For those of you not yet aware of the Eurovision song contest, it’s basically American Idol, but it’s an epic worldwide contest where each country sends one singer. Why isn’t America invited? Because they fear us, that’s why! I am hearby declaring this blog post a petition to Eurovision to have the U.S. winner of American Idol be our representative in a Eurovision Song Contest. We’re the United States of America for cripes sake! We can’t let the rest of the world doing things better than us!
( Photo by Pedro Fiúza/NurPhoto via Getty Images)
Eurovision has been going on since 1956, the same year that The Simpsons started! It was originally begun as a way to promote peace and harmony among the nations. Look Eurovision people, right now, the United States is the country most likely to start a war. If you want to promote peace, let us in, or Donald Trump will threaten to bomb you. Of course, he’ll also probably want to be the United States contestant because he thinks he’s best in the world at everything.
Salvador Sobral, the winner at the Eurovision Grand Final on May 14, 2017 in Ukraine. Photo by Brendan Hoffman/Getty Images)
You know what would be great to promote peace? Use the Eurovision song contest to settle international beefs between countries. How about a rap battle between North Korea’s Kim Jon Un and Donald Trump? Here’s how that might go:
D. Trump: Your country North Korea sounds like diarrhea. You say you got nukes well put up your dukes.
Kim Jong Un: The United States is high and mighty, but if you go to war with me you’ll soil your tighty whities!
See? How much fun would that be? C’mon Eurovision! Don’t be a jerk! If you want to promote peace let the whole world in! I’m pretty sure that Australia isn’t in Europe but you let them in because of the almost British accent they have. Have a great Saturday! ~Phil
You spin me right round, baby Right round like a fidget spinner, baby Right round round round You spin me right round, baby Right round like a fidget spinner, baby Right round round round ~ partially borrowed from You Spin Me Round by Dead or Alive
Maybe it’s happened. Maybe unbeknownst to me, I’ve turned into a crotchety, cranky, cantankerous old man. I suppose the fact that I used the word ‘unbeknownst’ is probably a sign that I’m verging into the “Hey you kids! Get off of my lawn” phase of my life. Or maybe … millions of people are idiots. So as not to disrupt the consistent ‘brand‘ I’ve built here on #ThePhilFactor, I’m going to go with the millions of idiots theory. Are you one?
Are you one of the millions of idiots that have a “fidget spinner” because life is just too stressful and your hands and mind cant be idle to ponder the mysteries of the universe for even a minute?
For my readers from outside of North America, I don’t know if these are in your country yet, but fidget spinners are those little things that are in the top picture of this post. People just hold them between their thumb and forefinger and spin them. That’s it. That’s all they do. What does that accomplish? I have no idea. Allegedly they help relieve stress and boredom. WTF? Are you kidding me? What the hell happened to cell phones? Adults and kids all over the United States are buying these stupid little toys and carrying them with them everywhere.
Is this what our society has come to? Are we so accustomed to constant external stimulation that our minds are unable to cope with thirty seconds of boredom? I think that these idiotic things are representative of our society as a whole, and it’s not good. Not good at all.
“But Phil“, you’re saying to yourself, “fidget spinners are just a harmless toy. How could they possibly be a bad thing for society?” First, thank you for saying my name when you speak in your head. I love that. Second, think about our lives before “smart phones.” When we were bored, we daydreamed, we reminisced, and we thought of stuff. The people who created Google and Amazon didn’t have fidget spinners or smart phones. They had a shit load of free time to think of stuff. How about the space program? You ask a twenty year old if they want to have a manned mission to Mars and they’d be like, “What? Why would I go to Mars when I can just look it up on my phone?”
