When I’m elected President, or Sexiest Man Alive, whichever come first, I’m going to fix the calendar. What? You didn’t know it was broken? Or is it that you didn’t know that being Sexiest Man Alive came with such all-encompassing powers? Either way, you’ve got a lot to learn.
Yes, the calendar is wrong. It’s all wrong. So very wrong. Me? I’m right. Completely right. My plan to reform the current calendar is not unprecedented. Our current calendar was first reformed by a visionary by the name of Julius Caesar. In 46 B.C. he had the idea to revise the calendar, but his changes didn’t take effect until 45 B.C. Of course he had to revise the calendar! They were counting backwards to the birth of Jesus Christ, whom they didn’t know was going to be born. How the hell do you keep that kind of thing straight? How many times was some Spanish kid named Jesus (pronounced Hey Soos) born and they decided that it was year zero only to discover later that the little brat was not the son of God, but was actually the son of Jose? (Relax, I’m not making any religious statements here, just reciting historical facts.)
Anyway, my point is that it isn’t unprecedented for some brilliant, charismatic genius to get into a position of power and to change the calendar. When I’m elected President, or Sexiest Man Alive, here’s what I will do:
A. First, a year will be 360 days long so that every month with have 30 days. I like round numbers.
B. All holidays will occur either on a Friday or Saturday so we get the next day off if we’re celebrating.
C. No advertising or planning for one holiday can be done until the last holiday is completed. We don’t need Christmas crap in the stores in August.
D. Every sports league championship will be held on a Saturday night.
New Years Day: That’s good. Jan. 1 seems cool with everybody, except the Chinese. Apparently 1.3 billion Chinese can be wrong. Sorry folks, the rest of the world is against you on this. You don’t get your own New Year anymore, and I don’t care if it’s the Year of The Orangutan or the Three Toed Sloth. Call it the year of any animal you want as long as you start it the same day as everyone else.
February: It’s time to knock off that Leap Year nonsense. What exactly are we leaping? I’m taking the 31st day off of two other months and giving those to February.
April Fool’s Day: Really? Do we need a day to be reminded that there are idiots amongst us? I’m taking this one right off the calendar.
Spring and Fall time changes: Gone. we don’t need these any more. They’re annoying and if not every country or state does them, then knock it off.
Halloween: Will be moved to the last Saturday in September. October 31st is too late. Kids don’t need to have their Halloween costumes ruined by having to wear a coat over or under them because it’s raining, snowing or too cold. The last Saturday is so that adults can have a few beverages at our Halloween parties without worrying that we have to get up for work in the morning.
Thanksgiving: Yes, it’s an American and Canadian holiday. In the future it will occur on the same day in both countries, and the Thursday is perfect as long as we get the Friday after it off of work. The rest of the world can join in and have a day where they’re thankful that the United States makes all the good movies and participates in everybody’s wars.
Christmas: We do not need a four month Christmas season. You can begin advertising, planning and watching It’s a Wonderful Life at midnight on Thanksgiving. It will occur on the next to last Friday of December. The last Friday of December will be reserved for New Year’s Eve.
That’s it. If you agree with my proposed changes, that’s great, because when I’m elected President, or Sexiest Man Alive, whichever comes first, you won’t have a choice anyway. If you do plan to vote for me, please show it by hitting the Facebook, Twitter, or re-blog buttons below. If you could make any changes to the calendar, what would they be? Have a great weekend! ~Phil
I especially agree with C. Oh, and could you simplify the Jewish holidays for me? 😉
I’d have to understand the Jewish holidays to simplify them. Is there anyone that understands them? Maybe I should write a post about my colossal misunderstanding of the Jewish holidays. Most of my understanding of them comes from a Rugrats episode and 8 Crazy Nights.
Hey, I’ve been Jewish for 3 decades and it’s still complicated! And you would be surprised how many people have “learned” Judaism from Adam Sandler movies:)
I hope you have a great holiday.
huumm ok I’m in but I would like to propose one change. Let’s use the Canadian Thanksgiving date. The US is too close to Christmas. People (men) need time to recover from the overly abundant eating that is required when we give thanks.
I agree. That’s a great idea!
So this is why I am intent
On having you be President
Let’s go and fix the calendar
And choose me for campaign manager!
I was sold on A alone.
For me however, I’ve always associated New Year’s with the school year – even though I’ve been out of school since … forever. New Year’s should be September – not January. Not to mention the fact the weather is always nicer in September 😉
That’s funny you said that about New Years. I was just thinking that I’ve finally outgrown the school year calendar in my head.
