Tag Archives: poop humor

Throwback Thursday! I Know Your Booty Business

(Jan. 7 2017) Yesterday at the supermarket I felt a twinge of shame. I had gone there to buy one thing, toilet paper. As soon as I picked it up I could feel the furtive glances. Others assuming as they silently passed judgement that I was silently passing gas. They knew. They knew that I had pooped and was planning to poop again in the future. Maybe a lot. I imagined that at least one of them thought to themselves, “Sheesh! That’s a lot of toilet paper for one person. He must really have a problem.” So of course I bought another item so that the other customers and the cashier wouldn’t think that I had come there just for toilet tissue. I bought ginger ale. When you do buy that one additional item with toilet paper, make sure it’s not paper towels or tissues. People will assume the obvious.

We all do it. When we’re buying any product that has anything to do with our nether regions, we feel a little embarrassment even though every other person on the planet does exactly what we do every day. Why? Why do we all get that little twinge of shame at others knowing our booty business? ( I just coined the phrase “booty business”. If I ever own a strip club, or an exclusive toilet paper boutique, that’s what I’m going to name it.)

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You’re damn right Oprah. Everybody poops. Even the Pope poops. Although I imagine that the Pope pooping has got to be a process. It can’t be easy to get out of that robe quickly. That thing is like a wedding dress. Do the Cardinals have to help him? What does he do if the urge comes on all of a sudden? Maybe he had a questionable taco late night and next morning he’s in the middle of Sunday mass at the Vatican. If you and I are at work, we can just pop off to the loo for a few minutes without anybody noticing. The Pope however doesn’t have that luxury. What if it’s an “emergency” and he has to leave in the middle of mass and forgets to take his microphone off? You thought the puffs of smoke coming from the Vatican chimney are announcing a new Pope? Not always! Pope poop problems sort of put my buying toilet paper embarrassment in perspective.

What about the President or Prime Minister? They’ve got security with them at all times! If they’re away from home giving speeches, does the security have to enter the rest room with them? I’d love to listen to their communications into their little microphones and earpieces at a time like that.

Bravo One reporting. The Eagle needs a nest ASAP. We may have a nuclear emergency, if you know what I mean.”

“Bravo Charlie Zulu reporting. We have located a nest. The Eagle has landed. I repeat, The Eagle has landed (cough, cough) and ugh. Eeeew! Jeez! What did he eat last night? Oh my God. I am not getting paid enough for this.”

Bravo One reporting. Umm Bravo Charlie Zulu, your mic is still live. I repeat. You mic is still live.”

“Bravo Charlie Zulu reporting. My mic may be live, but whatever came out of him definitely isn’t. (vomiting noises)

Do the security guys have to stand right outside the door every time a President goes all day long? When I’m the President, that’s going to cause problems for me. I won’t be able to just let it go.

Parody video by Nick L’Mao and singing by Sarah Brown

Yes, I know some of you may be disappointed that I took the low road and departed from my usual high brow, intellectual humor, but c’mon, wasn’t this funny? And in laughing about and learning about others booty business, don’t we all feel better?

As always, if you enjoyed #ThePhilFactor feel free to share it by hitting the Facebook or Twitter share buttons below. Have a great weekend and a great poo! ~Phil

I Know Your Booty Business!

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Yesterday at the supermarket I felt a twinge of shame. I had gone there to buy one thing, toilet paper. As soon as I picked it up I could feel the furtive glances. Others assuming as they silently passed judgement that I was silently passing gas. They knew. They knew that I had pooped and was planning to poop again in the future. Maybe a lot. I imagined that at least one of them thought to themselves, “Sheesh! That’s a lot of toilet paper for one person. He must really have a problem.” So of course I bought another item so that the other customers and the cashier wouldn’t think that I had come there just for toilet tissue. I bought ginger ale. When you do buy that one additional item with toilet paper, make sure it’s not paper towels or tissues. People will assume the obvious.

We all do it. When we’re buying any product that has anything to do with our nether regions, we feel a little embarrassment even though every other person on the planet does exactly what we do every day. Why? Why do we all get that little twinge of shame at others knowing our booty business? ( I just coined the phrase “booty business”. If I ever own a strip club, or an exclusive toilet paper boutique, that’s what I’m going to name it.)

ckiub

You’re damn right Oprah. Everybody poops. Even the Pope poops. Although I imagine that the Pope pooping has got to be a process. It can’t be easy to get out of that robe quickly. That thing is like a wedding dress. Do the Cardinals have to help him? What does he do if the urge comes on all of a sudden? Maybe he had a questionable taco late night and next morning he’s in the middle of Sunday mass at the Vatican. If you and I are at work, we can just pop off to the loo for a few minutes without anybody noticing. The Pope however doesn’t have that luxury. What if it’s an “emergency” and he has to leave in the middle of mass and forgets to take his microphone off? You thought the puffs of smoke coming from the Vatican chimney are announcing a new Pope? Not always! Pope poop problems sort of put my buying toilet paper embarrassment in perspective.

