For the third year in a row I’m handing out my own Oscars using the kind of idiotic rationale we all use to choose the movies we go see. Half-assed and uninformed, The Snap Judgement Oscar Awards have been one of my more popular posts the last two years. Feel free to chip in with your opinions in the comments. The more the merrier!
Actress in a Supporting Role: The nominees are Jennifer Jason Lee, Rooney Mara, Rachel McAdams, Alicia Vikander, and Kate Winslet. Jennifer Jason Lee is ruled out because she has three names and two of them are men’s. It’s like her name is half of the Brady Bunch. Can’t you just hear Carol Brady calling them down to dinner? “Jennifer, Jason, Lee, time for dinner! Wash your hands first!” I almost picked Rooney Mara because she’s related to two families that own football teams, and I like football. But…drumroll please! The 2016 Snap Judgement Oscar Award for Best Supporting Actress is Rachel McAdams because she is still one of the cutest women ever created.
Actor in a Supporting Role: The nominees are: Christian Bale, Tom Hardy, Mark Ruffalo, Mark Rylance and Sylvester Stallone. Sly Stallone is immediately ruled out because I heard once that he doesn’t allow his household staff to look him in the eye. Christian Bale is out because I hated his stupid Batman voice. Tom Hardy gets consideration because when I was a kid I read all the books about he and his brother solving mysteries. Never heard of Mark Rylance. The Snap Judgement Oscar for Supporting Actor goes to Mark Ruffalo because I like him as Dylan Rhodes in 2013’s Now You See Me, a surprisingly fun movie with a great surprise ending.
Actress in a Leading Role: The nominees are Cate Blanchett, (already ruled out because she seems kind of snooty), Brie Larson, being named after cheese is a good start, Jennifer Lawrence, (the three time winner of the Hunger Games already has enough hardware), Charlotte Rampling, (interesting name is points in her favor), Saoirse Ronan, who is disqualified because no one can pronounce her first name. The Oscar for Best Actress goes to…Scarlett Johanssen in Avengers because she can rock a leather jumpsuit like nobody’s business.
Actor in a Leading Role: Bryan Cranston, Matt Damon, Leonardo DiCaprio, Michael Fassbender, and Eddie Redmayne. Eddie is ruled out because of his weird name. Same goes for Fassbender. Damon seems to get lost in every movie, so he doesn’t need an Oscar for playing the same character again. DiCaprio? Sure, great actor. So great that he doesn’t need a trophy to validate him. The Snap Judgement Oscar for Best Leading Actor goes to Bryan Cranston for his role as the dad in Malcolm in the Middle. He was hilarious. I think he may have a future in acting. BTW, whatever happened to Frankie Muniz?
Best Picture: The nominees are: The Big Short, Bridge of Spies, Brooklyn, Mad Max, Bring Him Home, The Revenant, Room, and Spotlight. The Big Short is out because the title is an oxymoron and they crammed the movie full of great actors in an obvious bid to get the Oscar. Bridge of Spies? It’s hard to root against Tom Hanks. Brooklyn? It’s not even the best borough in New York, so it can’t be the best movie. Mad Max? Are you kidding me? I couldn’t sit through a commercial about that crappy Comic-Con wanna-be costumed freak show, much less two hours. The Martian? Do we need to bring him home? Haven’t we seen enough Matt Damon movies? Room? That doesn’t sound exciting. I’ve got lots of rooms. Spotlight is tempting because Mark Ruffalo is in it and he played a great Hulk. The 2016 Snap Judgement Oscar Award goes to…Jurassic World starring Chris Pratt. Best 3-D effects I’ve ever seen. All movies should be in 3-D and I’m happy to pay for the extra D every time.
So what do you think? Do you agree with my choices? What are your choices? And please include your idiotic rationale in the comments. Have a great weekend! ~Phil