Stephen King? Shakespeare?The Wright Brothers? Yup, they had no fidget spinners or smart phones. The people who invented smartphones had no smartphones or fidget spinners. Anything and everything great in our life was invented before cell phones and fidget spinners! Right now there are thousands of millenials taking jobs at Google and they’re skateboarding into work with fidget spinners in their pockets and the creative idiots that run the company are going to let them play with those stupid things all day. I predict the end of Google within two years. The Phil Factor, however, will still be going. You know why? That’s right, because I don’t have a fidget spinner. Tell me, has anything truly great, truly advancing human kind occurred since fidget spinners were invented? Bueller? Bueller? Yeah, I didn’t think so. Case closed.
You spin me right round, baby Right round like a fidget spinner, baby Right round round round
Now you’ve got that song stuck in your head. You’re welcome. Have a great Saturday! ~Phil
Yaaa! Adam Levine and his wife Basmati Prinsloo have a new baby daughter and her name is dusty rose. Oops, I guess since that random combination of words is actually a name, I should capitalize it. Dusty Rose. Here’s picture of Dusty Rose:
She’s adorable isn’t she! They named her after a color, and it’s not even a good color! Maybe she can go to school with with Kim Kardashian and Kanye Wests’ daughter, North West. Here she is:
Imagine being a teacher in a school full of these idiotically named celebrity kids:
“Kids, it’s time to line up to go to lunch! Everyone over to the door, single file. Yes, Blue Ivy, you can go to the bathroom first, but hurry up. Rocket Zot! Stop cutting in line. Now you have to go back and get behind Zuma. Royalty and Bear Blaze, could you push in all the chairs, please. (little girl quietly tugs on teachers jacket) Yes Apple, there will be a vegan, gluten free, free-range soy option at lunch. Jermajesty! It’s Pilot Inspektor and Siri‘s, I mean Suri‘s turn to erase the board. You can do it after recess. Moxie Crimefighter, could you take the attendance list and run it down to the office?”
All the names are hyperlinked to articles online so you can see who the guilty parents are, if you don’t know. Yes, Moxie Crimefighter is a child’s real name. She’s the daughter of magician Penn Jillette, who himself is named after an inanimate object or a verb. Of all the stupid celebrity child names, I like that one best. But it’s possible that Moxie doesn’t. That is why I’m going to do two things:
1. I’m going to become a lawyer, and when all these idiotically named kids turn 18, I’m going to help them sue their parents for the emotional distress caused by their ridiculous names. Rich kids filing lawsuits? Cha-ching! That’s a money making bonanza for a lawyer!
2. When I’m elected President, or Sexiest Man Alive, whichever comes first, I’m going to pass a law mandating that each hospital must have a board of three intelligent, sane people who approve baby names before they’re typed on the birth certificate. Then another law that says that you have to keep your normal name until you’re 21, at which time, if you want, you can change it to Bottle Opener or Zoomba Tai Chi or even Batman. BUT…once you change it at 21 you’re stuck with it for life, like a tattoo.
If I were to legally change my name right now, I just might change it to The Phil Factor. In the comments, if you were to change your name to something creative, what would you pick?
Billionaire owner of Virgin Galactic, Richard Branson, has sold tickets, at $200,000 each to several celebrities for a ride into space. $200,000 for a trip into space doesn’t sound bad, until you consider that it’s the cost for only fifteen minutes in space. That’s like paying to go to the movies, which is close to $200,000, and only getting to see the previews! If I’m paying $200,000 to go into space, first you all are going to have to buy a lot more of my books for me to afford that, and secondly I’m going to want more than 15 fecking minutes! For 200 hundred thou I want at least one lap all the way around the globe and a peek at the moon. Some call me the space cowboy….
Sadly the celebrities who have ponied up their cash for a an Uber ride into the stratosphere aren’t nearly as smart as me. Here’s the list: Tom Hanks, Leonardo DiCaprio, Victoria Principal (she was on the show Dallas about a hundred years ago), Russell Brand and Katy Perry (they’re not married anymore, so they’ll want different seats now. I volunteer to sit next to Katy! But seriously, who wants to be trapped in space with Russel Brand?), Kate Winslet was given a ticket by Richard Branson as a wedding gift after she saved his mother’s life from a fire. (How weird is that? If my house ever catches fire I’m hoping Jennifer Aniston rescues me. Mouth to mouth? Yes please!) Stephen Hawking; he can finally get out of that chair and float free. How great would that be for him? AngelinaJolie and Brad Pitt; of course, but who’s going to watch all their kids? AshtonKutcher, Justin Bieber; in space no one can hear you scream..shut the hell up Justin!
