Daylight Stupid Time

This is my bi-annual reminder that tonight in the United States we move our clocks back by an hour and my reminder to you that it’s stupid. I’ve been posting this every Fall and Spring since 2006 and will continue to do so until we do away with Daylight Savings Time.

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When I’m elected President, or Sexiest Man Alive, whichever comes first, I’m going to pass a law getting rid of Daylight Savings Time. I don’t know if all other countries do this. I do know that not all the U.S. states abide by it. Daylight Savings Time was created about 120 years ago to give farmers more daylight in which to do their work in the fields. Call me crazy, but why the hell didn’t someone just suggest that the lazy ass farmers drag themselves out of a bed a little earlier each day? Because those cud chewing, overall wearing, udder jerking lay-abouts can’t be bothered to set their alarm clocks we’re all stuck changing time?

I don’t know if anyone else noticed, but about ten years ago the U.S. Congress, in another colossal waste of their time and our tax dollars, extended daylight savings time by a few weeks on either end.

First off, why isn’t it called daylight spending time since we are using more daylight in the summer months? Secondly, at this point the farmers (except the creepy Amish ones) all have electricity and alarm clocks, which may not have been the case 120 years ago. I can get away with saying that about the Amish because my demographic data shows that for some reason I have very low readership among the Amish. I guess they just don’t get me.

Reportedly the reason Congress did this is to save energy. How will changing our clocks twice a year save energy? Don’t we set our thermostats and use heat based on the outdoor temperature, not how light out it is? I’d like to save the energy I expend changing my clocks! I’d like Congress to tell me when I get that back. Congress has again proven to be the biggest collection of morons outside of…well…I guess I can’t think of a bigger collection. Why doesn’t Congress set their alarm clocks an hour earlier so they can get up early and get more of this important work done?

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B.T. dubs, if we set our clocks back an hour now but we turn them ahead in the Spring over the course of a year what difference does it make? If we learned anythying from Marty McFly it was that we shouldn’t muck about with time. Also, according to statistics,  the day after we change our clocks there are more workplace injuries, car accidents, and for the day, a 10% rise in heart attacks.

I for one am not going to go for this stupid daylight savings time thing anymore. I don’t work at a farm or for Congress, so I told my boss that for 6 months I’ll be to work an hour early or late, however it works out. When I’m elected President, or Sexiest Man Alive, whichever comes first, this is going to change

If you’d like to support my bid for President or Sexiest Man Alive, please hit the Facebook, Twitter share button below, but hurry because you have an hour less to do it in this weekend. Or is it an hour more? Have a great weekend! ~Phil

#PHIL2024

I Wear a Mask Because…

Guess what? I’m not wearing a mask because the “government” said I should. I’m not wearing a mask because I’m afraid of the virus. I’m not wearing a mask because my job makes me. And I’m not wearing a mask because it makes me look cool. But make no mistake, I do look cool as hell in a mask.

Here’s my deal: I have a great immune system. I just don’t get sick. The last time I remember having the flu was in 1986. I did take a sick day from work once about 5 years ago, but I wasn’t really sick. In addition to my incredible immune system, I am vaccinated A.F. In 2021 I have received three COVID shots, one flu shot and two shingles vaccinations. That’s six vaccinations! The chances of me getting COVID, the flu, or any other transmissible disease is almost nil. I’m not wearing a mask for me. So why do I wear a mask?

I wear a mask for you. Although I’m vaccinated A.F., I could still catch COVID and never know it, but still be transmitting it by breathing out. Someone who is unvaccinated or has a compromised immune system could catch it and end up dead. Wearing a mask is the right thing to do as a human being. If you’re not wearing a mask because you don’t like that your government said you should, you’re an idiot. (but please keep reading because I’m making a point here)

Regardless of what country you are reading this from, your government tells you to do things all the time and you have done them for your entire life. Seat belts in cars? We all wear them. The chances of us getting in a car accident is pretty slim, but if we do, it could kill us. The chances of us getting COVID are relatively slim, but if we do, it could kill us. Masks are like seat belts for our immune system.

