Ground Control to Major Tom: Celebs in Space?

Billionaire owner of Virgin Galactic, Richard Branson, has sold tickets, at $200,000 each to several celebrities for a ride into space. $200,000 for a trip into space doesn’t sound bad, until you consider that it’s the cost for only fifteen minutes in space. That’s like paying to go to the movies, which is close to $200,000, and only getting to see the previews! If I’m paying $200,000 to go into space, first you all are going to have to buy a lot more of my books for me to afford that, and secondly I’m going to want more than 15 fecking minutes! For 200 hundred thou I want at least one lap all the way around the globe and a peek at the moon. Some call me the space cowboy….

Sadly the celebrities who have ponied up their cash for a an Uber ride into the stratosphere aren’t nearly as smart as me. Here’s the list: Tom Hanks, Leonardo DiCaprio, Victoria Principal (she was on the show Dallas about a hundred years ago), Russell Brand and Katy Perry (they’re not married anymore, so they’ll want different seats now. I volunteer to sit next to Katy! But seriously, who wants to be trapped in space with Russel Brand?), Kate Winslet was given a ticket by Richard Branson as a wedding gift after she saved his mother’s life from a fire. (How weird is that? If my house ever catches fire I’m hoping Jennifer Aniston rescues me. Mouth to mouth? Yes please!) Stephen Hawking; he can finally get out of that chair and float free. How great would that be for him? Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt; of course, but who’s going to watch all their kids? Ashton Kutcher, Justin Bieber; in space no one can hear you scream..shut the hell up Justin!

In my head I’m imagining a galactic shuttle bus lifting off with all these dopes peering out the windows like tourists. But what if…what if the unthinkable happened? What if the celeb laden spaceship were to run out of gas and just drift off into the universe never to return? First off, this would be a great plot for a movie wouldn’t it? Secondly, imagine the Earth’s horror as ten of it’s most famous citizens just disappeared? And some of them are actually good and talented people?

Remember how during early space travel how they tested things out by sending dogs and monkeys? What if Richard Branson did that, but with celebrities? Here’s my list of “celebrities” who I’d like to see used as test passengers on a vessel that might never return to Earth:

Justin Bieber: because he’s Justin Bieber, that’s why! Who doesn’t want to see this guy drifting around space like Sandra Bullock? In space, no one can hear you sing.

Kanye West: I”m sure Kanye already imagines that he’s famous on other planets any way. Let’s do this before he storms the Nobel Prize stage claiming that he should have won one.

Dr. Phil: I’m sick of him sullying the good name of Phil by being a pompous ass.

Gordon Ramsay: I want to send this jerk as the ship’s cook. His personality is as abrasive as a Brillo pad.

Nancy Grace: On my list she’s as objectionable a human as Bieber and Kanye. Nobody should be this mad all the time.

Bill Cosby: Worst living human being.

Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton: Let’s get these two out and get some normal, sane people to run for President.

So those are my nominations for the first, experimental, hopefully never to return to Earth, space mission. If it were up to you, who would you buy a one way ticket to outer space for?

Have a great Sunday! ~Phil