I’m traveling this week, and it’s hard not to notice how some airlines have stripped down the comforts of flying to save money. On some airlines it’s so bad that I’m surprised the seats aren’t just lawn furniture duct taped to the floor. Obviously when I’m elected President, or Sexiest Man Alive, whichever comes first, I’m going pass laws mandating minimum standards of comfort on flights. Here are The Top Ten Things Airlines Should Change:
1. Heated massage seats: Seriously, how great would this be?
2. When boarding the passengers, fill the plane from back to front: This would prevent people from walking down the aisle hitting all the other passengers with their ridiculously oversized “carry on” and from preventing you from getting to your seat while they clog the aisle like a piece of human cholesterol (the bad kind) trying to jam their bag in the overhead compartment. And you first class people can stop your whining now. Whether you get on first or last the plane still leaves at the same time.
3. Have the pilot mix in a loop de loop now and then: Flights are boring. This would spice things up a bit. Hello passengers, please fasten your seat belts and put your hand on top of your drinks.. My co-pilot Bucky just bet me ten dollars that I can’t get this thing to do a barrel roll.
4. Just let us roll down the window a little bit: There’s nothing worse than sitting next to the farty passenger in the stale, stagnant, recycled air. Sometimes I want to pull down the oxygen mask just to get a fresh breath. We’d only need to roll down the windows a little. They could put a lock on them so we can’t put them down far enough to get our heads out. (who just pictured being in a plane with your head out the window like a dog?)
5. Themed Flights: Just like themed cruises. Costumes, music, Disney characters, whatever. Hooters flights, why not?
6. A USB charging port at every seat: This is the biggest no-brainer ever.
7. A Shoes on policy: I don’t care what you’re reason is, no one should take their shoes off on a flight. It’s not a beach and I don’t need to see or smell your feet.
8. McDonald’s food on board: Or any decent baseline food that most people can recognize or accept. Airline food is not acceptable and under the Geneva Convention of 1949 qualifies as cruel and unusual punishment.
9. The flight attendants should have sedatives: Not for anxious passengers, but for obnoxious ones. The flight attendants could release it remotely through those little blowers above each seat and the annoying passenger would doze off for the rest of the flight not even knowing why.
10. What’s Your Seat Wheel! All seats, including first class, will be determined by a spin of the wheel at the gate. How fun would that be? There will also be a mystery celebrity on board every flight and the seat next to them is also on the wheel. Congratulations! You didn’t get first class, but you do get to sit next to Dustin Diamond!
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My inner physicist is screaming in pain about numbers 3 and 4. But my outer physicist agrees with 6 and 10 enough to make up for it.
I know those are completely silly ideas. This is a humor blog.
No, but I’ve travelled in economy far too may times.
So you’re a big Dustin Diamond fan?
The above response should actually go here. 😛
I would be happy just to have a decent sized seat … and I’m only 5’4″. How the tall guys fold themselves into a typical airline seat for several hours has me baffled.
Having said that, #9 is awesome 😉
You have to fly Virgin America for charging stations for each seat. The only thing about the seat wheel I don’t like is the high probability I will get next to the guy with the chronic cough and runny nose.
The only way not to sit next to the guy with the cough and runny nose is to be the guy with the cough and the runny nose.
There you go.
Happy travels, I bet it would be fun to be sat beside you!
Awww, thanks! Would you rather sit next to me or Dustin Diamond?
Definitely you but I’ve never heard of Dustin Diamond anyway!
#4 is not okay, for clearly scientific reasons, but I REALLY wish it could be. I roast on planes. The first thing I do when I get on one is practically strip down. I get so hot and claustrophobic that I feel ill. I feel so badly stifled, that little jet air thing is no good for me, I want AIR, Phil! AIR!
All great ideas
Seems more like a cruise
Don’t forget to give passengers
Lots of free booze!
#5 would ensure that I would never fly. Ever.
What if it was a Deadpool/ Marvel theme?
Now you’re not fighting fair at all..
But that would be a possibility! How fun would that be? I got dibs on Spider-Man
If I ever have to render you in Lego Form, you are definitely Spidey….just need to figure out which version 😉
The classic version of course. I’m old school Spidey!
The Seat Wheel sounds great! Congrats, you get to sit next to my kids. Here are their snacks, diapers, and toys. Have fun!
LOL! That would really be winning for you!
I was talking to my son about this not an hour ago and had him listen to this take on the idea of cheap flights. http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=ZAg0lUYHHFc
Should ring a few bells. 🙂
Number 1 is so brilliant. I want one in my home, too. In the air, combine that seat with a digital methane detector that causes the release of deodorizer, et voilá!
Now, for number 7, I’ve always taken my shoes off, but always thought airlines should provide passengers who disshoe with little hospital paper booties. I suppose these could also be impregnated with anti-stinkum.
I see a marketing opportunity here, Phil!
All these would defo make the flight better. Except perhaps the loop the loop one…not so keen on that lol
This post was EXCELLENT and Right on the money Phil 😉
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