Tag Archives: current events humor

Ten Quotes! Donald Trump or Kanye West?

The Cut

You know the routine. In the comments tell me which quotes you think belong to Donald Trump and which belong to Kanye West.

10. “I’m too busy writing history to read it.”

9. “When you’re the absolute best you get hated the most.”

8. “…we build a school, we build a road, they blow up the school, we build another school, we build another road, they blow them up, we build again. In the meantime we can’t get a fucking school in Brooklyn.”

Next week do I go with Donald Trump vs. Shrek quotes?

7. “I have millions of ideas and I represent a new generation just trying to express themselves in a broken world. I will go down as the voice of this generation, of this decade. I am so credible and so influential and so relevant that I will change things.”

6. “You know what, Trump is doing a much better job than the Democrats did.”

5. “I hate when I’m on a flight and I wake up with a water bottle next to me like oh great now I gotta be responsible for this water bottle.”

4. “I am not a fan of books. I would never want a book’s autograph. I am a proud non-reader of books.”

3. “I hate it. I am a traditionalist. I have so many fabulous friends who happen to be gay, but I am a traditionalist.”

2. “When you hear about slavery for 400 years…For 400 years? That sounds like a choice.”

1. “It’s really cold outside, they are calling it a major freeze, weeks ahead of normal. Man, we could use a big fat dose of global warming!”

There you go. Can you pick which quotes are Donald Trump and which are Kanye West? Have a great Saturday! ~Phil

My Solution To The Gun Crisis in America

His eyes are closed! He definitely shouldn’t have a gun. Photo from benchmarkreporter.com

There are two sides to every argument and this one is no different. Earlier this week Donald Trump proposed that instead of more restrictions on guns in the United States we just need more guns in the United States. In fact, he wants teachers in schools to be loaded for bear just in case a school shooter steps on the premises. More people with guns and bullets flying in multiple directions? (Warning: Read the next sentence with extreme sarcasm) I don’t see how that could go wrong!

Being a reasonable and rational man, (I can see you rolling your eyes right now. Stop that!) I decided to delve into this argument and look at it from both sides. The concern of many is the type of guns available to just about anybody. In some states, if you’ve got a pulse and a United States birth certificate, you can get an automatic weapon with nobody even blinking an eye. For some, it’s the type of gun that people can get their hands on that’s the problem. I couldn’t agree more. Automatic weapons are tools of war and have no place in the hands and homes of civilians.

Think about comparing guns to cars. Anybody and everybody can get a license to drive a car, but not just anybody can drive a military tank. I’m not saying all guns should be eliminated, just the types that are dangerous in the hands of the wrong people. Just like cars, I can drive one, but I probably shouldn’t be able to go to my local department store and buy a military tank. I’d be pretty dangerous with that. I say let everyone have access to guns, but only certain kinds. What kinds you ask? Here’s where I get creative!

Lets take the dangerous guns out of the hands of the public. Which ones though? My suggestions is to take away the ones with bullets. Guns don’t kill people. Bullets kill people. It’s pretty rare that an empty gun has ever killed anyone, despite all the pistol whipping you see in crime shows. But, criminals will be criminals, so we can’t just take away the bullets. They’d find a way to get them illegally. So we have to take away all the bullets and the dangerous guns.

I’m sure you’re saying to yourself, “But Phil, what guns aren’t dangerous?” First, I like that you said “But Phil” when thinking to yourself. Secondly there are only three types of guns the public should be allowed to have: Nerf, water, and Potato.  I’m sure most of you are familiar with the first two. If you’re not familiar with Potato guns, here’s the description from Wikipedia:  A potato cannon is a pipe-based cannon which uses air pressure (pneumatic), or combustion of a flammable gas (aerosol, propane, etc.), to launch projectiles at high speeds. They are built to fire chunks of potato. When I was a kid we fired tennis balls out of them instead of potatoes. Sure, if the gas or propane backfires, you’ve got a big problem, but in that case only the shooter gets hurt. Now if someone decided to shoot tater tots, that would be an epically good use of a Spud gun as long as someone else had a ketchup gun.

Yes, when I’m elected President, or Sexiest Man Alive, whichever comes first,  I’m removing all bullet firing weapons from the public domain with the exception of law enforcement and the military. Don’t give me the protecting your own home or hunting argument. More guns in homes accidentally kill people in the home than they do criminals. Get yourself an alarm system and a baseball bat. Hunting? Really? Is there anyone in the United States that needs to hunt to survive? Bueller? Bueller? Yeah, I didn’t think so. If you really like shooting or want a gun in your home, get a Nerf gun or a potato gun. Like Ralphie’s mother worried, you might shoot your eye out, but nobody’s getting killed. Trust me, we don’t need guns. We’re idiots. The fact that the Kardashians are still on TV proves that. #PHIL2020

Have a great Saturday! ~Phil

Three Things in The World That Need Fixing

And I’m the guy to fix them. As I always say, when I’m elected President, or Sexiest Man Alive, whichever comes first, I will fix these three things.