Darth Vader making masks cool since 1976

By the way, Darth Vader didn’t die in the movie until he took his mask off.  Additionally, if you wear a mask and put on some medical scrubs that you can buy lots of places, people will think you’re a healthcare worker and occasionally give you free meals at restaurants. Also, tomorrow is Halloween! You’re not opposed to putting on a mask for free candy, but you won’t put one on to save your own life?!!? In summation, if you are opposed to masks, don’t read #ThePhilFactor.

Have a great weekend! ~Phil

If Jesus Had To Get Followers Now…

Hey everybody, before you read this, I’m not trying to make any religious statement. I’m just trying to make jokes, and not at the expense of any particular religion.  If Christianity is not your religion, feel free to, in your mind, change the name Jesus to Yaweh, Krishna, Laozi, or the Kardashians. 

Jesus: Hey Matthew, look at my Facebook. I only have 12 followers, and that includes you! Ugh! Why are they all dudes? What’s the deal, why won’t more people follow me? I’m a likable guy, right? And I’m not too ugly or anything, right?

Apostle Matthew: Yes Jesus, you have a great head of hair and the beard is hugely popular this century. I know you thought it would be just like the last time you came back, but 2000 years have passed. Things are different now. You can’t just walk around and tell everyone you’re the son of God and expect them to follow you. There’s someone on every corner in New York City saying that. On the positive side, in a lot of countries, people liked your previous work so well that generations of parents have named their sons Jesus.

Jesus: What about those road shows we used to do? You know, you me and the boys just show up in some town and I cure a leper and put out a nice spread of bread and fish for lunch.  People loved that!

Apostle Matthew: Nowadays, to get a great following you have to be good on what they call “social media.”

Jesus: Hmm… what is this social media? Does it have anything to do with those little black rectangles everybody is staring at? People don’t seem very social when they do that.  I thought those were just tiny bibles.

Apostle Matthew: (a little chuckle) No Big J, those are not tiny bibles. You know that laptop computer that I’ve been teaching you to use? Everyone can do the same stuff, but they do it on those little rectangles. You’ve got to get with the times man.

Jesus: Ok, so can you teach me how to “social media” our message to all their social media rectangles? Should I start a blog? I saw some good blogs online.

Apostle Matthew: Lol, dude, you are so funny. blogs are so 2008. But we can work on getting you a following. Me and a bunch of dudes is only going to seem like a cult. We’ve got to get some other people involved.  First,  you need two things. The first is a kick ass Tik Tok. The kids love Tik Tok. And Twitter. If you can get good on Twitter and Tik Tok you can get a great following.

Jesus: That’s great. I can’t believe you know all this stuff already. Can you teach me how to Twitter and TikTok?

Apostle Matthew: Ok, first we have to make some funny, catchy videos. You’re going to have to practice your dance moves too, but only for 30 seconds.

Jesus: Wait, what’s a video? (Matthew just sighs and shakes his head)

Ok, you’re back to me now. Hopefully no one was too offended. Have a great week! ~Phil

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Rock You Like A Hurricane?

Well it’s hurricane season in the Northern hemisphere. Hurricane ‘Henri’ ran up the East coast this past week and I hope that everyone in it’s path escaped without any mortal injuries. Then again, how threatening can anything or anyone named Henri be? That may be the least menacing name ever. The fact that there are so many Henri’s in France is why they’ve lost every war they’ve ever participated in.

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Fortunately I don’t live in an area that ever gets any hurricanes although I felt some of the wind and rain from Henri. In the U.S., our weather people traditionally name hurricanes with people names, such as Hurricane Phil, or Hurricane Betsy. Then the news people are astounded that people refuse to leave their homes when a hurricane is coming. Who is going to be afraid of Hurricane Henri, or Tropical Storm Cecilia? Remember innocuously named Hurricane Katrina? Yeah, how’d that work out for everyone? And for cripes sake, why did we have a hurricane named Henri? Henri sounds more like a refreshing light rain on a pleasant spring day.

Have you ever noticed that when people are interviewed as a big storm is bearing down on their area the homeowners always use the phrase “hunker down”? The interview always goes like this:

Reporter: I’m standing here with Joe and Jane Homeowner who plan on staying right where they are as the biggest storm of the century bears down on us. Joe and Jane, why are you staying put?

