Tag Archives: current events humor

Sarcasm Outlawed? Ron Burgundy To The Rescue!

Kim Jong Un loves The Phil Factor

Apparently I’ve lapsed in my consumption of North Korean news. I just heard from a comedian on Netflix that last year North Korean leader Kim Jong Un outlawed sarcasm in North Korea because he didn’t want anyone making fun of him. Well, there goes my vacation to the North Korean riviera. How the hell do the police pull someone over for sarcasm?

North Korean Judge: Your client is on trial for sarcasm. How does he plead?

North Korean Lawyer: My client pleads innocent. He was being facetious, not sarcastic.

North Korean Judge: Guilty! Death penalty for you both!

I love sarcasm and I love sarcastic people. Apparently Kim Jong Un feels about me the way my wife did before we started dating. After I got to know my wife she admitted that before we dated she was afraid to talk to me because I was so sarcastic. But then, eventually she grew to love me. I assume Kim Jong Un will do the same by the end of this blog post.

In fact, using Google translate and Ron Burgundy I would like to try to mend fences with the misunderstood North Korean President. I will translate some crucial peacekeeping sentences into Korean in hopes that Kim Jong Un will see this post and welcome me and my sarcasm into his warm embrace.

Ron Burgundy: You have an absolutely breathtaking hiney!

Korean: 너는절대적으로숨이멎을듯한엉덩이를가지고있다!

Apparently with this blog post I’m alienating both North & South Korea!

Ron Burgundy:  You look awfully nice tonight. Hmm? Maybe don’t wear a bra next time.

Korean: 오늘너무멋져보인다. ? 다음에브래지어를입지않을수도있습니다.

Ron Burgundy: You are a smelly pirate hooker!

Korean: 너는냄새나는해적창녀!

Ron Burgundy: Why don’t you go back to your home on whore island?

Korean: 창녀섬에있는집으로돌아가지그래?

There you go world. You’re welcome. In less than 500 words I’ve repaired U.S./North Korea relations and prevented World War III. If any of my Korean readers would like to chip in and correct any errors I’ve made in translation, feel free. If anyone else has some phrases they think would be helpful, by all means put them in the comments. Have a great Saturday! ~Phil

Dear Donald Trump,

Dear Donald Trump,

I’m only using “Dear” in the most traditional sense, not because I have an affection for you, but because it is traditional and respectful to start a letter that way. Traditional and respectful are both things with which you seem unfamiliar. I have taken it upon myself to write this letter to you on behalf of the rest of the human race. Yes, I said the rest of the human race, as if we are separate from you. Your words and actions seem to indicate that you are very separate from us.

To borrow from George Bailey, on behalf of the human race, I’d like to say: Just remember this, Mr. Potter Trump, that this rabble you’re talking about, they do most of the working and paying and living and dying in this community country. Well, is it too much to have them work and pay and live and die in a couple of decent rooms and a bath? Anyway, my father didn’t think so. People were human beings to him, but to you, a warped, frustrated old man, they’re cattle. Well, in my book he died a much richer man than you’ll ever be.

Designating myself to represent the rest of the human race may seem arrogant on my part, but I assume that is a characteristic that you understand and respect. I know that you always think that you’re the smartest guy in the room, but the smartest guy in any room is never smarter than the rest of the room together. I’d like to see you get you’re hearing problem checked out. You’re an older man and you seem to have significant trouble hearing your advisers, your cabinet members, and the American people telling you to shut the eff up. Maybe if you aren’t good at listening, you’ll be good at reading. Maybe people will like this blog post so much that it gets retweeted to you. That’s a medium you seem to understand.

You seem fixated on North Korea and their crazy dictator right now. That’s valid. They pose a danger to the rest of the world if they start launching nuclear missiles. You and Kim Jong-Un are trading verbal nuclear missiles right now like two junior high bullies in a pissing contest. How about, for a change,  you be the adult in this one. With all your “fire and fury” and “Locked and loaded” comments, do you know who you sound like? You sound like Kim Jong-Un, a crazy, irrational dictator. In the words of President Teddy Roosevelt, “speak softly and carry a big stick.” Look, we’re the United States. Everyone knows we have the big stick. We have the worlds largest arsenal and the worlds largest military force. You have the big stick and everybody, including Kim Jong-Un knows it. Just shut the eff up and take care of the problem the way your cabinet and advisers, except your son-in law, tell you to.

