Wordless Wednesday? Not This Week, I Need Your Votes!

The Annual Blogger’s Bash Awards voting is going on now! You can vote for #ThePhilFactor for Funniest Blog by clicking HERE! You don’t even have to be a blogger. Anyone can vote! Have a great Wednesday! ~Phil

Top Ten Tuesday! Ten Signs Your Wife is Cheating With an Amish Guy

10. She’s never secretly texting in the bathroom.

9. She buys lots of new flannel lingerie

Harrison Ford in the movie Witness

Harrison Ford in the movie Witness

8. Suddenly begins going to nighttime barn raisings with “the girls.”

7. Comes home with straw in her hair.

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6. She suddenly has this new “butter churn” move in the bedroom.

5. Buys a loom

4. Seems oddly aroused when she sees horses on television.

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3. She receives an actual handwritten letter in the mail which you are unable to read because it’s in cursive.

2. Announces that she’s going to the Amish pub to participate in a wet bonnet contest.

1. Gets a tattoo of an Amish hat with the caption “Once you go black you never go back”

You would not believe some of the creepy terms I had to put into Google to find the pictures and get ideas for this. As always, if you enjoyed #ThePhilFactor please share by hitting the Facebook, Twitter or re-blog button below. Also, if you haven’t voted for the Annual Bloggers Bash Awards, I’d be grateful if you’d go HERE and vote for me as Funniest Blogger. Have a great Tuesday! ~Phil

Next Weeks Music Monday: We’re All Going To Do It Together!

Yes, that’s right, next week you’re going to participate in Music Monday. I started Music Monday because on a Monday morning when you’re heading back to work, sometimes it’s hard to get motivated. I thought that if I started the week with a great song it would lift my mood and give me energy. I started posting different songs every week. Over time I found a couple other blogging friends that love music as much as I do, Hayley of Just Another Blog from A Woman and Steve of Talk About Pop Music.

We thought it would be fun next Monday to post a list of music acts that we’ve seen in concert to compare and discuss. Here’s where you come in: We want you to do it too. I’m imagining people reading each others lists and commenting with things like, “I love them but I haven’t seen them yet. How are they?” Or maybe, “When did you see them? What? I was at that show too!” Or “I got close enough to catch a guitar pick!” Maybe even, “That was the worst concert ever!”  Whoever you like, there’s bound to be someone else on the interwebs that wants to talk about them too.

So next Monday, April 16th, I want everyone to celebrate Music Monday by posting their list of the bands they’ve seen in concert. Let’s fill the internet with music and connect with each other. If you link to me or tag me in some way, I’ll share everyone’s posts to my Twitter with #MusicMonday.

And just to get you going for today, here’s a video of my favorite band to see live, Green Day.

Have a great Monday and start working on your concert lists for next week! Maybe we’ll make Music Monday as big as Thursday Doors! If you’re going to do it, leave a comment today and link to me next Monday so I can remember to visit you and tweet you!

~Phil

When I Went To The Mensa Meeting…

“I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.” ~Groucho Marx

If you’re not familiar with Mensa, then I’m pretty sure you don’t qualify to join the club. Mensa is the international high IQ (intelligence quotient) society with members in over 100 countries. “Membership in Mensa is open to persons who have attained a score within the upper two percent of the general population on an approved intelligence test that has been properly administered and supervised.”

So, me being me, if I don’t have membership in Mensa, I want membership in Mensa. I don’t even care that I would hate all the snooty high IQ people that say things like, “Tut tut,” as they hold their pinky out while sipping tea in front of a Monet at the Louvre. I have no idea if I’m intelligent enough, but they have it and I don’t, so I want it. If they had ebola I’d want that too. Don’t you hate when people put on airs about their exotic diseases?

Since you have to take a test to get into Mensa, I chose not to, but I wanted to go to their meeting to see what all the hullabaloo was about. (See? I said hullabaloo! I’m pretty sure that will go over well at the Mensa meeting.) I dressed in a tuxedo, because it’s hard to look stupid in a tuxedo.

I figured that if I looked smart I could just stroll on in. Seriously, who thinks there’s going to be security at the Mensa meeting.

“Excuse me sir, the wait staff entrance is in the back,” he said with a sneer.

Me excitedly: “Oh, I’m not a waiter. I’m here for the Mensa party!”

It is not a “party.” (he said using finger quotes) And if you are a member, I’ll need to see your identification. 

Me: Pulls out my driver’s license and hands it over. “That my friend is my license to ill.”

He holds it between his thumb and forefinger as if I’ve just handed him freshly created poo, or excrement as all the hoity toity Mensa members would say.

Yes, I’m Abe Froman, Sausage King of Chicago

No, I need to see your Mensa membership card.

Me (trying to sound intelligent) : It hasn’t come in the mail yet. I’m new. Just passed the exhumination yesterday!

Exhumination? You dug up a dead body?

Me: (doubling down on my idiocy) Umm…Yes! I exhumed a body and brought it back to life. That’s how smart I am! Once the proctologists saw that, they said I was smart enough and gave me a weaver.

Proctologists? Don’t you mean the proctors gave you a waiver? 

Me: Yes! Yes, that’s it exactly. They waved at me as I left the test. They said good bye and that I never needed to come back.

May I see it?

Me: See what?

Your waiver?

Me: It’s in my other tuxedo

Then I’m afraid you can’t come in.

Me: Afraid? Why are you afraid? You should be more afraid if I did come in!

Security! 

Me: (shouting as security drags me out) Don’t you know who I am? I’m The Phil Factor! You can’t do this to me! I have a blog and I’m gonna write about you! And it’s not going to be nice!

