TBT: Never Mind the Bollocks, Here’s The Phil Factor!

A year ago at this time I was going to England. I have this terrible job that makes me go to all these terrible places.

(05/03/2014) If all goes as planned I’ll be standing on British soil, or pavement, when you read this. That is, if customs lets me in the country. I’m hoping that by the time I arrive I’ll see t-shirts with the picture below on them in all the airport gift shops.

keep-calm-and-phil-factor-on-2

Oy, citizens of England, I have a few questions for you:

What is with your food names? Bangers and Mash, Bubbles and Squeak, Fish and chips, Thelma and Louise. Why always two thingsAny chance you could name some of your foods after the stuff that’s in them? I’m a picky eater and I’m going to have a heck of a time trying to figure out what to eat.

Greenwich Mean Time (GMT): Why not Greenwich Friendly Time? If the time is a Mean, does that mean that it’s the average of all the times? How about just Greenwich Time? Then there’s BST, British Summer Time. Is there a clock that will tell me when it’s Pub Time? That’s the time I really want to be sure of.

Freeman

The Martin Freeman Syndrome: I’ve watched a lot of English shows on the telly in preparation for my trip and it appears that England has only five actors and actresses who are in all the shows. Martin Freeman must be the best of them because he’s in every single show.

Cinco de Mayo: The Mexican holiday, which translated means five spoonfuls of mayonnaise. I’m going to be in England for Cinco de Mayo.  Is there a good Mexican restaurant in London?

The accent: Are the English as enamored of the American accent as we are of their accent? Will an Englishman punch me if I spend all week trying to speak with an English accent and use English phrases?

Are the Buckingham Palace guards sick of selfies yet? That’s got to be the worst. They’re just stuck standing there, unmoving, while thousands of tourists take selfies with them. I can’t wait to take lots of selfies with all kinds of English stuff. The Stonehenge selfie. The Queen selfie. The Big Ben selfie. The Royal Jewels selfie. The Eye selfie. I’ll probably be banned from Facebook on both sides of the pond after this trip.

Well, that’s all I’ve got for now. By next week I’ll be sure to have more questions and maybe some answers to these questions. Have a great weekend! ~Phil

13 responses to “TBT: Never Mind the Bollocks, Here’s The Phil Factor!

  1. Well, I have answers.
    1. If we name foods after their contents, a) no one would eat them (frankly would you eat chunks-of-pork-fat-in-pig-intestine-in-mashed-up-root-vegetable) and b) we couldn’t convince foreigners to eat them.
    2. Greenwich Mean Time is better than any of your time, because it is nasty to people who disrespect the British. Also it is the standard by which satellites are controlled and therefore the best.
    3. Correct. Martin Freeman, Benedict Cumberbatch, Emma Watson, Peter Capaldi and the One with the Hat.
    4. Yes. For more details, google it
    5. Yes, lots.
    6. No, they are robots. Did you not know that?
    Yours sincerely,
    British chap with resplendent moustache. Moustache spelt right, that is.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. If you try to speak with an english accent, you will get punched! Not as many people over here are as enamored of the American accent as you guys are of the British one. Not as many at all! I hope it helps – I may be French but I’ve lived in the UK for a long time so don’t discount my sound advice because of my nationality 😉

    Like

  3. Haha. Love this… being British and all. You make some valid points….the food pairs, what’s up with that? The Martin freeman TV invasion…*long sigh*, Those sulky guards who never smile… Things need to change around here…starting with those rather fetching Tee shirts with your name on! 😉

    Like

  4. Never mind Phil for President. Phil for Ambassador to Great Britain. And Sexiest Man Alive.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. And since this blog I understand
    That you’ve been officially banned?

    Liked by 1 person

  6. What do you mean terrible place???

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Smiled all the way, and LOL’d at five spoonfuls of mayo and that gross Royal Jewels selfie. (tell me you DID know what that meant)

    Another good one, Phil!

    Like

  8. Re accents – the “posh” accent is spoken by very few people, and if you visited Glasgow, Belfast, Liverpool, Birmingham, Newcastle, York or Cardiff (and that’s a tiny sample!) you would hear a different accent in every place. Good luck to visitors – we are incomprehensible at times!

    Liked by 1 person

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