Homeowners: Well this little storm ‘taint nuthin. We’ll just hunker down until it passes. Now the storm of ’68, that was a storm!

I’m not sure I’ve ever hunkered down for anything. I think hunkering down best describes the pose my dog takes when she’s going number 2.  If you want people to flee to somewhere safe you have to give  a storm a name that sounds as scary as it is. Why not give it an intimidating name? How about something like Mega Hurricane Deathtron? That might get people out of their homes. Or maybe something simple like The Hurricane of Death? If the Hurricane of Death was headed for my house you can bet I’d get the hell out of the way. Then again, if they named hurricanes like that you wouldn’t have people selling post hurricane t-shirts that said things like “I Was Blown By Irene 2011.” When I’m elected President, or Sexiest Man Alive, whichever comes first, I will convene a special committee of writers to work on scary, new hurricane names every year.

Have a great and hurricane free day! ~Hurricane Phil

Book Review: John Howell’s “Eternal Road” is a Fun Ride!

As you may know from either reading or having seen my books, I’m a big fan of the time travel genre. When I saw that my blogging friend, John Howell, had written a book with time travel as part of the plot, I couldn’t resist. But, John’s book isn’t just about time travel. It’s so much more than just time travel

Say hello to John! Find him on Twitter at @HowellWave

James began a road trip alone in his 1956 Oldsmobile. He stops for a hitchhiker only to discover she is his childhood sweetheart, Sam, who disappeared seventeen years before. 

The pair visit a number of times and places and are witness to a number of historical events. The rules dictate that they do no harm to the time continuum. Trying to be careful, they inadvertently come to the attention of Lucifer who would love to have their souls as his subjects. They also find a threat to human survival and desperately need to put in place the fix necessary to save mankind.

The question becomes, will James find his eternal home in grace or lose the battle with Satan for his immortal soul and the future of human life with it? If you like time-travel, adventure, mystery, justice, and the supernatural, this story is for you.

That’s the summary from Amazon, and let me tell you, a lot goes on in this book. There’s surprises almost every time you turn the page. I had several moments where I thought to myself, “I can’t believe that just happened” and then on the next page something even crazier would happen. John Howell’s Eternal Road is a ride I thoroughly enjoyed. Here’s an even more interesting aside: I finished this book four days ago. James quest to find his eternal home ends in a certain location, which turns out to be exactly where my siblings and I are going tomorrow to spread my father’s ashes, making that his eternal home too. Mind blown.

The Psychics First Date

As I mentioned in my post on Thursday, a lot of folks have been showing up at The Phil Factor to read my 2017 post Top Ten Tuesday! The Top Ten Psychic Pick Up Lines. One of many questions I have about this phenomena is, are the people reading this psychics looking to upgrade their dating game, or is it non-psychics curious about the dating habits of psychics? Or could it possibly be singles on the dating scene looking for ways to prevent them from getting duped by smooth talking psychics?

Here is how I imagine a first date between two psychics would go:

A man in a turban and a purple velour cape sitting alone at a table in a swanky Italian restaurant. He stands up as he makes eye contact with a woman who has just entered and he gives her a little wave. She acknowledges him and starts to weave her way between tables. Her many chiffon scarves flow freely from her, brushing peoples heads as she passes.

Karnak the Magnificent: “Why hello Esmeralda! Have a seat,”  Karnak says as he pulls out her chair for her.

Esmeralda: “Thank you Karnak. This is a lovely restaurant. However did you choose it?”

K: “This is where my grandparents went on their first date sixty years ago. They’ve always told me the story of their magical first date, and I have a good feeling about you, so I thought it might be a good luck charm for us.”

E: Aww…that’s sweet, but it would be more sweet if your ex-girlfriend didn’t wait tables here and you weren’t bringing me here hoping to make her jealous.

K: “What? That’s preposterous! I love the food here!”

Esmeralda raises an eyebrow.

K: “OK, you got me, but the food is really incredible.” Nodding to waiter, “Yes, Cabernet for both please.” Turning to Esmeralda, “Besides, on your dating profile you said that you’re 28 when you’re really 30.”

E: “So we’ve both started this relationship with little white lies. Fair enough. Let’s try to turn our heads off and get to know each other the old fashioned way.”

