Throwback Thursday! The Elf From Hell

This isn’t really a throwback because it’s timely and relevant every year and I intend to keep posting it until all the demented parents stop waging psychological warfare on their young children.


(12/22/2012) Most of you are familiar with the Elf on the Shelf right?  In the Elf on the Shelf tradition these poorly dressed little plastic elves are mischievous minions of the red suited overlord who spy on the every move of children and report back to their tyrannical leader. That allegedly quaint little elf doll was invented about 10 years ago as a new, and for some toy making company, moneymaking tradition. Fortunately for my kids I wasn’t aware of The Elf on the Shelf when they were young enough to believe in it.


Parents put these little Elves on a shelf and the children are told that the Elf cannot be touched or it will lose it’s Chistmas magic. The elf allegedly flies back to the North Pole to report to Santa every night. Man kids are gullible! In the immortal words of Bugs Bunny, “What a bunch of maroons!” The nightly flight is how parents explain that the Elf is in a different spot when the kids wake up each morning.

Of course this crazy little ruse makes kids behave in the weeks leading up to Christmas! They’re terrified! Are you kidding me? Even now if you told me a Chuckie doll was going to sit on my shelf and stare at me while I slept, or that it might be moving around my house at night? I would never go to sleep again. The kids have got to be too terrified or too tired to misbehave. No wonder they have a weeks vacation from school after Christmas. They probably spend that week sleeping for the first time in a month.

I have a friend who says that after her kids are asleep she will pose the Elf somewhere to make it appear as if the Elf had gotten into mischief overnight, such as putting him next to a tipped over jar of something, or maybe on a desk next to some torn up papers. So her kids wake up imagining that this creepy little doll with the frozen scary clown smile is moving about the house in the dark destroying things. How much longer before someone imagines the doll picking up a knife? What if in some home where they’re torturing their kids with the Elf on the Shelf, just by coincidence, their elderly dog or cat were to pass away during the night? What do you suppose those kids are going to think for the rest of their lives?

This tradition sounds like psychological warfare against children. How long before we see kids who have grown up with this tradition seeking counseling for PTED, Post-Traumatic Elf Disorder?

Happy Holidays to you and your families. If you really want something mysterious and far less traumatic to just appear somewhere this holiday season please share #ThePhilFactor by hitting the Facebook, Twitter, or Pinterest share buttons below. Have a great Thursday! ~Phil

21 responses to “Throwback Thursday! The Elf From Hell

  1. Erk, is this true about that creepy Christmas Elf????

  2. I never heard of this until recently and have no desire whatsoever. Creepy is right.
    Although I did threaten my son recently with a reminder that Santa knows when he’s not behaving 😉

  3. That elf, that elf
    Sits on the shelf
    I do not like
    That little elf
    So if you see
    That little elf
    Please tell him to
    Go f*** himself

  4. Pretty creepy. Also, I’m guessing you didn’t find the snow button

  5. Elf on the Shelf is the new Pumpkin Spice. Seasonal shenanigans at an extra price. :/

  6. A diabolical plan to control kids. Repulsive.

  7. We do not do the Elf on the Shelf. I think it’s creepy, and I really don’t have the energy or inclination to read the story every night then move the fracking thing. Plus, my husband does not like clowns or dolls (It and Chuckie scarred him for life).

  8. I still hate the Elf, as I hate Santa and I think parents should encourage their children to develop a nshtuer-nalring conscience instead.

  9. Joey’s comment is killing me now. Every time one of those kids hears a show blaring out how Santa brings toys to every child, or to every “good” girl and boy… Jeez. I feel like such a jerk for never having thought about that.

    The elf think, though…THAT sounds EXCELLENT. Had they had that little sucker when my boys were small, I would have developed a new torture pose for it every day, and so would my boys. What fun!

    (We had a post-Halloween tradition called Knife-the-Pumpkin where we’d take the Jack-o-Lantern outside and throw knives at it–Mwah-ah-ah!!! The family that slays together, stays together! Oh, wait…shoot.)

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