This was originally posted on March 21, 2013 when no one was reading me.
Don’t know what I was thinkin’ of
I guess I just wasn’t too bright
Well, I sure hope I do better
Next weekend on The Price Is Right, -ight, -ight
I lost on Jeopardy, baby (oooh) ~ Weird Al Yankovic
The answer is Phil Taylor for $500. After all these years my dream job is finally available! Rumor is that if Alex Trebek lives long enough to complete the 2014-2015 season he will finally retire. From blogger to Jeopardy host! My ascension to the throne is near. Admit it; if you’re being perfectly honest with yourself, once Alex shaved off his porn moustache he completely lost his game show host mojo. That is not a mistake I will make. I am in fact working on a handlebar moustache as we speak.
What is jumping to conclusions Alex? Not so fast my little pretty. I’m not going to be happy just hosting Jeopardy! I’m going to revamp and revitalize that tired old game show to return it to its rightful place as an American institution as respected as the Presidency itself. How am I going to do that you ask? Please state your answer in the form of a question. What is, introducing new categories Alex? For a while Jeopardy was fun, but eventually the common man (me) got tired of Alex and all the smug little contestants and their snooty little answers to Potent Potables and Potpourri.
Categories I would introduce would include Beer Pong Rules, Lindsay Lohan arrests, and Crazy Celebrity Quotes. Oddly, the correct answer to every question in all three categories is “Who is Alec Baldwin?”. The Visual Daily Double will be Name that Roadkill. Which brings me to the next change I would make to the show.
Enough with the “I’m sorry; the answer must be in the form of a question.” If it’s in the form of a question, it’s not an answer, it’s a question! That idea had to be some weird Canadian voodoo Alex brought across the border from our neighbors to the North. On Phil Taylor’s Jeopardy! if you get an answer right I don’t care how you say it, as long as you don’t say it in Canadian. I can’t believe Alex Trebek didn’t get punched in the face more often over this rule.
On Phil Taylor’s Jeopardy! there will also be no more High School Week or College Week either. All of us grown adults who have navigated the universe successfully enough to get where we are do not need any snot nosed little punks acting all superior because they know a word that rhymes with orange.
Right now the talk is that Matt Lauer has the inside track on the job. Puh-leeze! His popularity is receding faster than his hairline. If you’d like to support my bid for Jeopardy! host, after Alex retires or is the victim of an unfortunate accident, you can follow me on Facebook or try my humorous murder mystery novel, White Picket Prisons, available for just $2.99 on Amazon, Barnes & Noble and iTunes. I also want to say a quick welcome to all those who came to The Phil Factor from Candy’s Raves after reading my guest post this week.
I look forward to seeing you as the host of Jeopardy, Phil. Hey, if you can’t make it, Matt Lauer really ain’t bad. I enjoy your columns, Phil.
Thanks Barb! If I don’t get the Jeopardy gig I’d like to see it go to Kevin Bacon.
if you dont get the job (and i cant imagine you wont) I’d like to see it go to Lindsey Lohan. Just my opinion. Missy
LOL, thanks Missy. I too think there is never enough Lindsay Lohan on t.v.
Something awful has happened! Your blog didn’t get delivered directly into my emails and it is only by chance that I came upon this artful work of wit and beauty when I was scrolling through my reader! Computer, I thought thou knew me when you were putting likes on the Phil Factor blogs I thought I hadn’t even read yet! Please forgive me oh Grand Poobah of all things blogworthy as I hasten to support your Jeopardy host bid!!
Being in England last week I’m just seeing this now. I don’t get emails about you either even though I signed up for them.