Hi everyone! I’m still out here and alive. I’ve actually been back to work for a little over three months but wasn’t blogging much due to the stress, time and travel of the new job. This is a video blog I made about four months ago about the idiocy and proliferation of podcasts but never posted it until now. If you love to hate podcasts, then this is right up your alley. Although, if you do have an alley, I’m kind of jealous. Anyway, enjoy! #ThePhilFactor
Do We Really Need All These Podcasts?
Have a great Thursday and feel free to leave comments! I’d love to hear your thoughts on podcasts. ~Phil
I know that this may come as a surprise to you, but it has recently I have come to accept that I may be quirky. Although, in my head, I’m normal and everyone else who goes about life doing normal things all the time is boring AF.
Not me. Andy Warhol, notorious quirkster
Guess what? You’re quirky too. We are quirky, not just because we are bloggers, but at least partly because we are bloggers. Yes, it is commonplace for just about anyone and everyone to use social media to express their thoughts and feelings, but we bloggers put time, thought and sometimes rough drafts into broadcasting what’s in our heads. We as a group think that our thoughts are so interesting or entertaining that many, many others would want to hear them. We are an arrogant bunch, aren’t we? We are either arrogant or narcissistic. It’s one or the other. Honestly, don’t you’re friends and family consider you a bit quirky because you’ve got a blog?
But, in addition to our blogs, I would be happy to wager a fair amount of money that many of us are quirky in other ways outside of our blogs. One of my ways that others find quirky is my tie collection. I have easily over 100 ties and a fair portion of them are novelty ties dedicated to superheroes, works of art, or holidays. Currently I’m in the midst of about 2 1/2 weeks of wearing a different Halloween tie each day through Halloween. Feel free to follow me on Instagram @thephilfactor.
So, that’s one of my non-blogging quirks. In the comments, please confess one of your non-blogging quirks.
There’s two things I’m not sure if I believe in, ghosts and death. Well, I’m sure I don’t believe in my own death, and if by chance it does happen, I plan to overcome it by becoming a ghost. I’m sure you’re thinking to yourself What a weirdo! Hey, relax on the judgement there. I’m contractually bound to comeback after death, if I have one, a death that is.
Contractually bound? Yup. Nothing I can do about it now. It was many years ago in college. One night myself and two friends were drinking some adult beverages. You know how when you’re young, like 20 or so and you think you’re really deep even though you’re really idiots who don’t know anything? We had imbibed a few and got to talking about death and the afterlife.
We all were curious to know if there really was life after death, so right then and there we Googled and then re-enacted a centuries old Druid ceremony complete with a circle of salt, candles under a full moon and signing a pact with our own blood, which was flowing easily because of the alcohol we had been drinking. Ok, no we didn’t, but I had you going there for a second, didn’t I? There was no blood signed contract, and there was also no Google when I was in college, but we did make a promise to each other that whichever one of us died first would come back and haunt the other two so we would know that there’s life after death.
I don’t know where those two college friends are now and don’t even remember ones last name. Hopefully, because of our vow, some sort of afterlife mojo will help us find each other to keep our promise. As far as I know, none of us has ever shown up to haunt the others. With Halloween in the air I got to thinking of this and what else I might do if I were to be a ghost.
I know this may be hard for you to believe, but in my life I’ve been a bit of a practical joker at times. I’m pretty sure that if I ever come back as a ghost I’m not going to take off my shirt and help anyone with pottery. Jeez, what a waste of an afterlife. I’ll probably be what we all know as a poltergeist. I’ll move a lot of peoples car keys just before they have to leave for work. During live televised events I’ll show up invisibly and give the President or the Pope a wet willie. I’ll be on the field at all my favorite live sporting events, helping out a little to ensure my favorite teams win. You know that feeling you get when you feel like someone’s behind you but you turn around and no one’s there? That’ll be me. Who knows? Ghost Phil may even zip into the internet and follow the connection to your computer and cause embarrassing typos when you’re posting pictures.
So do you believe in life after death? Do you think there are real ghosts? Have you ever had an experience with what you think was a ghost? What would you do if you were a ghost?
