I Think I’m Allergic to Allergies (Caution: This post may contain gluten & nuts)


Why is everyone allergic to everything? And why hasn’t modern medicine fixed these allergies? When I was a kid everything was made of gluten and nuts. The tags on our clothes said, “This clothing contains gluten and nuts. Every kind of nuts. There’s too many to count. Anyway if you get hives or can’t breathe, it’s purely coincidental. Suck it up and develop some immunity buttercup. Wash in warm water. Tumble dry on low.”  We even had toy guns that shot gluten and nuts. Now, everyone is either so allergic or so paranoid that you’d be on a National Security Agency list if you walked into an airport with a back pack full of gluten. Schools practically go into a full lock down if you walk in with a peanut.

And what is it with you fragrance allergic people? Where did you come from? When I was a kid we just smelled stuff and nobody broke out in hives. How about if you don’t like a smell you could just plug your nose so the rest of your office doesn’t have to go without deodorant. What ever happened to the concept of majority rules? Now we’ve become so politically correct that anytime one single little thing bothers one person, anyone within a ten block radius has to give up whatever the hell it is that patient zero is “sensitive” to.

I love this kid.

I love this kid.

That’s the worst when it isn’t even a real allergy and it’s only just a “sensitivity” to something. What’s that? You have a sensitivity to something? Do you break down crying when it’s around? It sounds like you have permanent PMS about one particular thing. (Sorry ladies, I know the struggle is real. Trust me, I know.)

Guess what? I’m mildly blue/green colorblind. Should I ask my company not to create any charts, graphs or marketing pieces in the colors of green and blue? No. Of course not! I suck it up and figure it out. I’d also like you gluten free people to try that. I don’t care if you’re allergic to gluten. Just shut up and eat food without gluten. Why does it have to be a big production? Why do the rest of us have to hear about it at every single frickin’ meal we eat with you? I’m lactose intolerant. Guess what? I don’t drink milk! You know what else? I let everyone around me drink all the milk they want.


How about if there were gluten free and nut free businesses? Hypo-allergenic schools? How great would that be? All the nut free/gluten free people could go to school and work and restaurants that they know are safe for them. Let’s throw the fragrance free nuts in there too. The rest of us could go about our lives enjoying gluten, nuts and smells anywhere we want. I’m not going to go so far as to suggest that the allergy crowd not reproduce, but I would like to see a law saying that they can’t reproduce with other allergy people. If the allergy folks reproduced with normal people eventually their mutant recessive allergy genes would be eliminated from the gene pool and in the future there would be no more problems with weird allergies! I’m a genius, right?

Ok, this was completely tongue in cheek. Yes, I realize it was completely insensitive. Yes, I know people have died from allergic reactions. Guess what though? We also need to be less sensitive about jokes. If everyone gets offended by everything and the comedians clean up their acts so as not to offend anyone, then comedy wouldn’t be fun. Remember the massacre at the headquarters of the French comedy magazine in January? Those shooters were  people that couldn’t take a joke.  If you are gluten or nut free I hope you can laugh at yourself a little and not show up at my house with guns. Have a great weekend! ~Phil

18 responses to “I Think I’m Allergic to Allergies (Caution: This post may contain gluten & nuts)

  1. I have some allergies to cleaning products, at work the housekeepers warn me when they are going to clean the loos because it can bring on an asthma attack. I think the problem is the chemicals used these days that clean and sterilize everything to death are killing us as well! Back in the day things were simpler and less harmful – so what if we ate some dirt!

  2. Do you have any idea how hard it is to be allergic to bees, while trying to save the bees, gardening. and eating honey for seasonal allergies? LOL I am the voice of irony! 😀
    My friend HME says we’re all too clean now: we have no immunity. I’m allergic to a lot of other crap that generally doesn’t affect my life.
    I’ve got sensitive skin, which is the worst, because clothes, soaps, blah blah. I don’t even wanna hug people who are dressed in synthetics. Hives. *sigh* Yes, I have cried about hives.
    Anyway, I wish they’d stop hiding crap in our food. Too @*#*$&^% hard to tell what we’re allergic to when it comes to processed foods. We really don’t need all that.

  3. Phil, I am soooo with you on this one! Used to be – in England anyway – a peck of dirt never hurt anyone now the peck of dirt would have to be analysed and certified and sterilised and ….. everything has gone bonkers (that’s an English term for nuts 🙂 ) Let’s ditch the chemicals and get back to some real dirt, we’d all be fine !

  4. I remember once there was a rule
    About bringing peanut butter sandwiches to school
    That if such decides to bring this on occasion
    Then they must eat in isolation
    And so it seemed this was on order
    That was imposed upon my daughter
    Funny but when I was in school
    They never did have such a rule
    Well goodness gracious god forbid
    It looks like everybody lived.

  5. … and as the universe would have it, I’m sitting here reading this with my giant jar of peanut butter beside me 🙂

    Phil, you do tongue-in-cheek very well 😀

  6. My daughter has had trouble with allergies, she has lactose intolerance, and it made her really ill when she was younger. I just changed our diet and we ate things that were naturally milk free.
    You know what bugs me? The fact people will go out of their way to replace it with stuff that shouldn’t exist because it’s so disgusting. Like soya products. Okay, fine for some people, do what you like, but that stuff is disgusting.
    To me it’s like being a vegetarian and buying stuff that resembles meat but doesn’t have meat in it. Like vegebacon or quorn fake mince meat. If you’re that against the idea of eating animals, why do you buy stuff that looks like meat, and causes more harm environmentally than if you bought meat in the first place?

  7. Allergies, sensitivities and/or sensitive people … It gets more difficult every day to please all of the people all of the time (so I gave up!) Anita

  8. Just take your allergy meds and get on with It!!!! (I take them myself!) I was once diagnosed with food ‘sensitivities’… mushrooms chocolate and vodka being a few . I tried to restrict myself then realised I’d rather live life (even if I itched lots for a while!) And take antihistamines. I mean come on… who’s allergic to Vodka?! 😉

    • That’s funny! I’ve never heard of a vodka allergy! Although I remember that too much of it in university made me vomit, but I don’t think that was an allergy.

      • Neither had I??!! There was also a sensitivity to white wine. Now… These were my only two poisons at the time… how could I go without??!!

  9. Hi phil i laughed loudest I know because my neighbour told me so 😲.
    I am an anaphylactic and my airborn life threatening reaction has me by the balls … well if I had balls. But the most dangerous things for me are people who have a sensitivity, possibly a rash, or feel a little off colour or simply make it up! Stop! EACH TIME SOMEONE does this it puts people like me at risk. Diluting the effect of a word that should put the fear of god in anyone who hears it. My anaphylaxis will kill me because someone will think i am just another faddy woman making (pardon the pun) a meal of a rash.

    • Yes, you’re absolutely right. So many people attention seeking by playing a trumped up allergy card diminishes the importance of understanding those that have real life threatening allergies. I hope my post came across as only mocking those that use questionable allergies to get attention.

  10. I think you might be on to something with the idea that allergy people shouldn’t reproduce though…

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