Snap Judgement Holiday Movie Reviews!

I continue my well received pantheon of “Snap Judgement” columns by reviewing the years top holiday movies that I haven’t seen yet:

Picture courtesy of Disney/Pixar

Picture courtesy of Disney/Pixar

The Good Dinosaur: If you’ve got kids under 10, this is a must see. If you’ve got kids over 10, don’t bother. You’ve seen this before in the form of twelve other Disney movies with the same theme. This is basically Finding Nemo but on land.  It’s got an all star cast of voices, but who really cares? You don’t actually see them. Why doesn’t the studio just find some no name voice actors who can sound like celebrities but cost the studio half as much and pass those savings on to us in the form of cheaper tickets? Parents, get the Finding Nemo dvd in the $5 bin at Walmart, show it to your kids at home and save yourself about $50. I give The Good Dinosaur a 4 out of 10.

Picture courtesy of some movie company I didn't bother to look up

Picture courtesy of some movie company I didn’t bother to look up

The Night Before: What? A Seth Rogen movie about partying? I can’t believe it! Yes, this could have been titled Holidays Meet The Hangover, but who cares? You know exactly what to expect in this movie. That being said, Seth Rogen and Joseph Gordon-Levitt (why do guys hyphenate their last names? Was Joseph Gordon his maiden name?) are always good. As far as sophomoric humor goes, this is the top of the line this year. 7 out of 10.

Picture courtesy of New Line Cinema & Warner Bros.

Picture courtesy of New Line Cinema & Warner Bros.

Creed: Yaaaa! It’s Rocky 17! Yeah, yeah Sylvester. We get it. Have the kid chase some chickens, run up some steps and overcome adversity. However did you come up with such an original premise? Hopefully Sylvester Stallone as the kids trainer will die in the corner during a fight like Mickey in Rocky 2. I’m not sure of the name Mickey or if it happened in Rocky 2, but I don’t care, just like you shouldn’t care about this movie. 2 out of 10.

Picture courtesy the company that made the movie.

Picture courtesy the company that made the movie.

Star Wars: The Force Awakens: Thirty years later Harrison Ford comes back as Han Solo to help defeat some new evil empire. Jeez, I hope they don’t let him fly anything in this movie. Remember his plane crash last March? On a related note, just yesterday Carrie Fisher said that she thinks banning Princess Leia bikini merchandise is “stupid.” No offense to Carrie, but I don’t think she can pull off the bikini look anymore. Spoiler alert: In this one a Stormtrooper just absolutely blows away Jar Jar Binks and Luke Skywalker stops their laser sword battle to thank him. All jokes aside, if you like the Star Wars franchise go see it and bring your Force Awakens action figures for 50% off your ticket. I made that last part up, but you dorks can go try it. Who knows? 8 out of 10.

Have a great weekend everybody. Just don’t tell the movie companies about my reviews so I don’t have to spend the holiday season n court. ~Phil

8 responses to “Snap Judgement Holiday Movie Reviews!

  1. I’m a few years over 10, but I’d like to see The Good Dinosaur. Please don’t hate me for saying so. As for the other movies, never will I ever bother with any of them. They look to be pointless or repetitive, but that cute dinosaur looks like a heart throb to me. *hubba, hubba*

  2. YOu’ve put these movies to the test
    I have no doubt that you know best
    Though I’m at the mercy at what my kids choose
    Who knows what ends up in my Netflix queue?

  3. Congratulations! I’ve nominated you for the Blogger Recognition Award!

  4. I was telling the youngun that Carrie Fisher was told to lose weight for the role in this movie…he wanted to know who they would have gotten to play Princess Leia instead if she hadn’t done so. Hmmm…

  5. I would reverse the ratings between the dinosaur and Star War films–that dinosaur is totally cute, and there are all those lightning bugs!–but I am mostly impressed again, Phil, at your powers of perception.

    Wish your Jar-Jar jab had really been in the film. Someday, a future Ted Turner type will improve whichever Star Wars film that Step’n’Fetchit freak first appears in by digitally editing him into a different character.

    Perhaps put a giant sombrero on him, and have him say “Arriba!” a whole bunch? (I’m being naughty, aren’t I?)

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