In my head I’m imagining a galactic shuttle bus lifting off with all these dopes peering out the windows like tourists. But what if…what if the unthinkable happened? What if the celeb laden spaceship were to run out of gas and just drift off into the universe never to return? First off, this would be a great plot for a movie wouldn’t it? Secondly, imagine the Earth’s horror as ten of it’s most famous citizens just disappeared? And some of them are actually good and talented people?
Remember how during early space travel how they tested things out by sending dogs and monkeys? What if Richard Branson did that, but with celebrities? Here’s my list of “celebrities” who I’d like to see used as test passengers on a vessel that might never return to Earth:
Justin Bieber: because he’s Justin Bieber, that’s why! Who doesn’t want to see this guy drifting around space like Sandra Bullock? In space, no one can hear you sing.
Kanye West: I”m sure Kanye already imagines that he’s famous on other planets any way. Let’s do this before he storms the Nobel Prize stage claiming that he should have won one.
Dr. Phil: I’m sick of him sullying the good name of Phil by being a pompous ass.
Gordon Ramsay: I want to send this jerk as the ship’s cook. His personality is as abrasive as a Brillo pad.
Nancy Grace: On my list she’s as objectionable a human as Bieber and Kanye. Nobody should be this mad all the time.
Bill Cosby: Worst living human being.
Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton: Let’s get these two out and get some normal, sane people to run for President.
So those are my nominations for the first, experimental, hopefully never to return to Earth, space mission. If it were up to you, who would you buy a one way ticket to outer space for?
Ironically, or maybe appropriately, I’m torn on how to procede with this post. Earlier this week there was a news report that Irish singer Sinead O’Connor had gone missing. My first thought, was that her music career went missing about twenty years ago. The picture above was probably the last time most Americans ever saw or heard about Sinead. So on Tuesday she posted some rants about her family on social media and went for a walk. A few hours later she was declared missing until they later found her at a Best Western hotel, apparently self-soothing with the free breakfast and wi-fi. You go girl! Who doesn’t love a free breakfast buffet? Like I said, I was torn about mocking Sinead because of her mental health issues, but at the end of the day, we’re all crazy, it’s just a matter of how much. I’m hoping Sinead reads this and at her next concert tears up a picture of me.
Ferris Bueller turns 30: My favorite movie ever is being celebrated this week. I still remember when me and my friend argued about which of the two of us was more like Ferris or Cameron. Of course we both thought we were Ferris. Now on Ferris Bueller’s Day Off, he would probably be late 40’s, graying hair, wearing reading glasses and living in the suburbs and cutting the lawn on his day off. I guess I did end up being Ferris.
Actress Vanessa Hudgens Fined $1000: See that picture above? ‘Actress’ Vanessa Hudgens carved that into the Red Rocks at a state park in Arizona to declare her love for Austin somebody or other. Of course defacing natural beauty in a state park comes with a price to pay and this week Vanessa paid it. $1000, which turns out to be all she earned as an ‘actress’ last year. Chances are that the carving lasted longer than the relationship. And longer than her acting ‘career.’ On the trip, I wonder if she and her boyfriend stayed at a Best Western…
Vagina Kayak? Why not! You know all the crime drama shows that say their plots are “ripped from the headlines”? I’m going copy and paste the first three paragraphs of this story I found on NBC news. Please add your own jokes in the comments. From NBC News: “TOKYO — An artist was found not guilty of obscenity Monday for displaying figurines modeled on her vagina but received a fine for distributing digital data that could be used to make a realistic three-dimensional recreation of her genitalia.
