Tag Archives: funny

The Casino Walking Dead

For work I had to spend the last week in a hotel with a casino. It was a very nice hotel. About 3/4 of the bottom floor was a casino. That is an interesting scene. And when I say interesting, I mean it in the way a doctor would say, “Interesting…” when he looks at the lab result and sees that you have a bizarre and almost unheard of disease.

There seem to be two crowds at the casino: There’s Ma and Pa Kettle from middle America who are built like they eat nothing but dairy products and carbohydrates. They’re always squeezed in a sausage like fashion into the jersey of their favorite sports team.

The second group is the opposite of Ma and Pa Kettle. This group LOVES to go out to the casino for the night. The guys are decked out in $100 jeans with pointy leather shoes, a shirt that looks bedazzled but isn’t, and an invisible cloud of body spray surrounding them.

The women that hang on their arms probably have to hang on their arms because they’re feeling faint from the body spray aroma. I think these women are trying to attract men the same way fisherman attract fish. They wear tiny shiny cocktail dresses that are the equivalent a flashy metallic fishing lure.  It seems to work.  Of course the women catch men, the tiny dresses literally prevent them from doing anything but walking forward with very tiny little steps. God forbid they drop something and have to bend over to pick it up. We’d all have a view their gynecologist would envy.

To be fair, up until about 11:00 pm the casino crowd looks fun. Everything is glitzy and there’s music and happy cheering at the Craps tables. After 11:00 pm once this crowd has either lost or won and is in an alcohol fueled amplified emotional state things get ugly. Gamblers who’ve lost are drowning their sorrows and those who won are celebrating by giving their winnings back buying drinks. The cocktail dresses who caught their man hitting on a different cocktail dress are on the couch in the corner looking like mascara raccoons.

Ma and Pa Kettle are still there, not having left the same slot machine they sat down at after clearing the entire buffet upstairs. Playing the slots is something I just don’t get. Now in the 21st century the slots are not one armed bandits, but computers. So you put your money in and a computer that’s owned by the casino will let you know if you win. Hmm..I wonder whose best interest they have at heart?

After 11:00 still isn’t the worst. Oh no, it gets worse. Far worse. I’m an early riser. I get up around 5:00 a.m. I start my day with a cup of coffee. In a hotel with a casino, they don’t put a coffee maker in your room because they want you out of your room spending money. So, I had to go down to the coffee shop in the casino. Remember the glitzy people at 11:00 pm? They’re still there and they’ve turned into the walking dead. Still smoking, drinking and gambling. Their eyes that were once as shiny as their cocktail dresses now look sunken and hollow. The men are glassy eyed but still putting away drinks. Now the body spray aura around them is replaced by the smell of smoke, sweat and desperation. They’re the walking dead but they just don’t know it yet. Behind the shiny cocktail dresses and Ed Hardy t-shirts, their tiny hearts are still beating slowly but their mind has left the building.

Sorry there’s not more pictures. I did this from my phone while traveling! I’ve had so many flight delays that I’m not sure I’ll ever get home. ~Phil

Top Ten Tuesday! Ten Great Tweets!

I like to say things in 500-700 words. I’m not all that great at Twitter, but there are others who have mastered the short form humor. Despite the recent change to 280 characters, there are still people who are brilliantly funny with very little said. Here are some of my recent favorite, laugh out loud tweets:

If you’re one of the people that say, “I just don’t get Twitter, read THIS. You can find me on Twitter @thephilfactor. Have a great Tuesday! ~Phil

People Are Stupid So Why Should It Be…

People are people so why should it be that you and I should get along so awfully?  Well Depeche Mode, I’ll tell you why it should be. It’s because most of those people are either stupid or egregiously ego-centric, or probably both. Over the past two weeks I’ve traveled for work and then went on a vacation. The one constant between these two trip has been people. Mostly stupid people.

