Tag Archives: Taylor Swift

Top Ten Tuesday! Ten Reasons I Won’t Date Taylor Swift

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I won’t. I won’t do it. No matter how much she begs or how many songs she writes, I won’t date Taylor Swift. Here’s why:

10. If Taylor Swift married me and took my name, her name would be Taylor Taylor and that’s just ridiculous. But, if she took my first name as her married surname, her name would be Taylor Phil. I might consider letting her do that. It would be great fun at party introductions. “Hi, I’m Phil Taylor and this is my wife Taylor Phil.”

9. If she and I broke up with each other she’d write songs about it and I’d write blogs about it. Does the world really need that?

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8. The relationship would never work. She’d be jealous and insecure about my success. It would probably destroy her.

7. Mrs. Phil would probably kick both our asses , resulting in a lengthy and highly public trial, and I can’t go through that again.

6. Because of their well publicized feud over me, if I dated Taylor Swift I’d never get a shot with Katy Perry. (pause) Or would I?

Taylor & Katy in better times before they began fighting over me

Taylor & Katy in better times before they began fighting over me

5. She’s too tall. At 5’11’, she’s taller than me, and well… there’s all sorts of ways that would be awkward. Like at red carpet events for instance: “Hi Taylor. Melissa Rivers here from E! network. Oh wait, stop the camera. Why is your chauffeur still with you?”

4. I don’t want to get stuck supporting that one hit wonder in her old age when she’s lost her marginal good looks and blown all the money she made from that one song that did ok.

3. She’s attractive and all, but she’s no Kylie Minogue. (A little blatant pandering to my U.K. and Australian friends who’ve read this far. If you did, give me a quick shout out in the comments so I know that reference wasn’t in vain)

Kylie dailytelegraph.com.au

Kylie     dailytelegraph.com.au

2.   I’m a pretty forgiving guy, but not once has Taylor’s agent called me and asked if she could be interviewed on #ThePhilFactor. I don’t pursue. I’m the pursued.

1. Taylor may be able to rhyme some catchy lyrics, but from what I’ve heard she’s a snooze when it comes to conversation. Apparently Taylor isn’t all that swift.

As always, feel free to share with your favorite Taylor Swift fan by hitting the Facebook, Twitter, or re-blog button below. Have a great Tuesday! And don’t forget, I’ll be Periscoping live from the Alt Press Music Awards tomorrow night. Get the Periscope app and follow me on Twitter and Periscope @ThePhilFactor.

Throwback Saturday? Love, Exciting and New…

I know I usually do my best, hopefully funniest, post on Saturday mornings and my Throwback Thursday post on, obviously, Thursdays. This week I switched it up because of my need to get my annual Sexiest Man Alive post out on Thursday when the People magazine issue hit the newstands. I do this because I have this crazy idea that somewhere out there at least one person likes my blog so much that they’ve followed me for years and would wake up on Thursday, see the Sexiest Man Alive announcement and say to themselves, “I must go to the internet to see what Phil has to say about this years Sexiest Man Alive!” If you are that one person, please leave me a comment and spell your name correctly and in it’s entirety so they can get it right on the restraining order.

If you’re new to The Phil Factor, my weekly Throwback Thursday post is a post from one year ago so you can see what I was making fun of then, and so I can get some ego-gratifying page views without having to write some thing new. If you are new, just know that I don’t usually do a lengthy intro like this for every post. I’m just explaining the change of schedule for the slower, more anxious people that are easily jarred by the unexpected. I know that’s not you of course. It’s the others.

Throwback Thursdays! Two Odd and Humorous Stories from the News

itheedread.jexebel.com

itheedread.jexebel.com

(11/23/2013)   It’s a nice day for a white wedding, or is it? Chicks dig the bad boys right? In a Rolling Stone interview a twenty-five year old woman named Star, who has been visiting imprisoned murderous cult leader Charles Manson for the last six years, announced that she and Chuck are betrothed. Personally I’m glad they took their time and didn’t rush into anything.

