Tag Archives: casino funny

The Casino Walking Dead

For work I had to spend the last week in a hotel with a casino. It was a very nice hotel. About 3/4 of the bottom floor was a casino. That is an interesting scene. And when I say interesting, I mean it in the way a doctor would say, “Interesting…” when he looks at the lab result and sees that you have a bizarre and almost unheard of disease.

There seem to be two crowds at the casino: There’s Ma and Pa Kettle from middle America who are built like they eat nothing but dairy products and carbohydrates. They’re always squeezed in a sausage like fashion into the jersey of their favorite sports team.

The second group is the opposite of Ma and Pa Kettle. This group LOVES to go out to the casino for the night. The guys are decked out in $100 jeans with pointy leather shoes, a shirt that looks bedazzled but isn’t, and an invisible cloud of body spray surrounding them.

The women that hang on their arms probably have to hang on their arms because they’re feeling faint from the body spray aroma. I think these women are trying to attract men the same way fisherman attract fish. They wear tiny shiny cocktail dresses that are the equivalent a flashy metallic fishing lure.  It seems to work.  Of course the women catch men, the tiny dresses literally prevent them from doing anything but walking forward with very tiny little steps. God forbid they drop something and have to bend over to pick it up. We’d all have a view their gynecologist would envy.

To be fair, up until about 11:00 pm the casino crowd looks fun. Everything is glitzy and there’s music and happy cheering at the Craps tables. After 11:00 pm once this crowd has either lost or won and is in an alcohol fueled amplified emotional state things get ugly. Gamblers who’ve lost are drowning their sorrows and those who won are celebrating by giving their winnings back buying drinks. The cocktail dresses who caught their man hitting on a different cocktail dress are on the couch in the corner looking like mascara raccoons.

Ma and Pa Kettle are still there, not having left the same slot machine they sat down at after clearing the entire buffet upstairs. Playing the slots is something I just don’t get. Now in the 21st century the slots are not one armed bandits, but computers. So you put your money in and a computer that’s owned by the casino will let you know if you win. Hmm..I wonder whose best interest they have at heart?

After 11:00 still isn’t the worst. Oh no, it gets worse. Far worse. I’m an early riser. I get up around 5:00 a.m. I start my day with a cup of coffee. In a hotel with a casino, they don’t put a coffee maker in your room because they want you out of your room spending money. So, I had to go down to the coffee shop in the casino. Remember the glitzy people at 11:00 pm? They’re still there and they’ve turned into the walking dead. Still smoking, drinking and gambling. Their eyes that were once as shiny as their cocktail dresses now look sunken and hollow. The men are glassy eyed but still putting away drinks. Now the body spray aura around them is replaced by the smell of smoke, sweat and desperation. They’re the walking dead but they just don’t know it yet. Behind the shiny cocktail dresses and Ed Hardy t-shirts, their tiny hearts are still beating slowly but their mind has left the building.

Sorry there’s not more pictures. I did this from my phone while traveling! I’ve had so many flight delays that I’m not sure I’ll ever get home. ~Phil