take you back from the waiting room really quickly so you think, “Oh great! They’re not that far behind. I’ll be out of here quickly.” If you think that they should also examine you for your delusional thinking. In the exam room the medical assistant takes your temp, pulse and blood pressure. I’m convinced this is just busy work because when I asked what my blood pressure was she said 7.   I’m also pretty sure it said Fisher Price on the stethoscope.

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Then the waiting game began. Eventually the “resident”, who looked young enough that the Fisher Price doctor kit would be appropriate, came in to examine me. At the supermarket I’m fine with getting in the line with the sign that says “Cashier in Training,” at the doctor’s office, not so much. I’m relieved however when ten minutes later my real doctor comes in to review the residents diagnosis.  As he asked questions of her regarding the diagnosis he asked her, “Well did you do the Progressive Lidodystrophy scale? There’s an app for that.”  They both immediately assumed the standard ‘teenager in trigonometry class’ posture, heads down staring at their phones. A minute or two later the resident began quizzing me from her phone and concluded by telling the real doctor that I had a score of eleven. I said, “That sounds awfully low. Did you try the power up on level 5?”

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Hey, I’m all for modern technology improving medical care and the quality of our lives, but do I want my doc going to the same app store for his diagnosis where I go for Angry Birds? At an appointment 6 months ago my doctor consulted the internet on his phone because he didn’t have a good answer about something. And he didn’t even go to WebMd. He justs Googled! I could do that. I’m starting to think that maybe we don’t even need doctors for minor stuff.

You know where the doctors do need help though? The medication names. What is wrong with pharmaceutical companies? I think they just have little kids there making up nonsense words. Why do the names of medications have to be so linguistically complicated that even medications for the most minor ailment make it sound like it might be fatal? It was better in the 1950’s when you had medication names that told you what the medication did. There were names like “Rash Be Gone” and “No More Runs.”

As always, if you like #ThePhilFactor please hit the Facebook, Twitter, or other share button below. You know, sharing is caring. I just made that up. Speaking of sharing, in honor of Breast Cancer Awareness month, and my wife who is a survivor, I will donate the proceeds of all sales of my books that occur today to the Susan G. Komen Foundation. Here’s what you do so I’ll know you bought one. Click on one of the books in the right sidebar, buy it for your Kindle, Nook, or iPad and then, in the comment section to this blog post just put in the name of which one you got.