Walk This Way

A lot of people seem to have trouble walking. Not physical trouble, mind you. They’re up and walking about, but they walk like arrogant, self-centered jerks. You know that saying, Dance like no one is watching ? A lot of people walk like no one is in their way. Whether it be on a city street or at Epcot in Disney World, Last week at Epcot I wanted to punch at least thirty people in the throat because they just walked right at me in a stupor as if there was no one else in the world. Morons! They fix their eyes on on the burrito stand in Mexico Epcot and it’s full steam ahead in a direct line for their destination. If there is a short fence in front of these people they’d probably fall right over it. In a post from the distant past I referred to these as Hamster Ball People

We needed this rain

I was in Florida and on Tuesday I went to Epcot. About 5 minutes after I got there, the skies opened up as if Noah had just finished boarding all the animals.  Then the rain didn’t stop for at least 2-3 hours. The workers at Epcot were not in the least helpful. As I sloshed  from building to building in my waterlogged shoes I must have heard at least twenty of them say “This is good. We needed this rain. It’s been so dry.” I was tempted to scream at them, “NO! No WE didn’t need THIS RAIN! It’s my vacation! I come to Florida for sunshine and warmth! Everyone does. Shut up about the rain! Your only purpose in life when you live in Florida is to serve the tourists, and we don’t want ANY. FECKING. RAIN!!! These people also deserved a good throat punch, but since I was in the costliest happiest place on Earth, I didn’t do that.

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The Doomsday Clock: So this is a fun game. Just in case you weren’t aware, since World World II, the members of The Bulletin of Atomic Scientists have a clock that only they can adjust the time on and it’s sole purpose is to estimate how close the human race is to exterminating themselves. So last week, amidst the Trump/Russia/South Korea posturing, they moved the clock thirty seconds closer to midnight. Look at that picture. These guys look like loads of fun! They must have been thrilled to be in the news. For scientists though, their production quality leaves a lot to be desired. That’s it? That’s their graphic? A piece of cardboard? In about 5 minutes, 90% of all second grade children could have whipped up a kick ass power point with animated graphics. Oh, and scientists, thanks for your information. I believe that I spoke for all humankind a few weeks ago when I posted Hey Scientists! Shut The H#LL Up!

Well, that was my week. How was yours? Have a great Saturday! ~Phil

 

Top Ten Tuesday! The Top Ten Psychic Pick Up Lines

Psychics are people too. When they’re not reading minds, predicting the future or communicating with the spirit of your Great Aunt Maude, they’re out there looking for love just like the rest of us. I imagine though that their special skills allow them to try a much different approach when meeting someone. Here are the Top Ten Psychic Pickup Lines:

10. I know your future and it’s me.

9. You’re fine. How am I?

8. Let me read your palm. No, not on the table.

7. I’ve been in touch with your great, great grandmother and she wants you to date me.

6. It’s not you, it’s me. Don’t worry, this will make sense in about 6 months.

5. I see a tremendous amount of pleasure in your future.

4. Don’t talk to that guy. He’ll only lead to heartbreak. I on the other hand…

3. I already know what you like

2. Do you have a dog? You do? I’m a pet psychic. Take me to your apartment immediately.

1. Why yes, I do have crystal balls.

Have a great Tuesday! I know you will. ~Phil

Top Ten Tuesday! The Ten Most Famous People in the World!

The list is from CuriosityHuman.com, the commentary for each is mine. CuriosityHuman did not specify if the list is in any specific order, so I’ll make my own.

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10. Tom Hardy, actor: I knew the name but couldn’t tell you a single movie he’s been in. It turns out that he’s been in a lot of good ones. He’s not nearly as famous as his brothers Ed, Frank, and Joe. If anybody gets that joke, please say so in the comments.

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9. Narenda Modi, Prime Minister of India: I have to admit I’ve never heard of this guy, but if he’s the boss of a country of 1.25 billion people and 4.5 billion technology customer service call centers, he’s pretty damn influential.

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8. Angela Merkel, Supermodel: A couple of my smarter readers, both of them, will recognize the supermodel joke. Angela Merkel is a German politician. My only guess for her being rated this famous is that she must be the one that knocked down the Berlin Wall. I always thought it was David Hasselhoff who did it.

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7. Larry Page & Sergey Brinn: Bueller? Bueller? Yeah, off the top of my head the names are familiar, but I wouldn’t automatically shout out Google founders! Hey Larry and Sergey, let me ask you this: How in the hell does a magician from Rancho Cucamonga who calls himself Phil Factor rank higher in a Google search for ‘The Phil Factor’ than my blog, which is called The Phil Factor? I get a couple thousand page views a week! You can’t tell me that there are a more people each week looking for a magician named Phil? Take that and stick it in your algorithm. Yes, I realize that by hyperlinking to Google, the magicians site and my site that I’ve created an infinite improbability loop that will shut down the internet if anyone clicks all three links.

