Tag Archives: pop culture

Throwback Thursday! Dirty Dancing with The Stars

I wrote this last year when I was particularly pleased with the choice of contestants.

usmagazine.com

(09/17/16) To be honest, I’ve never watched an episode, but then again, when has having only half-assed knowledge of anything stopped me from making fun of it? I was first going to write one of my Pop Culture Commando posts where I hit on several trending pop culture topics, but…

usmagazine.com

usmagazine.com

But then protesters stormed the DWTS stage during a taping to protest the participation of Olympic swimmer Ryan Lochte, who is more famous for drunkenly vandalizing a gas station bathroom and lying about it than he is for anything else. As much as I’d like to mock Ryan Lochte some more, I have to say, really protesters? Ryan Lochte? This is what your life has come to? You’re apparently OK with racism, terrorism, Trump and Hillary, Brexit, and human trafficking, but Ryan Lochte lying about kicking in a mini-mart bathroom door has put you over the edge? 

bismarcktribune.com

bismarcktribune.com

Like I said, I was just going to hit on several pop culture topics today, but then I read the cast list for this seasons DWTS and my jaw dropped. Maureen McCormick (Marcia Brady) and Vanilla Ice! Are you kidding me? That is kitschy television gold right there! And Ryan Lochte? And about a dozen people I may never had heard of, including Laurie Hernandez who “burst onto the Senior Elite gymnastics scene in 2016…”  First of all, I had no idea there was a Senior Elite gymnastics scene! I’m imagining a scene like the opening of Fame where the group of kids are dancing in the street, except it’s old ladies with walkers slowly trying to do a somersault on the ground without breaking a hip. What does Senior Elite gymnastics scene even mean? Was she best at Jazzercise at her local gym? Before Laurie Hernandez finds me and kicks my ass, I will say that she is definitely not a geriatric and is attractive enough to distract me from my Maureen McCormick love for the few minutes she’s on the screen. Here’s a picture of Laurie:

She does not look very senior does she?

She does not look very senior does she?

Marcia, Marcia Marcia! That’s obviously what DWTS is all about this year. I don’t know how many of you in other countries are aware of The Brady Bunch, but when I was just a lad too young to know manly things, I did know that Marcia Brady was smokin’ hot. Had things turned out differently and the show had hired me instead of Robbie Rist to play Cousin Oliver, Marcia and I might be married right now. And, if I were to be into dudes my man-crush would be Vanilla Ice. And DWTS has put him in the cast too!

Picture credit: sodahead.com

Here is where I’d like to add some Phil to DWTS: What if DWTS wasn’t a show about celebs pairing up with professional dance instructors to compete? What if it was celebs pairing up with each other with no professional instruction at all? How hilarious would it be to see these idiots stumble and fumble through a waltz like the rest of us drunk at a wedding reception? Even better would be to get the celebs drunk before they dance! Obviously, the pinnacle of the show this year would be if Vanilla Ice sprains an ankle and they tab a certain humor blogger as his replacement to dance with Maureen. I would SO do the Dirty Dancing scene where she jumps and I hold her over my head.

dirty-dancing-final-dance-o

Go ahead, picture that but with me and Marcia Brady…Nobody puts Philly in a corner.

Have a great Thursday everyone! ~Phil

Dirty Dancing With The Stars?

usmagazine.com

usmagazine.com

To be honest, I’ve never watched an episode, but then again, when has having only half-assed knowledge of anything stopped me from making fun of it? I was first going to write one of my Pop Culture Commando posts where I hit on several trending pop culture topics, but…

usmagazine.com

usmagazine.com

But then protesters stormed the DWTS stage during a taping to protest the participation of Olympic swimmer Ryan Lochte, who is more famous for drunkenly vandalizing a gas station bathroom and lying about it than he is for anything else. As much as I’d like to mock Ryan Lochte some more, I have to say, really protesters? Ryan Lochte? This is what your life has come to? You’re apparently OK with racism, terrorism, Trump and Hillary, Brexit, and human trafficking, but Ryan Lochte lying about kicking in a mini-mart bathroom door has put you over the edge? 