As for your domestic agenda, what is it? Is it to reverse everything your predecessor did? That seems to be all you’re doing. Like Richard Gere’s character in Pretty Woman learned, if you want to be remembered, build something. If you just destroy without replacing you’ll have a hole. And people will regard you as one as well.

If you want to act like a dictator, go back to a reality TV show. In the real world, your act doesn’t work. Name one real life crazy dictator that had a reign that ended well? You know, if you don’t like this President job, you can resign. Nobody will think worse of you. It’s impossible to. If your ridiculous behavior continues, it’s possible the American people will say, to borrow a phrase from a clown I saw on TV, “You’re fired!”

Sincerely,

Phil and the human race.

Man’s (and Woman’s) Best Friends Are Not To Be Trusted

Parrot_Tweet

Have you ever been at home alone, except for one of your pets, and maybe you hit your thumb with a hammer while hanging a picture? Once the nerves in your thumb alert your brain that said thumb has been crushed, you then let loose with a barrage of obscenities that would be deemed to offensive for a Quentin Tarantino movie. Or perhaps, in front of friends you present yourself as a refined, erudite, philosophical scholar but as soon as you’re out of the sight of others you binge watch South Park. Or maybe you and your spouse enjoy a little role playing in the privacy of your own home. (I know nothing of this but I’ve heard of it in books and movies) All those things are perfectly fine. We all have one side of ourselves that we show the world and perhaps a more relaxed side of us that sees the light of day when we’re out of the public eye.

8b82e42c01bf0ea0c1f61344cc289693

What if when you let out your relaxed side at home, your pet could tell on you? That’s the problem a woman in Michigan may be facing. She is on trial for the murder of her husband. After the husband was shot to death in his home, his pet parrot was given to his ex-wife. Several weeks after the bird had been relocated, his new/old owner overheard the parrot, Bud, speaking. According to the Detroit Free Press: Bud speaking in both male and female voices as if having a conversation, the Free Press reported. The parrot, in a man’s voice, said “Get out,” followed by the woman’s voice saying, “Where will I go?” The man’s voice answered, “Don’t f—ing shoot,” the Free Press reported.”

Live in such a way that you would not be ashamed to sell your parrot to the town gossip ~Will Rogers

Currently experts are debating if the parrots statements could be admissible in court as evidence. Are you kidding me?!!? Getting sent up the river for life because you get ratted out by your pet? Especially ironic if your pet is a rat. That witness for the prosecution isn’t a parrot! It’s a stool pigeon! (If you’re not a hundred years old, here’s the definition of a stool pigeon)

Not that I’m doing anything nefarious or have plans to, but I’m going to look at my cat and dog in a whole new light from now on. First, I’m immediately going to stop teaching them to speak. Secondly, I’m going to start making them watch the Sarah McLachlan animal cruelty videos:

The implication will be clear. Keep your furry little yaps shut or that could be you in that cage. There is no way that I’m taking a chance on going to prison because some new age Mark Fuhrman bribed my dog with a few Kibbles ‘n Bits. BTW, speaking of the O.J. Simpson trial of the 90’s, did you know that Kim Kardashian‘s dad was one of O.J.’s lawyers. (Kim is going to be thrilled to see that her personal website is now linked to #ThePhilFactor) And furthermore, O.J. Simpson was not convicted of those murders. You know why? Because his fecking pets kept their mouth shut and didn’t testify against him.

I just got a hilarious idea for another post on this topic. It would be too long to add to this. Maybe tomorrow, maybe next Saturday. I know you have to get on with your day. Thanks for stopping by. Have a great Saturday! ~Phil

Brexit Stage Left!

Doesn’t Brexit sound like a breakfast cereal full of fiber to make you poop? A great many people in Britain feel like they got pooped on Thursday. I’m going to attempt to bridge two cultures with humor. I’m going to try to make fun of a British situation in a way that my British friends will enjoy, while at the same time educating my American friends.

Thursday while the United Kingdom voted to “Brexit” from the European Union, people in the United States woke up and said, “What the hell is a Brexit?” Sadly, Trump supporters woke up and said,”What the hell is the European Union?” At this very moment Donald Trump is somewhere giving a speech and promising to build a wall to keep the British out of our country.

