Like Angry Birds and Words with Friends another game designed for the tiny screen of our phones and the tiny span of our attention has seemingly captivated millions of people who would otherwise have productive lives. I was thinking of naming this post “10 Ways to Beat Candy Crush Saga” because I knew that as soon as that title showed up in Google searches I’d get about a billion hits. That would be a cruel joke to play on the millions of Candy Crush addicts.
I’m here today however to address two serious problems. First, the addiction to Candy Crush Saga. The first step is admitting it. The game is like a drug. At first the dealer, who is a tall, eccentric man with a monocle and orange hair, gives you a little for free just to give you a taste. You slide three jelly beans together and bam! You hear a jingle of approval. A positive connection is formed in the reward center of your brain. You repeat the action in seconds and get another positive result thus reinforcing that first connection. After you get hooked and your five lives are lost, unless you want to wait and risk withdrawal you have to pay to get the stuff again. After awhile, after the addiction takes hold, I hear nothing but anger and frustration, but they keep playing it. I’m not a Candy Crush player and I’m fatigued from hearing the distress and frustration of those who are afflicted. Screams of frustration in my house, Facebook posts from friends just hating their lives because they’re stuck on a level.
Candy Crush Saga players, please listen. You’re not only hurting yourselves. You’re hurting others too. The second serious issue is candy bullying. Enough already. It’s got to stop. If they can’t speak for themselves I will take up for the silent victims. What have those poor, innocent jelly beans done to you? You Candy Crush addicts are just like those mean kids with that bus monitor last year. You don’t care who you hurt. You just keep crushing and crushing with no regard for those around you.
It’s time for this madness to stop. Children ignored, jobs in jeopardy, husbands well…not getting their candy crushed. It’s madness. Madness I tell you! Imagine for a moment that you’re invited to a Candy Crush party by your best friend, which is weird because your friend doesn’t play Candy Crush, but you go anyway. When you walk in you actually look up from your phone for a second between levels and you see all your closest friends and family sitting in a circle. I’m there to help too because I know how much you enjoy my blog, but don’t call me Dr. Phil or I may have to punch you. They tell you that it’s time for you to delete the app, to commit Candy Crush Sagacide (trademark pending). Don’t worry they tell you. You won’t have to do it alone. Phil is here for you. I’m going to start a 12 step Candy Crush group. After you say “Hi my name is… and I’m a Candy Crush addict,” you’ll feel so much better, but you can’t say anything else for 30 minutes unless you pay me ninety-nine cents.
Hey, how cool is it that I embedded a video? Look at me getting all high-tech and whatnot! I did it because I care. As always, I appreciate you coming by and if you enjoyed #ThePhilFactor and have a #CandyCrush addict in your life please hit the Facebook, Twitter, or Pinterest share buttons below because that feeds my addiction to the page view numbers I get. Also, if you haven’t read my humorous murder mystery novel White Picket Prisons, the newly edited version is now available for only $2.99 on iTunes and Barnes & Noble.