bismarcktribune.com

bismarcktribune.com

Like I said, I was just going to hit on several pop culture topics today, but then I read the cast list for this seasons DWTS and my jaw dropped. Maureen McCormick (Marcia Brady) and Vanilla Ice! Are you kidding me? That is kitschy television gold right there! And Ryan Lochte? And about a dozen people I may never had heard of, including Laurie Hernandez who “burst onto the Senior Elite gymnastics scene in 2016…”  First of all, I had no idea there was a Senior Elite gymnastics scene! I’m imagining a scene like the opening of Fame where the group of kids are dancing in the street, except it’s old ladies with walkers slowly trying to do a somersault on the ground without breaking a hip. What does Senior Elite gymnastics scene even mean? Was she best at Jazzercise at her local gym? Before Laurie Hernandez finds me and kicks my ass, I will say that she is definitely not a geriatric and is attractive enough to distract me from my Maureen McCormick love for the few minutes she’s on the screen. Here’s a picture of Laurie:

She does not look very senior does she?

She does not look very senior does she?

Marcia, Marcia Marcia! That’s obviously what DWTS is all about this year. I don’t know how many of you in other countries are aware of The Brady Bunch, but when I was just a lad too young to know manly things, I did know that Marcia Brady was smokin’ hot. Had things turned out differently and the show had hired me instead of Robbie Rist to play Cousin Oliver, Marcia and I might be married right now. And, if I were to be into dudes my man-crush would be Vanilla Ice. And DWTS has put him in the cast too!

Picture credit: sodahead.com

Picture credit: sodahead.com

Here is where I’d like to add some Phil to DWTS: What if DWTS wasn’t a show about celebs pairing up with professional dance instructors to compete? What if it was celebs pairing up with each other with no professional instruction at all? How hilarious would it be to see these idiots stumble and fumble through a waltz like the rest of us drunk at a wedding reception? Even better would be to get the celebs drunk before they dance! Obviously, the pinnacle of the show this year would be if Vanilla Ice sprains an ankle and they tab a certain humor blogger as his replacement to dance with Maureen. I would SO do the Dirty Dancing scene where she jumps and I hold her over my head.

dirty-dancing-final-dance-o

Go ahead, picture that but with me and Marcia Brady…Nobody puts Philly in a corner.

Have a great Saturday everyone! ~Phil

Ground Control to Major Tom: Celebs in Space?

Picture courtesy of Edmonton Sun

Picture courtesy of Edmonton Sun

Billionaire owner of Virgin Galactic, Richard Branson, has sold tickets, at $200,000 each to several celebrities for a ride into space. $200,000 for a trip into space doesn’t sound bad, until you consider that it’s the cost for only fifteen minutes in space. That’s like paying to go to the movies, which is close to $200,000, and only getting to see the previews! If I’m paying $200,000 to go into space, first you all are going to have to buy a lot more of my books for me to afford that, and secondly I’m going to want more than 15 fecking minutes! For 200 hundred thou I want at least one lap all the way around the globe and a peek at the moon. Some call me the space cowboy….

Sadly the celebrities who have ponied up their cash for a an Uber ride into the stratosphere aren’t nearly as smart as me. Here’s the list: Tom Hanks, Leonardo DiCaprio, Victoria Principal (she was on the show Dallas about a hundred years ago), Russell Brand and Katy Perry (they’re not married anymore, so they’ll want different seats now. I volunteer to sit next to Katy! But seriously, who wants to be trapped in space with Russel Brand?), Kate Winslet was given a ticket by Richard Branson as a wedding gift after she saved his mother’s life from a fire. (How weird is that? If my house ever catches fire I’m hoping Jennifer Aniston rescues me. Mouth to mouth? Yes please!) Stephen Hawking; he can finally get out of that chair and float free. How great would that be for him? Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt; of course, but who’s going to watch all their kids? Ashton Kutcher, Justin Bieber; in space no one can hear you scream..shut the hell up Justin!

weeklyworldnews.com

weeklyworldnews.com

In my head I’m imagining a galactic shuttle bus lifting off with all these dopes peering out the windows like tourists. But what if…what if the unthinkable happened? What if the celeb laden spaceship were to run out of gas and just drift off into the universe never to return? First off, this would be a great plot for a movie wouldn’t it? Secondly, imagine the Earth’s horror as ten of it’s most famous citizens just disappeared? And some of them are actually good and talented people?

