Dwayne “The Failure” Johnson, Sexiest Man Alive?


So now People Magazine is stooping to this. Dwayne “The Failure” Johnson has one movie out and another coming out soon, so People names him Sexiest Man Alive, hoping to gravy train off of his publicity. Sad.

Also, are we going to accept a complete failure as our Sexiest Man Alive? We already did for our Presidency; do we want, as a country, to add another ridiculous iconic has-been as the face of our nation? This is what people should really be protesting about.

I like the angry baby more than Dwayne Johnson

I like the angry baby more than Dwayne Johnson

So why do I call him Dwayne “The Failure” Johnson? Let’s take a look at his career, shall we? He played college football, but didn’t make it to the pros in the States. FAILURE! He went to Canada and played briefly in their league and was cut. FAILURE! He went into professional wrestling for a while, but quit that. FAILURE! Every television show he has ever been on, such as Hannah Montana, Cory in the House, and Transformers Prime have been cancelled. FAILURE! Then he made The Tooth Fairy and Jem & The Holograms.  FAILURE! That’s right Dwayne. Everyone else may have forgotten, but I didn’t. You made Jem & The Holograms.  That’s on your record forever, like herpes. Only that movie was worse than herpes. Can you smell what The Rock is cooking? Yes I can Dwayne. What I smell is a lot of movies that stink. Never won an Oscar. FAILURE! That’s a lot of failing. Let’s face it, any successful movie he’s been in has been carried by someone else. In Fast and The Furious, the cars were better actors than he was.

Is this the example we want for our children? To reward failure? Is the Sexiest Man Alive award now just another one of the participation trophies that gets handed out?


Again, People Magazine overlooked my all too obvious attributes that make me an obvious choice. Dwayne Johnson? Bald. Phil? Head full of lustrous locks. Dwayne Johnson? Too many tattoos. Phil?  Just the right amount. Dwayne Johnson’s blog? Non-existent. Phil? Kicking ass in the blogosphere since 2005. Dwayne Johnson employment record? In and out of jobs constantly. Phil? Consistently employed since I was 16. Dwayne Johnson’s books? Not sure if he can even read books, much less write one. Phil? Written several books that are better than you’d think. Dwayne Johnson made Tooth Fairy. Phil? I may have done some stupid stuff in my time, but never anything that bad.

So there you have it. Dwayne “The Failure” Johnson seems like a very nice guy, but what has he really done to earn our respect as Sexiest Man Alive? On the other hand I’ve been here for you to read every Saturday with your morning coffee. Now that’s sexy as hell, right ladies? How many of you wake up and read my blog every Saturday? How many of you wake and and see what Dwayne Johnson did every week? I thought so. I rest my case.

Have a great weekend! ~Phil

17 responses to “Dwayne “The Failure” Johnson, Sexiest Man Alive?

  1. But he’s soooo pretty! signed Woman Alive!

  2. Sorry Phil, no matter what his failures are he is smoking hot and women love him. You’re a close second for sure.

  3. Phil, there is always next year.

  4. Phil I gotta tell you… Dwayne is pretty darn sexy but I really thought after your post the other day, you had this. Especially with all that nice hair. Phil 2017!

  5. He may be a failure
    He may be a quitter
    But Phil do you think
    That you’re just a bit bitter?

  6. Sounds like sour grapes to me.

  7. He does have a book, I found one in my loft the other day! Although, I can’t be sure he actually wrote it, didn’t look. Got a little distracted by his image on the cover…

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