In lieu of an engagement ring the woman carved an X into her forehead to match Charlie’s swastika. Hmmm…she didn’t go full swastika? That says ‘lack of commitment’ to me. I’d better warn Charlie that she isn’t all in with this relationship. Of course, Charlie might not be either. When asked to confirm her claim of engagement Manson replied, “Oh that. That’s a bunch of garbage. You know that, man. That’s trash. We’re just playing that up for public consumption.” In other words, Charlie said, “Bitches be crazy.” (this post is specifically relevant because this week it was announced that after a year engagement those two crazy kids finally tied the knot)

Next of Kin: A forty-five year old pilot in his single engine plane crashed at the Nashville airport on October 29th. Ok, that will happen occasionally. It’s tragic and sad for the pilot and his family. It’s especially sad for his family since he didn’t name them next of kin on his paperwork. Nope, he named Taylor Swift as his next of kin.

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No, he wasn’t related to Taylor and had never met her. In response to this news Taylor may have said, “Dudes be crazy.”  Or possibly, “No, I never dated him, but I’m sure I would have gotten to him eventually.

I don’t know if this guy was a crazy stalker or just had a sense of humor. I’m hoping it’s the latter. If I ever make a will or have to fill out life insurance paperwork, from now on I’m just going to pick some random celebrity out of a hat and name them as my next of kin and secondary beneficiary on my life insurance. That would spice up the funeral wouldn’t it? “Pssst! Hey, is that Kanye West looking at Phil’s coffin? Oh look on the program! He’s giving the eulogy. Wait, why is Taylor Swift with him? Are they together?”

On a related note: Remind me not to fly into the Nashville airport. The pilot who crashed had circled the airport for more than two hours without being noticed and his plane sat on the runway on fire for seven hours before anyone found it.

This was a little bit different of a Phil Factor, but I did do real Phil Factors on both Tuesday and Thursday of this week, so if you want some real laughs click these for my Top Ten Tuesday post and my Sexiest Man Alive post. As always, if you enjoyed #ThePhilFactor  it would be great if you hit the Facebook and Twitter share buttons below. Have a great weekend!

Kim Kardashian’s Butt and Vacation Boobs

This is it. Mano a mano. Kim Kardashian versus #ThePhilFactor. Or rather it’s Kim Kardashian’s big bulbous butt versus my big bulbous sense of humor. Kim thought her racy pictures in PaperMag would #BreakTheInternet but she was sadly mistaken. If anybody breaks the internet it’s going to be me. Kim wanted to break it with her butt, but I’m going to break it by being an ass.

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Yeah, Kim and I used to be an item way back when we were young. I was actually the first rung on her celebrity ladder. The fame and popularity of my books and The Phil Factor drew her to me. I should have known it wouldn’t last. The picture above is of us at a New Jersey Nets game. I thought she seemed just a little too eager to visit the locker room after the game. I should have known better.

Kim’s latest stunt, trying to “break the internet” by allowing the website for a little known magazine to post nude shots of her wasn’t even her or their idea. Check out this picture of myself I posted on The Phil Factor back in 2005 when Kim and I were dating.

PTKK

Look familiar? I’m pretty sure she photoshopped her head into this picture and gave it to that magazine. I’ve never shown my backside on The Phil Factor, but I’ve got glutes women would kill for. No one has yet but I’m keeping my fingers crossed.

Speaking of women killing for a great butt, I saw another item on the interwebs this week that caught my attention. What if you want the perfect body for lounging on the beach during your vacation but you don’t have the time to work out? Apparently there is now an answer to that. You can get “vacation boobs.”  As a guy, I love the sound of that. What it really means though is that a New York city cosmetic surgeon has developed a process where he injects saline solution directly into the breasts to inflate them for anywhere from 24 hours to two weeks. The bodily gradually absorbs the saline and the boobs shrink back to their normal size. Apparently they’re also developing a process for butts and men’s calves and pecs. Seriously ladies, when you go to the beach have you ever checked out a guys calves? I’m not even sure I have calves. I’ve never looked. And if you are single and you invest in vacation boobs or pecs and you meet someone on vacation, how do you explain the change in your body later?