Brexit

Like that? I had it specially made for the occasion. You might be saying to yourself, Phil, why are you writing about something that 90% of Americans don’t understand? Thank you, I love it in a super weird way when you use my name while you talk to yourself. The answer to why, is that I love the United Kingdom. In fact, I am the United Kingdom. My ancestry is English, Irish and Scottish. I love it so much that I have a British themed room in my house. There’s so much British shit in there that the Germans are planning to bomb it. I also love meme generators, hence:

england_o_439500

I was so exited about the Brexit vote on Thursday that every time I left a room I loudly said, “Looks like it’s time for me to make my Brexit!” Of course, unlike when the British leave the E.U., when I leave, the currency doesn’t collapse and ruin everyone’s 401K’s. Actually, do they have 401K’s in Britain? I’ll have to find out before I retire to London. Speaking of money and England, why the hell doesn’t the entire world just have the same money? There’s pounds, dollars, euros, ducats, francs and many others. It’s all the same thing and we spend it the same. When I’m elected President, or Sexiest Man Alive, whichever comes first, I’m going to pass a world wide law that all money must be the same. It will look like this: money

Speaking of Scotland, the Scots have got to be super pissed about the Brexit vote. Well, not pissed, because in the U.K. pissed means drunk. Well, actually, the Scots probably are pissed and really mad too. B.T. dubs, Conor MacGregor is Scottish. Imagine a whole country full of people like him:

1118731

That’s Scotland. Sometime recently Scotland was voting on whether or not to still be part of the United Kingdom, which is England, Wales, Scotland, and Northern Ireland. They voted to stay in and for the Brexit vote, everyone in Scotland also voted to stay in the European Union, but you know who had more numbers on their side? The old people in England.

England is a super old country. They love their oldness. They love that every building in England is at least a thousand years old. You know what else in England is a thousand years old? Queen Elizabeth. If I’m Prince Chuck, I’ve got to be kind of pissed right now, in both the British and American ways. Dude is like 70 and hasn’t gotten to be King yet. I know it’s his mum and all, but you’ve gotta think that sometimes he sneaks into her room at night and is just about to smother her with a pillow when she wakes up and he tucks that pillow under her tiny, old head and says, “I was just checking up on you mum. Sleep tight.” If she ever does pass away Charles will be so shocked that he’ll immediately die of a heart attack and never gets to be King.

elizabeth-ii-swag-bitch_fb_2309567

Like I said, I love a meme generator. I could probably go on forever, but 650 words is plenty. I hope both my American and U.K. friends enjoyed this. If you’re in the U.K. I’d love it if you shared this with your Brexit friends by hitting the Facebook, Twitter or re-blog buttons below. I scheduled this to appear online at about 7 a.m. your time just so more of my British friends would see it. Just once I want to go viral in the U.K. Have a great Saturday! ~Phil

Brexit Stage Left!

Doesn’t Brexit sound like a breakfast cereal full of fiber to make you poop? A great many people in Britain feel like they got pooped on Thursday. I’m going to attempt to bridge two cultures with humor. I’m going to try to make fun of a British situation in a way that my British friends will enjoy, while at the same time educating my American friends. 

Thursday while the United Kingdom voted to “Brexit” from the European Union, people in the United States woke up and said, “What the hell is a Brexit?” Sadly, Trump supporters woke up and said,”What the hell is the European Union?” At this very moment Donald Trump is somewhere giving a speech and promising to build a wall to keep the British out of our country.

Brexit

Like that? I had it specially made for the occasion. You might be saying to yourself, Phil, why are you writing about something that 90% of Americans don’t understand? Thank you, I love it in a super weird way when you use my name while you talk to yourself. The answer to why, is that I love the United Kingdom. In fact, I am the United Kingdom. My ancestry is English, Irish and Scottish. I love it so much that I have a British themed room in my house. There’s so much British shit in there that the Germans are planning to bomb it. I also love meme generators, hence:

england_o_439500

I was so exited about the Brexit vote on Thursday that every time I left a room I loudly said, “Looks like it’s time for me to make my Brexit!” Of course, unlike when the British leave the E.U., when I leave, the currency doesn’t collapse and ruin everyone’s 401K’s. Actually, do they have 401K’s in Britain? I’ll have to find out before I retire to London. Speaking of money and England, why the hell doesn’t the entire world just have the same money? There’s pounds, dollars, euros, ducats, francs and many others. It’s all the same thing and we spend it the same. When I’m elected President, or Sexiest Man Alive, whichever comes first, I’m going to pass a world wide law that all money must be the same. It will look like this: money

