Category Archives: Politics

President Oprah & V.P. Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson?

photo from menshealth.com

Could it happen? Oprah as President with Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson as the second in command? It sounds ridiculous, but it’s not as far fetched as it may seem, and it may not be a bad thing.

First get over the fact that I, as a psychic soothsayer, predicted Oprah as President in this post from 2011 and three weeks ago predicted Dwayne Johnson would run for a Florida senate seat in 2018 in my psychic predictions for 2018 . (Also, this just came to me, a new addition to my 2018 psychic predictions: Meghan Markle, the new Duchess of Something or Other, will get pregnant. It may be announced late in 2018 or early in 2019.)

Some people are up in arms about another TV personality running for public office. Many people are thinking, “Why do we need another ego-driven, no political experience,  blowhard in office?”

Guess what? I think that’s exactly what we need in office.  I lived through it once already and it wasn’t so bad. When I was a kid, Ronald Reagan was elected President of the United States. And guess what? Back then everybody felt pretty good about it. I think we all felt pretty good about it specifically because he had been an actor! We didn’t think to ourselves, “Oh great a B-list actor from the 1950’s is our President!” What I believe we liked was his ability to appear Presidential and speak in a very Presidential manner. He acted like a President. His State of the Union addresses seemed like it was your grandfather sitting the country on his knee and telling you that no matter how many nuclear weapons the Russians had you should just have your milk and cookies and go to bed because he was going to make everything alright.

Ronald Reagan may have been a pioneer, as far as politics go, when he first was elected to public office, but he certainly wasn’t the last:

Four terms as Congressman

California Governor 8 years

Former Governor of Minnesota

He played a District Attorney on Law & Order while he was a Senator!

See? Some Hollywood types have successfully segued into the political arena without doing permanent harm to the country’s collective psyche. And, admit it, there have even been times that you’ve thought to yourself that you could be a better leader of the country than whoever was in charge. You imagine yourself filling your cabinet with the wisest, most experienced minds in the land, and you would hear and consider their counsel before making wise decisions.

Don’t you want someone running our country who might just take that approach and give kick ass speeches that make us feel good? I do. That’s why I’m running for President in 2020 against any and all Hollywood types that choose to show up. If a goofy old actor or exaggerated real estate salesman can be President, why can’t a psychic humor blogger? A psychic President would be great. If I knew what was going to happen in the future I could make all the right decisions!  #Phil2020 <== Go ahead, click that, you know you want to!

Have a great Saturday! I’ll see you on the campaign trail! ~Phil

When I’m Elected President, or Sexiest Man Alive…

When I’m elected President, or Sexiest Man Alive, whichever come first, I’m going to fix the calendar. What? You didn’t know it was broken? Or is it that you didn’t know that being Sexiest Man Alive came with such all-encompassing powers? Either way, you’ve got a lot to learn.

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Yes, the calendar is wrong. It’s all wrong. So very wrong. Me? I’m right. Completely right. My plan to reform the current calendar is not unprecedented. Our current calendar was first reformed by a visionary by the name of Julius Caesar. In 46 B.C. he had the idea to revise the calendar, but his changes didn’t take effect until 45 B.C. Of course he had to revise the calendar! They were counting backwards to the birth of Jesus Christ, whom they didn’t know was going to be born. How the hell do you keep that kind of thing straight? How many times was some Spanish kid named Jesus (pronounced Hey Soos) born and they decided that it was year zero only to discover later that the little brat was not the son of God, but was actually the son of Jose? (Relax, I’m not making any religious statements here, just reciting historical facts.)

Anyway, my point is that it isn’t unprecedented for some brilliant, charismatic genius to get into a position of power and to change the calendar. When I’m elected President, or Sexiest Man Alive, here’s what I will do:

A. First, a year will be 360 days long so that every month with have 30 days. I like round numbers.

B. All holidays will occur either on a Friday or Saturday so we get the next day off if we’re celebrating.

C. No advertising or planning for one holiday can be done until the last holiday is completed. We don’t need Christmas crap in the stores in August.

D. Every sports league championship will be held on a Saturday night.

funny-calendar-months-clipart

New Years Day: That’s good. Jan. 1 seems cool with everybody, except the Chinese. Apparently 1.3 billion Chinese can be wrong. Sorry folks, the rest of the world is against you on this. You don’t get your own New Year anymore, and I don’t care if it’s the Year of The Orangutan or the Three Toed Sloth. Call it the year of any animal you want as long as you start it the same day as everyone else.