… and I still love the smell of Pink Pearl erasers 🙂
Every word is the truth! If I were Queen, I would make you President.
I’m not crazy about all your ideas, but I’d like the end of time change, thank you very much. Time change is so stupid, Phil!
If you don’t like the time change you could just move to a state that doesn’t do it. I think Arizona doesn’t
Works for me!
Where do I sign my X to vote you in as required. These changes need to be made and made NOW!
I get to be President of your country too?
Looking at the bunch of undesirables we’ve got as options in the elections next month you’d be a welcome relief. Propose the calendar revolution and you would sweep the board! (Just turn up and you’d probably sweep the board to, tbh.)
I do love your country. Maybe I should move over there.
Only 33 likes?! I just about peed myself from that first paragraph, Phil! That was one of your funniest ever–one of ANYone’s funniest ever–brilliant stuff! Gaw! That Jesús stuff–hah hah hah! Too much! Poor little boys, each learning they are not The Big J!
I agreed with every one of your calendar changes, and wish they would all be done right now! All logical. Irksome that they are not. Maybe I’d allow a little slippage on the 360-day/February one, ’cause others are too stuck in their ways to go for it, but all the others? Most definitely.
Especially having no holiday 2 stuff around until after holiday 1. And WAY no holiday 3 stuff!
Thanks Babe. All that is legitimate pet peeves for me. I wasn’t kidding. If only I had the power of Julius Caesar!
I knew you weren’t kidding, and I wasn’t either. I share the peeves.
I’m really rooting for you, Phil. In terms of becoming president or the sexiest man alive! Keep plugging away! As for the calendar, having all-things Christmas start the day before 25th December and end the day after would be my kind of Christmas!
I agree with ALL of this. Though we’ll need to talk about the “we make all the good movies” sentence at some point haha. We also celebrate Bonfire Night on the 5th Nov. I would like the day afterwards to be a national holiday, so we can get over our Bonfire Night hangovers & clear up all the bonfires/fireworks. Then after this day Christmas can be mentioned. Thanking you.
I’ve know of Bonfire night and yes, my plan should certainly be adapted to each countries needs. I am always running for President of the United States, but maybe I should campaign for President of the United Nations
Do it, Phil. Do it for the good of the world! You’ve got my vote.
I only have one problem with this list. If you move Halloween to the end of September then my Florida peeps will still be sweating and dodging hurricanes. You northerners will just have to suck it up.
Hurricanes don’t hit so often that we need to accommodate them. If we live in fear the hurricanes win.
I have actually had two halloweens put on hold for hurricanes. It happens, bub. Plus, the sweating! My entire childhood was ruined from halloween costumes that were too hot. You have no idea.
My whole childhood was ruined from having to wear a coat over my Halloween costume. Let’s compromise and move Halloween up by two weeks. Second Saturday in October ok with you?
Are you going to let me be Vice President? I wanna be Vice President.
Done! Mrs. Vice-President it is!
Ok. You can have your early Halloween, but don’t make me impeach you.
As if you could!
I’d find a way. Never underestimate my stubborn Irish will.
Never underestimate mine!
I love this, Phil. I agree completely with all your changes so I hope you are elected president. I have some strong feelings about holidays and I wrote about it too in a blog post I called, “If I was in charge of holidays.” Can I be your presidential running mate? I think we could make America relaxed again.
Here in the UK the Queen has 2 birthdays. By my reckoning that makes her 182. Can you please tell her no more. In fact she needs to hand some back. It’s a wonder we don’t have a national candle shortage!
Here in the States it wouldn’t surprise me if our current President didn’t try to implement two national holidays for his birthday
Reblogged this on mistybooks and commented:
You’re in luck Phil – I was thinking of stepping down from my position of ‘Sexiest Man Alive,’ so there may be a vacancy coming up – watch this space 😀
Ha! Thanks for the re-blog!
I love your idea, but would round up to 370. The year goes by too fast as it is!
Yes, yes, double yes (wait, does that make it a quadruple yes?)! If you can make this happen, I will vote for you for both president and sexiest man alive. I am a little confused, though, by the use of the word “or.” What can’t you be both at the same time? Aim high, kid.
Hmm… Sexiest Man Alive and President? Great idea! Challenge accepted!
I vote for using the Canadian Thanksgiving date too. Okay, I’m Canadian but isn’t suppose to be a celebration of the harvest? The harvest is finished in October not November. Or is the US date in November because the local natives saw those dumb pilgrims starving by the time November came around and took pity on them. I’ll take the harvest date when the brussel sprouts are still fresh!
Love it! I love the idea of every holiday being on a weekend so we have the next day off!