Tag Archives: calendar

When I’m Elected President, or Sexiest Man Alive…

When I’m elected President, or Sexiest Man Alive, whichever come first, I’m going to fix the calendar. What? You didn’t know it was broken? Or is it that you didn’t know that being Sexiest Man Alive came with such all-encompassing powers? Either way, you’ve got a lot to learn.


Yes, the calendar is wrong. It’s all wrong. So very wrong. Me? I’m right. Completely right. My plan to reform the current calendar is not unprecedented. Our current calendar was first reformed by a visionary by the name of Julius Caesar. In 46 B.C. he had the idea to revise the calendar, but his changes didn’t take effect until 45 B.C. Of course he had to revise the calendar! They were counting backwards to the birth of Jesus Christ, whom they didn’t know was going to be born. How the hell do you keep that kind of thing straight? How many times was some Spanish kid named Jesus (pronounced Hey Soos) born and they decided that it was year zero only to discover later that the little brat was not the son of God, but was actually the son of Jose? (Relax, I’m not making any religious statements here, just reciting historical facts.)

Anyway, my point is that it isn’t unprecedented for some brilliant, charismatic genius to get into a position of power and to change the calendar. When I’m elected President, or Sexiest Man Alive, here’s what I will do:

A. First, a year will be 360 days long so that every month with have 30 days. I like round numbers.

B. All holidays will occur either on a Friday or Saturday so we get the next day off if we’re celebrating.

C. No advertising or planning for one holiday can be done until the last holiday is completed. We don’t need Christmas crap in the stores in August.

D. Every sports league championship will be held on a Saturday night.


New Years Day: That’s good. Jan. 1 seems cool with everybody, except the Chinese. Apparently 1.3 billion Chinese can be wrong. Sorry folks, the rest of the world is against you on this. You don’t get your own New Year anymore, and I don’t care if it’s the Year of The Orangutan or the Three Toed Sloth. Call it the year of any animal you want as long as you start it the same day as everyone else.

February: It’s time to knock off that Leap Year nonsense. What exactly are we leaping? I’m taking the 31st day off of two other months and giving those to February.

April Fool’s Day: Really? Do we need a day to be reminded that there are idiots amongst us? I’m taking this one right off the calendar.

Spring and Fall time changes: Gone. we don’t need these any more. They’re annoying and if not every country or state does them, then knock it off.

Halloween: Will be moved to the last Saturday in September. October 31st is too late. Kids don’t need to have their Halloween costumes ruined by having to wear a coat over or under them because it’s raining, snowing or too cold. The last Saturday is so that adults can have a few beverages at our Halloween parties without worrying that we have to get up for work in the morning.

images (31)

Thanksgiving: Yes, it’s an American and Canadian holiday. In the future it will occur on the same day in both countries, and the Thursday is perfect as long as we get the Friday after it off of work. The rest of the world can join in and have a day where they’re thankful that the United States makes all the good movies and participates in everybody’s wars.

Christmas: We do not need a four month Christmas season. You can begin advertising, planning and watching It’s a Wonderful Life at midnight on Thanksgiving. It will occur on the next to last Friday of December. The last Friday of December will be reserved for New Year’s Eve.

That’s it. If you agree with my proposed changes, that’s great, because when I’m elected President, or Sexiest Man Alive, whichever comes first, you won’t have a choice anyway. If you do plan to vote for me, please show it by hitting the Facebook, Twitter, or re-blog buttons below. If you could make any changes to the calendar, what would they be? Have a great weekend! ~Phil


Throwback Thursdays! 30 Days Hath September? (1/31/06)

Ironically I originally posted this Jan. 31st. Or did I? And as is forever obvious to most readers, I had grandiose delusions even back then.


Jan. 31, 2006~ When I’m elected President or Sexiest Man Alive, whichever comes first, I’m going to pass a law straightening out the calendar once and for all. I’m sick and tired of trying to remember which months have 30 or 31 days. Also, why does February get screwed?

The year didn’t always begin on January 1st. Until Julius Caesar introduced his calendar in 45 B.C. the year started on different days depending upon your country or religion. That’s right, Julius Caesar came up with “his” calendar. He may have been an arrogant, self-righteous, tyrannical dictator, but hey, what’s wrong with that if you’ve got good ideas?  In fact, there used to be 10 months that ranged in length from 20-35 days.

People have been screwing with the calendar for centuries. It wasn’t until 1582 that Pope Gregory put the current calendar in place. When he did, the Protestants called him “The Roman Antichrist”, claiming that he made up the new calendar just to keep them from worshiping on the right days. What a bunch of morons! Yeah, that’s right Protestants, the Pope was opposed to Christ. Brilliant. Can you imagine the Pope thinking to himself, “I’ll fix those anal-retentive Protestants once and for all! I’ll make a new calendar for the entire world just so they can’t find their own holidays. HA HA HA HA HA HA (maniacal laughter).” You’d never imagine a Pope having maniacal laughter, but there it is.

If I change the calendar and someone refers to me as The Antichrist I’d feel honored. I mean, being considered THE Antichrist is pretty prestigious. Not a whole lot of people have been tagged with that title throughout history.

The current calendar wasn’t introduced until 1582 and wasn’t used worldwide until the 1700’s. It’s only been in use 300 years!  I don’t think it would be that traumatic to tweak it a little. Here’s my proposal: Make every month the same length, 28 days. Every week has 7 days and every month would have 4 weeks. Nice round numbers even the bottom feeders in society could grasp. I believe that over the course of our lives we all probably lose about a month of time just figuring out how many days certain months have and whether or not we can schedule something on September 31st for instance. How many times have you been in conversation trying to figure out how many weeks until you go on vacation? If the months all had the same amount of days it would be easy! How often do you go to a calendar to check if a month has 30 or 31 days? All that time would be saved with my new calendar. This may seem like a radical idea, but scientists are doing it all the time. This past New Years they added an extra second to 2005 to correct for something about the Earth’s orbit around the Sun. What do you think Leap Day, February 29th, is all about? Same thing.

Yes, I realize that by implementing my idea the seasons would gradually shift to different parts of the year, but Caesar implemented his calendar in 45 B.C. and by the time it was fixed by Pope Gregory 1500 years later we were only 10 days off schedule based on Earth’s orbit. 10 days in 1500 years! If I were to change the calendar would any of you really give a rats ass if the people on planet Earth in the year 3506 would have to make a new one?

Thank you for reading #ThePhilFactor. If you got a little laugh out of it please feel free to share by any of the social media buttons below and please come back Saturday for a brand new, never been seen before Phil Factor that I have yet to make up.