Have a great Thursday, and no, you don’t have enough Halloween decorations up yet! ~Phil
1. You brought an unnecessary “service animal.” I get it. You’re anxious. Flying can be nerve wracking if you don’t do it a lot. If you’ve got a legit dog that can notify others if you’re having a seizure, I’m not talking to you. You’re good. If you have an emotional support animal, well that’s different. If you think that you’re anxious on a flight, imagine how your pet feels. You at least know what it is. They have no idea what’s going on and are probably terrified the whole time. Leave Fluffy home, get a xanax or two from your doc, order a glass of wine and go to sleep.
2. You need both arm rests: For some reason known only to airlines, unless you’re in first class, the seats are so close together that there are shared arm rests. Listen, I don’t care who you are, if I don’t know you, I don’t want my skin touching your skin for the next three hours. Don’t assume that both armrests are your domain. You’re not that fecking important.
3. Keep your shoes on: Hey Zen master, it’s nice that you like to make yourself at home on the plane, but keep your shoes on asshat. Bare feet are for the beach, not the 6:10 flight to Newark. You may love your foot stink in a small confined space with recycled air, but I don’t.
4. The “I can’t wait to get off the plane people.” The second the wheels touch the ground these impatient dolts spring from their seats, get their idiotically oversized bag out of the overhead compartment, hit at least two people as they get the bag to the floor, and then they stake their claim to a spot in the aisle right next to you and then stand there with their ass right next to your head for the next 15 minutes. Calm down Speedy, guess what? You’re not going anywhere until the twenty rows ahead of you get out of the plane.
That is all. Safe travels. So what people do you hate when you travel?
(July 2, 2011) No, this is not a male version of the popular novel The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo. This is much better than that. It’s my blog where I make fun of stuff. I’m pretty sure nobody had very many laughs reading that dragon tattoo book. The Man with the Scorpion Tattoo also is not a fictional character. The Man with the Scorpion Tattoo is a guy I see at my Starbuck’s almost every morning. To be fair, it’s not really my Starbucks. I am neither owner nor manager, but The Man with the Scorpion Tattoo still shows up there regularly regardless of my lack of affiliation with the place.
The Man with the Scorpion Tattoo is bald. Not old man, male pattern baldness bald, but “I shaved my head so I can look like a bad ass bald.” The Man with the Scorpion Tattoo also has a giant scorpion tattooed on his bald head. A scorpion tattoo that is much larger than any real scorpion. The tattoo stretches from the top of his head, wrapping around the back and down to the top of the neck. Each morning I wonder, what exactly is he trying to tell the world about himself?
Evil. I think having a giant scorpion tattooed on a menacing bald head kind of screams evil. My shamrock tattoo says I’m Irish. His scorpion tattoo says evil. In fact after observing The Man with the Scorpion Tattoo daily for awhile now, I’m pretty sure he is actually Satan. Yup, the real one. Apparently, just like you and me, Satan stops for his Starbucks fix on his way to work every day. Coffee black of course. None of those frou frou girly drinks with whipped cream. He keeps to himself and goes about his business quietly while at Starbucks, but just the same, I’m pretty sure he’s Satan. He makes small talk with the baristas so as not to arouse any suspicion. He tips, but never too much or too little. He always sits alone at the table by the window.
I suppose it’s possible right? I mean, Satan has a job to do every day doesn’t he? If he didn’t show up for work each day encouraging evil, imagine all the police officers, military, and jail staff that would be out of work. Without evil our economy suffers. So like the rest of us, Satans day begins when his alarm goes off. Because he’s evil, he hits snooze. Twice. Then I imagine Satan walking his dog clad in pajama pants and a Motley Crue reunion tour t-shirt. Obviously, he doesn’t pick up the poop in a little bag because of his inherent evil nature. Unlike me, Satan never bothers to iron his shirt for work either. Before leaving for work he grabs his bagged lunch, grumbling over the low carb kick his wife is on, and gives Mrs. Satan a little kiss and let’s her know if he’ll be home late because there’s a need for a little extra unrest in the middle east. Then he hops in the Satan mobile (you would think a red car, but he thinks that’s too flashy and goes with black. Tinted windows of course. Maybe a Mustang.) Then he stops at Starbuck’s to have his coffee and go over his schedule, all the while making a mental note that when he gets some extra time he’ll have to perpetrate some evil on that guy in the suit who stares at him every morning.