1. What kind of Zone is Worse Than the Friend Zone? Time zones, that’s what’s worse. Last week I traveled for work and I was three time zones away from home. It was stupid. If I wanted to call or text someone back home I had to do math. “Well, I can’t call now because even though it’s a reasonable time here, they’ve already gone to bed.” What time should I call you? 8:00? Yes. Your time or my time? And then, when I woke up in the morning in Pacific time, half the friggin’ day was already done on the East coast. Here’s my solution: When I’m elected President, (#PHIL2020) I will abolish time zones.  Boom. Mic drop. It will be a 24 hour clock and it will the same time everywhere, ALL THE TIME. What time do you want me to call? 4:00? Boom. Done. The whole world. Yes, I’m going to be President of the whole world.

This is how healthy McDonald’s will seem

2. Not So Happy Meals: McDonald’s is making cheeseburgers available in Happy Meals only by request and reducing the size of fries that come with McNuggets. AND they’re reducing the amount of sugar in their chocolate milk. Are you kidding me? Hello McFlyDonalds! We already have almond milk! Why do we need reduced sugar chocolate milk?!!? We know how to drink water and when we walk into McDonald’s we are choosing not to drink water. If we wanted to eat healthy; if we wanted our kids to eat healthy, we wouldn’t have walked into McDonald’s in the first place.  Nobody goes to McDonald’s looking for broccoli. Stay in your lane. Do what you’re good at. As President I will invoke eminent domain and block this idiotic move.

3. Guns: I’m sick and tired of senseless violence and people blaming shootings on “mental health issues.” Guess what? We can’t get rid of mental health issues, but we can get rid of guns. As President and Sexiest Man Alive, (Yes I plan to hold both titles simultaneously. Also, as a psychic, I predict that upon reading this, People Magazine will choose to name Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau 2018’s Sexiest Man Alive in November.) Back to me. As President I will mandate that all automatic weapons and handguns be removed from the public domain. If you’re a “hunter” and you need an automatic weapon, then you’re a moron and shouldn’t be allowed to have any guns. People can still hunt deer with a normal one-shot-at-a-time shotgun, but outside of that, only law enforcement and active military can have any kind of guns. Yes, it will be a hard, long battle to get rid of guns, but it needs to be done. #ParklandStrong

Sorry that I got a little heavy there at the end, but something needs to change. Something that transcends political lines. Something that has only the best interest of people at heart. If I can pull this off, would it be so bad if I also made McDonald’s serve bad food and put the entire world on the same time? Feel free to share by one of the social media buttons below.

Have a great Saturday! #PHIL2020

The Winter Olympics: Is That Still A Thing?

Will I watch the Olympic opening ceremonies? No. I saw the Super Bowl half-time show last weekend. That’s enough pomp and circumstance for me for the month.  Is it just me or are the Olympic opening ceremonies just a cross between an elaborate drama club production and a marching band half-time show?

japanese-skis

Not only am I not interested in the opening ceremonies, but the Winter Olympics in general are the equivalent of televised Liquid NyQuil. You can’t possibly get me to believe that virtually every Olympian has overcome decades of great personal tragedy to reach their lofty goal.  I think the networks spend more time telling you about the athletes than they do letting you watch them.

Olympic Announcer 1: “Welcome to Seoul, South Korea! Here we are at the first round of the 10,000 Meter Cross Country Skiing Championship. The favorite in the event is the Swede, Signard Snuffleupagusmussen.”

Olympic Announcer 2: “Very few people know this, but Signard had to overcome decades of great personal tragedy to reach his lofty goal.”

Olympic Announcer 1: “You don’t say? How unusual!”

Olympic Announcer 2: That’s right Announcer 1. As a child, Signard was afflicted with near paralyzing ingrown toenails. His doctors told Signard’s parents that it was possible that little Signard would have to wear open-toed shoes forever. His hopes of being an Olympic cross-country skier looked hopeless. “

Olympic Announcer 1: “Also, in a frigid, Nordic country such as Sweden, there is no season good for open-toed shoes. Fortunately for the viewers we have a 30-minute video clip of Signard training with his specially made open-toed ski boots. What courage it must have taken!”