Speaking of Scotland, the Scots have got to be super pissed about the Brexit vote. Well, not pissed, because in the U.K. pissed means drunk. Well, actually, the Scots probably are pissed and really mad too. B.T. dubs, Conor MacGregor is Scottish. Imagine a whole country full of people like him:

1118731

That’s Scotland. Sometime recently Scotland was voting on whether or not to still be part of the United Kingdom, which is England, Wales, Scotland, and Northern Ireland. They voted to stay in and for the Brexit vote, everyone in Scotland also voted to stay in the European Union, but you know who had more numbers on their side? The old people in England.

England is a super old country. They love their oldness. They love that every building in England is at least a thousand years old. You know what else in England is a thousand years old? Queen Elizabeth. If I’m Prince Chuck, I’ve got to be kind of pissed right now, in both the British and American ways. Dude is like 70 and hasn’t gotten to be King yet. I know it’s his mum and all, but you’ve gotta think that sometimes he sneaks into her room at night and is just about to smother her with a pillow when she wakes up and he tucks that pillow under her tiny, old head and says, “I was just checking up on you mum. Sleep tight.” If she ever does pass away Charles will be so shocked that he’ll immediately die of a heart attack and never gets to be King.

elizabeth-ii-swag-bitch_fb_2309567

Like I said, I love a meme generator. I could probably go on forever, but 650 words is plenty. I hope both my American and U.K. friends enjoyed this. If you’re in the U.K. I’d love it if you shared this with your Brexit friends by hitting the Facebook, Twitter or re-blog buttons below. I scheduled this to appear online at about 7 a.m. your time just so more of my British friends would see it. Just once I want to go viral in the U.K. Have a great Saturday! ~Phil

Three More Things…

About a year ago I posted Three Things and over the last two months that post from last March is suddenly getting a steady stream of views. So, not being one to look a gift horse, or gift blog views, in the mouth I decided I’d write the sequel in hopes of getting more views that I can’t explain. Also, there’s been some idiotic stuff going on in the world lately that I need to make fun of.

VANCOUVER, B.C.: JUNE 15, 2013 -- Cyclists unite for World Naked Bike Ride day on Saturday, June15, 2013. Hundreds stripped down to protest against oil dependency and car culture. (photo by Jenelle Schneider/PNG)(The Province story by )

Naked Butts aren’t always good: Last weekend in Brazil, cyclists, not all of whom had had a Brazilian, took to the streets riding their bicycles naked to create awareness about car emissions and to protest the lack of bicycle lanes in many cities. Naked butts on bicycle seats seems more aimed at making us aware of human emissions if you ask me. Apparently this is a regular thing that’s done all over the world. Look, I’m as big a fan of nakedness as the next guy, but there’s just certain things you don’t want to see naked people doing and cycling is one of them. Naked butts on bicycle seats? Ugh. That is serious terrorism.  Somebody give these protesters whatever they want.

1297806079773_ORIGINAL

The Shoe is on the Other Foot: Canada has a problem. This past week, for the 13th time since 2007, a shoe with a foot in it has washed up on a Canadian shore. Thirteen times in nine years? That’s more than once a year that this happens. No one ever shows up to claim the foot and shoe. I find this funny because in 2007, when this started, a fellow blogger from Canada sent me an article thinking that I would find the odd phenomenon funny. With Canada’s police force riding around on horses I can’t imagine why they haven’t solved this yet. Speaking of Canada, I’ll be sneaking over your border later today, but don’t worry, I plan to enter and leave with both of my feet.

presidentsrow

Former First Lady Passes Away: This past week the wife of former President Ronald Reagan passed away. Yes, sad, but what always gets me is when they say that the casket will be “on display in the Presidential library” for a few days before the funeral. In the library? Right next to the card catalog?  Jeez, it’s no wonder kids don’t read anymore.

Have a great weekend! ~Phil