What about the President or Prime Minister? They’ve got security with them at all times! If they’re away from home giving speeches, does the security have to enter the rest room with them? I’d love to listen to their communications into their little microphones and earpieces at a time like that.

Bravo One reporting. The Eagle needs a nest ASAP. We may have a nuclear emergency, if you know what I mean.”

“Bravo Charlie Zulu reporting. We have located a nest. The Eagle has landed. I repeat, The Eagle has landed (cough, cough) and ugh. Eeeew! Jeez! What did he eat last night? Oh my God. I am not getting paid enough for this.”

Bravo One reporting. Umm Bravo Charlie Zulu, your mic is still live. I repeat. You mic is still live.”

“Bravo Charlie Zulu reporting. My mic may be live, but whatever came out of him definitely isn’t. (vomiting noises)

Do the security guys have to stand right outside the door every time a President goes all day long? When I’m the President, that’s going to cause problems for me. I won’t be able to just let it go.

Parody video by Nick L’Mao and singing by Sarah Brown

Yes, I know some of you may be disappointed that I took the low road and departed from my usual high brow, intellectual humor, but c’mon, wasn’t this funny? And in laughing about and learning about others booty business, don’t we all feel better?

As always, if you enjoyed #ThePhilFactor feel free to share it by hitting the Facebook or Twitter share buttons below. Have a great weekend and a great poo! ~Phil

Throwback Thursday! The Poop At Home People

When I published this groundbreaking post a year ago it immediately became one of my most popular ever. If you missed it the first time I strongly advise you read this life saving information now.

(1/17/2015) Everybody poops. In fact, I would bet a fair number of you are doing it right now while reading this on your smart phone. If you are pooping, I bet you’re doing it at home. Am I right?

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It was really tough to find a poop picture that I thought would get by the Facebook censors so I could promote this post. Oh the search terms I used to find these pictures! The NSA will probably laugh their constipated asses off when they review their Phil Factor log today.

This is a sensitive yet important topic that I wanted to be accessible to as many people as possible because this is a very serious subject that impacts millions of poople every day. I want poople to know that domesticus poopius is no reason to feel shamed or embarrassed. I want to bring pooping out into the light, into a public forum where we can all examine it without stigma.

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According to true fact statistics that I made up, at least 50% of you are poop at home people.  If you’re a poop-at-home-poople, or domesticus poopius, which is the medical name for this disorder, then you’ve been impacted by it’s limitations for your entire life. Am I right?

Reluctant to go out with friends if you haven’t pooped all day? You go as much as possible before a vacation because you know you might not go again for days. Discomfort at work because you won’t go there? Or maybe you’ll go, but only in one particular bathroom and only during a time when no one else is around?  Bloating and flatulence from the back-up in your bowels? These are all symptoms of this terrible, terrible condition.

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I don’t have this disorder. I can go anywhere. In fact, I’m doing it now. In a stall at LaGuardia airport while I write this on my phone. There’s a line outside the door, but I don’t care.  But this is a problem for a lot of you, so let’s talk about it.  First, in order to fix the problem you have to understand the why.

Is it a fear of germs at public restrooms? Guess what? Your skin is the largest organ in your body and it’s essentially a giant condom you’re body is wearing to protect your insides from germs. And it does a wonderful job of it, doesn’t it? The only disease you can really get from from a toilet seat is ringworm, and that’s not so bad is it?

Worried about others knowing that smell came from you? Who cares? We all do it. Even the Pope, Queen Elizabeth, and Neil deGrasse Tyson poop and I bet they stink really bad. (In doing my “research” I did find a list of Neil deGrasse Tyson quotes and none of them were about poop, meaning it’s likely he has domesticus poopius and is embarrassed to speak of it)

Domesticus Poopius is so prevalent it has even made it’s way into pop culture. Some of you may remember a Seinfeld episode where Kramer had to go and couldn’t get home in time and lost the urge, resulting in days long constipation. More recently there was a How I Met Your Mother episode in which Lily found a hotel charge on Marshall’s bank statement and she thought he was cheating until he admitted that he couldn’t get home in time so he got a hotel room so he could be comfortable pooping.

If you think about it, domesticus poopius is really an anxiety/fear based disorder. All toilets are basically the same, unless you’re in a third world country and have to squat over a trough. If you’re anywhere there’s indoor plumbing and you won’t poop it’s because you’re fearful of something involved with the process. Domesticus poopius is a mental disorder that can have real physical symptoms that are dangerous. I could go into a list from WebMD, but it wouldn’t scare you as much as what your imagination might conjure up about holding in your poop too long. Guess what? Your imagination would be right, so go. Go freely and go anywhere it’s legal and appropriate! Free your mind and your bowels and never feel that shame again. If I was Oprah I’d say, “You get to poop, and you get to poop, and you get to poop. Everybody gets to poop!”

Well this has gone on long enough. Gotta go, if you know what I mean. If you want to save the life of a poop at home person please share this with them by hitting the Facebook, Twitter, or re-blog buttons below. Have a great Saturday! ~Phil