“A court in Tokyo dismissed prosecutors’ charge that Megumi Igarashi, who works under the name “Rokudenashiko” — or “good-for-nothing girl” — had displayed obscene objects. It ruled her figurines decorated with fake fur and glitter could be considered “pop art.”
However, the judges said the data, from a scan of her own vagina, could be used with a three-dimensional printer to create a realistic shape that could sexually arouse viewers.”
This is the first time in my tags that I have used the phrase “vagina kayak” but here’s to hoping it’s not the last. I could make jokes about that story, but I’d rather hear yours. Fill up the comments and have a great Saturday! ~Phil
“Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak and remove doubt” ~attributed to either Abraham Lincoln or Mark Twain.
Just like Kanye Worst, I break the rules. In this case I broke my own rules against torturing people with GIFs, but Kanye is so horrible that I had to do something equally horrible. If any human has ever embodied the Abe Lincoln/Mark Twain quote better than Kanye Worst, I have no idea who it is, although Donald Trump is gaining fast.
Apparently last week was Kanye Worst Week and nobody told me. I don’t think anyone told Kanye either, he just forced himself upon the public consciousness whether we wanted it or not. We didn’t.
Let’s review the last week in the life of Kanye Worst”
Feb. 10: At an album release party/fashion show in NYC he announced that he’s creating a video game about his late mother “traveling through the gates of heaven.” If Kanye Worst makes a video game it should be called Call of Doody.
Feb. 11: He rented out Madison Square Garden and stocked it with 700 models to promote his clothing line and release his new album at the same time. A line from one of his songs says, “I feel like me and Taylor might still have sex / I made that bitch famous.” I assume he’s not talking about me, Phil Taylor, but about Taylor Swift, with whom he has an ongoing public feud.
Feb.13: Kanye Worst was the musical guest on Saturday Night Live, of whom he once said in a song in 2010, “Fuck SNL and the whole cast / tell ‘em Yeezy said they can kiss my whole ass.” At least it rhymed.
Feb. 13: Tweeted that he’s $53 million in debt.
Feb. 14: Used Twitter to ask Facebook owner Mark Zuckerberg to invest a billion dollars in him. Hey Kanye, maybe next time you want money from Facebook you should try sending a Facebook message.
Feb. 14: At the Grammy Awards, where Taylor Swift won one and Kanye Worst did not, again, Taylor Swift took a shot at Kanye by saying, “there are going to be people along the way who are going to try to undercut your success or take credit for your accomplishments or your fame,”
Ok, I’m only four days into the last week of Kanye Worst’s life and I’m tired of him already. You’re getting the gist though, right? He’s been a busy asshat. But at least he’s consistent. Here’s some more of his “hijinks”
2004: Stormed out of the American Music Awards after another artist won the Best New Artist award.
2005: During a live televised fundraising concert for Hurricane Katrina, Kanye Worst took the stage with comedian/actor Mike Myers and went completely off script on a one minute rant about the media’s portrayal of African-American survivors of the tragedy and concluded by saying “George Bush doesn’t care about black people.”
2006: At the MTV Europe Music Awards he crashed the stage and launched into a profanity laced rant after someone else won the Best Hip Hop Artist Award.
2009: Interrupted Taylor Swift on stage who was accepting her MTV Music Award for best video to rant that Beyonce’ deserved the award.
2013: Named his daughter North West.
Seriously, who has a problem with Taylor Swift? That’s like hating Dorothy from The Wizard of Oz. I so wish I had the time and patience to take a picture of Dorothy and the Wicked Witch of the West and photoshop Taylor and Kaye’s heads into it. Picture that and laugh to yourself.
