Ten Things Airlines Should Change

I’m traveling this week, and it’s hard not to notice how some airlines have stripped down the comforts of flying to save money. On some airlines it’s so bad  that I’m surprised the seats aren’t just lawn furniture duct taped to the floor. Obviously when I’m elected President, or Sexiest Man Alive, whichever comes first, I’m going pass laws mandating minimum standards of comfort on flights. Here are The Top Ten Things Airlines Should Change:

1. Heated massage seats: Seriously, how great would this be?

2. When boarding the passengers, fill the plane from back to front: This would prevent people from walking down the aisle hitting all the other passengers with their ridiculously oversized “carry on” and from preventing you from getting to your seat while they clog the aisle like a piece of human cholesterol (the bad kind) trying to jam their bag in the overhead compartment. And you first class people can stop your whining now. Whether you get on first or last the plane still leaves at the same time.

3. Have the pilot mix in a loop de loop now and then: Flights are boring. This would spice things up a bit. Hello passengers, please fasten your seat belts and put your hand on top of your drinks.. My co-pilot Bucky just bet me ten dollars that I can’t get this thing to do a barrel roll. 

4. Just let us roll down the window a little bit: There’s nothing worse than sitting next to the farty passenger in the stale, stagnant, recycled air. Sometimes I want to pull down the oxygen mask just to get a fresh breath. We’d only need to roll down the windows a little. They could put a lock on them so we can’t put them down far enough to get our heads out. (who just pictured being in a plane with your head out the window like a dog?)

5. Themed Flights: Just like themed cruises. Costumes, music, Disney characters, whatever. Hooters flights, why not?

6. A USB charging port at every seat: This is the biggest no-brainer ever. I know some airlines have it, but shouldn’t it be mandatory every where?

7. A Shoes on policy: I don’t care what you’re reason is, no one should take their shoes off on a flight. It’s not a beach and I don’t need to see or smell your feet.

8. McDonald’s food on board: Or any decent baseline food that most people can recognize or accept. Airline food is not acceptable and under the Geneva Convention of 1949 qualifies as cruel and unusual punishment.

9. The flight attendants should have sedatives: Not for anxious passengers, but for obnoxious ones. The flight attendants could release it remotely through those little blowers above each seat and the annoying passenger would doze off for the rest of the flight not even knowing why.

10. What’s Your Seat Wheel! All seats, including first class, will be determined by a spin of the wheel at the gate. How fun would that be? There will also be a mystery celebrity on board every flight and the seat next to them is also on the wheel. Congratulations! You didn’t get first class, but you do get to sit next to Dustin Diamond!



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21 responses to “Ten Things Airlines Should Change

  1. I’d go on a themed flight!!! 😄

  2. Fantastic list!

  3. I’ll pass on the loop de loops but the rest sound great to me! 🙂

  4. I would like a little patio where you could go out for a breath of fresh air and maybe an espresso at a little cafe table.

  5. Flying puts me in a mood
    How bout they serve better food?

  6. Ha, these are great, and I don’t even fly

  7. Funny. You should also be able to book and pay for your in flight drinks and snacks shortly before boarding and they are brought to you as soon as seatbelts signs are off. None of that fancying about waiting for people to order and pay!

  8. I have zero ability to write a snarky comment today. This was funny. End of story.

  9. #2 absolutely! Why do you want to get on first to sit in the front just to be bonked in the head by everyone who walks by?

    #10 awesome! Who wants to sit with my kiddos?

  10. The thing that makes me laugh about first class is while they are sipping on cocktails, the rest of us parade pass them with our crotches at their eye level. I try to stare at them to see if I can get them to squirm in their leather seats, too. That will teach them to lord their status over me!

  11. Loving the sedative idea!

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