Tag Archives: England humor

TBT! I Predict a Riot!

This is a classic post from August of 2011 when none of you were reading my stuff. This is like reading my blog on vinyl.


It seems that jolly, old England isn’t so jolly these days. Last week, apparently triggered by the shooting of a civilian by Scotland Yard, it seems that everyone in London put down their tea and crumpets to participate in widespread rioting and looting. The English it seems are a little skittish about gunfire (see American revolution circa 1776).

Really? Scotland Yard shot someone? I had no idea they did that. Don’t you just picture Scotland Yard being a bunch of Sherlock Holmes looking guys smoking pipes and saying things like “pip pip” and “cheerio”? Apparently the people of London had no idea that Scotland Yard was into shooting people either, so the Londoners expressed their displeasure by rioting and looting, which then had to be dealt with by the London police, or constables as they’re called, who generally don’t carry guns. There’s your problem right there. You can’t name your police ‘constables’. No one is going to worry about getting roughed up by a “constable.” The English need to name their police something scary like Robocops or Dementors.


Rather than dealing with the rioters the American way, by shooting them with bullets, the English police shot them with cameras and put them on the news. They were surprised by what they found. Some of the rioters were not young thugs but some very normal, previously upstanding citizens who, apparently emboldened by the anonymity of the crowds, decided to join in the fun. An 11 year old ballerina, a 43 year old organic chef, an opera house steward, an Olympic Ambassador and many women were identified in the London police’s camera sweep. So essentially the London “constables” were relegated to tourist like photo taking to try to stop the rioting.

What could possibly possess some of these people to join in rioting and looting? No matter what is going on in my neighborhood  I’ve never thought to myself , “On the way home from work should I stop by the pub for some bangers and mash or should I heave a brick at the nearest store window?  Did the 11 year old ballerina skip down to the playground with her friends and come home with a new 42” flat screen telly she pulled from a broken store window?


I’m not a member of the NRA or anything, but I think the English ‘constables’, in addition to getting a new threatening name, need to start carrying guns. Without weapons, what do the English police do when confronted with an angry mob? I’m no law enforcement expert, but I’m pretty sure that yelling “Hey! Stop that!” is not all that intimidating, especially when yelled with an English accent. If you’ve got ballerina rioters I’m pretty sure that if you fire off a warning shot or two they’ll pirouette home to their mum pretty damn fast. Since England has by and large gone so long without armed police, I think that at the first sign of trouble if the constables climb to the top of Big Ben and just let loose a round of semi-automatic gunfire in the air most of those rioters won’t think it’s such a jolly good show anymore and run their blimey arses home to Hogwarts to feed their owls. (Yes, all my knowledge of English culture comes from the Harry Potter movies) Outside of Hurricane Katrina conditions, have you ever seen riots last a week in the United States? Of course not! We’d get shot by police and that would be bad.

If you enjoy my nonsense, instead of rioting you can peacefully protest by following me on Twitter @ThePhilFactor or by subscribing to The Phil Factor on your Amazon Kindle. Also, if you can name the musical reference I used in the title you win 20 Phil bucks which can be redeemed at The Phil Factor gift shop for a t-shirt. Cheerio!

Brexit Stage Left!

Doesn’t Brexit sound like a breakfast cereal full of fiber to make you poop? A great many people in Britain feel like they got pooped on Thursday. I’m going to attempt to bridge two cultures with humor. I’m going to try to make fun of a British situation in a way that my British friends will enjoy, while at the same time educating my American friends. 

Thursday while the United Kingdom voted to “Brexit” from the European Union, people in the United States woke up and said, “What the hell is a Brexit?” Sadly, Trump supporters woke up and said,”What the hell is the European Union?” At this very moment Donald Trump is somewhere giving a speech and promising to build a wall to keep the British out of our country.


Like that? I had it specially made for the occasion. You might be saying to yourself, Phil, why are you writing about something that 90% of Americans don’t understand? Thank you, I love it in a super weird way when you use my name while you talk to yourself. The answer to why, is that I love the United Kingdom. In fact, I am the United Kingdom. My ancestry is English, Irish and Scottish. I love it so much that I have a British themed room in my house. There’s so much British shit in there that the Germans are planning to bomb it. I also love meme generators, hence:


I was so exited about the Brexit vote on Thursday that every time I left a room I loudly said, “Looks like it’s time for me to make my Brexit!” Of course, unlike when the British leave the E.U., when I leave, the currency doesn’t collapse and ruin everyone’s 401K’s. Actually, do they have 401K’s in Britain? I’ll have to find out before I retire to London. Speaking of money and England, why the hell doesn’t the entire world just have the same money? There’s pounds, dollars, euros, ducats, francs and many others. It’s all the same thing and we spend it the same. When I’m elected President, or Sexiest Man Alive, whichever comes first, I’m going to pass a world wide law that all money must be the same. It will look like this: money

Speaking of Scotland, the Scots have got to be super pissed about the Brexit vote. Well, not pissed, because in the U.K. pissed means drunk. Well, actually, the Scots probably are pissed and really mad too. B.T. dubs, Conor MacGregor is Scottish. Imagine a whole country full of people like him:


That’s Scotland. Sometime recently Scotland was voting on whether or not to still be part of the United Kingdom, which is England, Wales, Scotland, and Northern Ireland. They voted to stay in and for the Brexit vote, everyone in Scotland also voted to stay in the European Union, but you know who had more numbers on their side? The old people in England.

England is a super old country. They love their oldness. They love that every building in England is at least a thousand years old. You know what else in England is a thousand years old? Queen Elizabeth. If I’m Prince Chuck, I’ve got to be kind of pissed right now, in both the British and American ways. Dude is like 70 and hasn’t gotten to be King yet. I know it’s his mum and all, but you’ve gotta think that sometimes he sneaks into her room at night and is just about to smother her with a pillow when she wakes up and he tucks that pillow under her tiny, old head and says, “I was just checking up on you mum. Sleep tight.” If she ever does pass away Charles will be so shocked that he’ll immediately die of a heart attack and never gets to be King.


Like I said, I love a meme generator. I could probably go on forever, but 650 words is plenty. I hope both my American and U.K. friends enjoyed this. If you’re in the U.K. I’d love it if you shared this with your Brexit friends by hitting the Facebook, Twitter or re-blog buttons below. I scheduled this to appear online at about 7 a.m. your time just so more of my British friends would see it. Just once I want to go viral in the U.K. Have a great Saturday! ~Phil