Also, in another demonstration of idiocy on the world wide web this week, Katy Perry’s boyfriend DJ Diplo (it should be Dipshit if you ask me) caused waves when he tweeted that “somebody should start a Kickstarter to get Taylor Swift a booty.” Dude, what is your problem? What has Taylor Swift ever done to you? How about you worry about your own girlfriend’s booty? If I’m Katy Perry I’m kicking this guy to the curb for paying attention to Taylor Swift’s booty. If Taylor Swift is worried about this she could invest in a vacation booty. Somehow though I doubt that Taylor Swift and her billions of dollars are worrying about a tweet by that loser. Katy, you could do so much better.

I could not believe how much stupidity populated the internet this week. I’m not a celeb follower but all this stupid “news” was unavoidable. But alas the internet did not break. So why don’t we break the internet? You and me. If everyone who reads this shares it by hitting the Facebook, Twitter and re-blog buttons below it will spread far and wide until it is the only thing on the internet. I posted this at 6:40 this morning. If you’re reading it, the internet isn’t broken yet. Get clicking! C’mon, help #The Phil Factor #BreakTheInternet.

Have a great weekend! ~Phil

Two Odd and Humorous Stories from the News

charles-manson-today

It’s a nice day for a white wedding, or is it? Chicks dig the bad boys right? In a Rolling Stone interview a twenty-five year old woman named Star, who has been visiting imprisoned murderous cult leader Charles Manson for the last six years, announced that she and Chuck are betrothed. Personally I’m glad they took their time and didn’t rush into anything.

star

In lieu of an engagement ring the woman carved an X into her forehead to match Charlie’s swastika. Hmmm…she didn’t go full swastika? That says ‘lack of commitment’ to me. I’d better warn Charlie that she isn’t all in with this relationship. Of course, Charlie might not be either. When asked to confirm her claim of engagement Manson replied, “Oh that. That’s a bunch of garbage. You know that, man. That’s trash. We’re just playing that up for public consumption.” In other words, Charlie said, “Bitches be crazy.”

Next of Kin: A forty-five year old pilot in his single engine plane crashed at the Nashville airport on October 29th. Ok, that will happen occasionally. It’s tragic and sad for the pilot and his family. It’s especially sad for his family since he didn’t name them next of kin on his paperwork. Nope, he named Taylor Swift as his next of kin.

swift

No, he wasn’t related to Taylor and had never met her. In response to this news Taylor may have said, “Dudes be crazy.”  Or possibly, “No, I never dated him, but I’m sure I would have gotten to him eventually.

I don’t know if this guy was a crazy stalker or just had a sense of humor. I’m hoping it’s the latter. If I ever make a will or have to fill out life insurance paperwork, from now on I’m just going to pick some random celebrity out of a hat and name them as my next of kin and secondary beneficiary on my life insurance. That would spice up the funeral wouldn’t it? “Pssst! Hey, is that Kanye West looking at Phil’s coffin? Oh look on the program! He’s giving the eulogy. Wait, why is Taylor Swift with him? Are they together?”

On a related note: Remind me not to fly into the Nashville airport. The pilot who crashed had circled the airport for more than two hours without being noticed and his plane sat on the runway on fire for seven hours before anyone found it.

This was a little bit different of a Phil Factor, but I did do real Phil Factors on both Tuesday and Wednesday of this week, so if you want some real laughs click these for my Sexiest Man Alive post and my Rob Ford interview. If you’re curious about the shoe tree posts that I’ve posted lately, stay tuned. There is a method to my madness. As always, if you enjoyed #ThePhilFactor  it would be great if you hit the Facebook and Twitter share buttons below. Have a great weekend!