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The 3rd Annual Snap Judgement Oscar Awards!


For the third year in a row I’m handing out my own Oscars using the kind of idiotic rationale we all use to choose the movies we go see. Half-assed and uninformed, The Snap Judgement Oscar Awards have been one of my more popular posts the last two years. Feel free to chip in with your opinions in the comments. The more the merrier!


Actress in a Supporting Role: The nominees are Jennifer Jason Lee, Rooney Mara, Rachel McAdams, Alicia Vikander, and Kate Winslet. Jennifer Jason Lee is ruled out because she has three names and two of them are men’s. It’s like her name is half of the Brady Bunch. Can’t you just hear Carol Brady calling them down to dinner? “Jennifer, Jason, Lee, time for dinner! Wash your hands first!” I almost picked Rooney Mara because she’s related to two families that own football teams, and I like football. But…drumroll please! The 2016 Snap Judgement Oscar Award for Best Supporting Actress is Rachel McAdams because she is still one of the cutest women ever created.


Actor in a Supporting Role: The nominees areChristian Bale, Tom Hardy, Mark Ruffalo, Mark Rylance and Sylvester Stallone. Sly Stallone is immediately ruled out because I heard once that he doesn’t allow his household staff to look him in the eye. Christian Bale is out because I hated his stupid Batman voice. Tom Hardy gets consideration because when I was a kid I read all the books about he and his brother solving mysteries. Never heard of Mark Rylance. The Snap Judgement Oscar for Supporting Actor goes to Mark Ruffalo because I like him as Dylan Rhodes in 2013’s Now You See Mea surprisingly fun movie with a great surprise ending.

Actress in a Leading Role: The nominees are Cate Blanchett, (already ruled out because she seems kind of snooty), Brie Larson, being named after cheese is a good start, Jennifer Lawrence, (the three time winner of the Hunger Games already has enough hardware), Charlotte Rampling, (interesting name is points in her favor), Saoirse Ronan, who is disqualified because no one can pronounce her first name. The Oscar for Best Actress goes to…Scarlett Johanssen in Avengers because she can rock a leather jumpsuit like nobody’s business.


Actor in a Leading Role: Bryan Cranston, Matt Damon, Leonardo DiCaprio, Michael Fassbender, and Eddie Redmayne. Eddie is ruled out because of his weird name. Same goes for Fassbender. Damon seems to get lost in every movie, so he doesn’t need an Oscar for playing the same character again. DiCaprio? Sure, great actor. So great that he doesn’t need a trophy to validate him. The Snap Judgement Oscar for Best Leading Actor goes to Bryan Cranston for his role as the dad in Malcolm in the Middle. He was hilarious. I think he may have a future in acting. BTW, whatever happened to Frankie Muniz?

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Best Picture: The nominees are: The Big Short, Bridge of Spies, Brooklyn, Mad Max, Bring Him Home, The Revenant, Room, and Spotlight. The Big Short is out because the title is an oxymoron and they crammed the movie full of great actors in an obvious bid to get the Oscar. Bridge of Spies? It’s hard to root against Tom Hanks. Brooklyn? It’s not even the best borough in New York, so it can’t be the best movie. Mad Max? Are you kidding me? I couldn’t sit through a commercial about that crappy Comic-Con wanna-be costumed freak show, much less two hours. The Martian? Do we need to bring him home? Haven’t we seen enough Matt Damon movies? Room? That doesn’t sound exciting. I’ve got lots of rooms. Spotlight is tempting because Mark Ruffalo is in it and he played a great Hulk. The 2016 Snap Judgement Oscar Award goes to…Jurassic World starring Chris Pratt. Best 3-D effects I’ve ever seen. All movies should be in 3-D and I’m happy to pay for the extra D every time.


So what do you think? Do you agree with my choices? What are your choices? And please include your idiotic rationale in the comments. Have a great weekend! ~Phil

Snap Judgement Holiday Movie Reviews!

I continue my well received pantheon of “Snap Judgement” columns by reviewing the years top holiday movies that I haven’t seen yet:

Picture courtesy of Disney/Pixar

Picture courtesy of Disney/Pixar

The Good Dinosaur: If you’ve got kids under 10, this is a must see. If you’ve got kids over 10, don’t bother. You’ve seen this before in the form of twelve other Disney movies with the same theme. This is basically Finding Nemo but on land.  It’s got an all star cast of voices, but who really cares? You don’t actually see them. Why doesn’t the studio just find some no name voice actors who can sound like celebrities but cost the studio half as much and pass those savings on to us in the form of cheaper tickets? Parents, get the Finding Nemo dvd in the $5 bin at Walmart, show it to your kids at home and save yourself about $50. I give The Good Dinosaur a 4 out of 10.

Picture courtesy of some movie company I didn't bother to look up

Picture courtesy of some movie company I didn’t bother to look up

The Night Before: What? A Seth Rogen movie about partying? I can’t believe it! Yes, this could have been titled Holidays Meet The Hangover, but who cares? You know exactly what to expect in this movie. That being said, Seth Rogen and Joseph Gordon-Levitt (why do guys hyphenate their last names? Was Joseph Gordon his maiden name?) are always good. As far as sophomoric humor goes, this is the top of the line this year. 7 out of 10.

Picture courtesy of New Line Cinema & Warner Bros.

Picture courtesy of New Line Cinema & Warner Bros.

Creed: Yaaaa! It’s Rocky 17! Yeah, yeah Sylvester. We get it. Have the kid chase some chickens, run up some steps and overcome adversity. However did you come up with such an original premise? Hopefully Sylvester Stallone as the kids trainer will die in the corner during a fight like Mickey in Rocky 2. I’m not sure of the name Mickey or if it happened in Rocky 2, but I don’t care, just like you shouldn’t care about this movie. 2 out of 10.

Picture courtesy the company that made the movie.

Picture courtesy the company that made the movie.

Star Wars: The Force Awakens: Thirty years later Harrison Ford comes back as Han Solo to help defeat some new evil empire. Jeez, I hope they don’t let him fly anything in this movie. Remember his plane crash last March? On a related note, just yesterday Carrie Fisher said that she thinks banning Princess Leia bikini merchandise is “stupid.” No offense to Carrie, but I don’t think she can pull off the bikini look anymore. Spoiler alert: In this one a Stormtrooper just absolutely blows away Jar Jar Binks and Luke Skywalker stops their laser sword battle to thank him. All jokes aside, if you like the Star Wars franchise go see it and bring your Force Awakens action figures for 50% off your ticket. I made that last part up, but you dorks can go try it. Who knows? 8 out of 10.

Have a great weekend everybody. Just don’t tell the movie companies about my reviews so I don’t have to spend the holiday season n court. ~Phil