Remember how during early space travel how they tested things out by sending dogs and monkeys? What if Richard Branson did that, but with celebrities? Here’s my list of “celebrities” who I’d like to see used as test passengers on a vessel that might never return to Earth:

Justin Bieber: because he’s Justin Bieber, that’s why! Who doesn’t want to see this guy drifting around space like Sandra Bullock? In space, no one can hear you sing.

pinkisthenewblog.com

pinkisthenewblog.com

Kanye West: I”m sure Kanye already imagines that he’s famous on other planets any way. Let’s do this before he storms the Nobel Prize stage claiming that he should have won one.

Dr. Phil: I’m sick of him sullying the good name of Phil by being a pompous ass.

Gordon Ramsay: I want to send this jerk as the ship’s cook. His personality is as abrasive as a Brillo pad.

frothygirlz.com

frothygirlz.com

Nancy Grace: On my list she’s as objectionable a human as Bieber and Kanye. Nobody should be this mad all the time.

Bill Cosby: Worst living human being.

goldsborodailynews.com

goldsborodailynews.com

Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton: Let’s get these two out and get some normal, sane people to run for President.

So those are my nominations for the first, experimental, hopefully never to return to Earth, space mission. If it were up to you, who would you buy a one way ticket to outer space for?

Have a great Sunday! ~Phil

If Someone Can Make Up Scientology, Why Can’t I Have My Own Religion?

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If I’m making fun of Scientology, you can tell that I’ve given up on one of my books ever being made into a movie. Scientology has been big pop culture news the last few weeks since actress Leah Remini talked about her experiences in the church, and her desire for you to read more about it in her book, now available everywhere for $17.99. Kind of ironic that she’s allegedly blowing the whistle on a religion known for fleecing it’s celebrity members for money by fleecing book buying customers of their money. That’s alright, I suppose she’s trying to make up for her losses.

Ballantine Books

Ballantine Books

She left the religion and is now telling all the details, which the Scientologists are not pleased about. So, you know me, I don’t like to go off half-assed and uninformed  when I write about things. I did some research so that I would be fully-assed and informed when making fun of Scientology. Don’t worry Scientologists, it’s not just you. Most religions have a whole host of ridiculous premises. In fact, it’s possible that Jesus was just a really good magician. An ancient David Copperfield if you will and Mary Magdalena was his Claudia Schiffer. (yes, I know David and Claudia divorced, but does any of you know his new wife? )

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As part of my research into Scientology I may have interviewed the current leader, David Miscavige, and when asked about Leah Remini’s portrayal of the Church of Scientology he may have said, “Liar, liar, pants on fire.” What I also learned about was Xenu, who was, according to Scientology founder, and sci-fi writer L. Ron Hubbard, “the dictator of the “Galactic Confederacy” who 75 million years ago brought billions[4][5] of his people to Earth (then known as “Teegeeack”) in a DC-8-like spacecraft, stacked them around volcanoes, and killed them with hydrogen bombs.” Well that sounds like a delightful idea to base a religion on doesn’t it?

You know how some websites charge you money to use them and read their content? Then you feel like an idiot when you find the same content for free elsewhere, right? I know Scientology sounds like the awesomest after school club you could ever join, but don’t sign up for their exclusive content because I’m about to give it to you right here for free. That paragraph above about Xenu “is part of the church’s secret “Advanced Technology”,[7] considered a sacred and esoteric teaching,[11] which is normally only revealed to members who have completed a lengthy sequence of courses costing large amounts of money.”