You’ve got to give the man credit for consistency though. He’s dedicated. That’s over a decade of being a public nutjob. I can’t really say that he’s the worst human being ever because there’s still Bill Cosby and serial killers, but Kanye is definitely climbing that list. I believe that he has earned the name Kanye Worst. When I’m elected President, or Sexiest Man Alive, whichever comes first, Kanye will probably storm the stage and protest, but after that I will officially change his name on all legal documents to Kanye Worst, and I will decree that in the dictionary next to the word asshat there will be a picture of him.
Ironically, Kanye Worst himself would probably be proud of a rant like this. Kanye, if you’ve got a problem with me feel free to tweet me. Maybe I’ll give you that billion. Have a great Saturday everybody! ~Phil
For some reason this was very popular when I posted it last year. Do you think the title is a good draw?
(11/15/15) This is it. Mano a mano. Kim Kardashian versus #ThePhilFactor. Or rather it’s Kim Kardashian’s big bulbous butt versus my big bulbous sense of humor. Kim thought her racy pictures in PaperMag would #BreakTheInternet but she was sadly mistaken. If anybody breaks the internet it’s going to be me. Kim wanted to break it with her butt, but I’m going to break it by being an ass.
Yeah, Kim and I used to be an item way back when we were young. I was actually the first rung on her celebrity ladder. The fame and popularity of my books and The Phil Factor drew her to me. I should have known it wouldn’t last. The picture above is of us at a New Jersey Nets game. I thought she seemed just a little too eager to visit the locker room after the game. I should have known better.
Kim’s latest stunt, trying to “break the internet” by allowing the website for a little known magazine to post nude shots of her wasn’t even her or their idea. Check out this picture of myself I posted on The Phil Factor back in 2005 when Kim and I were dating.
Look familiar? I’m pretty sure she photoshopped her head into this picture and gave it to that magazine. I’ve never shown my backside on The Phil Factor, but I’ve got glutes women would kill for. No one has yet but I’m keeping my fingers crossed.
Speaking of women killing for a great butt, I saw another item on the interwebs this week that caught my attention. What if you want the perfect body for lounging on the beach during your vacation but you don’t have the time to work out? Apparently there is now an answer to that. You can get “vacation boobs.” As a guy, I love the sound of that. What it really means though is that a New York city cosmetic surgeon has developed a process where he injects saline solution directly into the breasts to inflate them for anywhere from 24 hours to two weeks. The bodily gradually absorbs the saline and the boobs shrink back to their normal size. Apparently they’re also developing a process for butts and men’s calves and pecs. Seriously ladies, when you go to the beach have you ever checked out a guys calves? I’m not even sure I have calves. I’ve never looked. And if you are single and you invest in vacation boobs or pecs and you meet someone on vacation, how do you explain the change in your body later?
Also, in another demonstration of idiocy on the world wide web this week, Katy Perry’s boyfriend DJ Diplo (it should be Dipshit if you ask me) caused waves when he tweeted that “somebody should start a Kickstarter to get Taylor Swift a booty.” Dude, what is your problem? What has Taylor Swift ever done to you? How about you worry about your own girlfriend’s booty? If I’m Katy Perry I’m kicking this guy to the curb for paying attention to Taylor Swift’s booty. If Taylor Swift is worried about this she could invest in a vacation booty. Somehow though I doubt that Taylor Swift and her billions of dollars are worrying about a tweet by that loser. Katy, you could do so much better.
I could not believe how much stupidity populated the internet this week. I’m not a celeb follower but all this stupid “news” was unavoidable. But alas the internet did not break. So why don’t we break the internet? You and me. If everyone who reads this shares it by hitting the Facebook, Twitter and re-blog buttons below it will spread far and wide until it is the only thing on the internet. I posted this at 6:40 this morning. If you’re reading it, the internet isn’t broken yet. Get clicking! C’mon, help #The Phil Factor #BreakTheInternet.
Self-proclaimed grand poobah of leisure and author of humorous suspense novels The Sneaker Tree & White Picket Prisons, the humor essay book Fifty Shades of Phil and the long running blog The Phil Factor.