K: “Agreed. So Esmeralda, where did you grow up?”

E: Chuckles, “Well, I grew up a little bit almost everywhere. My parents were gypsies who traveled with the circus all over Europe. They read the Tarot cards for a living. How about you?”

K: I was an orphan, raised by Tibetan monks in the mountains of Nepal. I immigrated here to the States with them when I was twelve. They came here to build a monastery in the Hollywood Hills. It’s actually right next to a Scientology resort. Tom Cruise came over and bought an alpaca from us once. So tell me about your travels in Europe. Which country was your favorite?”

E: “I loved all of Europe. It’s hard to pick just one country, but if I have to, I’ll say France. Our circus set up just outside of Paris for several months. The people, the food, the wine. I could see the Eiffel Tower all lit up at night. That was a magical time. So Karnak, how did you come to realize that you’re psychic?”

K: “Huh? I’m sorry. I was lost in thought. What did you say Esmeralda?”

E: “You weren’t lost in thought. You were lost in my cleavage! I can read your mind you idiot. And yes, there are more tattoos. Very interesting ones in very interesting places.”

K: “Ok, if we’re going to get real here, let’s get real. Yes, you’ve been to Paris. Paris, Texas where you grew up. You can drop the hokey accent now Paula. Esmeralda? Please. You look like an Esmeralda about as much as I do!”

E: “You want to get real? You weren’t psychically drawn to my booth down at the boardwalk. You read my profile on Tinder and came and found me, hoping your hokey psychic line would get me!”

K: “Listen Paula, I also know that you’ve been wondering about what’s under my …ahem..(using finger quotes) “turban” all night long.”

E: “Listen Steve, yes, I know your real name, are you as hot as I am right now?”

Karnak/Steve: “You already know I am. My place is just around the corner. Let’s get our food to go.”

Esmeralda/Paula: “And when you say “you’re place” you really mean your parents house and we’re going to sneak in through the walk out basement door in back, right?”

Steve: “I’ve never been so turned on in my life.”

Paula: “Keep the turban on!”

As you can see, being a psychic certainly could be challenging on the dating scene. But if you could be psychic and read minds, would you?

Have a great weekend! ~Phil

The Mystery of Psychic Pick-up Lines

Apparently psychics are very interested in dating. There’s nothing wrong with that. Soothsayers need soothing too. The reason I bring this up is that during the last three years I haven’t been blogging as regularly as I used to, yet one particular post that I wrote a few years ago seems to be getting a steady stream of visitors, not from the WordPress Reader, but from random internet searches.

It used to be that my post titled Real Sexting Conversations to Read In Hindi? from 2015 brought a steady stream of readers to my blog. Over the past three years when I neglected my blog and my wonderful gang of Hindi speaking followers, another post that I wrote four years ago has developed a cult following. The post, Top Ten Tuesday! The Top Ten Psychic Pick Up Lines, has over 1700 views so far this year and has similar numbers for the last three years. 1700 views in six months for a post I published four years ago?!!? That’s nearly 300 views per month! I wondered what was going on, and then it hit me; psychics are looking for love and I’m going to help them damn it!

This guy is my favorite psychic, aside from myself of course

I’m not one to ignore a good thing. From here on out I’m considering making this a psychic dating website. Who knew there was such a market? Psychics probably did. Do psychics have trouble finding people to date? Shouldn’t they already know who likes them? Do psychics have to date other psychics, or do they prefer to date people who can’t read their mind right back? These are the mysteries of the universe that I will delve into in my post on Saturday. Be sure to come back for that. Then again, maybe me and my psychic friends already know who’s going to read my blog Saturday. Thank you. I’ll see you then!

Have a great day! ~Phil

The Streetside Mail Browsers (We hate you)

If you don’t know what a streetside mail browser is, then please, let me describe them for you. Also, streetside mail browsers don’t just ply their trade in the streets, some do it in their apartment building lobby. 

This is a streetside mail browser: It’s a beautiful, sunny day and you just got home from work. You wave to your neighbor as you stroll down to your mailbox. You pull the small stack of envelopes from the box. Oh! Look at that! A card from Aunt Viv! I wonder how she is. Ooh, is that a sales flyer for my favorite store? 20% off? Oh yeah! I can do some damage to my credit card bill at 20% off! 