So here I am still rambling at all my favorite people where there’s no test to enter. If you were even mildly amused by this or any of the 1800 previous posts that I’ve written, would you take a moment to click HERE and vote for me for Funniest Blogger? Click that link and scroll about halfway down the page where you’ll get to the categories. Scroll to Funniest Blogger, find The Phil Factor in the list and click on it. There’s a lot of other great bloggers in the other categories, so make sure to vote for them too! Thank you for your support!

Have a great Saturday! ~Phil

Annual Bloggers Bash Awards Voting: This Is Very Important!

The voting for the Annual Bloggers Bash Awards is now open! I’m honored and touched that someone nominated me for Funniest Blogger. Now that I’m nominated, I’d really like to win it to help my 2018 goals of also winning Sexiest Man Alive. I want one of the two, but only you can help me in this on. When you click the link that I’ll provide, I’d appreciate it tremendously if you go to the Funniest Blogger category and scroll down the category, and click on The Phil Factor. Click HERE to vote!

Thank you for your support! ~Phil

My Blog is a Teenager!

Yes, “blogiversary” is a word. It’s a word because I’m celebrating the birth of The Phil Factor on April 5th, 2005. And because I’m the only blogger here who has been around for 13 years I’m going to take credit for inventing the word Blogiversary. Also, you know how WordPress says 30% of the Internet is powered by WordPress? I think 9% of that is my 1800 posts.

Since my blog is a teenager, I guess I’ll have to have the sex talk with it soon. Here are 10 ways the world was different when I started my blog:

10. The U.S. President was George W. Bush

9. The Pope was John Paul II

8. The iPhone didn’t exist yet

7. Youtube was invented in 2005. Between the two, I think my blog has been a bigger success, don’t you?

6. The world hadn’t heard of Taylor Swift yet. In 2005 I was the more popular Taylor!

5. About 5 months after my blog premiered, the TV show How I Met Your Mother premiered and Barney said, “This is so going into my blog!” I was so proud at that moment.

4. In 2005 I was in another career, hadn’t published a book, and had no gray hair yet. In 2013 I published 50 Shades of Phil: It’s Not Mommy Porn, It’s Daddy Scorn, the top 50 posts from the first eight years of The Phil Factor.

3. Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire movie came out.

2. In 2005 you couldn’t tweet yet because Twitter didn’t exist.

1. In 2005 Facebook existed, but who here was on it?

Since 2005 I’ve never won a Annual Bloggers Bash Award and voting begins tomorrow, for my blogiversary, would you keep me in mind when voting in the Funniest Blog category?

And, last but not least, in 2005 I hadn’t met any of you. Thank you for reading and commenting on my blog over the last 13 years. Since blogging is all about the interaction between bloggers, if you’ve read this far and want a free Kindle copy of any of my books, just let me know in the comments!

Have a great Thursday! ~Phil

Top Ten Tuesday! Ten Things I Will Never Intentionally Eat

Are you wondering how the title goes with that picture of a guinea pig? Read on! If I were to go on a reality show like Survivor or Fear Factor (the show that helped me come up with the name The Phil Factor) I’d be fine with eating bugs and snakes. This may be tempting fate, but here are ten things I will never eat intentionally.

10. Mustard: I believe that this is a substance spawned in the bowels of hell. I put only ketchup on my hot dogs. I can throw up right now if I just think about mustard long enough. Moving on…

9. Onions: I’d rather eat broken glass. I can tolerate some onion powder in a dish, I’m OK with the flavor, but not the texture of onions in my mouth.

8. Other humans: Like I said, I may be tempting fate here, but cannibalism just seems to be in bad taste. Of course if my plane goes down in the Andes mountains and we run out of peanuts…

7. Brains: Not human of course. In many countries it’s not unusual to eat animal brains. The brain reportedly is the most nutritionally dense part of any animal. It just seems wrong. What if in some comic book type plot I suddenly starting thinking like and talking like the animal whose brain I ate? I’d probably fail as a zombie.

6. Seahorses: They’re served fried on a stick in China. I think they’re cute and have a look of intelligence.

seahorses

5. Guinea pig: Often eaten in South American countries. Umm…no thanks. I find them ugly and repulsive when they’re alive. Did you know that if you pick them up by their tail their eyes will pop out?

4. Kiviak: This one makes we want to puke just thinking about it. Kiviak is a traditional Inuit (Eskimo) food from Greenland. They take a seal, dead I hope, and stuff it with 500 birds, also dead I hope, and then bury it under the ground to ferment for months. It is said to help the Inuits combat vitamin deficiencies in their diet. Haven’t the Inuits ever heard of taking actual vitamins? Someone get them a wi-fi signal! (I was going to put a picture in for this one, but all the pictures of it were very off putting in the morning.

3. Deviled eggs: I eat hard boiled eggs, scrambled eggs, fried eggs and most any other kind of eggs. Won’t touch a deviled egg. It just looks wrong. Ugh, and adding the paprika on top makes it look wronger.

2. Smalahove: It’s sheeps head. They eat it in Norway. I’ll eat just about any animal, but at least take the face off first.

sheeps

1. Pickles: Of all the things on this list this is the one I would choose last if forced to. If I’m on a reality show and the challenge is to eat a pickle with mustard I bow out immediately no matter how much money is on the line. It’s the sour, awful vinegar. I can’t get past the smell. I held a pickle once but couldn’t bring myself to eat it.

So what foods are your kryptonite and why?

Have a great Tuesday! ~Phil