See? I saved you money today. You now know stuff that cost Tom Cruise thousands and thousands of dollars to learn. Then again, I’m pretty sure we all know a lot of stuff that Tom Cruise doesn’t. Interestingly, Tom Cruise and I were born in the same city, so it’s possible we were switched at birth, so he could possibly be living my life as the face of Scientology. Although if we were switched I doubt his blog would be half as funny.

That’s what we need, a religion based on humor! Laughter makes people feel good. Too many religions make people feel guilty or not good enough. Laughter is not the best medicine, it’s the best religion!  Obviously I would be the Xenu of this new religion, only I wouldn’t be blowing you up,  and my blog would then have a membership fee for you to read. Well, I better get to work on writing my scriptures for you. If you want to spread The Word of Phil before I start charging for it, feel free to hit the Facebook, Twitter, or reblog buttons below.  Have a great weekend! ~Phil

(thank you to Wikipedia for the quoted material about Scientology, and thank you to Tom Cruise, possibly my brother from another mother, for living your crazy, nutball life. Glad I dodged that bullet.)

TBT! It’s a Bieber World After All

(Originaly posted 7/26/14) Wow. That is one pretty girl next to wheelchair-bound Justin Bieber!  Turns out it is a Bieber world after all and we’re just living in it. If you just got a panicked feeling and shouted “What? Justin’s in a wheelchair?” then you must be a Belieber.  And why wouldn’t you be?

BieberWheelchairPhil

The Biebs again proved how awesome he is by using Disneyland’s policy of allowing those in wheelchairs to go to the front of the line of rides and attractions. He claims he “tweaked” his knee playing basketball.  So in spite of his great pain and suffering, the benevolent Bieber allowed his handlers to wheel him past families and children in hours-long lines so they could get a good look at their hero. Seriously, how many celebrities take the time to do that for their fans. I was so impressed that I decided to write a song about him.

When Bieber Jumped the Queues (sing to the tune of Janis Joplin’s Me and Bobby McGee click link for video

Busted flat in Disneyland, waiting for a train
And I’m feeling jaded and mean.
Bieber thumbed a wheelchair down just before it rained,
And rode it all the way to the front of the lane.I pulled my hair from my head and said “That took no time!”,
I was fuming soft while Bieber jumped the queues.
Biebers handlers slapping fans, I was holding Bieber’s picture in mine,
We sang every song that Bieber knew.Bieber’s just another nerd turned into a kid who drinks the booze,
Nothing he does, nothing’s funny if it ain’t Bieber, now now.
And feeling good was easy, when Bieber jumped the queues,
You know feeling good was good enough for me,
Good enough for me and my Bieber, baby.
From the Canadian sticks to the California sun,
Hey, Bieber shared the secrets of my soul.
Through all kinds of weather, through everything that we done,
Hey Bieber baby kept me from acting old.
Ok, that was awful, but the main reason for this whole post was just to put that picture there. If you’re not from the States and don’t know the song, I apologize.  The phrase ‘Me and Bieber McGee’ has been stuck in my head since Thursday. What I really need is my friend Marissa Bergen, who is both brilliantly poetic and musical to take the idea and make a music video  like she did with a parody of Radiohead’s Creep. Have a great Saturday! Please don’t share this. It’s just terrible. ~Phil

America’s Royal Family: The Kardashians

In jolly olde England, and much of the world, people love “The Royals.” Their every move, meal and outing is chronicled. A day doesn’t go by without news about what they’re wearing or who visited them. That’s all well and good for the Brits and the Brit-o-philes over here in the States, but I think the United States has crowned their own “Royal Family”, The Kardashians.

Yes, I know you may be saying, “Blah, blah. blah Phil. We’ve heard enough about the Kardashians.”  First, thank you for using my name when you talk to yourself, I love that, and secondly, hang in there and hear me out. I’m not as crazy as Rick Rosner thinks. Let me build my case, like a lawyer, as to why I think that the Kardashians are the most American family there is.