What is wrong with you people? Who do you think you are? Could you be more arrogant and inconsiderate? What? Does it come a surprise that others find your behavior inconsiderate and rude? Let me give you the gift of seeing through another’s eyes: 

I’m driving down the street and I see you standing in the street in front of your mailbox. No big deal. I’ll swerve a little into the oncoming lane to get around you. Oh no! There’s a car coming from the other direction and you don’t see it because it’s behind you. So you just stand there browsing your mail like you own the fecking street. Are you kidding me? Where’s you’re awareness? You’re in the street. Oh my God you fecking idiot! Now I have to stop because you’re lost in dreamland reminiscing about Aunt Viv and that time her camp chair broke and she fell right on the ground. 

What? That doesn’t sound like you? What about when I take my dog out to pee and there you are reading all your mail in the street right across from my house and my dog ia going ape-shit because she thinks you’re going to come over and pet her. No, don’t wave and say hi. Just get the feck in your house. My dog can’t concentrate. I don’t want to be out here until you finish reading your mail you inconsiderate dolt. 

Or how about this? In the lobby of the apartment building, don’t stand there blocking ten other mailboxes. I just got in out of the rain and I have to stand there watching you look surprised that you already got a birthday card from your cousin Skeeter. Nobody cares. I’m not your friend and I don’t give a rat’s ass that Skeeter sent you a gift card for Hot Topic. Get your fecking mail and go to your apartment. You don’t own the whole world. 

This has been a public service announcement by The Phil Factor. Enjoy your day. The rest of us are glad there’s “no post on Sundays!”

Have a nice rest of your weekend! ~Phil

 

 

Olympic Sports That Shouldn’t Be

As a “guy” there are few things more enjoyable than having an afternoon free to plant yourself in the recliner and click on the tv  for an afternoon of sports viewing. The average guy is about as picky about what sports he will watch as he is about what women he will date. For a guy though there are few things more disappointing than clicking on the Olympics and finding something on that’s not a sport. We all know what I’m talking about. I would like to propose rules for what qualifies as a sport. Anything that does not qualify under my rules should be broadcast on a different network. Maybe the Game Channel or The Loser Network.

Rule #1: It’s not a sport if the participant has no idea they are competing. Examples: equestrian sports: It’s not a sport if you can wear a top hat while you’re doing it.  The animals  jumping through hoops to get some sort of treat at the end are the real athletes. Who gets the prize money and trophies?

In what universe is this a sport?

Rule #2: It’s not a sport unless there’s a final score everyone agrees upon. Current “sports” that should be ruled out: Gymnastics, synchronized swimming, diving, and any kind of figure skating. Special mention goes to rhythmic gymnastics which is just gymnastics for people who are afraid of heights.

Rule #3: It’s not a sport if you do it better when you’re high and wearing cargo shorts. This rules out skateboarding and surfing.

I’m sure those of you from Australia and other countries could probably come up with several examples of things in your country that are played as sports, but really aren’t. Of course in the U.S. we generally don’t consider it a sport unless it’s played in our country and you can gamble on it.

Enjoy your Olympics! ~Phil

Olympians are People Too…Horny People

Picture from USAToday.com

Gosh the Olympic athletes are just wonderfully wholesome aren’t they? Playing a sport they love just for the sake of enjoying competition. They all deserve to be on that Wheaties box that your kids see on the kitchen table.

As in past games, Olympic officials will distribute more than 100,000 condoms to the 10,500 athletes housed in the Olympic village. That’s roughly 10 condoms per athlete. If you consider that some athletes won’t need them because they’re faithfully married, have a same-sex relationship, or just monogamous with someone, that means that someone is getting a whole lot of nooky. I wonder if the Olympic athletes have some unofficial records for some of the sports they participate in when the lights go out? And don’t you imagine that if they’re getting jiggy with it, they do it with nothing but their medals on? I know that’s what I would do.

Picture credit Slate.com

When you’re watching the Tokyo Olympics and that wholesome guy or gal is stepping down from the medal podium, aren’t you going to be wondering who they’ll be medaling with later? And if they do, are there judges holding up scorecards?

Have a great Wednesday! ~Phil