When I’m elected President, or Sexiest Man Alive, whichever comes first, I’m going to create laws that limit choices. If you’ve ever been a parent you know what an agonizing torture it can be when you accidentally give a young child a choice of three or more things.
Parent: Ok Suzie, for lunch would you like a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, a bologna sandwich, or a live, struggling rat on a fork?
Suzie: I like peanut butter and jelly because the peanut butter is sticky in my mouth but the jelly is slipperier and makes the peanut butter slide down. I kind of want bologna though because it’s fun to say. The rat on a fork is nice because his little feet will be tickley when he’s going down my throat. Ok, I’ll have soup. What kinds do we have?
Parent: Aaaargh! (Pulls fork out of rat and sticks it in own forehead)
Unfortunately children like Suzie grow up to be adults like the two dolts in front of the Coke machine in the picture above. Earlier this week I found myself behind two such dolts. I love the new Coke machines that have over 100 possible combinations! I love the chance to create all sorts of creative flavor concoctions. Some people, however, should never be given this many choices.
I’m sure the two fully grown gentlemen who found themselves confronted with over 100 possible combinations were as overwhelmed as I might be if the pilot of my plane passed out and I was chosen, because of my blogging expertise, to land the plane while wearing mittens and a blindfold after three glasses of Merlot. (Yeah, that’s just how I roll, bitch)
Apparently the soda machine dolts were pondering this life changing decision as if it were, well, life changing. For them, sadly, it probably was. I became so frustrated waiting that I was tempted to scream at them, “Get out of my way you idiots! You’re not splitting the atom or curing cancer, It’s soda pop for God’s sake! And yes, you obviously should go with the Diet Coke. Morons.” These are the same kind of nimrods who at the bank machine seem as if they’re trying to pull off some complicated multi-step financial maneuver that would result in a hostile takeover of the Swiss banking system, when in reality they’re just trying to check their balance so that they can go to the supermarket and write a paper check for two items while you’re behind them in the express checkout line.
So, obviously when I’m elected President or Sexiest Man Alive, whichever comes first, I will be a benevolent ruler. Here is what I propose: At a very young age everyone will be given an I.Q. test and have their fingerprint taken. The two pieces of information will be paired in an internet cloud server. Then, in any instance in which humans are allowed choices they will first have to press the fingerprint scanner. The higher your I.Q. the more choices you get. If you take too long to make a decision you’ll be downgraded in the system and have fewer options next time. In general that’s how life works, but now with technology giving everyone lots of choices the dolts are slowing up everything. Why should the rest of us have to suffer? Don’t worry, if you’re smart enough to read The Phil Factor you’ll have lots of choices.
As always, if you enjoyed #ThePhilFactor I’d love it if you did some of that social media sharing voo doo by hitting one of the buttons below. If you’re in the States I hope you’re having a great holiday weekend! If your elsewhere have a great regular weekend! ~Phil