Dear Travis Kelce,
(First, for my readers from other countries, Travis Kelce is a very good American football player) So anyway, Travis, you’re going to have to take this hit and date Taylor Swift. A month ago on your podcast, you mentioned that you wanted to give Taylor Swift a friendship bracelet with your phone number on it. Ugh, c’mon Travis! A friendship bracelet? Geez, how cringey is that? Off the field, you seriously got no game. Fortunately for you, I won’t date Taylor Swift, so she’s all yours if she’ll have you.
This past weekend Taylor Swift went to Travis Kelce’s football game in Kansas City, Missouri. That single event nearly broke the internet. But it definitely did not break my heart, and here’s ten reasons why….
10. Believe it or not, my name isn’t Phil Factor. I’m Phil Taylor. If Taylor Swift married me and took my name, her name would be Taylor Taylor and that’s just ridiculous. But, if she took my first name as her married surname, her name would be Taylor Phil. I might consider letting her do that. It would be great fun at party introductions. “Hi, I’m Phil Taylor and this is my wife Taylor Phil.”
9. If she and I broke up she’d write songs about it and I’d write blogs about it. Does the world really need that?
8. The relationship would never work. She’d be jealous and insecure about my success. It would probably destroy her.
7. Mrs. Phil would probably kick both our asses , resulting in a lengthy and highly public trial, and I can’t go through that again.
5. She’s too tall. At 5’11’, she’s taller than me, and well… there’s all sorts of ways that would be awkward. Like at red carpet events for instance: “Hi Taylor. Melissa Rivers here from E! network. Oh wait, stop the camera. Why is your chauffeur still with you?”
4. I don’t want to get stuck supporting that one hit wonder in her old age when she’s lost her marginal good looks and blown all the money she made from that one song that did ok.
3. She’s attractive and all, but she’s no Kylie Minogue. A little blatant pandering to my U.K. and Australian friends who’ve read this far. If you did, give me a quick shout out in the comments so I know that reference wasn’t in vain)
2. I’m a pretty forgiving guy, but not once has Taylor’s agent called me and asked if she could be interviewed on #ThePhilFactor. I don’t pursue. I’m the pursued.
1. Taylor may be able to rhyme some catchy lyrics, but from what I’ve heard she’s a snooze when it comes to conversation. Apparently Taylor isn’t all that swift.
As always, feel free to share with your favorite Taylor Swift fan by hitting the Facebook share button below. Have a great Friday! ~Phil