Tag Archives: Sexiest Man Alive 2016

Dwayne “The Failure” Johnson, Sexiest Man Alive?

tooth-fairy-poster-395x300

So now People Magazine is stooping to this. Dwayne “The Failure” Johnson has one movie out and another coming out soon, so People names him Sexiest Man Alive, hoping to gravy train off of his publicity. Sad.

Also, are we going to accept a complete failure as our Sexiest Man Alive? We already did for our Presidency; do we want, as a country, to add another ridiculous iconic has-been as the face of our nation? This is what people should really be protesting about.

I like the angry baby more than Dwayne Johnson

I like the angry baby more than Dwayne Johnson

So why do I call him Dwayne “The Failure” Johnson? Let’s take a look at his career, shall we? He played college football, but didn’t make it to the pros in the States. FAILURE! He went to Canada and played briefly in their league and was cut. FAILURE! He went into professional wrestling for a while, but quit that. FAILURE! Every television show he has ever been on, such as Hannah Montana, Cory in the House, and Transformers Prime have been cancelled. FAILURE! Then he made The Tooth Fairy and Jem & The Holograms.  FAILURE! That’s right Dwayne. Everyone else may have forgotten, but I didn’t. You made Jem & The Holograms.  That’s on your record forever, like herpes. Only that movie was worse than herpes. Can you smell what The Rock is cooking? Yes I can Dwayne. What I smell is a lot of movies that stink. Never won an Oscar. FAILURE! That’s a lot of failing. Let’s face it, any successful movie he’s been in has been carried by someone else. In Fast and The Furious, the cars were better actors than he was.

Is this the example we want for our children? To reward failure? Is the Sexiest Man Alive award now just another one of the participation trophies that gets handed out?

evolutionoftherock_e471ce_5527308

Again, People Magazine overlooked my all too obvious attributes that make me an obvious choice. Dwayne Johnson? Bald. Phil? Head full of lustrous locks. Dwayne Johnson? Too many tattoos. Phil?  Just the right amount. Dwayne Johnson’s blog? Non-existent. Phil? Kicking ass in the blogosphere since 2005. Dwayne Johnson employment record? In and out of jobs constantly. Phil? Consistently employed since I was 16. Dwayne Johnson’s books? Not sure if he can even read books, much less write one. Phil? Written several books that are better than you’d think. Dwayne Johnson made Tooth Fairy. Phil? I may have done some stupid stuff in my time, but never anything that bad.

So there you have it. Dwayne “The Failure” Johnson seems like a very nice guy, but what has he really done to earn our respect as Sexiest Man Alive? On the other hand I’ve been here for you to read every Saturday with your morning coffee. Now that’s sexy as hell, right ladies? How many of you wake up and read my blog every Saturday? How many of you wake and and see what Dwayne Johnson did every week? I thought so. I rest my case.

Have a great weekend! ~Phil

Top Ten Tuesday! The Top Ten Reasons I Should Be Sexiest Man Alive!

Sexiest

It’s coming. It’s coming soon whether you like it or not. This week the most powerful man in the world will be announced. What? You thought that was that little election from last week? Puh-leeze! Sometime in the next two days People Magazine will announce their Sexiest Man Alive for 2016. I may have been called a lot of things over the years, but, hard to believe, this prestigious title has eluded me. Yes, I know you’re surely saying to yourself, “What? There must be some mistake! How could Phil not already  have been named Sexiest Man Alive?” Here are the top ten reasons why I should be:

10. I have a blog: Most of the dopes who are named Sexiest Man Alive don’t have a blog. Heck, we’re not even sure if most of them can read or write.

dollarbill

9. I would look great on money: Why not? Why does money have to feature old,  dead Presidents? Most of them are pretty ugly any way. I propose that each Sexiest Man Alive gets to spend the following year as the face on the American one dollar bill.

8. I’m an accessible, man of the people kind of guy: You can e-mail me, comment on my blog, follow me on Twitter and play me in Words with Friends. How often will Leonardo DiCaprio or Chris Hemsworth do that for you?

7. When I’m elected Sexiest Man Alive: I will outlaw corks on wine bottles and mandate they all be screw caps. There’s no good reason we have to continue to use a medieval torture device to open our wine.

6. I’m all natural: Unlike most of the previous Sexiest Men, I’m all natural, no steroids, hair implants or hair dye. I’m 100% pure, all American man.

Arnold2

5. I’m employed: Have you ever noticed that they always choose actors? That’s a fly by night bunch if I ever saw one. Flitting from one job to the next. I’m employed full-time every day and I have health insurance. That’s the American dream right?

4. In you’re life, I’m more important than any of those actors. Think about it. You intentionally look at my picture on this blog several times a week. How often do you go out of your way to look at Channing Tatum or David Beckham?

3. I once dated Kim Kardashian: 

a2dee7debf51f3640

2. I was once named Sexiest Blogger Alive  so doesn’t it make sense that I should take the next step and ascend to the real throne?

1. If something were to happen to Donald Trump I would be next in line for the Presidency, right?

Come back Thursday for my iconic annual reaction to Sexiest Man Alive announcement. Have a great Tuesday! ~Phil