Speaking of lawyers, Kim, Khloe, Kourtney, and Rob’s father, the now deceased Robert Kardashian, was a lawyer, who was the grandson of Armenian immigrants. Part of the poem, New Colossus, on the Statue of Liberty says “Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free, the wretched refuse of your teeming shore. Send these, the homeless, tempest-tossed to me,…” See? There is nothing more American than immigrants, and the original Kardashians who came to this country from a foreign land pulled themselves up by their own bootstraps to build one of the largest meat packing businesses in southern California.

robert_kardashian_oj_simpson_1995

Then Robert, who was a lawyer, was part of  O.J. Simpson’s defense team in his 1995 murder trial, one of the biggest media events of the 20th century. That was when the Kardashians became a household name. But wait just a minute…

adweek.com

adweek.com

What’s more American than winning an Olympic gold medal? Maybe coming out as a transgender person.

starpulse.com

starpulse.com

Just about every American family has a member who struggles with substance abuse issues.

usmagazine.com

usmagazine.com

Diversity! America has always prided itself on it’s diversity. We call ourselves “a melting pot.” Let’s see, we’ve got immigrants coming to America and building a business. The grandson of the immigrants becomes a successful lawyer. His ex-wife marries an Olympic champion/American hero. There’s bi-racial marriages. There’s divorces. There’s sexual identity issues, and there’s drug addiction. Not every American family has all these components, but I dare you to find one that doesn’t have at least one thing in common with the Kardashians. When you add it all up, I don’t think you can find a more “American” family anywhere. Case closed.

As always, if you enjoyed #ThePhilFactor please share your joy with your friends by hitting the Facebook, Twitter or re-blog buttons below. Have a great weekend! ~Phil

Top Ten Tuesday! The Ten Funniest TV Shows of My Life

As always, if you can think of others on you’d add to the list, please add them in the comments. I could use some good shows to watch over the summer.

mash

10. M*A*S*H: I totally wanted to live in that tent with Hawkeye and Trapper. No, I wouldn’t have been Frank Burns. (True story: The real life Gooby, who is a character in my two novels, used to have a picture autographed by Larry Linville, the actor that played Frank Burns)

9. Cheers: Every episode Norm had something funny to say when they greeted him as he entered the bar. My favorite? ‘It’s a dog eat dog world and I’m wearing Milk Bone underpants.”

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8. Friends: Definitely much better in the early years than the later ones, but a great portrayal of those fun years in your twenties when you’re figuring out how to be an adult and failing badly at it sometimes. And who didn’t sing Phoebe’s Smelly Cat song for a while after that episode?

 7. How I Met Your Mother: Ok, I’m going to be that hipster doofus who likes to say ‘I knew about this before everyone else thought it was cool.’ I was on this show from the beginning and the Slap Bet and Robin Sparkles episodes were the best.

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6. Family Guy: If this was a show with real actors and actresses none of the jokes would be allowed on the air. Seth McFarlane is an evil genius. Not a great awards show host, but an evil genius nonetheless.

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5. The I.T. Crowd: Most of my American friends won’t have heard of this British sitcom. Do yourself a favor and look it up on Netflix.

4. Seinfeld: Only one other show, The Office, has as many quotable lines as Seinfeld. (True story, I had a conversation with someone that was in the last two episodes.)

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3. Psych: A hilarious hour long comedy/suspense show that didn’t get the acclaim it deserved because it was on the little watched USA network. You’d be hard pressed to find a show with more sly pop culture references. This is another one where you can thoroughly enjoy a full weekend of binge watching the 8 seasons on Netflix.

2. The Office: I’m referring to the American version here. I haven’t watched enough of the original British version to render judgement. One of the best ensemble cast comedies ever. Great last two episodes.

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1. Saturday Night Live: They recently celebrated their 40th anniversary. This show and the always changing cast have given us some of the most memorable live moments on TV.

Honorable Mention: The Kids in The Hall and Whose Line Is It Anyway? It’s hard to beat good sketch and improv comedy.

Well, how did I do? What shows would you add? If you did, what shows would you take off my list?

Have a great Tuesday! ~Phil