Remember the 1995 Joan Osborne song, “What if God Were One of Us?” If God could be one of us, so could Satan. And if Satan had a name, I imagine it wouldn’t be any of those fancy biblical names like Beezlebub or Lucifer. Seriously, how much of a give away would that be? He’d be constantantly hounded by fans and papparazzi. No, I’m pretty sure that if Satan has a name it’s something like Ed. And yes Ms. Osborne, I would call him Ed to his face. I wonder if Ed has a blog…If he does, I’m pretty sure he gets more reads than I got last week because his friends go back to their Facebook page and click on the “Share” button. C’mon people, we can’t let evil win!
Happy Canada Day to all my Canadian friends out there. For those of you wondering, Canada Day is a celebration of the founding of Tim Hortons. Or it might also be a celebration of the enactment of the Canadian constitution which united the three colonies of New Brunswick, Nova Scotia, and Canada into a single entity still owned by Britain.
As an American, I feel like I have to point out that it seem’s like Canada is trying to steal our thunder by placing their holiday just before ours. And they weren’t even declaring independence. They are just celebrating that someone erased and drew some new lines on the map. They we’re still the British empires b#@ch. And they were happy about it. Or should I say aboot it?
Now our celebration, Independence Day, is a reason to celebrate. WE broke away from the British Empire to form our own country. That’s something to be proud of. Canada, I think you were just creating a holiday so you get an extra day off in the summer. But, through blogging, I have virtually met many Canadians and they could not be nicer. As a Canada Day gift to my to Canadian friends, and everyone else, the following links are to my favorite Canada posts over the last 13 years of #ThePhilFactor:
So there you have it. All of those an ode to my love of Canada. Happy Canada Day to all my Canadian friends and as it is with St. Patrick’s Day, we are all a little Canadian today, aren’t we? Think of all the great things Canada has given us: Justin Bieber, Alex Trebek, and hockey in Las Vegas. Have a great Sunday! ~Phil
(June 21, 2014) Typically I’m all about suffering fools gladly because I am so wise. Today, not so much. Well, not so much the suffering fools part I mean. Of course I’m still wise. That’s why you read my blog right? The Phil Factor: Where Wisdom Gets Drunk and Let’s Its Hair Down. Here are two people that I hate with the white hot intensity of a thousand suns:
No ice guy: Hey, everyone who goes to a fast food joint or restaurant and orders your beverage with “No ice please”, what is wrong with you? If you’re at a fast food restaurant a drink is so large that it could douse the sun. Do you really need the extra three ounces of sugar water that saying “No ice please!” gives you? If you’re doing it to save money so you don’t have to buy another beverage when you finish that one then you probably shouldn’t be eating out in the first place. Others may site some mythical internet rumor stating that restaurant ice is full of germs. Hey guess what? The whole world is full of germs! If you hide from germs your body won’t develop an immunity to them and when you do get exposed you’ll get sick. Don’t fear germs, embrace them!
picture credit: justalittlenutty.com
Supermarket check writer: This mostly applies to old people who haven’t learned about these new fangled debit and credit cards everyone’s been raving about for thirty years. You know what? I don’t care if you use a check. What is a big deal is when the person in line in front of me is using a check but seems to have no idea that the cashier is going to ask for payment. Look, using a check is a pre-meditated act. If you know you’re going to a store and you’re going to write a check, fill in the name of the store, today’s date, and oh..I don’t know, maybe your own freakin’ name! And for the sake of all that is good in this world do not stand at the register entering the amount in your Little House on the Prairie check register as meticulously as if God had come down from the heavens and given you the amount to inscribe on a stone tablet. You only get so much time on this Earth. Is writing checks how you want to spend it? If it’s just your own time you’re wasting, I don’t care. Write a hundred checks! If I’m in line behind you, you’re now wasting my time. This is why it’s not a good idea to have guns and ammunition available as “impulse buy” items at the check out. Hell, I’d probably have time to register the gun and pass the background check while someone is filling out a check.