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6. Ryan Reynolds: Good looking actor, never done much of note until last years Deadpool. But, 19 years ago I watched a little know sitcom that only lasted three years called Two Guys, A Girl, and a Pizza Place, and I pegged Ryan Reynolds as a future star. That show was hilarious. Go back and find it.

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5. Leonardo DeCaprio: A great actor. Certainly deserving of his place on this list. If I had a choice of five people I could switch places with, he might be on the list just because of this GIF.

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4. Adele: If you’re known by one name, you’re doing pretty damn good in your life, or you’re infamous for something evil. Until Adele goes on a killing spree, she is doing pretty damn good in her life. Ten years ago we had no idea who she was and now she’s top ten famous? Then again, ten years ago you had no idea who I was and now you’re reading my blog! I guess I’m not doing too bad either.

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3. Hillary Clinton: Had she won the Presidency she’d be number one on the list, but unfortunately, she is likely to be an interesting footnote in future history books.

2. Justin Bieber: He’s really famous alright, but would he be as famous if he weren’t such an asshat? I doubt it. Last week my friend Suzie wrote a post titled: Things I’ve Learned in Four Years of Blogging. She said that she got harassed in her comments by some middle-aged house frau’s that were sticking up for The Biebs. Well ladies, if you love that moron so much, bring it on. Feel free to fill my comments section with your sad, misguided hatred (of your own life).

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1. Donald Trump: Notice that the top two are both loved and hated, while the people that are universally loved don’t rank as high? Being hated may be more of a fame maker than being universally liked.

So, if you made a list, who would you add to this and who would you remove? If you’re from another country, would this list be different for you? Comments! Comments please! Have a great Tuesday! ~ Phil

Top Ten Tuesday! The Ten Most Popular Phil Factors Ever!

Get ready to laugh. To celebrate my blogs 12th birthday I’m listing the top ten posts, by number of views, from the last 12 years. If you’re new to #ThePhilFactor you’ve got some catching up to do. The titles are all live links, so feel free to click away!

10. Zombie Love BoatThis is an underrated favorite of mine.

9. Me and Billie Joe ArmstrongConsidering that this one is from two weeks ago, it’s amazing that it’s got enough view to crack the top ten.

8. 2016 Predictions From A Legit Psychic

7. Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire: The Interview with Magician James David

6. The Rolling Stones Are Liars: My Class ReunionThis one is more nostalgia than humor.

5. The Ten Most Painful Things That Have Ever Happened To MeApparently people like to learn about pain. Lots of random Google searches regularly bring readers for this one.

4. Three Things… I’m still puzzled about why this gets a steady stream of views.

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3. Real Sexting Conversations to Read In HindiHindi speaking people really like to use their cell phones.

2. Meet The Author: Christopher Moore (yes, that Christopher Moore) The man has a very loyal following. You should read his books.

1. Twitter People vs. Facebook PeopleThis one surprised me. I knew it was funny when I wrote it, so I shared it to Reddit and it went a little viral, getting 17,000 views in one day and standing atop the Reddit humor category for over 24 hours. That was fun. I haven’t had anything close to that since. 

Have a great Tuesday! ~Phil

Top Ten Tuesday! Top Ten Rejected Yankee Candle Scents

This idea occurred to me the other day when I was writing Do You smell Like a SociopathYankee Candle has literally 55 different scents that you can buy candles in. They have scents like My Serenity, and Kilimanjaro Stars. Really? How the hell does Yankee Candle know what My Serenity smells like? You know what My serenity smells like? It smells like bourbon and beef jerky. Nobody wants that candle! Kilimanjaro Stars? How can you smell stars? Space is a vacuum. In space nobody can smell you scream. That was a movie tag line wasn’t it? Any who, without further adieu, here are ten scents that didn’t quite make the cut at Yankee Candle:

10. 

9. 

8. 

7. 

6. 

5. 

4. 

3. 

2. 

1. 

First off, I’d like to thank the people of the internet. I was going to make up my own list, but when I Googled the subject there were already great ideas with pictures. Secondly, trust me, you should thank me for not choosing to include many of the grosser ideas that people made pictures for. Thirdly, Yankee Candle Company please don’t sue #ThePhilFactor. I didn’t make these up. I’m just the messenger. Have a great Tuesday everyone! ~Phil