February: It’s time to knock off that Leap Year nonsense. What exactly are we leaping? I’m taking the 31st day off of two other months and giving those to February.

April Fool’s Day: Really? Do we need a day to be reminded that there are idiots amongst us? I’m taking this one right off the calendar.

Spring and Fall time changes: Gone. we don’t need these any more. They’re annoying and if not every country or state does them, then knock it off.

Halloween: Will be moved to the last Saturday in September. October 31st is too late. Kids don’t need to have their Halloween costumes ruined by having to wear a coat over or under them because it’s raining, snowing or too cold. The last Saturday is so that adults can have a few beverages at our Halloween parties without worrying that we have to get up for work in the morning.

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Thanksgiving: Yes, it’s an American and Canadian holiday. In the future it will occur on the same day in both countries, and the Thursday is perfect as long as we get the Friday after it off of work. The rest of the world can join in and have a day where they’re thankful that the United States makes all the good movies and participates in everybody’s wars.

Christmas: We do not need a four month Christmas season. You can begin advertising, planning and watching It’s a Wonderful Life at midnight on Thanksgiving. It will occur on the next to last Friday of December. The last Friday of December will be reserved for New Year’s Eve.

That’s it. If you agree with my proposed changes, that’s great, because when I’m elected President, or Sexiest Man Alive, whichever comes first, you won’t have a choice anyway. If you do plan to vote for me, please show it by hitting the Facebook, Twitter, or re-blog buttons below. If you could make any changes to the calendar, what would they be? Have a great weekend! ~Phil

#PHIL2020

And Your Next President Is…

“Don’t wanna be an American idiot. One nation controlled by the media. Information nation of hysteria. It’s going out to idiot America.” -Green Day    Every spring America votes and chooses their next alleged singing superstar. Over 63 million votes are cast. As has been widely reported, that number is more than any President in history has ever received. American Idol is so popular that the Fox network has runs it two nights a week for 4 months and wins the ratings time slot every time.

“Idol,” as the fans call it, is talked about in every workplace, reported on in every newspaper, and mentioned on every news program. America feels passionately about their right to choose. There has been nothing since World War II that has united Americans the way that Idol has. Even if you don’t watch it, you know it exists and most likely you know the names.  This next statement is supposition on my part, but I defy anyone to find evidence to the contrary: More Americans can name the American Idol judges and Ryan Seacrest than can name the Vice-President. Technology has made Americans lazy. Unless we can see it on a little, glowing screen “it” makes little impact upon our lives. There is a very real possibility that physical newspapers, books, and magazines will be something our grandchildren will only read about on history websites. Equally obsolete is the American electoral system. We’ve elected the head of our country, the so-called leader of the free world, by the same method for 150 years. My question is, how do we get voters as interested and motivated to participate in our political system like they do in Ameriocan Idol?

The answer is simple. Why not make our Presidential election more modern? Why not choose our President the way we choose our American Idol? Let’s make it a t.v. show where voters can call, I.M., or text message our votes as many times as we want as we narrow the field down to two candidates. With our current system Americans have very little say in who the final two Presidential candidates are. I want the choice back! The t.v. show, American President, could have auditions in several cities with a panel of intelligent but entertaining judges weeding out the obvious losers. Sure, we’d have a few William Hungs, Crazy Daves or Taylor Hicks, but after our last few Presidents who’s to say we didn’t already elect the equivalent? And why the heck not have a talent part of the competition too? Who doesn’t want to see Barack perform magic tricks and Mitt juggling?

If politics were more entertaining, more people would be informed and invested in voting. And yes, I am proposing that people get to vote more than once if they want to. Why not? If you care that passionately about your candidate that you’ll spend two hours a week text messaging then you deserve more say in the outcome than the lump who sits on their couch eating cheetos and won’t lift a finger except to lick that orange stuff off. I can’t imagine anything more entertaining and suspenseful than to hear Ryan Seacrest say, “America voted and I’m going to tell you who your next President will be….after the break.”

If you enjoy my nonsense feel free to vote by leaving a comment and look for my new novel White Picket Prisons which will be available on Amazon literally any minute now.

#PHIL2020