If you don’t know what a streetside mail browser is, then please, let me describe them for you. Also, streetside mail browsers don’t just ply their trade in the streets, some do it in their apartment building lobby.
This is a streetside mail browser: It’s a beautiful, sunny day and you just got home from work. You wave to your neighbor as you stroll down to your mailbox. You pull the small stack of envelopes from the box. Oh! Look at that! A card from Aunt Viv! I wonder how she is. Ooh, is that a sales flyer for my favorite store? 20% off? Oh yeah! I can do some damage to my credit card bill at 20% off!
What is wrong with you people? Who do you think you are? Could you be more arrogant and inconsiderate? What? Does it come a surprise that others find your behavior inconsiderate and rude? Let me give you the gift of seeing through another’s eyes:
I’m driving down the street and I see you standing in the street in front of your mailbox. No big deal. I’ll swerve a little into the oncoming lane to get around you. Oh no! There’s a car coming from the other direction and you don’t see it because it’s behind you. So you just stand there browsing your mail like you own the fecking street. Are you kidding me? Where’s you’re awareness? You’re in the street. Oh my God you fecking idiot! Now I have to stop because you’re lost in dreamland reminiscing about Aunt Viv and that time her camp chair broke and she fell right on the ground.
What? That doesn’t sound like you? What about when I take my dog out to pee and there you are reading all your mail in the street right across from my house and my dog ia going ape-shit because she thinks you’re going to come over and pet her. No, don’t wave and say hi. Just get the feck in your house. My dog can’t concentrate. I don’t want to be out here until you finish reading your mail you inconsiderate dolt.
Or how about this? In the lobby of the apartment building, don’t stand there blocking ten other mailboxes. I just got in out of the rain and I have to stand there watching you look surprised that you already got a birthday card from your cousin Skeeter. Nobody cares. I’m not your friend and I don’t give a rat’s ass that Skeeter sent you a gift card for Hot Topic. Get your fecking mail and go to your apartment. You don’t own the whole world.
This has been a public service announcement by The Phil Factor. Enjoy your day. The rest of us are glad there’s “no post on Sundays!”
Have a nice rest of your weekend! ~Phil