So who, or what gets under your skin?As always, if you enjoyed my little rant feel free to comment and share by the Facebook, Twitter, or re-blog button below. Have a great weekend! ~ Phil
I can’t even tell you how much I hate GIFs, but when the subject of finger guns came up, how could I pass on Michael Scott? Last Friday I dropped my son off at college and for one of the pictures in his dorm room he posed, giving me the finger guns. I said to myself, “Phil, there must be a lot of perfect moments in life to pull out the finger guns. Also Phil, it’s odd that you refer to yourself in the third person in your own inner monologue.” Both very true, so I said to myself, “Phil, you should make a top ten list of the best times in life to pull out the finger guns.”
10. For your author picture on the inside cover of your next book. Mark my words folks… Time to Lie, estimated release date Dec. 2015.
9. At the end of surgery or any medical procedure really, and especially at the end of a colonoscopy or ob/gyn visit. If someone is mucking about in my private parts I want them to be confident about it.
8. Walking down the aisle after tying the knot. We’ve seen far too many wedding parties dance down the aisle to Pharrell’s Happy. How about if the bride and groom turn around and give the whole crowd the fingers guns as they leave the church?
7. Birth of a child: What wife doesn’t want the finger guns from her hubby just to say, “You did alright honey”? If that doesn’t make 20 hours of labor worth it, I don’t know what will.
6. At the end of a job interview: Win or lose, good or bad, it always looks good to walk out with a little swagger. Finger guns gives you that in any situation.
5. Funerals: Far too many funerals are ruined by a lack of humor. If the deceased was posed in the casket, or even in a chair, giving the finger guns, who wouldn’t crack a smile?
4. After winning anything: This one’s pretty obvious. Whether it be a Nobel Prize or a game of backgammon with your grandma, there’s no better way to say, I’m the man, or I’m the Woman, than with finger guns. True fact: I taught my dog to do finger guns.
Finger Gun Inventor Ted Lange
3. When you’re a bartender on a cruise ship: Actor Ted Lange, aka bartender Isaac Washington on the late 70’s/early 80’s show The Love Boat is credited as having invented the finger guns. Now all Royal Caribbean cruise ship bartenders are required to incorporate finger guns in their interactions with customers or the drinks are free.
2. Presidential debates: I hereby vow that I will give my vote to any candidate who finger guns his opponent after a rebuttal.
1. At the completion of sex. I think the most important part would be putting the guns in their imaginary holsters on your naked hips after. Please someone do this and then come back to the comments just to tell me you did.
As always, if you enjoy #ThePhilFactor please feel free to shshare by hitting the Facebook, Twiiter or re-blog buttons below. If you do I’ll give you the finger guns! Have a great Tuesday! ~Phil
If Sgt. Pepper had been promoted, this would have been an easier list. At the end please tell me your favorite or who you would add that I missed.
10. Captain Jack Sparrow is the only captain on this list wearing eye liner.
9. Captain Underpants: See? Not all captains are pirates or in the military! If you’re not familiar, Captain Underpants is a series of graphic novels, sort of, aimed at the 8-12 year old boys demographic, much like my blog.
Worst picture I’ve ever put on #ThePhilFactor
8. Captain & Tennille: A cheesy husband/wife musical duo from the 70’s. The Captains “real” name is Daryl Dragon. He and Tennille used to wife swap with Tony Orlando and Dawn.
7. Captain Morgan: Aaaand we’re back to the pirate theme. After this famous Englihman got done plundering Puerto Rico they named a rum after him.
6. Captain America: This virtuous warrior always beats Captain England in a fight.
5. Captain Hook: That hook for a hand had to crimp his style with the ladies, but on the bright side he always had a corkscrew with him.
4. Captain and Coke: If you sneak a flask of rum into the movies in your purse or under your coat, you can buy a large coke at concessions and you’re good to go for the next two hours. It makes any movie funnier.
3. Captain Kangaroo was the main character on a terrible children’s show when I was a kid. Ironically, the show never featured an actual kangaroo, so I’m not sure who he was Captain over.