Olympic Announcer 2: As if that weren’t enough of a challenge Signard was born left-handed and still struggles to button his shirts properly to this day!

Ok, I may watch a bit of the opening ceremonies. All I’ve got to say is that the Winter Olympics need to be cancelled because apparently there isn’t a country in the world that can find a good looking winter hat for their teams to wear.  Also, I’m moving to the Phillipines. First off, the country is named after me, and secondly, they only have one Olympian. I’m pretty sure I could make the team there. Just by virtue of growing up in upstate New York I have better Nordic skills than everyone in the Phillipines.

biathlon-14

What’s the deal with the Biathalon? You ski for a bit and then you pull out a rifle and shoot at things. That sounds like terrorist training for Nordic countries.  Although, have you ever noticed that terrorist acts never take place in cold weather countries? If the Olympic committee wants to stop worrying about terrorist attacks at the Olympics they should just award the Games to Greenland every four years.

In my esteemed opinion almost all Winter Olympic events are just stuff kids do when they’re playing outside on Christmas break. Luge? Skeleton? Bobsled? Sledding, sledding, and more sledding! We could all do that!  Figure skating? That’s just toddler pageants on ice! Snowboarding? I bet you could go to any ski mountain anywhere in the world and find a dozen teenagers high on pot doing better tricks than Shaun White.

As always, if you enjoy #ThePhilFactor in the spirit of the Olypmics please share it by hitting the Facebook, Twitter or other share buttons below. Have a great weekend! ~Phil

Picture credits: funy-potato.com and adventure.howstuffworks.com

The Great Nutella War of 2018

If you’re goin’ through hell keep on going
Don’t slow down if you’re scared don’t show it
You might get out before the devil even knows you’re there ~Rodney Atkins

I  haven’t been to hell, but I’ve been to France once, for just eight hours. It was Paris. I can’t really elaborate more. We were given a job to do, we did it and got out before they knew we had been there.

It’s a good thing I got out in time. I’m not saying that I went to France to smuggle Nutella out of the country, but I’m not saying I didn’t either. Like I said, it was good that I got out because on Friday a French supermarket chain, Intermarche, put Nutella on sale. Awesome, right? Who doesn’t love Nutella? Apparently, those of us who think we love Nutella don’t love Nutella the way the French love Nutella. They love it so much that it hurts. Their love of Nutella doesn’t hurt themselves, but occasionally, if it’s on sale, their love of Nutella hurts other people.  (See how all the Nutella’s are hyperlinked? Each one is linked to the Nutella website for a different country)

Apparently the French went full on Black Friday over a Nutella sale. Police had to break up fights in one supermarket. One customer had a black eye, one woman had her hair pulled, another was hit in the head with a box and another customer had a bloody hand. And it wasn’t just one supermarket. This occurred all over the country.

France, which is infamously not good at fighting wars, seems to have found their passion. If I need to hire a team of mercenaries to fight terrorists, I’m hiring a bunch of French people and telling them that the terrorists have all the Nutella.

Here’s a new ad slogan: Nutella! Because you can’t punch someone without just cause!

Here is my list of things for which I would go ‘French Nutella beserker’ for:

Cheez-ItsThis is my drug of choice. If at some time it’s discovered that the chemical responsible for Cheez-Its orange color is poisonous and they’re being taken off store shelves, I drop what I’m doing, empty my bank account and immediately drive the nearest store to buy all the Cheez-Its.”Cheez-Its! The official snack cracker of The Phil Factor!” I like the sound of that. Cheez-It people get at me.

Girl Scout cookiesThese sweet treats are incredibly satisfying and because they’re sweet they balance out the salty from my Cheez-Its. I can switch back and forth between the two for a balanced diet. As always, I’m open to sponsorship opportunities. Girl Scouts get at me! Kidding. Not the actual Girl Scouts, but maybe their cute moms. Kidding! I’m married. Just bring me the cookies. Those are more attractive to me than women at this point in my life.

So, what things do you like so much that you’d go “French Nutella berserker” about? Put yours in the comments! Have a great Sunday! ~Phil

#PHIL2020

Sarcasm Outlawed? Ron Burgundy To The Rescue!

Kim Jong Un loves The Phil Factor

Apparently I’ve lapsed in my consumption of North Korean news. I just heard from a comedian on Netflix that last year North Korean leader Kim Jong Un outlawed sarcasm in North Korea because he didn’t want anyone making fun of him. Well, there goes my vacation to the North Korean riviera. How the hell do the police pull someone over for sarcasm?

