Yes, kindly little old Queen Elizabeth, or The Big Q as her friends call her at the pub, is crocked off her tiny wrinkled arse right now. You’re probably saying to yourself, “But Phil, how can you know this? Did your amazing psychic powers tell you this?” No, I heard it on the radio. Some DJ filling time between songs drudged up an old Vanity Fair article.
She is the Queen of England, so she can do whatever the feck she wants, but the amounts and times of her drinking are more than a little surprising. The article reported that tiny, 147 year old Queen Elizabeth drinks FOUR alcoholic drinks a day. Four! That’s 28 drinks per week! In my college days I didn’t drink 28 drinks a week! If my doctor thought I had four drinks every day he would send me to rehab!
She takes her first drink, gin and Dubonnet, before lunch! Unless it’s a mimosa at a hotel pool or on the beach, I think she’s out of line. But that’s not all folks! During lunch she knocks back a dry gin martini. Then she finishes lunch with a piece of chocolate and a glass of wine. Someone who weighs 68 pounds and has has three drinks by 1 pm is running England. That explains a lot about them over the years. And Prince Philip is obviously not a good designated driver for her.
Speaking of Prince Philip, why the heck does he have a black eye in every picture I’ve ever seen of him? Last year he showed up for Prince Harry’s wedding with a black eye. Reports were that he fell in the bath. But then a few weeks later he got into a car accident, apparently as he was trying to flee the palace. Either he’s getting crocked with Liz too, or I think she’s getting hammered every day and roughing him up. (Philip, if you’re reading this, there’s help out there. Just give me a sign. Tug on your earlobe in your next TV appearance and if I see that I’ll sneak into the palace at night and get you out. Just make sure to hide the Queen’s gun.)
That picture is her version of this:
If I had three drinks by 1 pm, all I’d want to do is take a nap. Then at bedtime, she has a glass of champagne. Now that I can see. When I’m elected President, or Sexiest Man Alive, whichever comes first, you’re damn right I’m going to top off my day with champagne. I can picture Big Q in her robe and slippers sitting on the throne, putting her feet up and watching Graham Norton with her nightcap. Still wearing her crown she raises her glass as if toasting to nothing and no one and thinks to herself, “Damn it, I’m the effing Queen of England!” And then she knocks it back sloppily with half of it running out of the corners of her mouth.
Have a great Saturday and enjoy your cocktails! ~Phil