2.Captain Kirk: He was a bad ass before the phrase bad ass was invented.
1. Cap’n Crunch: I’d never disrespect the inventor of crunchberries by calling him “Captain” instead of Cap’n. Pretty sure he’d shiv me with a sharpened spoon and then use it to eat his breakfast over my cold, dead body. How’s that for a bad ass Captain?
Those are the ten best captains I could think of. Did I miss any of your favorites?
Let’s face facts. That so called wedding yesterday was an abomination. What a terrible omen for the marriage of two seemingly nice people. If Britain still beheads people, whoever was the captain of that Titanic-esque disaster should be beheaded immediately. If I’m Harry, I insist on dropping the axe myself and presenting the offending head to my beloved Meghan so she can kick it across the Windsor Castle garden. Too much? I contend that the Royal Wedding was too little. Too little of everything. Talk about a snooze-fest! If that ceremony is remembered in history, it will be remembered as the most boring royal wedding ever.
Yes, I’m sure my U.K. friends, if I still have any left this far into my rant, will say that I’m just the stereotypical “ugly American” that doesn’t understand the pomp, circumstance, and traditions of English royalty. Well guess what my tea tipping friends, part of your royalty is now American. A few suspicious “accidents” and Meghan, Duchess of Suitsssex is your new Queen. If you’re going to let Americans into the monarchy, we might as well put our feet up and get comfortable. So here is how I would have planned the Royal Wedding:
Prince Harry’s Arrival: Dude showed up in a car like a commoner. Are you kidding me? You’re a fecking Prince! That is a lame arrival. A Prince needs to show up at his wedding on a giant white stallion that’s breathing fire. That’s what the chicks want to see. Seriously, what other way is there to announce yourself? I do give Harry props for inviting a couple ex-girlfriends. That’s a ballsy move.
Meghan’s Arrival: In a car with your mom? Boo hoo. How sweet! YAWN. Meghan, you’re an American! Arrive at your wedding like one! If I’m the wedding planner, Meghan parachutes onto the Windsor Castle grounds with her 100 foot train trailing behind her in the air. That, Meghan, is a badass move that would never be forgotten. That’s like legendary Disney Princess shit.
The Bishop: It’s hard to pick any problems with Reverend Michael Curry’s speech. It was pretty damn historic and spectacularly delivered. (He actually comes from my area of New York.) One of the best I’ve ever seen. I’d definitely keep the Dr. Martin Luther King speech, but… before he brings in MLK, I think he should have opened with historic words from another member of American royalty. A Prince in fact:
“Dearly beloved, we have gathered here today to get through this thing called life. Electric word life. It means forever and that’s a mighty long time, but I’m here to tell you there’s something else”
And then the choir bursts into the chorus! Oh no! Let’s Go! BOOM. Mic drop. That would have kicked off that ceremony with authority. Am I right?
The Queen and Prince Philip: OK, who dressed the Queen? You know that at 147 years old that she didn’t dress herself. Really? Electric lime green? That’s the color you chose for the Queen Mum? And why does Prince Philip always look like he has two black eyes? Apparently when they’re getting kinky in the bedroom he likes it rough. One of those bruises was in the shape of a crown imprint.
The Guest List: Sure, it’s fine that Meghan invited all of her Suits friends. You’ve always got to invite co-workers don’t you? It’s not like she ran off to Vegas. They all knew she was getting married, so there was no way around it. But why were Oprah and George Clooney there? Seriously. If I’m able to invite anyone in the world, it’s not going to be Clooney and Oprah. Boring. I’m definitely going with Kanye. I hate Kanye as much as everyone else, but I’d be on the edge of my seat the whole time waiting to see when he’s going to grab the mic to declare something ridiculous. And Peter Dinklage. He should be in everything.
I could go on, but I don’t want this to be as long as the Royal Wedding coverage. Have a great Sunday everyone! ~ Prince Philip (the American one)
Self-proclaimed grand poobah of leisure and author of humorous suspense novels The Sneaker Tree & White Picket Prisons, the humor essay book Fifty Shades of Phil and the long running blog The Phil Factor.