North Korean Judge: Your client is on trial for sarcasm. How does he plead?

North Korean Lawyer: My client pleads innocent. He was being facetious, not sarcastic.

North Korean Judge: Guilty! Death penalty for you both!

I love sarcasm and I love sarcastic people. Apparently Kim Jong Un feels about me the way my wife did before we started dating. After I got to know my wife she admitted that before we dated she was afraid to talk to me because I was so sarcastic. But then, eventually she grew to love me. I assume Kim Jong Un will do the same by the end of this blog post.

In fact, using Google translate and Ron Burgundy I would like to try to mend fences with the misunderstood North Korean President. I will translate some crucial peacekeeping sentences into Korean in hopes that Kim Jong Un will see this post and welcome me and my sarcasm into his warm embrace.

Ron Burgundy: You have an absolutely breathtaking hiney!

Korean: 너는절대적으로숨이멎을듯한엉덩이를가지고있다!

Apparently with this blog post I’m alienating both North & South Korea!

Ron Burgundy:  You look awfully nice tonight. Hmm? Maybe don’t wear a bra next time.

Korean: 오늘너무멋져보인다. ? 다음에브래지어를입지않을수도있습니다.

Ron Burgundy: You are a smelly pirate hooker!

Korean: 너는냄새나는해적창녀!

Ron Burgundy: Why don’t you go back to your home on whore island?

Korean: 창녀섬에있는집으로돌아가지그래?

There you go world. You’re welcome. In less than 500 words I’ve repaired U.S./North Korea relations and prevented World War III. If any of my Korean readers would like to chip in and correct any errors I’ve made in translation, feel free. If anyone else has some phrases they think would be helpful, by all means put them in the comments. Have a great Saturday! ~Phil

Dear Donald Trump,

Dear Donald Trump,

I’m only using “Dear” in the most traditional sense, not because I have an affection for you, but because it is traditional and respectful to start a letter that way. Traditional and respectful are both things with which you seem unfamiliar. I have taken it upon myself to write this letter to you on behalf of the rest of the human race. Yes, I said the rest of the human race, as if we are separate from you. Your words and actions seem to indicate that you are very separate from us.

To borrow from George Bailey, on behalf of the human race, I’d like to say: Just remember this, Mr. Potter Trump, that this rabble you’re talking about, they do most of the working and paying and living and dying in this community country. Well, is it too much to have them work and pay and live and die in a couple of decent rooms and a bath? Anyway, my father didn’t think so. People were human beings to him, but to you, a warped, frustrated old man, they’re cattle. Well, in my book he died a much richer man than you’ll ever be.

Designating myself to represent the rest of the human race may seem arrogant on my part, but I assume that is a characteristic that you understand and respect. I know that you always think that you’re the smartest guy in the room, but the smartest guy in any room is never smarter than the rest of the room together. I’d like to see you get you’re hearing problem checked out. You’re an older man and you seem to have significant trouble hearing your advisers, your cabinet members, and the American people telling you to shut the eff up. Maybe if you aren’t good at listening, you’ll be good at reading. Maybe people will like this blog post so much that it gets retweeted to you. That’s a medium you seem to understand.

You seem fixated on North Korea and their crazy dictator right now. That’s valid. They pose a danger to the rest of the world if they start launching nuclear missiles. You and Kim Jong-Un are trading verbal nuclear missiles right now like two junior high bullies in a pissing contest. How about, for a change,  you be the adult in this one. With all your “fire and fury” and “Locked and loaded” comments, do you know who you sound like? You sound like Kim Jong-Un, a crazy, irrational dictator. In the words of President Teddy Roosevelt, “speak softly and carry a big stick.” Look, we’re the United States. Everyone knows we have the big stick. We have the worlds largest arsenal and the worlds largest military force. You have the big stick and everybody, including Kim Jong-Un knows it. Just shut the eff up and take care of the problem the way your cabinet and advisers, except your son-in law, tell you to.

As for your domestic agenda, what is it? Is it to reverse everything your predecessor did? That seems to be all you’re doing. Like Richard Gere’s character in Pretty Woman learned, if you want to be remembered, build something. If you just destroy without replacing you’ll have a hole. And people will regard you as one as well.

If you want to act like a dictator, go back to a reality TV show. In the real world, your act doesn’t work. Name one real life crazy dictator that had a reign that ended well? You know, if you don’t like this President job, you can resign. Nobody will think worse of you. It’s impossible to. If your ridiculous behavior continues, it’s possible the American people will say, to borrow a phrase from a clown I saw on TV, “You’re fired!”

Sincerely,

Phil and the human race.