TBT! The Guy Code of Conduct: Public Bathroom Etiquette

I went way way back in time for this one. This post is from October of 2006. I used to have an intermittent series of posts called The Guy Code of Conduct. This was one of the more popular ones.

Toilet sign – men, women, hipsters

(10/2/2006) As is well known, women have the “never go to a public restroom alone” rule. Women also have several other rules devoted to their bathroom habits, but to imply that I know them would say something bad about me. I’m not sure what, but I’m pretty sure it wouldn’t be good. Despite what women believe, we are not complete barbarians. There are some rules we live by when it comes time to answer the call of nature. In fact, The Guy Code of Conduct has an entire chapter devoted entirely to how, when, and where men eliminate metabolic waste. Here are some of those rules:

1. If you are intoxicated and it is after dark, it is entirely acceptable to urinate anywhere outdoors, just look out for other men who also might be out there urinating in the dark.

2. In a public restroom never use the urinal immediately next to another man if it is possible to go elsewhere, like two urinals down the row, in a stall, or in the sink. Whenever possible you must attempt to keep a three foot buffer zone between you and other urinating men.

3. In a public restroom never use the urinal next to another man unless there is at least one of those little dividers. If there is no divider and the stalls or sinks are full, just wait your turn.

4. If you are using a urinal immediately next to another man just stare straight ahead and do not speak.

5. Speaking while urinating is allowed under only two circumstances: a) if two men are peeing outside and there is an appropriate buffer zone between them, or b) if two men are using urinals and there is a divider and one empty urinal between them.

6. Things you should never pee on: the fire, electric fences, other men, women, your food. (This rule was first written by two cavemen named Ed and Thog during the Jurassic period and originally only included the reference to the fire. Over the years through trial and error the list was expanded to include the other items.)

There is also an index in the back of The Guy Code of Conduct which includes world records involving urination, such as distance, from the greatest height, volume, off of famous landmarks etc.

Have a great Thursday! ~Phil

10 responses to “TBT! The Guy Code of Conduct: Public Bathroom Etiquette

  1. LOL!! Years back, I took my kids snowboarding; the car broke down in a desolated area. My daughter resorted to hysteria; my boys just got out of the car and had great fun peeing on the snowbanks. I learned a lot that day. 😀

  2. But can you write your name in the snow?

  3. Definitely rules to live by. While living in Europe I never got use to unisex bathrooms or men casually urinating along the sides of highways. 🙂

  4. Haha, Phil, so now the men are exposed. I always thought it was rather a weird situation to have the office junior peeing at the urinal next to the chief honcho. Now I know how it works.

  5. Lol! This is hilarious :’) Though interestingly my fiancé had a conversation with his boss while peeing…? (My fiancé did not initiate that conversation)

    In my experience, “girls never go to public washrooms alone” is actually rarely followed now that I am out of university. Maybe it’s because my girlfriends are very independent-minded women 🙂 We just go to the washroom when we feel like it.

  6. One other rule that The Dude would add: never ever pee indoors when it is even remotely possible to pee outside. The Dude will even get up from the couch and walk outside to pee — when we are at home!!!

  7. With #1 you might also want to also look out for the cops.
    Especially these days with the laws being the way they are.

Leave a Reply